by Valia Lind
"I am talking to you."
"No, you're issuing orders and we can't do that. We can't leave things unsaid, not anymore. What happened—"
"We both know shouldn't have happened," I interrupt, waving a hand in his direction as I take another few steps away from him. He'll fight for me if I let him and I can't allow it. The Royal Ones will not be swayed by feelings and until I've taken them down, there will be no changing the rules. Brendan will never forgive me for that mutiny and he will not forgive me for keeping secrets from him. He won’t forgive me for the deaths that are mine to orchestrated and execute.
"It should've happened a long time ago. Cal, you know I've always..."
"Stop, just stop!" I snap, because I know the moment he says the words, I'll be helpless. And I have promised myself to never be helpless again.
"No!" it's his turn to raise his voice, stepping up into my personal space. "You always make all the rules, and as a commander, I have never questioned your leadership. But relationships, those take two people and we both have a say in this."
"Brendan, I can't. We can't." It's too much, the weight of his emotions is wrapping around me like a cloak. I can almost hear the words he hasn't said yet and he's so close. He's too close.
"Why can't we do this one thing for ourselves?" his voice drops low and he closes more of the space between us. "Why can't we, for once, be selfish? Can what we have really be so wrong?"
"Brendan," suddenly the tears are choking me from inside out and when he reaches for my hands, I have no strength left in me to pull away. "You don't know everything there is to know about me. You don't know who I am."
"I've always known who you are. Even when you’ve forgotten it yourself.”
I meet his eyes, his face blurred by my tears and the words are on the tip of my tongue. I want to tell him the truth. I want him to share this burden with me. Because maybe, just maybe, he'll help me carry it. But before I can find the courage, the air around us shimmers. Someone found us.
17
The shouting reaches our ears before I can register what's going on. Peeking around the trees, I spy an open doorway, just fifteen feet outside the woods. Brendan leans in and it's a distraction of the cruelest kind. All of my training on self-control goes into this moment and the part where I don't reach for him again.
"We should make a break for it," Brendan whispers, his words ruffling the hair by my cheek. My body shudders at the sensation and I'm sure he notices.
"Without knowing where it leads?"
"I don't think we have a choice at this point."
He's right, of course. We can't stay in the In Between. Who knows how long we’ve been here already. It may be hours here but it could be weeks out there. Whatever majyk is keeping us here isn’t parlor tricks either. Whatever is going on outside this place, it may be worse than we can image. We have to get back and at least try to right the wrongs.
"Look," More soldiers pour into the opening and I wish I could see where it leads. I'm not exactly too keen on putting Brendan in more danger than he already is. But he's right. We can't stay here.
"Can we try our majyk, before we succumb to using an untested portal?" I whisper over my shoulder. The kiss has scrambled all of my senses and I am actively trying not to let it show. We made a mistake. A sweet mistake that I will cherish for the rest of my days.
"Let's try it then," Brendan replies, and I feel him moving away. After another glance at the portal, I follow him deeper into the woods. He stands up fully when we're far enough away, turning to me. When a few seconds pass and he still hasn't moved, I begin to fidget.
"What?"
"Sorry," he blinks, shaking his head. "I can't get over your hair. It's mesmerizing."
I'm sure I'm blushing, so I duck my head, letting the hair fall like a curtain of protection. If I was to describe myself right now, I would never say mesmerizing. My beautiful green dress is in tatters, my body is marred by blood and guts. But Brendan has always looked past all that. I just hope he isn't looking too deeply now, because my dark majyk is restless.
"In Between doesn't just allow portals," Brendan comments with difficulty and a part of me is happy he's having just as hard of a time as I am. Not that it changes anything. Or helps in any way. I think it may actually have the opposite effect. I realize he's watching me, waiting for me to say something and I make myself concentrate.
"We were able to use one before."
"It was already opened. Or it has been opened in the past, so the rift was already there." He studies me quizzically and I realize he expects me to already have this information. And I don't.
"I've got nothing, Brendan," I say after a second, "I don't remember anything about the In Between."
He takes that at face value, even as the frustration rises inside of me. When will this stop? Will I even be completely whole again? I fear I will never have an answer to that question. Even more so each passing day.
"We can try combining our majyk to see if we can create a rift, but it takes a lot of power. I don't..."
"Brendan!" I interrupt him, placing a hand on his chest before I can stop myself. "What is the one thing I have that they all want?"
I see the moment realization hits him. "The Orb."
"A doorway between worlds," I finish. I'm so used to it inside of me, I forget about it. Especially as the dark majyk grows stronger and pushes the orb aside.
"Do you think you can access it? Like before?" He's hopeful and I'd hate to see that hope dashed if I tell him the truth. But maybe I can use both of the sides of my majyk to accomplish this. I'll have to at least try. It has grown quiet around us.
"Let me try."
Closing my eyes, I search for my center. The Orb's majyk answers, pulsing to life. The soft hum of it under my skin spreads, but before I can fully become aware of it, the other majyk rises up to meet it. Gasping, I stumble back and Brendan is there to catch me. His arms are around me as he holds me close, but I don't open my eyes. I concentrate on the warring sides of me, on the power I have stored and the power I possess through my heritage. An echo of something ancient rumbles through me and if Brendan wasn't holding on to me, I might've been swept away.
I concentrate on the Orb, on the need to open a door. But nothing happens.
"What good is it to have this power and have no control of it?" I grunt, opening my eyes to meet Brendan's concerned ones. My shoulder is to his back, his arms wrapped around my middle, as he holds me up. I turn my head just slightly, bringing us face to face, with only a breath between our lips.
"You may not have full control of it, but you have some. You have enough. Just follow your heart."
He makes it sound so easy. If he only knew where my heart actually was. But it's his quiet belief in me that makes me try again. His support, both physical and mental, pushes me to close my eyes again and concentrate.
Finding that center again, I look for a way to activate the power. When nothing seems to work, my mind shouts with the command. Just listen to me already!
It's as if a fire ignites within me, sending my body ablaze. Even behind my closed eyelids, I can feel the light pouring out, much like it did when I saved Brendan in that cave.
Open a way to the palace!
I use my inner voice to command and I know the moment the majyk obeys. The light dies down the same moment I feel the air shift. Opening my eyes, I see a door ten feet in front of us. Glancing at Brendan I find a proud smile on his face.
"You are a force," he says, and I smile in return. As he leaves my side to walk toward the door, I realize something. I still have no idea if I'm a force of good or a force of evil. Brendan looks through the door, checking to make sure I'm not sending us into a worse situation. He glances over at me, anticipating. Taking a step toward him, I stop, looking down at myself. My dress is pretty much ruined, but it's still too much. Grabbing a dagger, I slice the long pieces off in front, leaving my legs exposed and room for movement. I catch Brendan's eye as he tries to look away a
nd the way the tops of his ears turn pink makes me smile. The smile is quickly hidden away, because I have no right to be smiling at him.
"Let's do this," I say, reaching for my sword once more. Together we walk through the doorway.
The sight that greets us as we step through the doorway roots me to the spot. The flames rise up around the castle, panting the sky orange. What started as a small palace infiltration has turned into a full blown attack. The screams sound from all around us and I tear my gaze away just to see the rest of the carnage.
"Cal, we have to go," Brendan says, but it sounds like he's speaking through a wall. The buzzing starts up at the back of my mind, before it drowns me in the noise. Did I do this? Is this my fault?
Every single decision of the past few months slams into me like a ton of bricks. Every secret I kept, every question I left unanswered, every memory I don't possess. Did I bring my realm to ruin by not being who I'm meant to be?
"Calista!"
Brendan comes into focus as I blink my eyes. His hands are on my upper arms, holding me up or together, I'm not exactly sure anymore.
"I'm sorry."
"This is NOT your fault!" he practically shouts and I can see the frustration written all over his face. He doesn't understand and maybe I don't either. Maybe I'm making this what it's not, but I can't keep holding this all in. The despair and anger dance together inside of me, weaving in and out of my majyk and I can't stop it. Not anymore.
"I'm EVIL!" I scream at Brendan, tearing myself out of his hold. "Dark majyk runs through my blood from the cruelest sorcerer, so don't tell me what is and isn't my fault! I pushed her into this, I pushed her into reacting because she knew I wasn't going to stand by and allow her to continue!"
"Cal, what are you talking about?"
He looks so lost I want to take it all back. But the secret burst from me before I can think too hard on it and now that it has, I'm glad.
"Koschei Besmertnii."
His face comes alive with recognition, before the confusion sets back in. Shaking his head, he takes a step forward, as I move back. He freezes, eyebrows drawn, a flicker of hurt in his eyes before he masks it. Just like that, the mask falls back in and he's once again a soldier.
"Explain."
I almost flinch at the harsh tone, but I don't allow him to see how much his pretense at the indifference affects me. I don't know what I was expecting, but I know I didn't want this. Not the wall that will now be a constant between us.
"Before my leaving for the human realm, something happened. The battle in the forest, when Glava was so close to getting the Orb in the first place, I...I killed a man. But I didn't just kill him, I absorbed his majyk."
"That's not possible."
"It is. It's what Vasilisa has been doing for years. That day, Cornelius found me in the forest and he told me the truth about myself. That I was the promised reincarnation of Koschei Besmertnii, that I had his majyk flowing thru me, and that was going to be the downfall of Skazka, if Vasilisa didn't destroy it first."
"How would she do that?"
I meet his eye again, before quickly looking away. The sound of battle is all around us, but I know we can't go any farther until he knows everything I know. The time for secrets has passed. Even if it damages us to a point of no return, I should’ve done this a long time ago. I've already broken his carefully crafted mindset, but it still pains me to do more.
"The Shadowlands weren't created by Glava. They were a direct by product of Vasilisa's actions. She steals majyk from the land and its people to farther her own power. She's been doing it for decades."
"She hasn't been in power for that long."
"She has been in power for longer than all of us have been alive."
"Cal," he pauses after the familiar nickname and my breath catches, wondering if it's a slip. But then he looks me straight in the eye and continues, "Cal, that's not possible. We would know."
With just my name, he has opened the floodgates. The tears I've been holding back pour down my cheeks, and this time, when I look at him, I'm not afraid to let him see me cry.
"Her majyk keeps her in power."
"Her mother was the queen when we were born."
"She was the queen when we were born. She's powerful enough to alter perception."
"Like memories?"
"Like how she's viewed. We remember her mother, but in reality, there never was."
He hasn't taken his eyes off me and I can see the battle behind his gaze. A part of him wants to rage against my words, while the other part wants to comfort me. The shadows and light from the fire play across his handsome features, and it takes all of me not to go to him. When he doesn't say anything, I continue, because if I don't get it all out now, I may never.
"Cornelius said Koschei was prophesied to rise when the Dark Ages returned. They have begun the moment she drained the majyk enough to create the Shadowlands."
"But how can you trust anything he has to say, Cali? I know he was your father's friend, but..."
"My father knew the truth, Brendan. He knew who I was the moment I was born. It's why he always raised me to have a choice. He tried to let me know I had one."
The sting of his absence radiates through me and what I wouldn't give to have my Papa here with me right now. He could answer all the questions I never knew to ask. The first order of service the moment we take care of our present situation will be to find him.
"Do you have a choice?" Brendan's softly spoken question brings me back to the here and now. I look at him, all kinds of emotion written on his face. He's at war in a way that no one ever should be. His trust in me makes him believe what I say, even if he doesn't want to. But it doesn't make it any easier. Maybe, it makes it more difficult.
"I don't know."
It's the truth and truth is all I will ever offer him from now on. I can't take back the hurt I've caused, but I can try to make up for it. I don't know what that says about me, but maybe it says that I'm not all bad.
"You're afraid." It's not a question, but I nod anyway. I knew he'd understand, even without me having to say it.
"His majyk...it's strong. Stronger than anything I could've ever imagined. It brings me to the edge, every time. And I don't know how long I can stay balanced there."
"You've used it before. It makes sense, as much as any of this does. You've been different at times and I...I don't know how I didn't see it."
"But you did," I can't stand it any longer, I take a step toward him and surprisingly, he doesn't back up. The urgency in me must reach him on some level, because he watches me without saying a word. "You've seen me lose it and you've seen me destroy creatures with a flick of my hand. You've questioned me repeatedly. I knew it was only a matter of time till you had all the puzzle pieces."
"It makes sense now. Some of your memories, like Kot-Bayun. Like Baba Yaga's house in the woods. Why certain things react different with you."
He freezes as the realization I've been afraid of finally reaches him. His eyes on me, horror written there plain as day, he says the words I've been dreading.
"It's why you've been able to place the Orb inside of you. You've replaced your heart."
Two hearts beat in sync,
The stars align,
The prophecy speaks,
The shadows arise.
The moon doesn't shine,
The sun doesn't warm,
But Love is a power,
Stronger than any storm.
A choice must be made,
Once again in this song,
Whose heart will beat,
And whose will be alone?
The duty is stronger
Then the dealings of the heart.
But the music is louder,
When it's singing of love.
18
I don't know what to say to that, so I say nothing. He needs time to work through this, even though time is the last thing on our side. I think he's going to ask me a million questions, but instead he
surprises me by asking none.
"Right now, I can't deal with this," he finally says, his words flat. "We have to get to the castle and figure out what's going on. Our friends are in there and the people we have sworn to protect."
"Brendan,"
"No, Cali. I can't. I have to be a solider right now, because otherwise I will be useless."
I nod, because I understand, but it doesn't take the hurt away. The fact that I can feel so much proves that not everything is black and white when it comes to me. I may be evil by blood, but more and more I'm learning that blood doesn't mean as much as the prophecy, or Cornelius, would like it to mean.
"What's the plan?"
That I don't expect. For a second I stand shocked, as he looks at me patiently. After all that, he's still letting me lead and if I haven't cried myself dry, I might lose it all over again. Instead, I pull myself together like a good warrior would and turn to assess our situation.
"We can't exactly walk through the front doors." And going backwards to the streets is not the best strategy either. The castle is far enough from the main street that we would be too far. The people down there can take care of themselves, as most fae are trained in combat for this exact reason.
"The tree," I suddenly come to a conclusion, turning to Brendan. He doesn't need clarification from me on what tree I'm talking about. We used to use it to sneak off campus after long training sessions. Without a word, he takes off in the direction of our own passageway, with me fast on his heels.
It doesn't take as long to get there and it's surprisingly deserted. Even so, we're careful to approach, keeping to the shadows as much as possible. Now that Brendan knows the truth about my majyk, I'm not as afraid of letting it out and I can feel it swirling just underneath my skin.
"Once we're inside the walls we should be able to locate the panic room," Brendan says, keeping his eyes firmly on our surroundings. "Can you sense anything from out here?"
