by Valia Lind
Jemma's death grip on my hand doesn't loosen as we step through the portal. My eyes find Brendan immediately, where he stands, sword drawn, just a few feet in front of entrance. He's body is rigid, ready to spring to action at any moment, but after a quick look around, I don't see any danger. We move to the side as Maxwell comes through as well, followed by William and the soldiers.
The courtyard looks much like what my memories have shown me. The trees that surround the open space are centuries old, looking down at us in quiet contemplation. Their wisdom and support twirls in the air around me, whispering to my majyks. I shift foot to foot, uncomfortable at their scrutiny. It's as if they can see inside of me and the battle that constantly rages within. I want to be able to stand against the quiet judgments, to stand up for the person that I strive to be. But how can I do so when I don't even know which part of me is real anymore?
A slight pressure on my hand pulls my attention back to the present and I find comfort in Jemma's small reassurance. My body is shaking just enough that she can feel the fear in me. If the boys haven't noticed yet, they will. So I take a deep breath and try to remember that no matter what comes my way, I will be able to handle it.
"My Lady, Her Majesty is anxious to see you," William's voice reaches me and I turn to see him standing by one of the arches leading into the palace. My insides scream for me to turn and run in the opposite direction, but that would be losing. And I don't lose. With a nod, I lead Jemma with me, with Brendan and Maxwell flanking us on both sides.
"It's going to be okay," I say to Jemma, but I'm mostly trying to reassure myself. I needed time to prepare. I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
I'm not ready.
A feather of a touch jerks my attention away from my inner turmoil. My panic subsides as swiftly as it began, the tingle from Brendan's brief brush of skin on my hand sending my whole body to blazing hot. My breathing hitches for a whole slew of different reasons and it takes much of my self-control not to reach out and hold on to him. But I know that's not what he would want anyway. He wants me to stand on my own two feet, to take charge and remember that I can handle anything. He's told me so a hundred times and I still doubt every step I take.
I glance over at him, memorizing his strong profile, his quiet faith in me. Jemma's hand holds firmly to mine, with Maxwell on the other side of her. I can't fail them. I have to keep my cool and I have to keep my secret. At least for now.
We come to a set of doors, beautiful depictions of our history carved throughout the wood. Warriors, on top of horses in battle, the various stages of the mood, flowers more beautiful than the eye can imagine. The branches from the nearby trees weave into the story the doors are telling, from the beginning of wars to the times of peace. I've forgotten just how stunning my culture can be, how talented we are in various characteristics.
"Wow," Jemma breathes beside me and I smile. It really is something. But dread follows amazement as I remember what awaits for us on the other side. The doors open without a sound and the long room lays ahead of us. Some of the court is here, but not all. With my majykal sight I find the members of the council and my blood runs hot at their involvement in my predicament.
"Hold you head high, Jemma," I whisper, but I'm sure it doesn't escape anyone's notice. "Don't let them intimidate you." I say the words to her, but once again, I mean them for both of us. I don't meet Brendan or Maxwell's eyes. I don't look at William. I stand up straighter and walk through the double doors.
The grand room has always been...grand, but at the moment it feels as if the walk is taking forever. Queen Vasilisa sits on the throne, adorned in gold from head to toe. Her dress is of the finest silk, falling in layers around her, moving like waves in the ocean. She radiates light, because of the gold flecks painted onto her skin. The crown on top of her long dark hair gleams in the bright light. She's beautiful, in a way that hurts to look at. Many tales have been told about Vasilisa the Beautiful and Vasilisa the Wise. The woman in front of me embodies both of those reincarnations and that fact is not to be taken lightly.
Tzar Viktor sits at her left hand, dressed in a suit to match her attire. His crown is a tad smaller, his shine a bit duller. Vasilisa has always been the true ruler, but a tzar is a must in the fae culture. Now, he studies me with cool detachment, much like he always does. The rest of the court present is inquisitive. I can almost hear the unasked questions on their tongues. Stilling myself against the impact, I turn my eyes to the queen. The boys have already bowed and now it is my turn. I make myself drop into a curtsy, while my body screams in protest. The secrets about her true nature burn inside of me, ready to set the whole room aflame.
"Calista Afanasyev. It is good to see you are in one piece." Her voice reaches me as I straighten, that same cool tone I've heard a million times. Now, it grates on my insides like nails on a chalkboard. I feel Jemma stiffen under my hold and I realize I'm squeezing too tightly.
"Your Majesty," I begin, falling into the role I've been raised to play. "It is good to see you are well." I nod at the Tzar to include him in the statement and receive an affirmation back. "May I present Jemma, my confidant in the human realm. She has been most helpful."
"I have heard about your Jemma," the queen says, only sparing half a glance for my friend. "I know she has been more trouble than not. The foray into the Shadowlands should have been discussed with me first." She doesn't say it, but I know such a journey would not have been permitted.
"I apologize, Your Majesty," I hurry to say when I notice Brendan takes a step forward as if he's about to speak up. Throwing a quick glare his way, I tell him to stand down. I'm not about to let him take a fall for my decision.
"Jemma was in immediate danger and could not be left alone with the Glava."
"They used your...friendship with the human to get you into their borders. It was unwise to go. And unnecessary."
"With all due respect, Your Majesty, it was important to me. You were the one to teach me to never leave a comrade behind. I couldn't start now."
My tone doesn't betray the battle of emotions going on within me. Jemma stand up a little taller beside me, her gaze directly on the queen. This could go in so many directions and many of them do not have a good ending. Vasilisa's eyes flash, and I know she understands what I'm doing. I'm using her own words to back up my argument. She can't dare go against it in front of all the witnesses present.
"You are a good solider, Calista," the queen finally speaks up, narrowing her eyes at me. But I don't miss the way she says soldier. She's putting me in my place and a year ago, I would've begged for her forgiveness. Even more so, I would've never gone against her wishes.
"We will celebrate your return with a Royal Dinner tomorrow night. All four of you are granted permission to attend. For now, you are to retire to your rooms. See that you are follow the instructions." We've been dismissed, and that last part is spoken directly to me. But I'm not done yet and even though I shouldn’t, I speak up.
"If I may, Your Majesty, where are my parents?" My question silences the murmurs floating around us. Brendan and Maxwell stiffen under my words, knowing full well I shouldn't have asked. She watches me coolly for a long minute, before finally replying.
"They are doing their duty at the two front lines."
I want to ask more, but she's done with me. The rebellious part of me wants to speak up again, but it's not only me on the line here. Glancing over at my companion, I give them a small nod.
"Thank you, Your Majesty," we say in unison, before turning on our heels and heading for the door. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't the cool assessment and no questions. I meet William's eyes from where he stands among the court attendees and what I find there makes me pause. He looks almost...nervous.
"That was strange, right?" Maxwell asks as soon as we're out the doors and in the long hallways.
"Very strange," Brendan replies, his eyes intently on me. I meet his stare unwavering, but he doesn't back down.
"You were antagonistic toward her." It's not a question, but I feel inclined to reply anyway.
"She was antagonistic toward me. And Jemma."
"Cal—“
"Don't give me that," I say, turning on him. "You don't understand."
"Then explain it to me," he reaches over, barely grazing my hand before pulling back. "It's about time you did."
It's funny that I would've ever thought I can keep anything from him. We stare at each other, the only two people left in the world, as if nothing else matters. It's the feeling I get whenever I'm around him and I wonder if that means not everything inside of me is dead. Or evil. But I know that no matter what I may feel, it can never go beyond that. So I'm the first one to look away, as usual.
"You can't keep running from this," Brendan says and I realize Maxwell and Jemma have left us. They're down the hall, trying not to look in our direction, but I'm sure all the confusion is written all over my face.
"I asked you to trust me. Repeatedly. It’s like a broken record now."
"And trust goes both ways."
"Brendan." I'm waiting for him to drop it, to take a step back like he usually does, but my demeanor in front of the queen must have pushed him farther than I thought. He's not backing down.
"I can't help you if I don't know what's going on."
"You wouldn't want to help me if you knew what was going on." I don't mean to say that, but the words are out before I can stop them. Just like that, his suspicions are confirmed and I can see the stiffness in his shoulders at the revelation.
"I will always stand by your side, zaichik."
I close my eyes against his words and the term of endearment. The pang in my chest expands, making it difficult to take a full breath. The place where my heart should be grows warmer, as if the Orb and the majyk outside of me are answering to the emotions radiating off him like sound waves. I reach out, placing my hand on his arm, the shock of skin to skin contact rushing over me. Like it does every time. I don’t think my body will ever not respond to him physically.
"Just give me some time, Brendan. I'll figure it out and you will be the first person I come to."
He watches me for a long moment, as if afraid to move and shatter the small contact between us. But eventually, the noise of the court reaches our ears and it's his turn to take a step back.
"Don't wait too long. The Queen will not be kind again"
Even without saying the words, I feel like he understands. Whatever is going on, it has to do with the Royal Ones. And while I'm holding on, the inevitable is coming and I will lose Brendan if I'm not careful. But before we can say anything else, a shout sounds from my left and then I am swallowed by a hug.
14
“Cali!" A beautiful ebony girl picks me right off the ground in a crushing hug. "We've been so worried! Not that we didn't believe you could handle yourself, but going silent for that long was playing on our emotions." She sets me back down to the ground, before taking a step back and looking me over. "You hair got crazy purple while you've been gone. I love it."
Her smile is contagious and I can't help but return it. "Devra," I whisper the name, the memories of her a welcomed reminder. She's one of the closest friends I've had since childhood, the daughter of one of the other members of the circle. Devra grins, her beautiful skin shining in the low light. She's always carried a sense of beauty about her, even when covered in blood and dirt. We grew up in the same trenches and her quiet guidance and wisdom have always been a light to me. She doesn't say anything else, just steps aside as the other two of my closest friends come around the corner.
Ruslan sweeps me off my feet, hugging me against him tightly. He's built like an ox, probably one of the biggest soldiers I've ever met. And while some may use the cliché of him being a big bear, I know he's got a dark and ruthless side. Probably why we're so close.
"There she is," his voice rumbles from deep within his chest and against my skin.
"Don't tell me, Rus. You've missed me."
"Of course he missed you, but he won't admit it out loud," Svetlana pushes his arms off me as he lowers me to the ground, before grabbing me herself. "I, on the other hand, can say it, but I can also say that I hate you for disappearing and you could've come to us."
I glance over at Devra and realize that they all feel the same way. I can't exactly answer for my actions without giving them the whole story and now is not the time. So I say the only thing I can and mean it.
"I'm sorry."
Lana's face loses the scowl, as she reaches over to punch me in the upper arm. I rub the spot, throwing a glare her way.
"Just don't do it again," she says, before turning and launching herself into Maxwell's arms. The other catches her easily, while Rus and Brendan exchange a handshake. Devra has never been the touchy feely one, but she squeezes Brendan's shoulder, before giving Maxwell a side hug. Then, as one, they turn to Jemma. She's been standing behind me, quiet as a mouse and now that I look at her, I see the uncertainty in her gaze. I move toward her, but Maxwell is already there, presenting her to the group.
"Everyone meet Jemma. Jemma, I apologize for this lot already, but that's Devra, Lana, and Rus. They look way more intimidating than they are."
I hold my breath as I wait to see how they're going to react to her and when Rus takes a step forward, my chest feels lighter.
"You only wish," Rus comments, chuckling, before extending his hand to Jemma. "It's nice to meet you."
"You too."
Jemma's hand gets swallowed by Rus' and I can tell she's out of her element, but her smile is genuine. Devra and Lana shake her hand as well. I don't miss the way Devra studies her, or the way Lana assesses all four of us. Both of the girls will have questions for me. But I guess I'm just piling on lists at this point.
"We heard you are to stay in your quarters tonight, but we can meet before the royal dinner tomorrow," Devra says, her contemplative eyes back on me. I force a smile, and take a step toward Jemma.
"We'll meet you in the hall," I say, making my meaning clear. Devra nods, falling right back into her position as my third. She would be in command if I didn't come from the House of Afanasyev. But she's always respected my position and even though I'm doubting everything right now, I don't doubt my friend's loyalty.
Devra and Lana disappear first, followed by Brendan, Maxwell and Rus. Brendan throws one last long look my way, before turning the corner. He hasn't said a word during the exchange, but I know he's just as happy to be back with them as I would be. I also know that he's worried and I can't blame him.
"They're a handful, I know," I turn to Jemma, "But they like you. That much I can tell."
"They're strong."
"They're warriors."
The statement speaks for itself, and I turn to head towards my room, expecting Jemma to follow.
"It's difficult to compare." She says it so quietly that I would've missed it, was it not for my majykal hearing. Spinning around, I march back to her, stopping right in front of her so she has no choice but to look up at me.
"You don't have to fear this. These people, they're my family, yes. But you are my family as well, by choice. When I didn't know who I was, when I didn't even know who to be, you took me in. You have stood by me no matter what and that's not going to change."
"I know you believe that now, but Cali, you’re not of my world and I'm not of yours." Jemma whispers, her eyes shining with unshed tears. "The day is coming when I'll be sent back and then, I won't ever see you or...anyone again. You're not the only one who was looking for something when we met."
And I understand that. In the last few weeks, our friendship has grown even more than I could've imagined and I can't choose a world where Jemma is not part of it. It would be like giving up my parents. Yet, right now, I focus on the pause in her words, the emotion behind her voice. It's not only me she's going to miss.
"You care about him, don't you?" I
ask, because I can see myself mirrored in her so well. It doesn't matter that we’re different, a forbidden love transcends majyk or humanity. Jemma looks at me and she doesn't have to ask who I'm talking about. She smiles a sad smile and I reach out to wrap her in my arms. She hugs me back just as hard, and I feel her body shake from the emotion she's trying to hold back.
I want to find the words to comfort her, but I can't deny the truth. She'll have to give up Maxwell, just like I've had to give up Brendan. She's here because she's under my protection, but that can't last forever. Sooner or later, my secret will come out and with it, my banishment. Jemma will be left unprotected and I cannot allow that.
Pulling back, she wipes her face, before linking her arm through my elbow. She didn't ask for any of this, and now I'll be responsible for one more life being ruined.
"Come on, someone mentioned something about a royal dinner. Does that mean we're going to dress up?"
I smile at Jemma's question and pull her toward my room.
I have no problem finding my old room. It's as if my mind remembers it on automatic. I'm surprised Brendan and Maxwell didn't insist on escorting us, but maybe they understand how much I need this. To feel like I know what I'm doing.
The warrior families have always had two residences. One at the royal palace, and one that is the family estate. Papa had a lot of land, but remained at the palace for most of the time for convenience. I explain all this to Jemma, as she takes in the vast room in front of her.
The walls are covered in abstract wallpaper, the colors changing from purple to blue to green, depending on where in the room you're standing. The large poster bed sits near the long window, with a vanity table on the opposite side. The room is probably half of our whole dorm back at college, and the thought makes me pause, as a sliver of sadness awakened. I will never have that normal human experience anymore.
"How come you can remember all these, but still missing key points from your life?" Jemma's voice breaks me out of my wishful thinking. I focus on her, where she's now standing by the window, looking out. Walking over, I stop on the other side, following her gaze to the courtyard that's visible, and the number of soldiers training. I remember being out there all the time, running drills with Brendan, sparring with Devra, being teased by Maxwell.
