Alfie
Alfie Mack was never very good at saying goodbye. He didn’t like the act of going, and more than that he couldn’t bear the thought of people leaving him. He struggled to say goodbye to his classes at the end of each term. He found it hard to say goodbye to his mum and dad after dinner every Sunday. Now, here he was, staring straight into the reality that he was about to say goodbye to the place and people who had saved his life.
The doctor had come during the morning rounds and delivered the news. It was formal and mechanical, a routine discharge, probably one of thousands this doctor had done over her lifetime. But to Alfie it was life-changing.
‘Based on our review of your notes and assessments, we have deemed you fit to go. You’ll be able to leave as soon as the paperwork has been written up and signed. Do you need me to call your family?’ She’d barely even looked at him.
‘No thank you, doctor. My mum is on standby anyway, so I’m sure she’ll be calling any minute to check how I’m doing.’
Jesus, how old are you? Three?
‘Right.’ Her smile had pity written all over it. ‘Well, any problems, you know where we are.’
And that was that. It was officially time for Alfie to go home, and yet after nearly three long months he was desperate to stay.
For the rest of the morning, all he’d been able to do was lie on his bed in silence. He didn’t feel the usual pressure to play entertainer, nor the guilt of being quiet. All Alfie wanted was to try and absorb as much as he could of this strange little bubble for as long as possible. Could he commit the sterile smell of the ward to memory? Could he imprint the pastel-coloured walls on to the back of his eyelids so that whenever he needed to take himself back here, all he would need to do was close his eyes? How could he capture the sounds of hospital life eternally inside his head? Everything that had once seemed so harsh and abnormal now felt as integral as the beating of his heart.
‘Alfie!’ His stupor was broken instantly by Ruby’s cry as she ran on to the ward.
‘Hey, you! How was Grandma and Grandpa’s today?’ He loved the chaos this kid brought with her every time she came to visit. She was a bundle of noise and energy that catapulted through the beige ward like a firecracker.
‘Mum told me you’re leaving today.’ Ruby stood at the end of his bed, wide-legged, hands on hips and with an almighty scowl on her face.
‘That’s right, kid. I’m off.’ He held out his hand to her.
‘No.’ She stamped her foot hard on the floor.
‘Oh, come on, Rubes, don’t be like that. You can’t be grumpy on my last day.’
He saw the bottom lip start to go.
‘But I don’t want you to leave me.’ She ran at him as the tears fell hard and fast.
‘I know.’ He held her close. ‘But I can still come and visit you and your mum. We’re friends, aren’t we?’ He held her out in front of him and looked into her crestfallen face.
She managed a slight nod.
‘Well then. Friends don’t leave each other. Ever. Never forget that, OK?’
‘OK.’ A small toothy smile crept on to her face.
‘Plus,’ he whispered loudly in her ear, ‘who is going to take care of Sharon for me when I’m gone?’
‘Oi! I don’t need looking after, thank you very much!’
Ruby burst into laughter as she ran back across the ward and unceremoniously launched herself on to her mum’s bed.
He looked over to the bed that had belonged to Mr Peterson, a man Alfie had grown to care for and admire so deeply. Then he became aware of the absence of Alice’s voice next to him. The sound he would wake up to every morning and fall asleep to each night. In that moment, it dawned on him why it was so hard to say goodbye. These strangers had become his family.
Even Nurse Angles had taken her break early to come and say her farewells. For a few minutes they simply sat side by side in silence.
‘Mother A, I just wa—’
‘Hush, baby. Not just yet.’
He couldn’t bring himself to look at her, and he suspected she was avoiding his gaze too.
‘Alfie, honey, we’re good to go. Robert’s down in the car waiting for us,’ Alfie’s mum cooed, suddenly appearing in front of them.
No.
Please, not yet.
Just a few more moments.
‘Jane, sweetie—’ Nurse Angles’ voice cracked ever so slightly. ‘If it’s OK with you, I’d like to be the one to walk Alfie out. I was the one who brought him in here and it just seems right that I be the one to take him out. We won’t be long, I promise.’
‘Sure thing. We’ll be waiting outside.’
Before Alfie could thank her, Nurse Angles had turned to him with a fierce expression on her face. ‘Alfie Mack, you listen to me and you listen to me good. I am so deeply, deeply proud of everything you’ve done here. Not only have you fought so hard for your recovery, but you’ve also been a lifeline for so many people on this ward. You promise me that you’ll keep that sunshine burning bright, no matter what comes your way. And above all else, you promise me here and now that no matter how hard it gets, you’ll keep fighting. Yours is a life worth living, and I’ll still be here cheering you on every goddam step of the way.’
Her eyes were glistening and her grip had tightened on his hand. He stared right into her dark brown eyes and felt his heart swell with love.
‘I promise.’
‘Now, come here and give this old woman one last hug!’ And just like that she was all smiles and warmth again. Alfie reached for her and let her embrace swallow him whole. He nestled as deep as he could and breathed her in. Her generosity. Her open heart. Her mothering instinct. He wanted to take as much of her with him as he could.
‘Thank you, my very own Mother Angel. I’ll hold you in my heart for ever.’ He kissed her cheek before pulling himself upright. ‘Right, let’s do this!’
‘Let’s do this, baby.’ She linked his arm and laughed that wondrous deep laugh.
Together they made their way down the ward, arm in arm, side by side. As they walked through the double doors, the whole ward erupted into cheers.
Just before they reached the exit, Alfie stopped. He’d been waiting until the very last moment possible to ask her one last favour, because he knew when he did, it really would be the end.
‘Mother A? I need your help, just one last time …’
60
Alice
Alice had lost all concept of time. She didn’t know where she was, what had happened or why. All she knew was that slowly, very slowly, she was beginning to wake up.
It started with the odd flash of light. She’d try and open her eyes to see, but it would be so bright she’d be forced to close them instantly. Then came the sounds. The sounds of people around her, next to her, talking about her. Throwing words to each other so quickly she barely had time to try and catch them. At first it didn’t matter; all that mattered was that she wasn’t alone. She was somewhere other than the inside of that fire, and she was no longer alone.
‘Alice, honey, can you hear me?’
Without thinking, she moved her head.
‘Alice? If you can hear me, can you nod your head again for me?’
Go away, it’s too painful.
‘Alice, if you can hear me, I need you to make a sign.’
God, this woman is relentless.
Using every drop of strength she had, Alice nodded.
‘Fantastic!’ The pushy woman was almost singing with excitement. ‘Well done, my love. I’ll go get the doctor immediately. Just sit tight for me.’
Oh, because I’m really likely to be wandering off, am I?
It was surprising to hear her own thoughts again. How long since she’d been able to do that? What had happened to her? She tried to lift her head but it was too heavy. In fact, her entire body felt as though someone had filled it with lead.
‘Alice, my name is Mr Warring. I was your surgeon. Do you remember me?’
I’m tired, leave me alone.
Why did doctors always insist on trying to tell you things when you were half asleep?
‘Alice, I need to tell you some very important news, so I have to make sure you can hear me and understand.’
She forced her eyes open. One look at his face and everything came flooding back.
The operation.
Her face.
Sarah.
Alfie.
‘What happened?’ Her voice was so hoarse that if it hadn’t come from her mouth she would have sworn it belonged to someone else.
‘I’m afraid there were some major complications with the surgery.’
Oh God, no.
‘You lost an awful lot of blood and you went into cardiac arrest. We …’
He paused.
Why was he pausing?
Alice could feel the blood surging through her. Why was he looking at her like that?
‘We were unable to finish the operation.’
Her hands immediately flew to her face. There were bandages wrapped around her.
‘What do you mean?’ The nausea crawled up her throat, making it hard to breathe.
‘Unfortunately we had to abort the operation before it was complete. We think we managed to make some improvements, but we can’t be sure until you’re fully healed.’
He didn’t even have the decency to look her in the eye. Why was he talking to the goddam floor? Could he not stand to see the monster he’d failed to fix?
‘I’m so sorry. I’ll come back tomorrow to check on the wounds. In the meantime, is there anyone you’d like us to call?’
She shook her head.
How could she tell them it hadn’t worked? How could she admit it had been a huge mistake? It had failed. Nothing had changed. She was still broken, and she needed to get used to the fact that now she always would be.
61
Alfie
Leaving the hospital was one of the most surreal experiences of Alfie’s life. As he walked out into the car park, he was half expecting someone to tap him on the shoulder and tell him they’d made a mistake
Not today, son. Back you go.
Instead, all he had was his mum pulling him towards the car, itching to get her precious gift inside and on the road. She’d been flying high from the moment she laid eyes on him, and he could tell even Robert was trying his best not to cry now. Alfie wished so badly he could join them in their joy, but the only feeling that sat at the pit of his stomach was a cold sharp anxiety.
The drive home brought back so many memories that Alfie found himself lost in a blur of nostalgia. The streets he’d driven down but rarely paid attention to, buildings he’d walked past but never taken the time to look inside, restaurants he’d eaten in and never gone back to. Every one of them so familiar yet so different. It was the same old London, his same old neighbourhood, but something had changed. He’d changed. Life had seamlessly gone on without him, yet in that time Alfie’s entire world had been turned upside down. He felt like a stranger in his own city, conflicted and confused as to where he belonged. Anxiety spiked in his chest.
Take me back to the ward. I need to go back.
‘You OK, Alf?’
His mum’s eyes had been dutifully watching him in the mirror.
‘Yeah, all good, Mum.’ He smiled and rested his forehead against the window.
One step at a time … that’s all it takes.
Even as he stood outside his mum’s front door, he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. It was so surreal that at one point he wondered if he was dreaming.
‘Come on, let’s get you inside.’
He took a deep breath, willing his heart to slow down as he stepped over the threshold.
‘Surprise!’
Alfie’s entire body was thrown backwards in shock. If Robert hadn’t been behind him, he was sure he’d have ended up on the floor.
‘Fuck-ing hell!’ He didn’t mean to shout. He didn’t mean to swear. But by God, his heart was about to throw itself out of his chest.
He closed his eyes.
Breathe, Alfie. Just breathe.
Slowly he opened them again. Staring back at him was a room full of very concerned and very awkward-looking people. Friends and family he knew and loved so deeply that as soon as he saw them he couldn’t stop smiling.
‘Are you trying to send me back to that hospital or what!’
‘You gave us all a fright there!’ His mum nervously grabbed his hand and led him further into the room.
He’d managed to salvage the situation. Just.
After the shock had worn off, Alfie had to admire the speed at which his mother must have worked. In the space of the few hours since they’d been given the all clear, Jane Mack had managed to pull together one hell of a party. Balloons filled every possible space left between the ‘Welcome Home’ and ‘Congratulations’ banners strung across the room. Food and drinks were covering every available surface, and Alfie noticed even the furniture had been cleared to make room for the crowd. He knew how much this meant to her. He knew how much it meant to everyone in the room for him to be here. He stopped and pulled his mum in for a hug.
‘Thank you.’ He kissed her warm cheek and felt the skin flush instantly.
‘Welcome home, son.’
He was loath to admit it but the party was actually quite fun. For a good three hours Alfie didn’t think about the hospital once. He was too busy being passed around with the canapés, from friends to family back to friends again, all so happy he was back home. Maybe this wasn’t going to be so bad. Maybe transitioning back to his old life was just like pressing start again after a very long pause. Life had gone on, time had passed, but no one had forgotten him and nothing had changed dramatically.
Except for him.
‘Everything all right over here, son?’ Robert appeared with another tray of food. How on earth his mum had managed to mass cater at such short notice blew Alfie’s mind, but he reached for a handful of the spring rolls and shoved them unceremoniously into his mouth. The more he ate, the less he had to speak. ‘Glad to see you haven’t lost that appetite of yours.’
Alfie smiled and nodded.
Suddenly it all felt too much. There were too many people and there wasn’t enough room to breathe. The spring rolls felt stuck in his throat, the wet pastry clinging on and refusing to go down.
No.
Surely it wasn’t happening again.
They hadn’t happened like this in weeks.
Please, not here. Not now.
Alfie managed to force his way through the gathering of people and out into the hallway. He needed to be alone and away from all the noise. The voices in his head were growing louder and louder, and it was becoming harder to drown them out. He reached for the front door and sat down in the porch. As the fresh air hit him, so too did the force of the flashback. Uncontrollably and unwillingly he was dragged back to the night of the accident. The screams, the cries, the burning smell of tarmac and flesh.
No.
Please, stop it.
NO!
‘Alfie?’
He was back. On his parents’ front step. Cold. Shaking. Drenched in sweat.
‘Alfie, son, are you OK?’ Robert was crouching by his side, still clutching the tepid tray of snacks.
‘Yeah, sorry, just felt a bit dizzy was all.’ The words tangled themselves up in each other and Alfie was surprised they managed to form a sentence.
‘I understand. It’s a lot in there, isn’t it?’ He managed to squeeze himself into the tiny gap between Alfie and the doorframe. ‘Do you want me to start encouraging people to get on their way? We’ll take you back to your flat as soon as they’ve cleared out.’
‘No, it’s fine. I know how much it means to Mum. I’ll be back inside in a bit. I think I just needed some air.’ There he was again, the people-pleasing Alfie who’d rather sit here reliving the day his friends died than risk upsetting the party.
‘Sure?’ Robert looked at him,
alert to any hint of a lie.
‘Positive.’
62
Alice
Apparently, for Alice recovery was quicker the second time round. She was healing well, her blood pressure was stable, and she was regaining strength day by day. Although the operation hadn’t improved her injuries, it seemed it hadn’t done any further damage either, and according to her recovery plan she was still on track. To everyone around her, this news was miraculous. To Alice, it was just adding salt to the wound.
‘You’re doing so well.’
‘Considering what happened, you’ve bounced back incredibly quickly!’
Bounced back to what?
The same mess I was before this whole pointless ordeal?
The silver-tongued voice inside her head had returned and this time it was taking no prisoners. Angry thoughts gnawed away at her, feeding off any hope or trace of positivity that remained. Bitterness crystalized inside her stomach; it sat sour and heavy, weighing her down with its solidity.
How had she found herself back here again?
What would Alfie say if he knew?
She could hear the sound of his voice so clearly in her mind that she forgot for a moment he wasn’t actually there with her. Her eyes snapped open.
Oh God, how long has it been?
‘Excuse me, nurse.’ She looked round wildly for any sign of help. ‘Nurse!’ Her voice was strained in panic.
‘Yes, Alice, is everything OK?’ Someone was by her side. She didn’t even register their face; she just needed answers.
‘How long have I been here for?’
‘Erm …’
‘Tell me. How long?’ She didn’t care that she was practically shouting; she had to know.
‘It’s been just over a week, sweetie.’
No.
He can’t have gone.
Not without saying goodbye.
‘Has … has anyone been to visit me?’ Her heart was racing as her body tingled with anticipation.
‘No. The nurses from the rehab ward asked after you a lot. Actually, so much so that we had to ban them from coming up here. But apart from that, no one.’
Before I Saw You Page 24
