Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  As Alice sat there trying to find excuses not to answer, it dawned on her that not only would she have to face up to telling Sarah the truth but she’d also have to face herself again. The morning after she’d got home from hospital, Alice had taken down every single mirror she owned. Even the thought of walking past one and catching her reflection worried her. Now she was about to see her face reflected back to her on the screen.

  Sarah Mansfield would like FaceTime

  Alice clasped the phone tightly.

  For Christ’s sake, Alice. Get a grip.

  She closed her eyes and hit accept.

  ‘Aha, she lives!’

  ‘Only just …’ She was suddenly aware of how dishevelled she looked. Would Sarah be able to tell she hadn’t left the flat in over a week?

  ‘How’s it all been? Please tell me you’ve left the flat at least once?’

  Fuck.

  ‘Erm.’ Alice smiled coyly.

  ‘Alice Gunnersley!’

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ As hard as she tried, she couldn’t stop looking at the little image of herself in the top right-hand corner of the screen. In miniature form she didn’t look so bad, especially if she held the phone as far away from her face as possible.

  ‘So come on then, show me the new and improved you. I can barely see anything in that light.’ Sarah’s face was beaming with excitement.

  ‘The thing is …’ Her words felt like glue in her mouth.

  ‘Stop making excuses and show me! I know what you’re like, Alice, you’re just being hard on yourself.’

  Tell her.

  Just say it now.

  ‘It didn’t work!’ She practically screamed the words out.

  ‘What?’ Sarah’s face twisted in confusion. ‘What didn’t work?’

  Alice could barely see the screen through her tears. ‘The operation. They had to abandon it. It didn’t work, Sarah. I have practically the same mess of a face you left me with. The scarring has gone down a little and it’s less red in places, but … I’m still a freak.’

  ‘Don’t you dare, Alice.’ Sarah was angry now; Alice didn’t even need to see her to know that. ‘You are not a freak. Do you hear me? You are more than your looks – you always have been and you always will be.’

  ‘That’s easy for you to say.’

  And with that Alice hung up.

  Barely two seconds passed before the screen flashed brightly.

  Sarah Mansfield would like FaceTime Audio

  It took every piece of energy she had to answer.

  ‘Come on, Al. You don’t even need to look at me – just please talk to me.’

  ‘I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like everything is the same but I don’t quite fit properly, if that makes sense? Part of me wants to be back at work and distracted, and then another part is terrified of showing my face outside. I feel trapped. I had these stupid fantasies that this operation would fix me. That I’d return to normal in some miraculous fucking transformation. But no. Instead I’m stuck like this and it breaks my heart.’

  As soon as the words were out of her mouth, Alice could feel the weight lifting ever so slightly from her shoulders.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Alice. I really, really am.’ Sarah’s voice cracked. ‘But I’m guessing that’s all part of the process, right? You’re adjusting. It’s going to take time. But whether you choose to go back to work or not is irrelevant right now. The most important thing is accepting that you can’t hide away in your flat for ever. Even if you just go and stand outside your building for five minutes every day, at least that’s something! You have to take it one step at a time, my love.’

  Resistance suddenly rose up inside her. Why couldn’t she stay hidden away all the time?

  Something had been jogged in her memory.

  Alfie.

  What were the words she’d said to him?

  You’re saying you’d rather I spend the rest of my life hiding? Hiding away from people, from new places, new experiences. Hiding behind these fucking hideous curtains? I want more, Alfie. I never thought I’d say it but I do.

  ‘Al, you still there or have you hung up on me again?’

  ‘No, sorry, I’m still here. I was just thinking about something.’

  ‘Let me guess … Alfie?’

  Alice could practically see the Cheshire cat smile creep on to Sarah’s face.

  ‘Have you spoken to him since he left hospital?’

  ‘No.’ Alice wanted to move off this subject as quickly as possible. ‘And I don’t want to.’

  ‘Well, you know what I think, don’t you?’

  ‘Go on …’ Alice was grateful she’d moved on but could sense the hint of mischief in her voice.

  ‘I think you should file for an insurance claim against your office building’s maintenance company, get a massive payout, and come and stay with me in Australia! Fuck staying in miserable London!’

  Alice laughed. ‘And then you build me a granny flat and I become a permanent third wheel?’

  ‘I’m serious! OK, maybe not about the granny flat, but I’ve been thinking about it. I even asked Raph and he said you’d have a good chance of winning a case.’

  Oh shit, she really was serious.

  ‘Thanks, but I can’t think about that right now. Maybe let’s prioritize me leaving my flat first? Small steps and all that.’

  ‘Fine. But if you want advice, Raph is more than happy to chat.’

  Alice knew that it wasn’t fine and that Sarah wouldn’t be letting this go any time soon.

  ‘OK, thank you. Anyway … fill me in on life in Oz. What’s new?’

  As Sarah launched into a full-blown day-by-day account of her life, Alice let her mind wander.

  She was finding it hard to slot back neatly into her life as it had been before the accident – maybe, just maybe, that wasn’t the answer.

  Maybe she did need to create a new life.

  A new life surrounded by the people who loved her.

  Alfie.

  Sarah’s words flashed in front of her eyes.

  He loves you. You know he does.

  Alice hated how every time she thought of him, any hope she held about meeting up with him would be extinguished by the cynicism. How could he have loved her without ever seeing her? That was the work of movies and fiction. Plus, even if he did, Alice was certain that love would disappear the moment he laid eyes on her. She needed to forget him. And if she wanted to move on and away to the other side of the world, she needed to forget him fast.

  67

  Alfie

  ‘Sweetheart, are you sure you’re doing OK? You haven’t come over in weeks and we can barely get hold of you on the phone.’

  This was exactly why Alfie had been avoiding her; it hurt too much to hear how deeply his mum cared. It also made the guilt one hundred times worse.

  ‘Sorry, I’m just so caught up with planning my return to work that I can’t seem to keep track of time.’

  No. The lying was why he avoided her. He hated lying to her.

  She paused. He could already sense the hesitation.

  ‘It’s just, we actually got a phone call from your headteacher … Mr Wilson.’

  His mind frantically tried to search for excuses and cover-ups, but every time he hit a blank.

  ‘You know it’s OK if something’s happened. You can tell me. You don’t have to pretend to be OK if you’re not.’

  His mind flashed back to Alice. How many times had he told her the very same thing? How many times had he tried to persuade her that being upset didn’t make you weak, or small or feeble? And yet here he was doing the exact opposite.

  ‘Alfie, say something, please. You’re scaring me.’

  He knew the game was up. He didn’t want to put his mum through any more pain – she’d had a life too full of that already – but there was no hiding from it now.

  ‘Mum, I think I need help.’

  As much as hearing the words out loud made h
im want to crawl into a hole and cry, the moment they were out of his mouth he couldn’t ignore the sense of relief that washed over him.

  ‘Oh, Alfie, can I come over?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ There was an urgency in his voice that surprised even him.

  ‘Give me twenty minutes.’

  And there she was, twenty minutes later, armed with chocolate biscuits and hot coffee. He had to hand it to her: this woman knew how to handle a crisis.

  ‘Come in. It’s, erm, it’s a bit of a mess.’ Alfie knew there was no need for the prior warning; one look at the state of him was enough. The reason he hadn’t asked for help was that by now, everything had gone too far. He’d left the dishes to pile too high, the clothes to get too dirty, his world to get too messy. How could he bear to let anyone see this?

  The shame increased with every step they took inside the flat, but not once did his mum make a comment. Not when she saw him for the first time, unwashed and unkempt. Not even when she had to pick her way through the piles of empty takeaway boxes and dirty underwear. Jane Mack kept her eyes up and a smile on her face.

  ‘Right.’ She stood in the middle of the living room, finally able to survey the full extent of the chaos. ‘Frankly, Alfie, you look awful. How about you take a shower and get to bed while I sort things out in here?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, I can’t let you do that.’

  ‘You don’t have a choice. There’s no way you can help anyone smelling like that.’ She smiled and pulled him into her arms.

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  ‘Go and rest. I’ll be here waiting when you’re ready.’

  Alfie dragged himself into his bathroom. He’d been wearing the same outfit for so long he practically had to peel the clothes off. Just as he was about to step into the shower, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. How long had it been since he’d properly looked at himself? It was a sobering moment, to say the least. Standing in front of him was a man he didn’t recognize. His hair was long and greasy. His skin was dry and almost grey. Where had the life gone? Where had his sparkle gone? It was as though he was staring at a drawing of himself, familiar but flat, and slightly off somehow.

  Imagine if Alice turned up now! What the hell would she think of me?

  He shook the thoughts from his head and stepped under the hot, welcoming water.

  One long shower and a two-hour nap later, both Alfie and the flat had been transformed.

  ‘Alfie, honey, wake up. I’ve got some food on the table.’

  Of course she did. Not only had his mum cleaned the entire flat and put two loads of washing on, but she’d also managed to make lasagne from a fridge full of nothing.

  ‘Mum, what have you done?’

  ‘A thank you will do. Now sit down, shut up, and eat some real food for once. If I even smell another chow mein, I might vomit.’ She ruffled his now clean hair and forced a pile of steaming tomatoey goodness in front of him.

  The moment the food hit his stomach, he felt a wave of comfort radiate through him.

  ‘Did you think you’d still be looking after me after all this time?’

  ‘I knew I’d signed up for life the moment I had you.’

  There was no resentment in her eyes, just pure undying love. Alfie couldn’t stand to look at it for too long; he knew the guilt was waiting to strike.

  ‘Honestly, thank you.’ He knew the words weren’t enough, but it was the only thing he had to offer her. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’

  ‘You’ll make it up to me by telling me what’s going on. As soon as you’re done eating, you’re going to sit with me and explain everything. No more excuses. I need you to help me understand, OK?’

  ‘OK.’

  It was finally time to start facing his problems.

  ‘Good. Now, have another helping, you look famished.’

  68

  Alice

  On day ten she left the flat.

  It may have been in the dead of night, but still she’d done it.

  One of the downsides of staying cooped up inside the flat for days at a time was that sleep became elusive. Her body clock was out of sync and she had become so used to inactivity that, by the time the sun clocked off its shift and bedtime called, Alice could do nothing but lie wide awake. For hours she would count sheep, watching the minutes crawl by on the clock. No matter how hard she prayed for sleep to come and take her, it always remained hidden and just out of reach.

  In her old life Alice practically thrived on no sleep. She needed four hours maximum to be able to function at her peak, and sometimes, with the help of an extra espresso, she could manage on less than three. But then again, the old Alice was full of life. There was so much to do and so many things to achieve that when her head finally hit the pillow at the end of each day, she would instantly black out. Now she was just a shell of existence. Stuck in a constant haze of sleep-deprived lethargy, it seemed the only activity she got was listening to the racing thoughts churning through her mind.

  Go outside.

  No.

  Yes.

  It’s pitch black.

  Exactly! It’s perfect.

  I can’t go outside now.

  Why not?

  It’s dangerous.

  Is slowly rotting away alone in your flat any less dangerous?

  Why wasn’t there a way to mute your own thoughts? Surely someone had invented an off switch for the brain by now?

  Go on. Just for five minutes.

  Try it.

  This isn’t living, Alice. This is a slow death.

  Perhaps it was sleep deprivation or insanity; whatever it was, before she knew it she was standing at her front door with her coat thrown over her pyjamas.

  If you’re going to do it, just do it.

  Her hand reached for the door handle. Her head felt dizzy with adrenaline, and every last drop of moisture had evaporated from her mouth.

  ‘Fuck it.’

  And for the first time in ten days, Alice stepped outside her flat. The lights in the hallway flashed on and the brightness burnt her eyes.

  Good God, what the hell was she doing?

  You’re here now – just go!

  She ran to the lift in panic, jabbing the call button relentlessly. The moment the doors opened she threw herself in; she was like a woman possessed. As the lift jolted into life, Alice closed her eyes tightly.

  Breathe.

  All you need to do is breathe.

  Was it always this slow? Claustrophobia began to set in. She squeezed her palms tightly, fingernails digging into her skin.

  As soon as the lift opened again, Alice hurled herself out and through the front doors.

  The cold air hit her immediately, its chill catching in her chest and stealing the breath from her lungs. She gasped, gulping thirstily for more. She stared upwards at the sky, the stars thrown haphazardly across the velvet backdrop casting their pins of light on to her. The wind whipped through her hair and grazed her bare flesh. She closed her eyes and simply stood with her arms out wide, head thrown upwards, begging for the breeze to lift her up and carry her away.

  ‘You OK, Miss?’

  Alice’s heart dropped. She snapped her eyes open and frantically tried to search out who’d spoken.

  ‘Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.’

  As her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she clocked the outline of a person walking towards her.

  ‘I don’t mean any harm. I just want to check you’re OK?’

  She stumbled backwards, further into the shadows.

  ‘I’m fine,’ she croaked, sounding anything but fine. ‘I just needed some air.’

  ‘You and me both. Thankfully I’ve got Bruno here as an excuse to get outdoors.’

  The cold wet nose of a dog sniffled at her feet.

  ‘Holy shit!’

  ‘You’re not scared of dogs, are you? Sorry, it’s hard to see where he’s gone at night. Bruno, come back here, you bloody idiot.’

  If she weren�
�t so petrified of being seen, Alice would be laughing at the absurdity of this situation. Her heightened senses from the ward kicked back in as she tried to paint a picture of this man from his voice. He was old, definitely. Frail but with a deep resistance to admitting it. There was a fire in him that Alice could feel burning through the cold night.

  ‘I’m Fred, by the way. I live just over there on the new estate. Bruno’s getting on a bit now, but every time I can’t sleep, I like to come out and give him a quick walk. Good for clearing the head, you know. How come you’re out so late?’

  How come she always attracted the talkers?

  ‘Couldn’t sleep,’ she murmured.

  ‘Ever since my wife passed I’ve barely managed to get a solid hour a night. God bless her. Married for over fifty years and then, just like that, she’s gone.’

  Alice’s mind instantly went to Mr Peterson and Agnes. Her heart strained in her chest at the thought of them.

  ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ She really was.

  ‘Thank you. On the whole it’s fine – Bruno and I make a good pair – but I suppose I get a bit lonely, you know?’

  She did know. More than she’d care to admit.

  ‘So now, what’s the real reason a young lady like yourself is standing outside in the middle of the night?’

  Alice wasn’t entirely sure what made her do it. Could fresh air make you delirious? Perhaps the rush of oxygen to her brain was causing reckless abandon, or maybe the night had numbed her fear temporarily.

  ‘I was in an accident a couple of months ago. I got discharged from hospital nearly two weeks ago and tonight is the first time I’ve left home. Think I was at risk of going stir crazy holed up in my flat.’

  ‘Can I ask what happened?’

  He hadn’t moved from his spot, and she was grateful for the distance that remained between them.

  ‘There was a fire in my office building and I got caught in it. Badly.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear any of this, you don’t even know me!’ She desperately looked round for the quickest way back inside.