Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Hold on. What?’ He couldn’t hide the shock from his voice.

  ‘I mean it. Please don’t come and visit me. Not even if …’

  ‘Alice, stop! You can’t mean that. I—’

  ‘Alfie.’ Her voice stopped him dead in his tracks. ‘If things don’t go to plan … I want you to remember me as you know me now. I want you to remember me like all those beautiful words you said to me that night. Please. Promise me.’

  He hadn’t made a sound in what felt like minutes.

  ‘Alfie, please?’

  ‘Fine. I promise, Alice.’

  ‘No matter what?’

  ‘No matter what.’

  56

  Alfie

  He held her hand until the very last moment he could.

  Everyone had been asked, as per protocol, to close their curtains while they wheeled her away. How tempted he was to leave just a crack, a tiny sliver of a gap for him to steal a glance at her before she left.

  But a promise was a promise. No matter how painful it was.

  Please keep her safe.

  Please keep her safe.

  Please keep her safe.

  He whispered the words over and over into his pillow, hoping that if he said them enough times, with enough conviction, someone somewhere would hear his plea.

  It must have been around 10 o’clock when Alfie heard the padding of footsteps approaching his bay.

  ‘Can I come in?’ Little Ruby peeked her face through his curtains.

  ‘Hey, Rubes. On holiday already? You OK?’

  ‘Yeah. Are you?’ She looked at him with a knowledge way beyond her years. ‘Can I?’ She nodded at his bed.

  ‘Of course, unless you’re too old and cool for that now?’

  ‘Not just yet.’ She ran at him, lay down and cuddled him close. ‘Especially not when you’re so sad.’

  Her words threw him; you really couldn’t keep anything secret in this place. He squeezed her warm little frame.

  They stayed like that the whole morning, with Ruby insisting they watch endless episodes of crap on TV to keep him distracted. As soon as Nurse Angles stepped on to the ward though, there was only one thing on his mind.

  ‘Alfie, honey, I know what you’re going to ask me and I haven’t heard yet.’ She hadn’t even looked up from her paperwork. ‘The moment I hear anything, you’ll be the first to know, OK?’ She stood up and laid her hand on his cheek. ‘Now, go back to bed and rest. You look like you haven’t slept in weeks.’

  Alfie attempted a smile and made his way back. He couldn’t help but sneak a glance at Mr Peterson’s old bed, now occupied by a very hairy, very disgruntled Greek man.

  Alfie spent the rest of the day feeling utterly lost.

  ‘Will you stop pacing up and down the ward, please?’ The nurses were trying not to sound exasperated but Alfie knew he was frustrating them.

  ‘Sorry, I just don’t know what else to do.’

  Walking helped. Walking made Alfie feel that he was at least doing something.

  ‘We get it, we do. But please, can you walk somewhere else other than just up and down? Maybe outside? Get some fresh air? You’re putting everyone on edge here.’

  What did everyone else matter when the most important person here was on the operating table?

  He knew it wasn’t their fault, so he bit back the words and took his sorry self out to the courtyard.

  The sun was blinding, and if it had been any other day Alfie would have relished the warm air and blue skies. Today, however, he wanted solitude and misery.

  ‘Beautiful day, isn’t it?’ An elderly lady and her husband were walking arm in arm around the garden. Alfie could only just about muster a half-smile.

  ‘Do you need a seat, son?’ A gruff middle-aged man had clearly clocked Alfie’s uneven walk.

  ‘No; thanks though.’ If he sat, he knew he’d be forced to make conversation, and he couldn’t face the thought of that. Sitting would be far too much of a commitment.

  What if he needed to go back suddenly? What if they were looking for him?

  Panic rose in his throat.

  Alfie near enough ran out of the courtyard and down the corridors. He didn’t care who he had to push out of the way to get there. The panic was forcing him to move quicker and quicker, far too fast for his pounding heart and aching leg to keep up with. But he didn’t dare stop, not even to take a breath.

  By the time he reached the entrance to the ward, the sweat was dripping down his face.

  ‘Alfie, what the hell has happened to you?’

  He shook his head, feeling foolish. Of course they knew where to find him: the nurses had practically sent him packing to the courtyard themselves.

  ‘Nothing, just tired,’ he mumbled under his breath.

  ‘Hm, OK.’ The nurse was looking at him suspiciously. ‘Well, take some rest, there’s still no news. I am checking for you, I promise.’

  He smiled, the first real smile of the day. ‘Thank you.’

  57

  Alice

  Just breathe, Alice.

  The nerves mounted with every door they passed, every corridor they wheeled her down and every turn they took.

  Could they not just give her the anaesthetic now? Knock her out unconscious and bring her round when the whole ordeal was over?

  No. Apparently they needed her awake and willing until the very last second.

  Fortunately, she didn’t have to wait long until she was moved from the waiting area into the theatre.

  It was odd how badly she longed for Nurse Angles to be greeting her instead of these strangers. How comforting her life on the ward seemed now she’d been torn away from it.

  ‘OK, Alice. We’re going to be administering the anaesthetic soon. Any other questions before we begin?’

  Alice shook her head. If she spoke, she was sure she would vomit.

  ‘I want you to take some deep breaths for me. You’re going to feel a small sharp prick and then a slightly cold sensation. It’s all normal – it’s just the anaesthetic kicking in. OK?’

  Alice smiled this time. Nodding made her feel even more nauseous.

  ‘Wonderful. I’m going to count down from ten. You’ll start to feel really sleepy soon – don’t try and resist it, just go with it, OK?’

  All at once everything started to fade. The sounds, the shapes: they all began to blur into one.

  Her eyes were heavy.

  She could barely keep them open.

  Within seconds Alice found herself lost to the darkness.

  Within an hour, she’d flatlined on the operating table.

  58

  Alfie

  Alfie knew everyone was doing their best to get information for him, but he couldn’t help feeling they weren’t trying hard enough. The not knowing was driving him crazy.

  Couldn’t they just go to the operating theatre and ask?

  At one point he’d all but convinced himself to go and find her himself. Luckily his reason kicked in and told him how stupid the idea was, and how it would probably reduce his chances of ever finding out about Alice if he was caught. And so he resigned himself to waiting.

  He waited until the afternoon shift clocked off and the night shift clocked on.

  He waited until the stars winked at him from the sky.

  He waited until it seemed that everyone on the ward was asleep but him.

  So many times his eyes would start to close and he would have to force himself to stay awake. Every time he caught the sound of footsteps he would sit upright, praying they were coming towards him. Eventually they would change direction or fade into the distance, and his heart would drop once again with the weight of not knowing.

  This time, the footsteps came straight towards him.

  He didn’t dare make a sound; he didn’t want to scare them off.

  ‘Alfie, are you still awake?’

  Why is Nurse Angles here? Didn’t she finish hours ago?

  ‘Mother A?’

  ‘Hey
, love.’ She poked her head around the curtain. He knew immediately that something was wrong.

  ‘Is she alive? Please tell me she’s alive.’ He practically screamed the words at her.

  She was suddenly by his side, all flesh and warmth, holding his hand tightly. ‘She’s alive, baby, but only just.’

  Only just.

  Those words hit him square in the chest. He felt sick. He needed to see her. He needed to go to her right away.

  ‘I need to see her. I need to see her now.’

  ‘Alfie, honey, stop.’

  ‘No. Get out of my way.’ Alfie was using every ounce of strength to find a way out of her grasp.

  ‘Look.’ She held him at arm’s length, forcing him to stop thrashing. ‘I know you want to go to her but you can’t. She’s in a critical condition. No one is allowed up there right now. Not even you.’ He could feel her fingers making marks on his skin.

  Alfie couldn’t hold off any longer, he couldn’t fight any more, and so instead he collapsed fully into her arms and cried.

  ‘What happened?’ The words were almost lost amongst the tears.

  ‘They aren’t saying much right now.’ She paused, pulling him closer. ‘All I know is she lost a lot of blood and … and …’

  She couldn’t continue and he didn’t want her to.

  *

  He couldn’t remember the exact moment he fell asleep, but he was certain Nurse Angles was holding him as he did. He was almost surprised to find she wasn’t still there with her arms wrapped around him, pulling him in tightly, when the morning came.

  Instead he heard her, already up and about, pacing down the ward and busying herself with her rounds. How could everything carry on as normal when the entire world had been pulled from underneath his feet? Thankfully she’d closed the curtains around him after she’d left, giving Alfie the privacy to do whatever he needed to do to process the news. But all he wanted to do was to see Alice.

  Why had he made that stupid fucking promise not to visit her?

  ‘Alfie, is it OK for me to come in?’ He wasn’t used to the Nurse Angles who asked for permission; it was touching to hear the caution in her voice.

  ‘Uh-huh.’ As he went to speak, he found his voice was still hoarse from the crying.

  ‘How are you doing, honey?’

  He shrugged his shoulders. More and more, Alfie was realizing that words were often useless in these situations. What could he say? Where to start? Maybe that was why Alice had taken her vow of silence for so long.

  The news seemed to have marked Nurse Angles too; as she squeezed herself down in the seat next to him, he could see the dark circles framing her red eyes. She leant in closer and took his hand in hers. ‘I’ve been up there this morning and her condition hasn’t changed since last night.’

  A conflicting mix of guilt and appreciation surged through him. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’ll do my best to keep checking, but I need you to try and keep those spirits up. It won’t help anybody if you start losing yourself too.’

  Alfie was reminded suddenly of those dark days after his accident. The days when depressive clouds would block him from doing anything but sleeping. Nurse Angles had been there through it all.

  ‘Can I ask you something?’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘Alice made me promise that no matter what happened to her, I would never go and see her. Even if the very, very worst had happened.’

  Nurse Angles couldn’t hide the flicker of surprise that flashed across her face. ‘Well, that’s a very big thing to ask of you.’

  ‘I know, and I agreed to it at the time. But now … now everything isn’t OK and I don’t know if I can keep my promise.’

  Nurse Angles took a deep breath and leant back in her chair. He was glad she was taking this so seriously; he wanted someone else to feel the gravity of his situation.

  ‘And you want my opinion on what to do? Is that what you’re saying?’

  He nodded.

  ‘Well, baby.’ He could tell she was choosing her words carefully. ‘If it were me – and ultimately it’s not, so you can do whatever you like – but if it were me and I made a promise to someone I cared deeply for, I would do everything I could to honour it.’ She squeezed his hand, and he was sure she knew those weren’t the words he wanted to hear.

  He squeezed hers back.

  ‘I’ll leave you be now, but you know where I am if you need me. I’m always here. Always.’ She hauled herself up and started to shuffle her way out of his little bay. ‘Oh, and don’t forget, your mum’s coming to visit today.’

  She probably hoped that would bring a smile to his face, but the news of his impending departure had made Jane Mack even more hyper than before. Alfie cringed every time he heard the nurses speaking to her on the phone: ‘Yes, Jane, we’ll make sure that’s sorted.’ ‘No, Mrs Mack, there hasn’t been any change in the date – he’s still on track to go at the end of next week.’ ‘Hi Jane, still no change!’ ‘Jane, we will call if something happens, OK?’

  He knew that she would all but move in with him in his final week. In her mind there was simply so much to sort. In reality, Alfie could probably pack all of his things up into one small box in less than ten minutes, but he knew there would be no telling her that. Instead he would let her tell him exactly what needed to be done, exactly where he was going to go, and exactly how he was going to get there.

  When she arrived later that afternoon though, even he couldn’t hide his surprise at the bags of cleaning products she was holding.

  ‘Afternoon, everyone.’ Her excitement was palpable as she breezed through the ward.

  Alfie looked at Robert, who was trailing behind with piles of cake tins.

  Before he had a chance to open his mouth, she had begun fussing and flapping.

  ‘Not long now, honey! God, there’s so much to do before you go. I’ve brought some cleaning stuff so we can make this place a little tidier – it’s always nice to clean up after yourself, isn’t it?’

  ‘Mum, you know they have professionals who do that for you? As part of their job.’

  She had already extracted the anti-bacterial spray from the bag and was wiping down the surfaces.

  ‘Mum.’ He didn’t mean to sound so forceful. ‘Stop.’

  She turned to look at him, confused. ‘What’s wrong?’

  He knew if he told her the truth, it would open up realms of pain. He wasn’t ready for that, but the cleaning and fussing had to stop.

  ‘Nothing, I’m just tired. Can you sit for a minute?’

  ‘Of course.’ She dropped the spray and sat down on the edge of his bed. ‘I brought some flapjacks in for the nurses, a little thank you for all their hard work. Do you want one? They won’t notice if one goes missing, I’m sure!’

  He shook his head; his normally raging appetite had all but disappeared since Alice had gone into surgery.

  ‘Sweetheart, are you sure you’re OK?’

  Dammit. He should have known refusing treats would be a red flag.

  ‘Yeah, I’m just really tired.’

  ‘Hmmmm.’ She always knew when he was lying. ‘It’s a big change, Alf. It’s OK to be worried or feel a little scared.’

  How wonderful: the perfect cover-up, neatly wrapped and handed to him on a plate.

  ‘Yeah, totally, it’s all just a little overwhelming.’

  ‘Of course it is. But don’t worry; we’ve already started thinking about things so that you don’t have to. The morning they discharge you, we will come and pick you up in the car and take you to our house. You can stay there for as long as you want. We’ve already done the checks on your flat to see if it’s suitable for you, and everything looks perfectly fine. I’ve phoned the school and told them you’re being discharged – oh, they were so pleased! It sounds like you’ve been missed terribly.’

  All Alfie could do was smile and nod while trying not to scream at the absurdity of the situation.

  I don’t care about any o
f this. I just need to know if she’s OK.

  Thankfully Robert was a bit more tuned in to Alfie’s mood and could sense he needed some room to breathe. ‘Come on, love, why don’t we hand these flapjacks round? I’m sure people are dying for a sugar hit!’

  ‘Great idea. Alfie, sweetie, we won’t be long.’ Just before she disappeared, she placed a couple on his bedside table. ‘In case you get peckish later, hey?’

  How incredibly generous this woman was and how incredibly guilty he felt about wanting her gone. A part of him had hoped their presence would be a welcome distraction, but instead their small talk and fussing left him feeling even more stifled than being alone with his thoughts. As he lay there staring at the curtain, he felt a deep urge to pull it back and take a peek into Alice’s space next to him. Before he knew it, the fabric was between his fingers, ready for the reveal. How would it feel to finally see her space? See where she slept, where she dreamed and cried and laughed. Just as he was about to do it, his stomach lurched. Something was stopping him in his tracks.

  He’d made a promise, and even seeing this piece of her felt like a betrayal.

  ‘Oh, I am going to miss those nurses when you leave, Alfie. They really are a godsend.’

  He dropped the curtain immediately and prayed that guilt hadn’t written itself all over his face. Jane Mack was a social creature, and she returned over an hour later with empty tins and heaps of gossip to share. Her eyes darted to the two untouched flapjacks by his bedside. ‘Honey, you really must be tired, you haven’t even sniffed at those! How about we leave you to get some rest? You really do look exhausted.’

  ‘Sure.’ He wasn’t about to argue with that.

  ‘Robert and I will be back to collect you soon. Nurse Angles said the assessment will be in the next day or two, so don’t worry about packing your things; we can sort it when we get here. Can you believe my baby is coming home!’ She planted a kiss on the top of his head.

  Alfie barely managed to construct a half-smile. This mask of his was getting harder and harder to put on.

  59