by E. J. Noyes
“What else?” The question was posed calmly, softly, and for a moment I was transported back to our first day together when she’d drawn me out with the same gentle questioning.
I forced a smile but it felt like it didn’t belong on my face. It was the wrong time to be smiling. “Ridiculous, irrational things mostly.”
Her answering smile was indulgent. “Let me guess for this one. You’re worried Lisa will try to get me back, and I’ll go and take Gem with me.”
When she verbalized it, I realized how ridiculous my runaway thought process was. “Something like that. I’m sorry, I know it’s not…you know, but my brain thinks stupid things.”
She tilted her head, her expression now neutral. “You think I don’t have the fortitude, or strength of character to resist?”
“No, nothing like that!”
“Then what?” she asked softly. “Tell me what you’re worried about.” Cate’s fingertips lightly traced the line of my jaw and I had to suppress a shiver.
I took a moment to arrange my words in some sort of order. “You shared your life with her for over ten years, Cate. You had a child together. Made a home. You and me, we haven’t even been together for three months total, and everything’s been so fragile. You guys have a lot of history, that’s all.” It sounded pathetic when I said it aloud. “I guess I’m worried that seeing her will make you realize I’m not what you want. That I’m not capable.”
Carefully, Cate moved my mug away but I recognized her calm as forced. She was upset. For a panicked few seconds I couldn’t tell if she was upset with me, or about the situation in general. She took my chin in her hand, her grip firm but not painful and our eyes met, hers blazing with conviction. If I could have seen mine, I’m sure they would have been afraid.
Cate’s voice was low and forceful. “Listen to me, Aspen Archer. I’m here because this is where I want to be. This is where Gemma wants to be. With you. Not with Lisa. Okay? Yes, we have history, as in it’s the past.” She relaxed her grip, her thumb gently stroking the edge of my mouth.
Her words pierced through the heavy sludge of my jealousy, turning some of it to shame. “I’m sorry. I’ve never been jealous like this before. It’s horrible.” I ran my fingers down my sternum. “And it’s right here, suffocating me.”
She placed her palm flat against my chest, between my breasts. “Here?”
I nodded. “Yes. And it feels even worse because I feel like I shouldn’t be like her, jealous and possessive.”
“This thing is completely different, darling.” She ran her hand up and down the valley between my breasts, pushing the feeling away, soothing the frantic thud of my heart. “That thing you’re feeling is pride, protectiveness. Hers was pure jealousy.”
I tried to swallow the lump of fear in my throat. “I’m so scared of losing you both.”
“You won’t,” she said firmly. “I don’t want Lisa. Once, I thought I did but not now and not for a long time. Everything I want is in this house. Got it?”
I nodded again.
“Good.” She kissed me hard. “I’m going to ask her to sign a relinquishment of parental rights. We should have done it years ago, but I guess I just shoved it aside and tried to forget.”
The words registered, but it took me a few seconds to examine them enough to make sense of exactly what Cate was saying. “Okay…”
“I want her to sign it because I want you to think about the future and maybe being Gemma’s legal guardian someday. I mean it.” She blinked, her eyes brimming with moisture. “Did you hear what I said, Aspen?”
“I heard you,” I said thickly. “I don’t need to think. Yes.”
She kissed me. “Good. I’ll see you after work.”
* * *
In addition to her chores and responsibilities at home, and for an extra twenty dollars a week, Gemma helped me with shoveling my paths and other small house maintenance stuff. I thought she should have more, but Cate was firm that the forty dollars from both of us plus some minutes for Gem’s cell phone were more than adequate. She’d probably burned all her phone allowance calling friends to talk about their debate win on Friday.
I stuck some money under a magnet on their fridge, then leaned over and stole a piece of carrot from the chopping board. When I didn’t get into trouble, I snatched some broccoli as well. As nonchalantly as I could, I asked, “What time are you leaving tomorrow?”
Cate didn’t look up from chopping. “I’ll pick Gem up from school and go straight there. We should be back around seven.”
“Will you have dinner when you get home?” I was trying so hard to make it a normal conversation, as though what was happening was an everyday thing. All week my anxiousness at her meeting with Lisa had risen until it was barely suppressed. I couldn’t imagine how Cate felt.
She paused. “Uh, yes.”
“I’ll cook then.” I went for another piece of carrot and was lightly hand-slapped for my trouble. Unexpected words fell out of my mouth. “Maybe we could think about living together.”
“What are you thinking exactly?” It was a casual response, as though she’d barely allocated any importance to it.
I leaned a hip against the counter. “I’m not sure. I know Gem’s got school, and you’ve got work and I have to be at Beaver Creek for training most days, but I don’t like being apart from you guys.”
“Me either. But I’m just not sure how, that’s all. I can’t really move, not until Gem’s finished school.” She carried the cutting board toward me. “Watch out please, babe.”
I shifted sideways so she could pass me to scrape vegetables in the hot pan. “Okay, I get that, but I could move.”
“You already drive an hour and a half here and then back for Stacey’s training two days during the week. You want to add another two?”
“Well, yes. I don’t mind it. I want to share my life fully with you. I want us to be a family.”
“So do I, but…” Cate took a deep breath and turned around. “Aspen, you’re such an adorable romantic and I see how much you want to do this. You’re amazing and I love you, but I just don’t know how it’ll work. I can’t do anything right now.” Her eyes begged me to understand.
“Okay. What about a shared bank account or something for when the three of us are doing things together?” The ‘you pay this and I’ll pay that’ system grated on me, and not because I thought it wasn’t equal. I wanted more, more shared things, more us.
“I…not yet. Baby steps, please. Let’s keep it in mind and talk in a few months.”
The cool rebuttal stopped my hopes dead in their tracks. I forced a smile. “Sure, okay then. I think I get it.”
Cate set the cutting board down, blowing out a deep breath. “I hope so, really, I do. It’s not you, really. I was independent for so long and when I shared my life and my finances fully all I got was controlled because of what she perceived as inequality.”
“I wouldn’t do that,” I whispered. “It’s not about that.” Cate was so shaped by years of what Lisa had done to her. Some days I felt I couldn’t find a way in, past all the hurt to show her that wasn’t me.
“I know, but you’re trying to undo years of deception. I need a little time to adjust.”
I stepped in and gently pulled her to me, relieved when she didn’t resist. Resting my cheek against her hair, I held her close, settling myself in the comfort of being with her. “I understand and I’m sorry to have pushed. I know the timing of us talking about it with you seeing her tomorrow isn’t great.”
But I’d still done it, and I knew exactly why. Because I was scared she didn’t know how much I loved her, and I wanted her to prove she loved me. It was like a dog peeing to mark its territory and I was so annoyed at myself.
“Don’t be. I just want you to know where I’m coming from.”
I pulled back but kept my hands on her hips, needing to show her I was there. “I do.”
Cate rubbed her eye with the side of her hand. “Thank you.”
I kissed h
er temple then went upstairs to shower. Little though I liked it, I understood what she was saying. But it still stung. I never had money growing up and my family had shared everything. For as long as I could remember, I’d worked—mowed lawns, washed cars, walked dogs or done any job I could to buy ski equipment. During the ski season I worked the cafeteria at the resort on weekends and after school in exchange for lift passes. My dad had mortgaged the hell out of our house to pay my first coaches. I had a scholarship for college and without it, I never would have attended.
When I was suddenly very wealthy, I had no idea what to do, so after I’d bought myself somewhere to live and a car that didn’t break down, I paid off my father’s mortgage, helped my sister buy a house, and donated to charity. I was conditioned to share everything but it seemed Cate didn’t want any of it. Leaning against the shower screen, I admonished myself. That wasn’t true and it certainly wasn’t fair. She’d trusted me with so much and I had to trust that she meant what she said, that she needed and wanted me.
Chapter Twenty-Five
I slept uneasily, waking constantly to check on Cate who slept as she usually did—like the dead. We’d stayed awake until the early hours talking about the next day, and Cate had draped herself over me as I stroked her skin gently. She’d admitted she was nervous and I admitted I was terrified she might be hurt. When she’d finally drifted to sleep, she was clinging to me like a child, clutching my soft cotton tee, her face pressed to my shoulder.
At breakfast, Gem seemed completely normal but Cate was even quieter than usual. She joined me in the shower, pressed me back against the cool tiles and as water cascaded over us, we reminded each other of what we had. Drying off, I studied the faint possessive bite mark on my shoulder. For the first time since I’d known her, Cate took a Valium she had in the back of the bathroom cabinet. She left me with a kiss and a quiet, “Wish me luck.”
And I was left to fret, wondering if there was something I could do to make it easier for Cate. There wasn’t. I fed Taylor, then took her home with me to hang out for an epic few hours of Call of Duty on the Xbox. Or it would have been epic if I’d been able to concentrate. After half an hour of playing like a complete newbie, I tired of being pilloried by other players, and gave up to nap on the couch with the dog.
All afternoon I worked on start drills with Stacey at Beaver Creek. Then Taylor and I drove back to Idaho Springs. Cate was right—it was a lot of driving, but it was totally worth it. And that’s why they invented audiobooks and podcasts.
I’d just pulled dinner from the oven when Cate and Gemma arrived a little after half-past seven. Cate’s smile was forced. Gemma’s was nonexistent. Cate kissed me softly but said nothing, and that silence said everything. Gem was uncharacteristically withdrawn, and when I asked about school she gave me a short, snappy reply.
I watched her eating with her head down, then looked helplessly to Cate. My lover’s lower lip was caught between her teeth, her headshake slight. Her eyes said everything. Not now. Don’t ask. I’ll tell you later.
I ate the rest of my dinner, barely tasting it until Gemma broke the silence with a quiet, “May I please be excused? I’m finished.”
“Sure, honey,” Cate agreed. “Did you want to watch a movie?”
“No thanks, I’ve got homework.” Gem was already standing, empty plate and glass in hand.
I watched this back-and-forth between the most important people in my life, and felt like a foreigner. The language they spoke to one another was one I didn’t know. It was a language of pain and emotion, and until Cate translated for me, I was clueless.
I stayed clueless until we went to bed, my hand on the small of her back as we walked up the stairs together. We moved around the bathroom silently, brushing teeth, swallowing pills, being normal. But it wasn’t normal. I stood behind her, stroking her back, and watched her taking off her makeup. “How are you?”
Cate caught my eye in the mirror. “I’m okay. She was civil. The paperwork is signed and I’ll drop it off to the lawyer on Monday.”
“Okay, good.” Though genuine, my excitement and happiness were tempered by my concern for what my girls had had to do that afternoon, and the words fell flat.
“Your inside thoughts are on the outside again, Aspen,” Cate teased gently but her smile never touched her eyes.
“Sorry, can’t help it.” I swallowed. “I’ve just been worried about you guys today. How was she with Gem?”
Cate tossed the makeup wipe into the trash. “Aloof, basically ignored her except to be snide. It was just so typical, the whole thing was like a sick game for her. She called and I had to come running because she knew I’d never stop my daughter from seeing her if that’s what Gem wanted. And I had to sit there and be cordial because I needed her to sign those damned papers.”
When I opened my arms, Cate came to me immediately, burying her face in my shoulder. I kissed her temple. “Was Gemma okay?”
Cate leaned back to look up at me. “She was so well-mannered. I was very proud of her, but I could tell how uncomfortable she was. Then she fell apart when we got back into the car. Kept asking me why someone who was supposed to want her enough to help me make her could be like that.”
The pain in my chest was so acute I almost gasped. Such a waste and so much hurt and heartbreak. They didn’t deserve it. Cate’s voice cracked. “Jesus, what kind of mother am I to make my daughter endure that? She only went because she thought it’s what I wanted.”
Taking her face in my hands, I made her look at me. “Hey, this is on Lisa, Cate. Not you.”
“I know, but everything’s just been ripped wide open again. How could I have stayed with someone like that for so long? Someone who didn’t even want us. I was so damned selfish.”
I had no answer for her rhetorical question. Cate took a few calming breaths, swiping her hands over her eyes. “And she asked about you.”
“Me? How does she even know about me?”
“Sorry, the nonspecific you. She guessed why I wanted her to relinquish rights.” Cate smiled suddenly. “Gem spoke up, all by herself, about how great you were and all the fun stuff you guys did together, like she knew exactly where to twist the knife.”
“Told you before, she’s a smart kid.” I grinned.
“Yeah, she is.” The smile wavered and she let out a shaky breath. “Anyway, I can set it behind us now.”
“Mmm.” Sliding my thumbs over those glorious cheekbones, I said softly, “Come to bed. You look exhausted.”
“Thanks,” she said dryly.
“But still so damned beautiful.”
“You charmer.” Cate slid under the covers, holding them open for me. I slipped in behind her and held her close, my cheek against her hair as we talked. What we should do on the weekend. Whether we should have a party or just a quiet dinner for my birthday next month. We talked about everything but Cate’s old life.
When we’d exhausted the mundane, Cate rolled over and brushed her face against my shoulder, her head coming to rest on my breasts. Then she stepped over our unspoken boundary and murmured, “I’m glad I saw her.”
“Why’s that, darling?”
Cate burrowed against me. “Because now I’m absolutely certain I made the right choice leaving her.”
Her words grew drowsy and disjointed then her breathing steadied and she was silent. I drifted on the edge of sleep thinking of what this other woman had done to Cate. My Cate, so intelligent and tender. The woman who thought Simon and Garfunkel was the greatest band on earth and whose smile pushed away my hurt. Cate, who had magic hands to both soothe and ignite me in the same touch. The woman whose face I conjured when I felt overwhelmed. The woman who showed me every day how much she needed me.
Something brushed over my stomach, startling me awake. I twitched and opened my eyes to the darkness. Cate moved and I realized it was her, touching me. Light fingers ran over my stomach, heading south. I fumbled for her. “Baby?”
There was no answer except for finge
rs tracing my face and finding my lips. Her mouth followed, bringing a hot, searching tongue. I knew what she was doing. She needed to remind herself of what she had and to dispel some of her ghosts. I surrendered everything to her, willingly giving her all the control.
When she begged me to be rough with her, I used my nails and bit her beautiful skin until she cried out in ecstasy. When she slowed and steadied, I followed to soothe those marks with soft kisses and a loving tongue. Cate pushed me down between gloriously spread thighs and together, we chased some of the shadows of her past away.
* * *
Gem was a little more like herself at breakfast but still slightly reserved. I couldn’t erase their past hurts, but I could help with the now. I could make sure she knew how much I cared about her and how much I wanted her around. On a whim, I suggested that we go to Denver Sunday and spend the day at the Museum of Nature and Science.
Cate spoke up. “Why don’t you guys go today?”
“It’s a school day,” Gem said, her voice quietly monotone.
“Mental health day. If you go today, Aspen won’t be hanging around for hours waiting for us to get home.”
Gemma looked between us both, eyebrows reaching for her hairline. In the end, the prospect of a Friday off school seemed to win out. “If you’re sure it’s okay…”
“Mhmm, absolutely.” Cate’s voice sounded too light, too cheerful but I kept silent and drank my coffee.
Upstairs, as we readied for our respective days, I said, “I know what you’re doing.”
The hand holding her mascara brush stilled and she caught my gaze in the mirror. “What’s that?”
“You’re letting me do what I need to for her.” I buttoned my jeans and stepped behind Cate, dropping a kiss on her neck. I inhaled, drawing in the scent of her. “Thank you.”
“I’m not doing anything, Aspen. It’s all you.” She turned around and grabbed my hips. “Will you be okay walking around all day?”
My annoyance flared for a fraction of a second. “Mhmm, I’ve been at a two pretty much all week. I think we’ve finally got the combination right.” I’d even had one or two mornings with barely any pain or stiffness. Way to go, joints!
