He’d kept his promise.
She couldn’t even wait for the nurse to leave before the tears came.
‘Alice, what’s wrong?’
She buried her face deep into her pillow. ‘Nothing. Please just go!’ This was a private pain. It was all hers and she didn’t want anyone to bear witness to it.
‘OK.’ The nurse hesitated, lingering for just a moment. ‘You know where we are if you need us.’
*
‘Good morning, Alice.’
No. I don’t want to exist today, thank you. Let me lie here in the darkness and wallow.
‘The doctor has already paged me to say he’s coming down later to check on you.’
Why did the nurse sound so nervous?
‘It might be time to take off the bandages …’
‘OK.’ It was all the exhaustion would allow her to mutter.
‘There’s also someone here to see you.’
Instantly her body sprang to life. Her heart leapt to her throat and her stomach twisted in on itself.
‘Alice, baby, it’s me …’
Confusion and realization collided. It wasn’t him. But it was her.
‘Nurse Angles?’
‘Can I come in?’ Her caution was endearing.
‘Sure.’
Nurse Angles had seen Alice at her worst so there was really no point in hiding from her.
‘Hey there, honey.’ The moment her face appeared from behind the curtain, Alice felt herself inflate with warmth. A deep feeling of love radiated through her for a second, so unexpected it rendered her breathless.
‘Hi.’ A tiny whisper was all she could manage.
‘We’ve been missing you downstairs.’ All caution disappeared as Nurse Angles manoeuvred herself into the chair next to Alice. ‘You gave us a fright, going and nearly dying like that!’
Alice smiled. ‘Yeah, sorry about that.’
‘Well, you’re here and alive and that’s all that matters.’ She reached over and grasped her hand tightly. She’d missed being held more than she could ever have imagined.
‘And …’ The question was dancing on the tip of her tongue. ‘And how … how is Alfie?’
Nurse Angles smiled even wider. ‘Well, he was a pain in my backside, asking me to come and check on you every five minutes. I practically got banned from this floor I was up here so much!’ She let out one of her deep belly laughs and Alice couldn’t help but join in. ‘He also made me promise to give you this …’ From her bag Nurse Angles produced a letter and neatly wrapped package. ‘I wanted to make sure you were awake and well before I delivered it. Couldn’t have it getting misplaced now, could I?’
Alice took the gift and stared at it. It was small, rectangular, and she was surprised how carefully it had been wrapped in its brown paper covering. Had he really left this? For her?
‘Now, I need to get myself back downstairs. You know what they’re like down there – God knows what trouble’s been caused since I left.’
Alice was still fixated on the parcel and letter in her hands.
‘Make sure you come and say goodbye before you leave, OK?’ One final squeeze and Nurse Angles heaved herself up to go.
‘Thank you.’ Alice squeezed back. ‘Thank you so much for coming.’
‘Any time.’ She turned just before leaving. ‘I mean that, OK? You need anything, just get them to buzz me.’
Alice was still in such shock she only managed to nod in acknowledgement.
‘Right, Mary, I’m off. Keep me posted on everything, will you?’ The booming voice of Nurse Angles could be heard even as she was making her way out of the ward.
Alice turned the letter over in her hands and saw his tiny scrawl on the front.
Big Al
Aka
The lady behind the curtain
Adrenaline was rushing through her blood and the anticipation became too much to bear. She opened the envelope as carefully as she could and pulled out a single sheet of paper. Her eyes were moving so fast to read everything at once that she found nothing was making sense.
She closed her eyes and took a long inhalation.
Slow down.
Take your time.
Breathe.
She opened her eyes and began again.
Dear Alice,
I hope the cute nickname on the front didn’t put you off opening this. It was a big risk but one I was willing to take (especially as I won’t be there in person to feel your wrath when you read it!).
I’m sorry if you had to wait before receiving this letter. The only person I could trust to give it to you was Mother A. I hate the thought of you waking up and thinking I’d left without a goodbye, but I am hoping it’s worth the wait.
Alice, I wanted to start by saying … WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING TO ME! Going and getting yourself nearly killed again. I won’t lie, I probably cursed you as many times as I prayed for you. I’m sure you weren’t having the time of your life up there in intensive care, but it wasn’t much fun for me down here without you either. But on a serious note, I kept the promise I made to you and never came to see you. I may have sent Mother A up to check on you a few times, but all I asked was to know you were OK.
Secondly, I really hope that this operation gives you what you need to feel confident in going out and starting your life again. I hope it gives you what you need to feel as beautiful as you always have been to me, and I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive from the start. There are so many things I want to tell you, but instead of writing them out in my quite frankly appalling handwriting, I’ve left my address at the bottom.
Alice Gunnersley, it would be the greatest honour if you would come and meet me in person, whenever and if ever you feel ready to. I appreciate there are probably many things you wish to do when you get out of the hospital, and coming to find the slightly annoying stranger in the bed next to you might not be high up on that list. However, if there is any part of you that wants to, I will be waiting.
Regardless of what you choose to do, Alice, you have to know that wherever I go or whatever I do, I will carry a piece of you in my heart with me for ever.
Thank you for being the best roommate (kind of) ever.
All my love,
Alfie Mack
Aka your new BFF
P.S. Enjoy the puzzles.
Her mind was alive with a million different thoughts, but she didn’t have any time to let them settle before another voice drifted in from the outside.
‘Alice … Mr Warring is here to see you.’
‘Come in.’ She clutched the parcel tightly then slid the precious gift under the covers.
‘Hi Alice. How are we doing today?’
‘OK.’ Alice felt sick. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take this morning.
‘Can I take a quick look at the dressings, please?’
Mr Warring was now so close to her face that Alice didn’t dare breathe.
‘I think we are all good to go. Are you ready for us to take them off?’
This time there wouldn’t be anyone to hold her hand. There would be no one there to tell her it was going to be OK. She was going into this alone and she realized she didn’t like it one bit. Alice nodded her head, holding the letter tightly in her hand, feeling the weight of the present by her side. It was the only piece of him she had left.
You’ll have to wait a bit longer, Alfie.
There’s something else that needs unwrapping first.
The cold breeze of air was a welcome relief on her skin, and she closed her eyes as the nurse gently cut the last remaining bandages loose.
‘Right, Alice, I’m just going to quickly clean this last bit up and then we can take a look, OK?’
She nodded and made some sort of noise of acknowledgement. The nerves had taken hold of her altogether, and her throat was so tight it hurt to breathe.
‘So whenever you’re ready, open your eyes.’
Slowly the outline of her came into view.
Her h
air, longer now than before but still as richly auburn as ever.
Her right side, exactly the same as it always had been. Average to some but still perfectly her.
She took a deep breath in as she dared to look at the left side.
‘Oh God!’ The cry unleashed itself from her.
She screwed her eyes tightly closed.
‘Alice, you need to understand that you’re still healing. The skin is still very sore but there are definite improvements. Please, let me show you.’
Stop trying to make yourself feel better.
You’ve done nothing.
You lied.
The anger licked her insides, unfurling itself quicker and quicker.
‘Alice.’ The nurse reached for her hand. ‘Trust me, it’s going to be hard and it’s going to feel awful right now, but give him a chance, OK? Let him show you.’
She opened her eyes once more.
This time she could see he was right. There were improvements. If you looked closely enough, you could see the skin was smoother and perhaps a little tighter in places. But it was still obvious she had been hurt badly. It was also obvious that a lot of time and effort had gone into trying to piece her back together. And it was definitely obvious that it hadn’t worked. She was still just a patchwork quilt of skin and scars.
‘The swelling will reduce quite quickly and we will give you some topical cream to continue to help the scarring. I know we weren’t able to do as much as we wanted to, but I’m still happy with the results. Honestly, Alice, give it a few weeks and I think you’ll be surprised.’
She couldn’t even look at him. How dare he try to placate her with marginally fewer scars and a slightly smoother cheek?
Shame began to consume her.
This was it. This was what she was left with. The hope that her self-worth, her self-confidence would return to normal was shattered. She stuffed the letter and unopened package in her bedside table. She couldn’t bear to look at something so hopeful and full of expectation when all she had left was disappointment. How would anyone be able to love someone so broken?
63
Alfie
Alfie had insisted he wanted to spend his first night back in his own flat. His mother had done her very best to persuade him otherwise, but he knew he needed to bite the bullet or risk spending an eternity regressing into a teenager living at his mum’s house.
‘Here we are, son,’ Robert declared as they approached his front door.
‘And you’re sure you don’t want to come back with us? You’re welcome to stay for as long as you like, Alfie. It’s no problem at all.’ His mother was adopting a breezy tone but Alfie could see the desperation in her eyes.
‘Thank you, Mum. It really means a lot, but like I said, I just want to get in and settled as quickly as possible.’ He turned the key in the lock and heard the sweet satisfactory click of the door opening. Alfie had been fortunate once again. His flat was situated on the ground floor of an old Victorian house and so hadn’t required any major alterations to make it suitable for his arrival. It wasn’t much; just your typical one-bedroom, barely room to swing a cat, extortionately priced London living space. But it was all his.
He switched on the hall light and took a deep breath in.
Home sweet home.
‘I’ll drop your stuff in the bedroom, put the shopping in the fridge, and then I guess we’ll leave you to it.’ Robert was playing his usual role of peacekeeper and trying his best to be upbeat. Alfie’s heart surged with gratitude to him.
‘We made sure it was all in order before you came – everything’s been cleaned and there are fresh sheets on the bed. It’s always nice to come back to clean sheets, isn’t it?’ His mum’s eyes were starting to glaze over with tears.
‘Come here.’ Alfie pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. He knew she wanted him to stay close to her. The thought of letting him out of her sight again and back into the big wide world must be terrifying. He kissed the top of her head and then held her out in front of him. ‘I’ll be OK. I promise.’ He smiled.
‘I know, I know. I’m just being silly.’ She shook her head and laughed.
‘All good to go then, son,’ Robert announced, striding back into the hallway. ‘Call us if you need anything, OK?’ He patted him firmly on the arm.
‘Will do.’ Alfie felt a rush of sadness well up inside him. ‘And … thanks for everything.’
‘Right you are. Come on, love, let’s go.’ Robert steered his mum out of the door before she could try and resist.
‘Bye,’ Alfie called out, but the door had closed and he was speaking, for the first time in ages, to nobody.
*
Over the next few days, it became very clear to Alfie that the surprise welcome home party was just the start of the celebrations. He hadn’t needed to worry about being left on his own, as every day his flat was filled with people popping in and out, bringing an abundance of food, cards and good wishes with them. Great-aunts, cousins, neighbours and friends all passed through on an endless conveyor belt, and by the end of his first week at home, Alfie had to admit he was exhausted. There was no downtime, and although he’d spent nearly three months surrounded by people on the ward, this felt like it required a whole new level of effort. No time to shut the curtains and disappear into his own thoughts. No space to be alone with himself. Every day someone wanted to talk to him, to tell him how glad they were to see him and ask him how great it felt being home.
‘It must be such a relief to be out of that ghastly hospital ward at last.’
‘I don’t care how well they looked after you in there – there really is no place like home.’
‘You must be thrilled to have your own space again.’
He nodded and agreed, placating them with smiles and murmurs of acknowledgement, but he couldn’t shift the growing sense that he’d felt more at home in the hospital.
Maybe that’s because she was there.
The second thoughts of Alice crept into his mind, he shut them down. There was simply no point torturing himself any further. It hurt enough hearing her in his dreams each night, let alone allowing his waking hours to be consumed by her. His regular flashbacks now seemed to be continuously interrupted by the sounds of Alice, and every morning he’d wake delirious with the hope of turning over and seeing her hand outstretched, waiting for him. Instead he was met with disappointment and silence. He’d lie in bed staring at his ceiling for hours, until the realization that there would be another visitor arriving soon would pull him up and out and into the shower. Each day it became harder and harder to get moving, but he knew he had to, for everyone’s sake. This was the moment they’d all been hoping and praying for, and he couldn’t let them down now.
In between visitors and mealtimes, Alfie spent most of his days immersed in his puzzle books. He sought refuge in complex Sudokus and intricate word searches. He tried to exhaust his brain with the most challenging crosswords and riddles. But not even his most trusted vice gave him peace any more. It wasn’t the same without them. The back and forth between him, Alice and Mr Peterson was what made doing the puzzles so much fun. That was why he loved them so much: because they were doing them with him. Now he just had his own thoughts for company and that wasn’t much fun at all.
By the third week, he’d had to enforce a strict quota on how many times his mum came to visit. For the first couple of days, she’d casually turn up unannounced at his front door in the morning and refuse to leave until after dinner. Since then, it was decided she’d make weekly visits only and phone calls in between. But even that Alfie was finding arduous. Every time the phone rang his heart would sink, and every day his patience seemed to grow thinner.
‘Hi Alfie, it’s me.’
He took a deep breath and willed himself to stay calm this time.
‘Hi Mum.’
‘How are you doing?’
‘Same as yesterday.’
‘Good, good. Have you spoken to your brothers at all? I�
�m meant to be Skyping them later.’
‘No. I’ll message them in a bit.’
Alfie could feel his fists clenching. Why did he find this so hard?
‘Well, make sure you do. They miss you.’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘Have you heard from anyone on the ward since you left?’
He loved his mum, he really truly did, but sometimes he wished she wouldn’t feel the need to constantly and relentlessly fire questions at him.
‘Nope.’
‘That’s a shame. You had some really great friends there, didn’t you?’
‘Yeah.’ In response to the daily interrogation, he’d adopted the terrible habit of offering only one-word answers. Keep it short and sweet with no room for further questioning.
‘Why don’t you call the hospital, and we can see if we can go and visit?’
‘Maybe.’
‘Well, you let me know. I’m more than happy to drive you.’
Then came the guilt.
She’s just trying to help.
I don’t need help.
Are you sure about that one?
‘Thanks.’
‘Of course. I love you, Alfie.’
‘I love you too.’
64
Alice
Alice had been discharged from St Francis’s hospital a month after the bandages had come off. It had been a sobering moment when she’d packed up her things and walked out into the world completely alone.
‘Alice, baby, wait.’
Her head instinctively turned. She had to laugh as she watched Nurse Angles willing her curvy frame to move quickly through the crowds in reception.
‘You can’t go without giving me one last goodbye!’
How did she know?
Alice allowed herself to be taken into the nurse’s arms.
‘How did you even kn—’
‘You think I’d let them discharge you without telling me? What kind of woman do you take me for!’ she exclaimed.
Alice couldn’t stop herself from laughing. How wonderful it felt to be held like this again. Not quite the firm muscular frame of Sarah, but with the exact same warmth and care that made her heart soar.
Before I Saw You Page 25
