by E. J. Noyes
Instinct made me want to plow forward again, to push through every one of her residual fears and doubts until there was nothing left between us. But I’d already put myself out there so many times, and some niggling doubt made me hold back this time. It was for Cate to put that last little bit of herself forward and whenever she was ready, I’d be there waiting for her.
We’d planned dinner and a movie on Thursday with Gemma, then a quiet night at home after. When I was almost at her house, Cate called. I activated hands-free. “Hello, beautiful.”
“Hi.” The trace of gravel in her voice had turned even rougher. She was tired. “I’m really sorry but I’m going to be late home. Our computer system had a massive meltdown, and everyone else has left already. I’m waiting for tech support to call me back.”
“Sure thing. No worries.”
“Gemma’s home from school so she’ll let you in. Hopefully we can clear this up in a couple of hours and I haven’t really accidentally deleted half of the patient files.”
“Yikes.” I glanced at the time. “We’ll grab some dinner and hang out on the couch until you get home. Or did you want me to take her to the movie?”
“If you don’t mind. I know she really wants to see it and this way I don’t have to pretend to be interested in teen humor.”
“Thanks,” I said dryly. “Leave it to me.”
She laughed. “You’re younger, you’ll be fine. Plus you love that stuff.” The sound of a landline ringing cut over the conversation. “Shit, I’ve got to go, that’ll be the IT wizard. I’ll see you later.”
“Can’t wait.”
“Love you.” The way she’d said it was so casual and unconscious, like it was the most natural thing. Cate inhaled sharply after the words were out and there was a long, taut silence. I held my breath, wondering if I should respond but I didn’t have the chance because Cate said, “I mean…no, you know what? I meant that. Aspen, I love you.” And she hung up before I could say it back.
I grinned stupidly right up until I pulled into their driveway just before six. Taylor was barking from somewhere inside the house and when I buzzed, the barking intensified. Gemma called through the door, “Who is it?”
“It’s Aspen.”
The door opened to Gem holding onto a straining Taylor’s collar. “Hey.”
“Hi, sweetie. Did you talk to your mom?”
“Yep, she called just before.” She closed the door behind me and the ridgeback erupted into a frenzy of squirmy tail wagging now that she’d realized who I was.
I held up a finger and the dog sat. When I leaned down and gently scratched her neck Taylor responded with licking and more squirming, then shot off down the hall the moment I straightened up. Girlfriend. Child. Dog. I couldn’t help smiling. “Did you want to stay here and order in, or go see that movie?”
Gemma considered for a fraction of a second. “Movie. Some of the girls at school have already seen it.”
“Awesome. Grab your things and we’ll get going. Starts at seven so it might be drive-through dinner for us.”
“The best kind of dinner.”
I laughed. “I won’t tell your mom you said that.”
The cinema was half-filled with teenagers being generally raucous, which made me feel very old and very uncool. I tried to leave a seat between Gemma and me, in case she didn’t want to be seen with a dopey adult, but she yanked me back to sit beside her. She was a trailers-talker, leaning into me to give running commentary on whether or not she wanted to see that movie and why. When the screen dimmed before the feature, she grew silent, slowly moving fistfuls of popcorn into her mouth.
Almost an hour into the movie, which was not entirely awful, Gemma started shifting in her seat then stood up, hunched over. “Bathroom,” she whispered as she slipped past me.
“’Kay.”
Engrossed in the movie, it took me a little while to realize she hadn’t returned. When I tilted my watch toward the aisle lighting, I discovered with dread that she’d been gone almost fifteen minutes. Shit. Please let her be okay, just an upset stomach or something. Please don’t let her be gone. Oh, I’d screwed up. Grabbing our things, I jumped out of the seat and raced from the theater.
I pushed into the first bathroom I saw. All the stalls were open but one. “Gemma? Are you in here?”
“Yeah,” she said hoarsely.
The tightness of worry left my chest in a long exhalation “You okay? Are you sick?” I moved closer to the occupied stall.
“No.”
“Oh. Uh…upset?” About what I couldn’t imagine. The movie was a comedy.
“No.” Sniffling breaths, then a long pause before a quietly trembling voice announced, “I think I got my period.”
Well, shit. Talk about being thrown into the deep end. I leaned against the stall door. “Is it, uh, your first one?”
A quiet, “Yeah.”
“Ah. I see. Uh, has your mom talked to you about it?”
“Mhmm.”
“Right. Okay, good. Have you got any um, supplies?”
“No,” she said softly.
I rummaged in my bag. Tampons and more tampons, probably not the best for… Help. I cast my eyes around, noting with relief that there was a vending machine on the wall. I crossed to it quickly, bought her a sanitary napkin and passed it over the door. “Here you go.”
“Thanks.”
“Think you’ll be okay with that?”
“Yep.”
“Great. I’ll wait outside and you can come out when you’re ready.”
“Okay.”
I left to give her some privacy while she figured things out. Standing outside the restroom, I covered my face with my hands. For a moment I thought about texting Cate but decided against it. This wasn’t my thing to tell her, it was Gemma’s. Oh God, I was so not expecting this.
A nugget of fear nestled in my belly. What was protocol for helping your girlfriend’s daughter who was having personal issues? What if I’d overstepped somehow? But I’d have done the same for anyone, even a stranger. Despite my rationalization, the nugget grew into an anxious fist. Maybe this was the sort of thing Cate had been worried about—how I’d handle teenager things.
Gem came out of the bathroom a short time later, face blotchy and eyes red-rimmed. Without thought I opened my arms to her, and she rushed into them. She crumpled my shirt while I stroked her hair and tried to think of something to say. When I got my first period, Mom was long gone and Hayley had declared, “Welcome to the worst part of your life!”
Saying something similar didn’t seem particularly appropriate at this time, so I settled for a neutral, “Uh, how’s your tummy? Do you have any cramps?”
“Nope.”
“Do you want to go watch the rest of the movie, or go home?”
Gem pulled her sleeve over the butt of her hand to wipe her nose. “Think I just wanna go.”
“Sure thing. Your mom should be home soon.” I slung a loose arm over her shoulder and after a few steps, Gemma wrapped her arm around my waist.
In the car, she was quiet but seemed otherwise all right. So awkward. I still didn’t know if I should say something and if I did say something, should I make a joke or be serious about it? I drummed my fingers on the wheel. “I guess we’ll have to make another time to come back and finish the movie.”
“Sounds good.”
I glanced quickly at her. “Your mom said you’ve got a debate next Friday.”
“Yeah.”
“Awesome. I can’t wait to watch you.” I reached over and smoothed all her unruly blond hair back. “How you feeling?”
“Okay. Kinda strange maybe.”
Laughing softly, I nodded. “Yeah, it takes a bit of getting used to.” Up ahead I spotted a familiar sign, changed lanes and pulled in to the parking lot. The other thing my sister had done was sit with me on the couch and share a pint of ice cream until I had a stomachache. “You coming in to choose? This is part of the ritual you know. The bit nobody tells y
ou about.”
She bit her lower lip, trying to hide her smile but the edges of her mouth quirked up. “Pick a flavor each?”
I unbuckled and winked at her. “You know it. Let’s get one for your mom too, okay?”
When Cate arrived home a little after nine, Gem and I were on the couch, watching TV and sharing ice cream from the container. She threw her bags and dry cleaning onto the easy chair and stepped behind us, leaning on the couch. “Hello, my gorgeous girls.”
I tilted my head back to look at her. Even upside down, she was so beautiful she made my breath catch. “Hey. Everything sorted?”
“Yes, thank God. A program glitch, not a Cate error.” Cate kissed Gemma’s forehead then my lips. “You guys are home early.” She held out her hand. “Can I have some of that, please? I haven’t had dinner yet.”
Gemma passed Cate the ice cream and her spoon then shot me a conspiratorial smile. Cate spooned, and sighed. “Oh. You got mint-chip. I adore you both.” She came around to sit between us, the spoon in her mouth clattering against her teeth as she asked, “Did you guys get to the movie?”
Gemma was silent and appeared to want to stay that way. I stepped up to answer. “Yeah we did.”
“How was it?” Cate scooped again, leaving a smear of ice cream on her lower lip.
Inappropriate time to think of how much I wanted to lick it from her lips. She did it for me, tongue slipping out of her mouth and sweeping along her lip. I forced my eyes up. “Okay. We came home early.”
“Yeah? Why?” Cate’s eyes moved between Gemma and me like a tennis spectator’s.
“I’m going to make something for your dinner. Something that’s not ice cream.” I leaned in, kissed her quickly and stood. Cate looked up at me, concern worrying her features. I shook my head, mouthed it’s fine, and left them to it.
From the kitchen their quiet chattering provided a backdrop as I started a simple pasta dish for Cate. I tried to tune the sound out, to let them have this personal time, but Gem’s teasing recount of the sound I’d made when the lead actress first appeared on screen, and Cate’s laughing answer was a balm for my soul. There was more laughter and quiet conversation for ten minutes until I heard Gem’s footsteps on the stairs. Cate came in seconds later to put the ice cream in the freezer. I glanced away from the stove. “Everything okay?”
“Mhmm.” She grabbed the bottom of my shirt and pulled me roughly forward. Letting out a surprised squeak, I forgot to let go of the spoon and had to make a tricky move to avoid spilling pasta sauce on her work polo. “You,” Cate said, reaching to take my face in her hands, “…are wonderful.” She kissed me, thumbs caressing my cheekbones.
My anxiety about the evening’s events broke up and fell away. “You say it like you’ve only just realized,” I teased.
Cate smiled, shaking her head. “No. I’ve known it for a while. Thank you, Aspen. Thank you.” She hugged me hard and I reciprocated with one arm, dripping sauce onto the kitchen floor from the spoon held in the other. Nobody had ever hugged me the way Cate did. With her nose tucked against my jaw, breath warm on my skin, she poured herself into me like she wanted to be part of me.
Despite the swell of love, a small panic about the fate of her dinner started to override. “Cate?” I fretted. “I need to…your dinner’s going to burn.”
Cate reached around me to turn the burner off and yank the pot onto an unused one. She took the spoon from my hand, dropped it in the pan and looked up at me. “I love you.” Her eyes were wide, her expression earnest, willing me to hear her.
And I did. I heard everything in those three words. Swallowing hard, I managed to force out a raspy, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, good. Because I love you too. So we’re even.” Pulling her close, I bent my head to kiss her. Kissing Cate always felt like a safe haven. Now with the spoken truth sitting firmly between us, it felt like the only place I wanted to be. My arms wrapped low around her waist and hers curled around my neck. The low rumble of desire I had whenever she touched me built to a quiet roar. But this kiss wasn’t about the promise of what would come later in bed, it was about connection.
I felt more connected than I’d ever felt. She grounded me, reminded me of everything that was important. She made me feel like I really belonged somewhere, with someone, for the first time in my life.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The morning of Gemma’s debate I snuck out early to walk Taylor, as I always did when staying at their place. When I came back just after six thirty, I found Gem already awake and at the kitchen table, worrying over her notes. Massaging her shoulder, I asked, “Everything good?”
“I think so?” Gem frowned. “Maybe. Can you listen to my opening arguments?”
“Of course. Let me make myself some tea.”
Gem and I ran through it for twenty minutes, until the timer kicked the coffee machine into action—a sure sign Cate would emerge soon. I bopped Gem’s head with the notes she’d given me. “Ready for breakfast?”
“Yeah,” she mumbled, unrolling and flattening the pages onto the table.
She slumped in her chair, reading through her arguments yet again while I started oatmeal for her. Cate’s daughter was more than capable of getting breakfast for herself but I thought she could use a little fussing. More to the point, I really liked fussing over both of them. “Juice, tea, or hot chocolate?”
“Tea, please.”
I flicked the kettle back on and set mugs out. “What time are they getting you guys dinner tonight?” The debate club would stay after school to prepare and have pizza before the debate. Assuming any of them could eat around their nerves.
“Five thirty. Doors open at six fifteen.” Gemma looked up, eyes suddenly panicked. “You won’t be late?”
“We won’t be late, sweetie. I promise.” I dropped teabags into the mugs of boiling water and passed one to her. “Here.”
Cate stumbled into the kitchen in robe and slippers with her phone in hand. My lover was as far from a morning person as you could get. I pulled another mug down, fixed her coffee and silently set it on the counter before moving back to the stove. Cate surveyed the scene with half-closed eyes. “Did I miss the memo about waking up before dawn this morning?” she mumbled, still quiet and husky with sleep. I loved her like that, bleary and bewildered like a newborn kitten.
Stirring breakfast, I turned to smile at her. “We didn’t bother sending it to you.”
Gem backed me up with a facetious, “Waste of time.”
We were slow-clapped for our effort. “Very funny.” Cate stopped to kiss Gem’s forehead then came for me. She took my face in her hands, pulled me down and kissed me softly. “Hey.”
“Morning,” I murmured. When she let go of my face, I slid the coffee closer to her.
“Thank you.” Cate grabbed the mug like it was life-giving. In her case, at this time of morning, it was. “Seriously, why are you up so early, Gem?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gem explained.
“Mmmph.” Clearly Cate had exhausted her pre-coffee word quota.
I dished out steaming oatmeal into two bowls, added banana and honey and passed one to Gem. She sprinkled cinnamon on hers—I sprinkled protein powder on mine. Cate set milk on the table for us and sat down beside me with nothing more than her mug. Food was beyond her capabilities first thing in the morning, and she’d eat breakfast later at work.
Cate drank coffee and read the news on her phone, a hand on my thigh while I ate. Her touch was firm, almost bruising and after a few minutes I slid my hand under the table and interlaced our fingers. Her grip eased, but was still tight enough to be borderline uncomfortable. The room was quiet until Gem pushed her chair back, the legs scraping over the floor, and carried her dishes to the sink. The moment Gemma came back to the table, Cate said, “Sweetheart, can you let the dog out please?”
“But Aspen already—”
Cate’s look stopped her immediately. “Then get ready for school.”
Gemma picked up her papers and held them tightly to her chest, seemingly surprised at Cate’s terseness. She shot us a curious look but left the room without saying anything more. When the bathroom door upstairs closed, Cate spun on her chair to face me. Her grip on the mug was white-knuckled. “I had an email this morning,” she said quietly. “From Lisa.”
Her ex’s name almost made me jerk, like someone had hit me with a cattle prod. Tension wormed its way into my cells and I dragged my tea closer, needing something in my hands. Something concrete to keep me grounded. “Oh? What about?” Way to go, Aspen. That almost came out sounding not jealous. Almost.
“She’s back in the States for a family thing and wants to see me and Gemma on Thursday.” Cate was matter-of-fact, almost detached. “I tried to protect Gem from a lot of the ugly stuff that happened behind the scenes and if she wants to see Lisa, then I can’t really stop it.”
The ugly stuff was putting it mildly. I was certain there was more Cate hadn’t told me but what she had was bad enough—fighting, manipulation, gaslighting, a bit of the physical. Not to mention her cruelty after Cate had miscarried before falling pregnant with Gemma. Then the way she’d tried to separate Cate from her friends and family, probably so they couldn’t see what she was doing. A real piece of work. I swallowed the unpleasant taste in my mouth, and said as evenly as I could, “That’s fair enough. How do you feel about that?”
“Anxious but I’ll manage. She can’t do anything if we’re in public.” Cate reached around to unwrap my hand from my mug.
I hadn’t realized how tightly I was gripping it until I felt the tug of her trying to pry my fingers away. The flare of possessive anger had burned so hot and fierce, it was frightening. I pushed it down as best I could but it simmered, refusing to go away completely. Cate pulled my index finger until I looked at her. “What are you afraid of, Aspen?”
I didn’t even need to think. “That she’ll hurt you again,” I whispered. “I couldn’t stand it.”
