Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Oh no, don’t tell me you haven’t either?’

  ‘Look, Alfie, I’ll be upfront with you. I haven’t read it.’ Sarah was holding her hands up in confession. ‘I’m not proud of myself for it. Nor do I have anything against the book, I just never got round to it.’

  ‘Have you watched the films at least?’

  ‘Erm … no,’ Sarah said, wincing slightly.

  ‘Who am I even dealing with here!? I’ve never met anyone in my life that hasn’t at least watched one film. And here come two of the most incredible women who haven’t got a clue about anything! Does this mean I’m going to have to blow your mind too, and introduce you to a world of purely joyful yet deeply dark magic?’

  ‘I suppose it does.’ Sarah shrugged her shoulders in defeat.

  ‘Sit back and relax, ladies. We are going to take a little diversion from the planned schedule and dive straight back into story time. Prepare yourselves for what you’re about to hear.’

  ‘Do I need a catch-up?’ Sarah asked.

  ‘Don’t worry, we weren’t that far in and I’m sure Alice won’t mind if we start all over again.’

  Alice groaned but couldn’t keep the smile from creeping on to her face.

  ‘Fine, but be quick!’ she shouted.

  And so he began again, painting the walls of the ward with the colours and sounds and smells of this other magical world. Sarah curled up against Alice, her warm body encasing hers in its curve. How wonderful it felt to be held by them both, each in their different way.

  ‘Ladies. Sorry to interrupt.’ The voice of one of the nurses jolted both of them out of the world of Muggles and wizard duels. ‘Mr Warring just called. He said he’ll be down to speak to you within the hour.’

  ‘Thank you!’ Sarah practically launched herself off the bed. ‘Sorry, Alfie, but we might have to cut this story time a little short.’

  ‘Oh. That’s OK.’ He hadn’t quite mastered hiding his disappointment yet.

  Alice’s insides twisted over themselves.

  ‘It will be fine,’ Sarah reassured her. Clearly Alice hadn’t quite mastered hiding her anxiety yet.

  ‘I know.’ She smiled.

  You’re still a good liar though.

  42

  Alfie

  Alfie had hoped the schedule would work. He had prayed that it would help get her to open up and not push her further away, and this time his luck had come through. Although there was a slightly hairy moment when she’d picked him over Sarah (much to both their surprise), all in all it had been a wonderful day. He’d loved reading to Alice and Sarah. For a while he was transported back to his school, surrounded by eager wide-eyed kids hanging on his every word. He loved losing himself in books, and the art of creating worlds and characters from sheets of paper never grew any less exciting. As much as he wanted to carry on, he closed the book and turned to his other trusted pastime, puzzles.

  Just as he was about to finish a particularly good arrow word, Alfie noticed the doctor arriving on the ward. He recognized him from his previous visits to Alice’s cubicle: tall, wiry and angular. There was nothing soft about him. Even his eyes were sharp and piercing. Did all doctors grow a sharpness over time? Maybe it was the only thing that stopped them absorbing all the grief that lingered in the air. Alfie didn’t envy them one bit.

  ‘Hello Alice, it’s Mr Warring. May I come in?’

  For some reason, watching the doctor enter Alice’s cubicle made Alfie feel very nervous. What was he going to say to her? Would they be able to help her? He shuffled over in his bed to edge himself closer to her side. So what if someone caught him? Something was pulling at him; he needed to hear what was going on.

  ‘I understand that you saw yourself for the first time the other day.’ Mr Warring’s voice remained calm and steady. ‘I know that must have been hard for you, Alice. How are you feeling about it now?’

  ‘I want to know what my options are.’

  Alfie’s heart strained at the hurt in her voice.

  ‘Of course. Firstly, you can never underestimate the value of time. In six to twelve months, your scars could look very different, depending on how well you heal and look after yourself. In the short term, there’s also a variety of different topical solutions that can help reduce scarring. But if you are looking for significant improvements quickly, I’m afraid it will have to be another surgery.’

  ‘I don’t want to wait. I want results. I want the surgery.’

  ‘OK. If you do want to proceed down that route, then first I need to make you aware of what the surgery involves and also make sure you understand the risks. Essentially, we will be performing another graft but taking a large portion of skin from your shoulder area. We will also try, if we can, to rebuild some of the structure.’ Mr Warring was clearly trying his best to explain in layman’s terms. ‘The risks are the same with any large operation. Firstly, we can’t guarantee the results you want – it depends on how the skin graft takes, how you heal, and if we can harvest enough healthy skin in the first place. Secondly, there is always the risk of … complications. Your body has been through a lot, Alice, so we need to be mindful of that.’

  The more he spoke, the quicker Alfie’s heart raced. Surely she wouldn’t be willing to put herself through all this?

  ‘Whatever you say to me, doctor, I’m going ahead with the surgery. So just tell me what I need to do and how quickly we can get it scheduled.’

  He knew that Alice could be stubborn. Anyone who could be silent for weeks on end clearly had extreme willpower, but he was shocked at how forthright she sounded and how determined she was to have this operation, in spite of the risks.

  ‘Al, maybe give it a day or two just to think it over. We can discuss it and see how you feel in the morning.’

  Thank you, Sarah.

  ‘I think your friend is right. This isn’t a small undertaking, and I would ask that you take some time to think about it. I’ll check back in a couple of days and we can work out a plan from there, OK?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Great. I’ll see you both soon. Have a good afternoon.’

  All of a sudden Alfie felt very uneasy.

  ‘I know you want this, Alice, but please at least sleep on it,’ he heard Sarah say. ‘In fact, why don’t you do what we used to do … write it out? The pros and cons list. We can review it tomorrow morning if you like? You’re never one to make a rushed decision about anything. Don’t let this be the one time you do.’

  ‘You’re right. I know you’re right.’ Her voice was thick with defeat.

  ‘Now, why don’t we get Alfie to take us all back to Hogwarts again, hey?’ Sarah shouted across to him. Alfie quickly slid back to the middle of his bed. The last thing he wanted was for anyone to discover him eavesdropping.

  ‘Were you asking me or were you telling me?’ The odd sensation of anxiety was still rumbling in his stomach, but he managed to inject lightness into his voice.

  ‘Telling,’ Alice and Sarah both confirmed in unison.

  ‘As the ladies wish …’ And so he began to lose himself in the wonder of words yet again.

  43

  Alice

  She knew she wasn’t going to sleep a wink that night. There was so much going on inside her head that keeping it all in was becoming unbearable. She grabbed the piece of paper next to her bed, switched the reading light on and searched frantically for a pen.

  When in doubt, write it out.

  Sarah was right. It was always her solution whenever Alice was faced with a problem she couldn’t easily solve. Do I take this job? Do I buy these shoes? Do I spend £3,000 on a kitchen I am never going to cook in?

  ‘Pros and cons – write them down.’

  It was always the same advice, and nine out of ten times it worked.

  As Alice snatched the clipboard from the end of her bed to lean on, she couldn’t help but smile at seeing the piece of paper she’d grabbed. It was the schedule Alfie had made for her. The wonderful attempt he’d crafte
d to help her get through the days.

  Don’t think about that right now.

  Focus.

  And so, for the next hour, Alice created a pros and cons list: to have the surgery or not.

  Pros:

  – Look like less of a freak

  Come on, Alice, be serious.

  – ‘Reduced scarring and more even skin tone’ – says Mr Warring

  – Potential to look more ‘normal’

  – Help me gain more confidence

  – Less afraid to be seen

  Cons:

  – Might not work as well as I hope

  – Complications of surgery – could I die if it went wrong?

  – Have to go through recovery all over again

  – More time in hospital

  But more time in hospital could also mean more time with Alfie.

  But who was he? This man behind the curtain. The complete stranger who had now become such an integral part of her every day. There was so much she wanted to know and so much she realized she was afraid to find out.

  ‘Alfie? Are you awake?’

  ‘Yeah, are you?’

  She laughed. ‘Surprisingly, yes.’

  ‘Good. Everything OK?’

  ‘Yeah …’

  She took a deep breath in. Her mind was spinning with thoughts and it was becoming harder and harder to focus on a single thread.

  ‘It’s just … I mean … I don’t know …’

  He remained faithfully silent.

  ‘I guess I was wondering … how does it feel to be in love?’

  ‘Wow. I won’t lie to you, I wasn’t expecting that …’

  ‘Sorry.’ She was mumbling, trying to gather the words back into her mouth. ‘I just thought, because of your ex-girlfriend, that maybe—’

  ‘It’s fine. It was just a bit out of the blue.’

  God, she wished she’d never asked. The silence seemed to stretch out for hours.

  ‘Do you want the honest answer?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Do you really, Alice?

  ‘I don’t know. I thought I was in love with Lucy. She made me laugh, I made her laugh. I fancied her so much. Sometimes it hurt to look at her because I wanted her that badly. We’d been together three years and so I thought she must be the one. The one I was going to marry, have kids with, grow old with. But now, when I really think about it, it feels like there was something missing. I think I got so caught up in the idea that someone wanted me back that I let it override my true feelings. It was as though I felt like I should have been in love with her because on the surface everything was so perfect.’

  ‘It sounds perfect to me.’ She closed her eyes and let the feeling of longing drench her in sadness.

  ‘It was, but like I said, it was only surface level. I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. There wasn’t any deeper connection. I mean, look at us now. I lost my leg and she left me. She didn’t even want to try. And looking back, neither did I. I could have fought for her but I didn’t. I didn’t wake up every morning needing to know if she was OK, how she was feeling or if I could do anything to help. I didn’t waste hours upon hours just thinking about her, or ways I could make her world brighter, or things I could do just to hear her laugh one more time. Hearing her name didn’t make the hairs on my entire body stand up on end. Something was missing. There was nothing that bound us together. Do you know what I mean?’

  ‘No, Alfie, that’s the whole point. And I’m scared I never will.’ She shook her head. How stupid had she been for even bringing this up?

  Never finding love – now, where would that go on your pros and cons list, hey?

  ‘Sorry for asking a question like that. I didn’t mean to start such a deep conversation in the middle of the night.’

  ‘Well, they were a key item on our schedule, so I’m glad you’re taking it seriously!’

  She forced a laugh that seemed to disappear as quickly as it came.

  ‘I guess I’m just starting to realize how lonely I’ve been my whole life. Before I didn’t care so much, but now I think I really do.’

  ‘You have Sarah.’

  ‘True, but the reality is she’s moved away. Her life is on the other side of the world now, with Raph.’

  ‘Do you think you would ever try and reconcile with your mum?’

  ‘Ha!’ If only he knew the half of it. ‘I’ve tried, I really have. When I first left home I swore I would never contact her again. The anger was so intense I couldn’t see past it, but over the years I found there was a hole inside me I couldn’t seem to fill. Not with work, not with food, not with men. I wrote her so many letters telling her how she’d made me feel, how it was growing up in a house like ours, and how much I wanted to hear her say, “I love you.” But it was pointless. I burnt the letters and made peace with it. My family is elsewhere and I don’t need her validation to be happy.’

  The words were flowing now; she knew she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to.

  ‘Sarah is my family. I have acquaintances and people who care about me, but I don’t let anyone get too close. I used to think that was a choice. Being independent was a sign of strength and a badge I wore so fucking proudly, right in the middle of my chest. “You can’t hurt me because there’s no way in hell you’ll get close enough to try.” “The only person you can count on is yourself.” “Other people let you down, even those who are meant to take care of you and love you unconditionally.” “The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself.” All this bullshit I fed myself, just so I didn’t have to face the reality that I’m scared about being vulnerable and intimate, and God forbid, falling in love with someone. In the end I either pushed or let everyone fall away, and now, with this hideous body and face, no one is going to want to even come close.’

  ‘I’m still here.’ His voice was so quiet and timid, like a little boy.

  ‘Only because you’re stuck in the bed next to me.’

  ‘Yeah, it’s mandatory for me to spend my whole day speaking to you because I’m stuck in the bed next to you.’ Through the sarcasm, the resentment was unmistakable.

  ‘OK, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. What’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m tired, my mum is coming tomorrow and it’s going to be a tough day, so I just took it out on you.’

  ‘That’s OK. Why is it going to be tough? Is everything all right?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, all fine. Ignore me. I’m just tired.’

  ‘OK …’ She wasn’t convinced but she didn’t push it. Maybe she was starting to know his boundaries too. ‘Goodnight, Alfie, sorry for keeping you up.’

  ‘Goodnight.’ She heard him sigh and pictured this faceless man closing his eyes. ‘And just so you know … I love being stuck in the bed next to you.’

  Her breath caught in her throat, and for one glorious moment she felt her heart flutter. ‘I love you being stuck in the bed next to me too, Alfie.’

  44

  Alfie

  When he woke up the next morning he instantly felt regret at last night. Why had he said all those things to her? There was something about the darkness that made it feel safer to talk openly – no one to stare or judge you as you let fragments of your heart pass between the curtains. It had been the first time he’d ever admitted his realization about Lucy. In fact, he hadn’t even known it himself until he’d reflected on it a few days ago. He had cared for her, deeply and truly, but he had never had conversations with her like he did with Alice. As he was describing all the things that were missing from his relationship with Lucy, it dawned on him where he now sought them. Sometimes his connection with Alice felt more real and precious than three years with his ex-girlfriend. Had he revealed too many of his feelings last night? Had he given away any hint of where his thoughts were going? He prayed not. He didn’t want to give Alice any reason to push him away again, not now they’d come so far.

  The conversation hung around him like thick smo
g. His head was cloudy with lack of sleep and his body ached with frustration. Alfie concluded that it could be nothing else but an emotional hangover. And what’s the last thing you want to do when you’re hungover? Deal with your parents.

  He hadn’t lied last night when he said today would be a tough day, although he knew that his mother would try as hard as she could not to let her pain show through. In fact, he presumed she would go in the opposite direction and be overly energetic and full of joy. She would have also definitely been baking. The small silver lining to his mother’s grief was the copious amounts of baked goods that would always appear. Selfishly and very inappropriately, he found himself praying for brownies.

  *

  ‘Oh wow, Mrs Mack, you’ve got enough there to feed the entire hospital. Are you sure you don’t want any help bringing it in?’

  Alfie rolled his eyes at the sound of the nurses greeting his mother that afternoon.

  ‘No, no, not at all! You’ve got enough on your plate without carrying all this stuff in. I can manage, and if I can’t that’s why I bring Robert along.’ She laughed at her own joke.

  Yes, she’s definitely sad today.

  ‘I’ll make sure to save you some though. I’ve got lemon drizzle, flapjacks and brownies. Knowing my Alfie, there won’t be a crumb of brownie left, but I’ll try and wrestle one off him.’

  ‘Thank you, Jane. You’re a good woman, and a brave one to go up against that cheeky so-and-so!’

  ‘Oi! Ladies, stop talking about me, and come and share some of that baked goodness you’re hiding over there,’ Alfie shouted across the ward, with the hope of piquing the interest of Mr Peterson, who remained very quiet and rather lethargic these days.

  ‘Don’t forget to serve the elderly first, please,’ the old man piped up. His voice sounded strained and was almost cracking. ‘We have to make the most of these pleasures before we snuff it.’

  ‘No, thank you, Mr P. None of that talk. If anyone is going to live for ever, it will be you; if for nothing else but to continue being my favourite person to annoy!’ Alfie hauled himself up out of bed and saw his mum sneaking a plateful into Mr Peterson’s cubicle. ‘Mother! I’ll have you know he’s on a strict diet. You can’t be feeding a fragile old man that sort of thing.’ Alfie waggled his finger at them both.