Gold

by E. J. Noyes

  “So do you. And you look like you need a babysitter.” Hayley had a smear of someone’s dinner on her shoulder, her hair was a mess, and the lines around her mouth had deepened since I’d last seen her in person. But she still looked so damned good. I dragged my suitcase and ski gear bags inside and leaned them against the wall. “Where’s Ryan?”

  “Still at work. Telephone conference with some colleagues in Switzerland.” She gently nudged me up the hallway. “He’ll be home around nine.”

  When I came into sight, Anna yelled my favorite alliteration of my name. “Aunt Aspen!” She sprung from her chair so fast, her plate clattered to the floor. David startled and gave an alarmed cry when she sprinted away from the table.

  I dropped to my knees and opened my arms. Anna crashed into me, clinging around my neck like a monkey and I breathed in the scent of that unmistakable thing that was just kid. After a long hug, I leaned back and held her at arm’s length. “You are so tall! Have you been standing in Mommy’s garden fertilizer again?”

  Solemnly, Anna shook her head. That one was obviously a joke for when she was older. She was all leg and arm, lanky and lean, and though they were of similar ages, Anna had Phoebe beaten by a few inches. Cate’s goddaughter. Cate’s daughter. Cate. The thoughts always came at the strangest and worst time. I forced them out again.

  Hayley stood over us with a very wary David hitched on her hip. “This visit is the world’s best surprise, isn’t it? And now Aunt Aspen can help put you to bed after your bath.”

  Swinging Anna into my arms, I stood. My left hip complained. “Who’s the easiest?”

  My sister smiled beatifically. “There is no easiest, honey.”

  Three stories, one glass of water, five promises that I’d be there when she woke and two ultimatums later, Anna was finally sleeping. David had warmed up to me once he connected the dots between me from Skype and me in person, and had stopped fretting every time I came into his sightline. He drew the line at me being in the room while Hayley put him down for the night.

  We settled in their living room with drinks, and Davey’s sleep monitor on the table in front of us. Hayley yawned and stretched, legs sliding under the coffee table and head falling to the back of the couch. “They’re going to wake up all night now because you’re here. One day I’m going to turn up at your place and disrupt your kids before bed. Payback’s a bitch.”

  “You know I think I’d actually look forward to that.” Because then I’d actually have kids.

  Hayley turned her face toward me, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. “One day.”

  “One day,” I agreed. Wife, kids, dog, happy.

  “So, what’s going on? Not that I’m not overjoyed to see you, but it’s kind of unexpected.” She sat up again, reaching for the mug of herbal tea she’d set on the worn coffee table.

  “My year suddenly got a little weird and I wanted to see you before it gets hectic.” I sipped my too-hot coffee then rested it on my knee to cool. “I’ve been offered a full-time coaching job in Colorado.”

  Hayley flicked my arm. “And you didn’t think to mention this earlier?”

  “It’s not a done deal yet. I’m assessing the girl in a few weeks but Brick seems to think it’ll work out.”

  “Brick?” Hayley laughed. “Oh my God, I can’t believe he’s still around.”

  “Mhmm, and still on his feet by the sound of it.”

  We shared a fond smile. Since I was fifteen, Brick was my only agent and over the years he’d become like part of the family. We’d kept loosely in touch since my retirement, but I suddenly realized even that had fallen by the wayside in the past year or so.

  She tapped my thumbnail. “What’s with this?”

  I studied my fingers, trying to figure out what she was talking about. After a few seconds, it twigged. My fingernails were bare of bright nail polish for the first time in almost twenty years. “Just thought it was time to grow up, I guess.”

  “I don’t think colored nails are an indicator of childishness.”

  I shrugged. “Just trying a few things out, that’s all.”

  Hayley grunted. “So why now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This big change. You could have come home sooner, put yourself out there for a steady job years ago.”

  “True,” I mused, drawing the word out. “…but I wasn’t quite there.”

  “Not quite where?”

  Sighing, I elaborated, “In a good place, emotionally. Or physically, obviously. I did some thinking after Cate left, Hayls. Soul-searching stuff.”

  She slung an arm over the back of the couch, reaching out to massage my shoulder. “What have you been working on?”

  “Everything really, but mostly how it was time to stop running away. How I need to be nicer to myself, stop punishing myself for what happened. I’m going to settle back in the States. At least for a little while.” I paused to grin, then continued, “See where being in one place gets me.”

  Hayley nodded, studying me with that expression I knew so well—she wanted to talk about my issues and knew I didn’t, because I rarely did. But I’d changed, and one thing I’d learned in the recent past was that ignoring problems didn’t make them go away.

  I shifted my gaze from hers and stared into my mug. “It’s time to stop beating myself over the head with what happened. I need to let it all go.”

  My sister’s voice was tight with emotion. “I can’t tell you how pleased and how proud I am to hear that, Aspen. I mean, I’m not pleased that it took heartbreak to get there but you know…”

  “Me either, but whatever it takes, right?” I forced a grin. When Hayley didn’t return it, I let it fall from my mouth, relieved I didn’t have to pretend with her. “I realize now that Cate never promised me anything. I just assumed. And I think it hurts so much because what she said was true, and she saw it after such a short time. The hiding and running away. All the blame. Parts of me had got so messed up, but I couldn’t deal with them because I was so focused on just getting through each day again.”

  My sister lovingly brushed her hand over my hair, her fingers settling at the back of my neck. “I just want to be sure, you know, that you’re doing it for the right reasons?”

  “What reason is that?”

  “For you. Not for a woman who’s no longer in your life.”

  I ran the edge of my finger along the handle of the mug. “I am, Hayls.” When she stayed silent, I mumbled a clichéd, “If I don’t love myself then I can’t expect anyone else to love me.”

  Hayley made a soft musing sound. “Good point. How’s that working out?”

  “Slowly. Surely.”

  “Mmm, sounds like you.” She pulled the same teasing face she’d been giving me since we were kids, less effective now she was in her mid-thirties. “Speaking of, I saw those tweets.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Not bad for an old wreck.”

  “Hey!” I swatted her. “I am not old.”

  “Old enough,” Hayley countered as the garage door spooled up. She laughed shortly. “Ryan’s going to shit himself when he sees you.”

  I smiled and set my coffee down. A door closed. Keys dropped into the ceramic bowl on the kitchen counter and Ryan’s deep voice called quietly through the house. “Sweetheart? Are you still down here? Hayley?”

  “In the den, babe.”

  Ryan’s soft footsteps made their way into the room. For such a tall guy, he had a light, graceful step. “I thought you’d be in be—oh, Aspen!” He let out a delighted cry and tugged me up from the couch. “Oh my God. What are you doing here?”

  It felt good to be hugged by someone taller than me, someone as solid and dependable as my brother-in-law. I let myself relax in his embrace, my head on his shoulder as Ryan planted stubbly kisses on my temple. “It’s so good to see you! What are you guys drinking? Tea? Screw that. I’m opening a bottle of wine.” With a final squeeze, he released me from his bear-like grip then leaned down
and kissed Hayley, his thumb gently brushing her chin.

  I glanced away, not wanting to intrude on their intimate moment. Before their first date, Hayley had asked me what I thought of Ryan. I’d said honestly that he was incredibly nice but plain, the kind of guy who blended into the background. But when he came near Hayley it was like he glowed from within, as if she ignited something in him. I’d always hoped one day someone would look at me the way he looked at my sister.

  Ryan straightened again, and began to walk backward out of the room. “This is a fantastic surprise. You look great, Aspen.”

  When he’d walked out, I turned to my sister. “He’s always been so polite,” I drawled.

  Hayley’s eyes moved from where they’d followed her husband out of the room back to me. “Yeah, you look like shit. But you’ll mend. You always do.”

  * * *

  There was a small person crawling up the end of my bed. Groggily, I pushed myself upright. Blinking a few times, I waited for my eyes to adjust to the moonlight coming through curtains I’d forgotten to close. “Anna? Why are you awake?”

  “Because my eyes wanted me to be!” With that, she launched at me, her forehead connecting painfully with my chin. She didn’t seem to care about my mumbled expletive and watering eyes.

  “Do you know what jetlag is?” I’d had about an hour’s sleep after staying up until past midnight sharing a bottle of wine and talking, and I felt like hell on two legs.

  “Nuh-uh.”

  “Mmm.” I fell back onto the bed and hugged her squirming torso. “Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘You promise to close your eyes and go back to sleep’.”

  “But if I promise to do it and then don’t, isn’t that lying?”

  Geez, hello Little Miss Negotiator. She was Hayley’s daughter through and through. I pulled the cover over her. “It’s not a lie if you say you’ll try.”

  “Are you going to play too?”

  I closed my eyes again. “You betcha.” I’m going to play, and win.

  She went still and I could almost sense her forcing herself not to move. I was surprised she’d held out this long for a nighttime visit—she usually came into the guest room at some time during the night. Hayley said I gave off a desperate for kids vibe that they picked up on a mile away. Maybe that desperation was part of what turned Cate away. I grimaced, closed my eyes and willed myself back to sleep.

  A soft knock then Ryan’s whisper of, “Aspen? Anna?” woke me up again at the more acceptable time of six forty. I piggybacked my niece to the table and helped Ryan with making breakfasts and packing their lunches while my sister slept.

  Ryan did most of the morning duties, letting Hayley snatch as much sleep as she could after she’d finally drift off to sleep at some ridiculous time. Davey threw cereal everywhere. Anna talked to me more than she ate her breakfast. Over the top of the kids’ heads, Ryan and I talked about his latest research project. The whole event was hectic and messy and wonderful.

  Ryan took the kids upstairs to say goodbye to their mom then ushered them out the door with promises to Anna that I would indeed be here when she came home. I cleaned up the kitchen and settled with a fresh coffee and the news to wait until Hayley came down from her shower.

  When she entered the room a little before eight, the scent hit me like a sledgehammer and the irrational thought came immediately after. Cate. I looked up, startled, and caught Hayley’s eye. My voice was hoarse when I asked, “New perfume?”

  “Mhmm.” She snatched up the coffeepot. “Ryan bought it for me for our anniversary. I love it.”

  So did I. But on someone else and in some other place millions of miles away. It seemed like another lifetime. “It’s nice,” I said in what I hoped was a complimentary but neutral voice. I looked down into my coffee, hoping the way I felt wasn’t clear. I may as well have hoped that Hayley hadn’t noticed I was alive.

  “Oh…ooookay. Really? Hers?”

  I nodded, raising my coffee to my mouth with a trembling hand. “Yeah.”

  “It’s pretty popular at the moment. I guess I’ll just keep this one for when you’re not here then.” Mug in hand, she sat opposite me. “I’m going to call in today. This thing of yours is way more serious than I thought.”

  We talked over breakfast, catching up on family stuff, dancing around the joys of Australia until Hayley got sick of it and pinned me down with an exasperated, “Cut the shit, Aspen.”

  I was very proud of myself for not crying when I laid out everything, all I hadn’t told her. I was even prouder of myself for being totally honest about how I felt. “After the first time we were together, I thought I could marry her. And it stings that she didn’t think I was worth it.”

  My sister echoed what Rach had said. “Her loss, honey.”

  “Yeah, I know.” The words sounded right but I knew they were hollow. The loss was mine and even after almost four months, I still felt as gutted as I had when Cate had left. “It’s stupid, I only knew her for three weeks and I’m so embarrassed that I’m still hung up on it.”

  She shrugged. “The Archers fall hard, honey. It’s in our DNA.”

  Our father was a champion of love at first sight and every chance he got, he used to tell the story of how he knew Mom was the one the moment he laid eyes on her. Admittedly, he’d just broken his collarbone skiing and was probably doped up but it was a sweet story, nonetheless.

  Letting out a defeated breath, I sulked a little. “Maybe I’m not meant to be in a relationship.”

  “Hey, come on. Don’t be like that.” Hayley swatted at me. “That’s based on absolutely nothing.”

  “No, I mean it, Hayls. I’ve tried the slow and steady thing and that didn’t work. This was a hard and fast fall for someone, and it didn’t work either.” Waving an expansive hand around, I declared, “I think I’m done. I’m going to buy ten cats and dogs and become a spinster who does nothing but feed all the wild animals ten times a day.”

  Hayley shot me an exaggerated eye-roll. “Did you send out invites to this pity party or are you going solo?”

  “Don’t tease, I’m hurting here.” Despite my upset, I laughed. She was right, I was being ridiculous. “I haven’t always been like this have I?”

  “Like what?”

  “This person who isn’t me.” Way to go, Archer. Maybe try being a little more specific? I blew out a breath and elaborated, “You know. Boring, mopey, not fun…selfish. When did that happen?”

  “Around about the time you developed a prescription drug addiction,” she said easily and without accusation.

  My voice wasn’t entirely steady when I asked, “Why didn’t you say something?”

  “Because you weren’t ready to hear it, Aspen. And a bit of a personality switch didn’t seem all that important in the scheme of things. I guess I figured things would right themselves again eventually.”

  I’d made so many apologies for that time in my life but they’d never felt like enough. I offered another, “I’m sorry.”

  “I know you are, and I hope you know you’re forgiven.” She looked uneasy as she asked, “Have you thought about using?”

  I grimaced. Using. I’d always hated that word. It conjured up images of back alleys and dirty needles, not me in my expensive house and clean bathroom swallowing pills obtained legally. But the two things were the same. Then I realized exactly what she’d asked. Had I thought about it, not had I done it. Her unshakable faith in me made tears well, and I made no attempt to stop them. “A few times, yes. But no follow through, obviously.”

  “I’d have been surprised if you didn’t want to, sweetheart, after something like this. I’m so proud of you.” She leaned over and kissed my hair. “Now I don’t want to be a downer, but what will you do if coaching this kid doesn’t work out?”

  I palmed tears from my eyes. “Travel for a bit then I thought I might take on the scholarship kid myself instead of assigning a coach for them. Or I’ll work at one of the resorts near home. Either way, I’m going to
stay in the States for a year or so.”

  She massaged my shoulder gently. “Well, that part of it all pleases me. It’ll be nice to be able see you whenever we want. We’ve missed you.”

  I reached up and squeezed her hand. “I’ve kinda missed me too.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  I left Arizona after a too-short two weeks to reclaim a house that’d been empty for half the year. I’d done it so many times that I had the routine down to a fine art—hire a cleaning service, send my Land Rover to the mechanic to be tuned up after so many idle months, restock completely empty fridge and pantry.

  As usual, the house was in good order, the only maintenance issue a section of my back fence showing early signs of rot. My neighbors and a security company kept an eye on the place while I was gone, and I paid the neighbor’s son to mow my lawns as needed. Freshly cut grass. It’d been so long since I’d been anywhere to smell that.

  I was always glad I hadn’t listened when Hayley suggested I sell my five-bedroom, three-bathroom haven of wood and stone just six miles from glorious Beaver Creek. Sure, it was too big for me, but it was mine. Full of rough wood flooring, rustic support beams and exposed wood rafters, the house was light and open thanks to the massive floor-to-ceiling glass windows. My enormous deck looked out onto a huge yard that I’d always imagined perfect for a dog and a kid’s playhouse. Maybe I should get one. A dog, not a playhouse. Actually, a playhouse sounded pretty fun too.

  It only took a day to uncover furniture and empty my storage rental of a mountain of boxes. Now I was staying home for a bit, I wanted all my more precious things in my space, not gathering dust being safe somewhere else. As I worked, I became acutely aware of that emptiness again. Loneliness. I thought I’d become accustomed to it, but it was now abundantly clear that I hadn’t. Damn you, Cate, for making me remember what I wanted. And what I couldn’t have.

  After a couple of days the house started feeling more like mine again, but the unease still niggled. I’d almost finished unpacking and organizing when I came upon a huge, relatively light box. I had no idea what it was. Probably something I’d packed up in a fit of drug-fueled rage. I stripped off the brittle tape and peeled back the flaps to see masses of neatly stacked envelopes, newspaper, loose paper and printed sheets. Resting on top was an envelope with my name on it in my sister’s handwriting, and the note inside was typical Hayley—brief and mincing zero words.