Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Sorry, I was expecting someone else,’ he apologized, feeling a little embarrassed for shouting at this stranger. He wrestled with the lock and pulled back the door.

  The first thing he saw was her auburn hair.

  The second thing was her hand.

  72

  Alice

  Before she even had time to think, the door opened.

  And just like that, there he was. A mass of dark curly hair, broad shoulders and dangerously chiselled cheekbones.

  It was Alfie Mack.

  In the flesh.

  She’d pictured his face a thousand times before, but seeing him in front of her was beyond anything she could have ever imagined. Affection surged through her; her skin tingled with an energy she’d never felt before. Her whole body radiated heat. Feelings were bubbling up from somewhere deep down, a rush of longing and desire and fear and anxiety filling her heart. This was what she’d read about in books but brushed off as fiction. This was what she’d watched in films and laughed at as fantasy. This was it. This was how it felt. A lifetime of emotions hitting her in one single moment.

  Alice tried to smile but her face felt frozen; all she could do was stare blankly at him.

  His eyes narrowed just a bit. Those curious mismatched eyes he’d so often talked about. The eyes she’d tried to imagine so many times, on so many different faces.

  Was it recognition she could sense? Confusion? Or was it downright disgust?

  The thoughts crowded her mind, filling it with chatter. She couldn’t catch hold of one before it was pushed out by another. She felt sick. Her breath seemed to be stuck somewhere in the middle of her chest. Her head felt dizzy, her body suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea.

  Alice took a slight step back.

  Why had she come here? Really, what had she been expecting? She’d told herself over and over that this was a stupid idea. She’d got on and off the bus four times, turned back at the end of his road twice, and very nearly ordered an Uber home. But now she was standing here, the reality felt much worse.

  She had to go.

  Why weren’t her legs moving?

  This was all too much; the silence was suffocating.

  She forced herself to take another step back but was unable to tear her eyes away from him. She wanted to drink as much of him in as possible. This would be the first and last time she ever got to see him, and she wanted to imprint it on to her mind.

  His body shifted forward a fraction.

  Turn and go.

  Don’t even look back, Alice.

  Just leave!

  As she finally turned to run, she felt something grab her.

  His hand had found hers. The hand she’d held so many times before.

  God, how she’d missed his touch.

  She felt her body turn back instinctively to face him again.

  ‘Wait.’

  God, how she’d missed that sound.

  The sound of him.

  She tried to pull her hand away but he only held it tighter and squeezed. This was what home felt like, all along.

  ‘Alice?’ He raised an eyebrow and flashed her a wicked smile. ‘What the hell took you so long?’

  Epilogue

  Alfie

  Five years later

  ‘Mr Mack! But what happens wh—’

  ‘Kaleb. Remember, we don’t shout out over each other. If we want to say something, we have to raise our hand,’ Alfie reminded him gently.

  ‘Sorry, sir.’ Kaleb’s eyes flashed in panic at the realization that he’d once again spoken without his hand up, which subsequently flew high up in the air, arm straight as an arrow.

  The little boy looked as though he was about to explode at any moment if he wasn’t relieved of the burning question that he was holding between his puffed-out cheeks. Alfie managed to stifle a laugh. ‘Yes, Kaleb. What would you like to ask?’

  ‘What happens if people do say mean things to you. Don’t you get upset?’ Kaleb’s voice faltered and his gaze dropped to his lap.

  Even though Alfie had been running these after-school sessions for nearly a year now, they never got any easier. Talking about his experiences didn’t bother him much these days. He’d had enough practice in reliving every stomach-wrenching, heart-breaking moment of his life in his therapy sessions with Linda. So speaking about his mental health to school children was a dream in comparison to that. No. What got him the most, what kept him awake at night, was knowing just how many children were suffering in silence. He could recognize the signs immediately. The way they asked certain questions, the glances around the room to check they weren’t going to be laughed at, or dragged round the back of the school later and beaten because they’d dared to voice an opinion. Sometimes all Alfie had to do was look into their eyes and he’d see the pain – the humiliation swimming behind the glazed-over stares. But no matter how difficult and uncomfortable he found running the discussion groups, he had never felt prouder of anything in his life.

  ‘Well.’ Alfie straightened up and looked directly into Kaleb’s anxious face. ‘When people say mean things to me, the first thing I do is take a deep breath. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just take a moment to sit with how those words made me feel. Then I name those feelings: maybe it’s anger, or sadness or shame. Sometimes that’s enough for them to disappear. Other times, if they are very strong, I’ll take myself away from the situation and write down what happened. Everything. My thoughts, what I was wearing, what the other person was wearing, how I felt, what I wanted to say. I get it all out of my head and on to the paper. Then I usually tell someone I love what happened and we talk about it. Do you have someone you can talk to, Kaleb?’

  The little boy’s face lit up instantly. ‘My big brother. I can tell him anything. He’s my best friend.’

  Alfie’s insides melted and his heart surged in gratitude. ‘Good. Then remember, if you ever find yourself in those situations, you can always talk to your brother. You’re never alone, OK?’ He tore his eyes away from Kaleb and surveyed the entire room. ‘And … even if you don’t have an older brother, or sister, or someone you can talk to in your family, you always have me. Always.’ The sea of worried little faces nodded in unison, and Alfie prayed that they believed him.

  A pale hand shot up into the air. ‘Yes, Mandy?’ Alfie asked.

  ‘Who do you talk to, sir?’

  Alfie’s face broke into a wide grin. Even after five years, the very thought of her sent electricity through his body.

  ‘Most of the time, I talk to my wife, Alice.’

  Hushed excitement rolled over the children in waves. ‘Can we meet her, sir?’ Mandy chirped.

  ‘Maybe one day. She’s a very busy woman, but I’m sure she’d love to meet you all.’

  ‘What does she do, sir?’ another shrill voice called out.

  ‘Actually, she runs her own business. She’s the clever one out of the two of us.’ He smiled. ‘But don’t tell her I said that! Anyway, are there any more questions, or are we good to finish for the day?’

  Another small hand reached into the air.

  ‘Yes, Annie?’

  ‘Is she pretty, sir?’

  Alfie couldn’t hold back his laugh this time. ‘Any questions not about my wife?’

  *

  The moment the last set of feet had filed out of the classroom, Alfie reached for his phone. He’d made a promise to himself that he would finish on time today. He couldn’t bear to spend a minute longer than needed with his phone on silent.

  ‘Shit,’ he cursed, seeing the time.

  How was it already 4.45? The session had overrun, as it always did. He was trying not to worry, or to let his constant anxiety bubble to the surface and reveal itself to Alice, but he was struggling. The closer they got to the date, the stronger the nerves grew, and the more frustrated she became with him. She’d practically had to hurl him out of the door this morning, for fear he’d voluntarily take a day off sick to be with her. If there was one thing Alfie knew about h
is wife, it was that she was perfectly capable of handling almost anything by herself. It didn’t stop him fretting, though.

  Alfie’s heart lurched when he saw his screen flash.

  Message from Mum 30 May 15.45

  Alfie, call me when you can. Don’t panic, but you just need to get to the hospital as soon as you can. Love you x

  His heart was already trying to force its way out of his chest. He knew he should have stayed home. He could tell she was feeling off, even under the persistent smiles and reassurances. Shaking, he dialed his mum’s number and hurtled out of the room.

  ‘Mum. What’s happening?’ he shouted the second she picked up. He tore down the corridor, nodding frantically at teachers and students as he passed.

  ‘Jesus! At last! Thank goodness I took my phone with me to the café today, otherwise who knows what would have happened,’ his mum babbled on. Alfie tried to keep his cool, but he could feel the pressure mounting in his head.

  ‘Is she OK? Tell me she’s OK?’

  ‘Oh, she’s fine. Nothing to worry about. They just had to bring her in sooner than expected.’ Alfie appreciated how calm his mum was being, but even he could sense the apprehension in her voice. ‘How quickly can you get here?’

  ‘I’m on my way. I won’t be long.’ He didn’t even wait for a goodbye before hanging up and rushing out of the door.

  She’ll be fine.

  She’s in the best possible hands.

  Breathe, Alfie. Just breathe.

  Thoughts were racing through his mind and he knew if he was ever going to be able to drive, he needed to calm down. As he flung himself into his car, he rested his hands on the steering wheel and closed his eyes. What was it Linda had taught him to do in these moments? Breathe in for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Hold for four. He managed two rounds before the adrenaline coursed through his veins once more and he knew there was no more time to waste. He had to get to Alice.

  *

  Unfortunately, the early-evening traffic rush had other ideas. The usual twenty-minute journey ended up taking just over an hour. The entire time, Alfie had to force himself to remain in the car and not abandon all rationale and attempt to run there. Thankfully, the moment he arrived, he knew exactly where to go. Sometimes he wondered whether he would ever be able to forget the layout of the hospital that had once been his home. They had chosen St Francis’s not only because it was the closest to them, but because they both knew deep down that they wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere else.

  As he hurried through the foyer, sweat poured from every inch of him and his leg with the prosthesis was starting to ache. But he didn’t stop. Not even to apologize to the people he banged into as he unceremoniously pushed his way through the crowded reception and along the corridors. His phone continued to vibrate in his pocket, but there was no time to answer. He needed to see her. He needed to make sure she was OK.

  ‘Excuse me, sir, are you all right?’ a nurse called out after him.

  ‘Yes, sorry, just need to find my wife,’ he shouted back, not even bothering to turn his head to look at her. Then he saw it. The sign above the door at the end of the corridor. He’d made it. But what would he find on the other side?

  Don’t think like that, Alfie.

  That doesn’t help anyone.

  He slowed to a brisk walk, desperately trying to catch his breath. Forcing mouthfuls of oxygen down his throat and into his lungs. He needed to at least look in control. He placed his hand gently on the double door and pushed.

  ‘Alfie!’ His mum ran over to him, pulling him into a fierce embrace. Squeezing all of the air out of him once again. ‘You made it! She’s in delivery suite three.’

  Alfie’s body sagged in relief, and he barely had time to form any words before his mother started leading him towards a room at the far end of the ward.

  ‘Alice, honey.’ She placed her hand on the door and knocked tentatively. ‘Alfie’s here!’

  ‘About fucking time,’ a familiar voice cried out. ‘Alfie Mack, get in here NOW!’

  ‘That’s my Alice.’ He smiled anxiously at his mum and stepped inside.

  The instant Alfie laid eyes on the tiny human being in Alice’s arms, his world shifted. It was as though every thought, worry or care before that very moment in time had been dissolved. Melted away and reduced to nothing. The only thing that mattered, the only thing he needed to think about, was that tiny bundle of life and the woman holding him.

  ‘Trust you to nearly miss the whole thing,’ Alice purred as she lay her head on Alfie’s shoulder.

  He kissed her auburn hair, still a little damp with effort, and breathed in the smell of her. ‘Well, trust you to deliver our baby ahead of schedule! Always the overachiever, aren’t you, Alice?’ She nudged him hard in the ribs. ‘Ouch!’

  ‘You think that hurts? Try going through labour, and then you’ll know pain.’ She looked up at him and grinned.

  ‘Ah.’ He nestled himself closer to her warm, full body. ‘Can’t argue with that. Although it was worth it, right? For this little guy.’ Alfie leant over and placed a tiny kiss on his son’s forehead. ‘Hello there, little Euan. Do you know you’re named after some of the greatest men who ever lived?’ He cooed softly. ‘Euan Arthur Stephen Mack. You’re going to make them all so proud.’ He felt a wave of grief lap at his heart. ‘And you have your daddy’s beautiful eyes. God, you’re going to be a heartbreaker, aren’t you?’

  ‘Well, hopefully, you won’t have Daddy’s awful sense of humour,’ Alice whispered into the soft down of their son’s head.

  ‘Hey. It got me the girl in the end, didn’t it? As long as he doesn’t inherit your silver tongue, then I think we’ll be OK!’

  Alice’s brown eyes widened gleefully. ‘Oh, shush. You wouldn’t have me any other way.’

  Alfie looked at Alice cradling their tiny baby in her arms. His wife and his son. His entire world right there in front of him. Everything he’d lost had led him to everything he’d ever wanted. His heart grew so big in his chest that for a second, he forgot to breathe.

  ‘Alice Mack. I wouldn’t change this for the world.’

  Acknowledgements

  I fear this may end up being longer than most Oscar speeches, but it’s true what they say, this is not a work of one, it is a creation by many. And all of those many need special thanks!

  Firstly, to my three rocks: Mum, Dad and Katie. So much of me is because of you and so much of me is on these pages, so thank you. And to Rod and Cathy – thank you for showing me the true meaning of family.

  To the incredible team of people I have been lucky enough to work with – none of this could have happened without you! Special thanks go to Claire, Molly, Amelia, Victoria, Viv, Joal, Sara and all the teams at Transworld and Gallery. You have welcomed me in with open arms and it has been a dream come true to work with you.

  To Jenny Bent in the US, Bastian Schlueck and Kathrin Nehm in Germany, and everyone else involved in my foreign sales – thank you for enabling Alice and Alfie’s story to be shared across the world.

  I want to say a huge and heartfelt thank you to my UK editor Sally Williamson. Your calm patience and unwavering support throughout this journey have been incredible. You have given me the confidence and guidance to elevate my writing and this story to brand-new heights. What an honour it has been, and from the bottom of my heart – thank you for everything!

  Also to Kate Dresser, thank you for taking on the story of Alice and Alfie with such care. Your thoughts and perspective were instrumental in this creation and it has been an absolute pleasure to work with you.

  To Sarah Hornsley, a gift from the universe, a serendipitous crossing of paths, a blast from the past! Thank you for being the most incredible agent and organized human being I know. Your support and dedication are unrivalled – thank you for holding my hand as I navigated my way through this brand-new world. I am truly blessed to have you in my corner.

  To Dr Nagla Elfaki, Dr Tom Stonier and Dr Naomi Cairns, w
ho were, despite saving lives and working unbelievably long hours, always on hand for medical fact-checking and advice! I do have to say that creative licence was still taken with the book, but without their knowledge and support the authenticity and understanding of the characters’ journeys would not have been the same.

  And finally (last but not least!), to my incredible family and friends. You know who you are. Your love and excitement for this next chapter of my life has been overwhelming and I am forever grateful. Alfie and Alice are a reflection of so many parts of me, and without you they would never exist. I love you more than words can say.

  THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

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  First published in Great Britain in 2021 by Bantam Press

  Copyright © Emily Houghton 2021

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  Cover design and illustration by Beci Kelly/TW

  ISBN: 978-1-473-58125-8

  This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.