“What can I say; I’ve got enough excitement going on with Katherine and her cronies, without thinking about doing something dangerous to myself.” A slight bending of the truth, but I really didn’t want to do anything dangerous. I wanted to break this Suppressor as safely as possible, just quicker.
“And you’re okay with the surgery aspect?”
I shrugged nervously. “I know it’s really risky, which is probably putting it mildly, but if it works, then it’ll be worth it. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. I trust Krieger to do a good job. He seems confident about it, which is slightly comforting. Not much, but hey.”
“And you think it’ll work? Did Krieger mention any side effects?”
Isadora’s warning flashed back into my mind. I could be left with too much or nothing at all. Would it be the same if I waited for the surgery? I had no idea. Although I doubted that seventeen years of pent-up energy just went away because it got plucked out slowly.
“I have to believe him when he says it will,” I said. “As for side effects, I don’t want to worry you, or myself, for that matter. There are some, but I don’t want to think about that too much. It’s not like this kind of thing has been done a lot.”
He looked me dead in the eyes, a wave of affection rolling off him. “Well, we’re all here for you, when the time comes. I’m sure Tatyana won’t mind using some of her abilities to get you through, as long as Krieger is sure of the measured risks,” he said evenly. “Although, for you, the surgery will probably be the easy part. It’s the Euphoria that’ll wear you out. Sinking into a state like that is notoriously difficult, and it’ll require a lot of focus. I’d be happy to help you, once Krieger sets a surgery date.”
“Thank you; that’d be great.” I smiled at him, feeling a bit sad. If I had my way, that surgery would never happen, meaning I wouldn’t get to spend a whole bunch of alone time with Wade.
“And, if you need someone to hold your hand while Krieger operates,” he murmured, setting my pulse racing, “I’m sure Santana or Astrid would oblige. They’ll want to be in the room if they’re allowed.”
Ah, Wade Crowley, how he does giveth and then taketh away.
“And you?” I said boldly.
“I’m not one for blood and guts and scalpels.”
“Hey, there’ll be no guts, thank you very much. If any of my insides start spilling out, Krieger’s cut in the wrong place.”
He pulled a face. “You have such a way with words, Harley.”
“Yes, Wordsworth would be proud.” I flashed him a grin, trying to shove away my disappointment. “Anyway, has there been any progress on the Katherine case? I know you said something about looking through a stack full of folders the other day—any luck so far?”
He shook his head and sat down beside me. “Not really. There’s no reference to these five rituals in any of them, and nobody seems to know anything about this Librarian or where to find her. It’s like she’s completely off-grid, whoever she is. I’m guessing that’s the point.”
“Yeah, with knowledge like hers, it’s probably best to keep a low profile.”
“Precisely. Only that’s incredibly frustrating when you’re trying to find said person.”
I chuckled. “Like a needle in a larger stack of needles?”
“Right.” He sighed and leaned back on the workbench. “Alton’s been putting his feelers out, and he’s asked Marjorie to try her Clairvoyance using only the name, but so far all that’s thrown up were visions of old ladies in fusty libraries across the country, stacking and stamping books. Not exactly the kind of Librarian we’re looking for.”
“Did Alton think they might be able to form a link, given that they’re both Clairvoyants?”
“I think he had something like that in mind, but Marjorie just hasn’t had the time to develop her skills. They’re all over the place, to be honest. I don’t want to sound like an asshole, because I know she’s trying, but it’s like having a huge, super-useful weapon and no ammunition. Even when she’s highly focused, she needs more than a name to get a clear image. Look at Micah—it took touching a Shapeshifter to get that location out of Marjorie.”
“I hope you haven’t given off any of these vibes to her, Wade,” I said sternly. “She’s been through a lot, remember. Her mind is probably a total mess. Even if she wanted to think more clearly, there are a million other things going on in there, especially now.”
He frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Santana told her about the Hamms having their memories of her wiped.”
“Ah.”
“So, she’s got a lot on her plate,” I said. “Can’t go wrong with a little compassion.”
“You think we’ve got time for compassion?”
I stared at him. “There’s always time for that; otherwise, we’re no better than Katherine.”
After a pause, he crossed his arms. “I guess you’re right.”
“You do?”
He chuckled. “Do you really think I’m that cold?”
“No, but I’m still trying to find your soft and fuzzy center. I know you’ve got one, somewhere in there.” I reached over and pressed my palm to his chest. In one swift movement, he covered my hand with his and held it there for a moment longer, his heartbeat thudding against my skin. I looked up at him in surprise, and my tongue twisted itself into knots as I struggled for something to say.
“Have you found it?” he murmured.
A lump gathered in my throat. “Not yet.”
“Then you’ll have to look harder.”
We were so close that I could’ve leaned over and kissed him. His eyes were fixed on mine, as though challenging me to make the move that he couldn’t. Desire bristled off him like static electricity as he looked at me, his Adam’s apple moving in a breathless gulp while his teeth grazed his bottom lip. Oh, God… Could you be any sexier?
“Still, what Marjorie is going through doesn’t make our current overall predicament any less frustrating,” he said, breaking the tender moment.
Yeah, and you looking at me with those bedroom eyes doesn’t help, either.
“Just when I thought I’d found Mr. Soft and Fuzzy, you go and say something like that,” I chided, removing my hand and sitting back on my stool. Even then, I wanted to lean back over and kiss that coldness out of him. My feelings for Wade were going haywire, amplified by a sudden need for human contact, brought on by my sadness over the letter and Marjorie discovering that her foster parents no longer remembered who she was. It was a fate almost worse than death, being forgotten like that by those we loved. It reminded us that life was short, and we should grab the proverbial bull by the horns. Or, as Santana would say, by the cojones.
“You seemed upset,” he said, taking me aback. “I thought that, if I said something like that, it might make you feel better. I’ve seen most of the Rag Team sad before, and I know how to comfort them, but with you… I don’t know what to do. I’m not cold, you know. I’m just good at hiding my emotions from people. Not you—well, most of the time—but everyone else.”
I gaped at him in utter confusion. I hadn’t seen this soft, vulnerable side of him before, and I couldn’t decide if I adored it or I wanted to run from it. It was easier to deal with my feelings when he was in business mode, all stern looks and steely eyes. Honestly, this squishiness made me like him even more, if such a thing was possible. My little onion has himself some hidden layers. And they were about to make me tear up.
“There… you’re doing it again,” he said, a worried expression on his face. “Is something wrong?”
I wish I could tell you…
“It’s just dealing with Marjorie and Isadora and my parents and trying to stop Jacob from beating himself up about his mistakes,” I half-lied.
“Stay where you are. Don’t move a muscle,” he replied. Frozen to the spot, I didn’t move as he scooted his stool closer to mine and pulled me toward him. His arms smoothed around my shoulders, folding me up in his embra
ce, his chin resting lightly on the top of my head. Slowly, I let my arms wrap around his waist and buried my face in his neck, inhaling the spicy-sweet scent of him as I let him hold me. Time seemed to slow down, the rest of the world falling away, leaving only the two of us.
After a few minutes, I lifted my head up. Our faces were practically touching as he looked down into my eyes. A couple of inches forward and his lips would be on mine. He swallowed as I held his gaze, his hands lifting up to cup my face as we sat there. With my palms now pressed firmly to his chest, I could feel his heartbeat again—it was thudding hard against his ribcage, as though trying to beat out a secret message in Morse code. Kiss me?
“We should go and get that coffee,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “You look tired, Merlin.”
My heart sank as he moved his hands away and released me from his comforting arms. He had been so close to kissing me, I was almost sure of it. But now… well, now, I was back at square one, left to wonder about the “and then what?” of our relationship. Relationship—don’t make me laugh. It was more like a constant exercise in mental aerobics, trying to figure him out. Just when I thought I was starting to break through the ice that surrounded him, he pushed me away. Then again, maybe that was for the best. If I shared my feelings and then he rejected me, or he confessed that he felt the same way—what would happen then?
I had no idea what it meant to be in a relationship, having never actually experienced one. My track record with all relationships, romantic or otherwise, wasn’t exactly exemplary. All my life, I’d been handed off to one person or another, never staying longer than a couple of years. If Wade and I became an item, would the same thing happen? It scared me as much as it thrilled me. More than anything, I wanted to find out.
Six
Astrid
“Keep your eyes closed,” Garrett said, close to my ear. I walked awkwardly forward, feeling stiff and uncomfortable as his hands guided me. Romance of any kind, not just with handsome renegades, was an entirely new concept to me, especially when said renegade had his hands on my shoulders. Touching bare skin, no less! I didn’t know whether to pepper-spray him or hug him.
He’d texted me late last night, asking if he could take me out on a sunrise date. Naturally, the word “date” terrified the bejesus out of me, since it entailed a social or romantic appointment or engagement. Dates were not my forte. I wasn’t even sure I liked meetings. Rendezvous were even less palatable. Besides, appointments usually made me think of dentists and doctors; and engagements… well, that didn’t seem like an appropriate thing to think about. Although it would certainly send Garrett running for the hills. The thought amused me as I let him push me forward.
Regardless, I liked to wake up early, so the time suited me, but I’d never had to get ready for a breakfast date before. Would there even be breakfast? I had no clue. I hoped so, because I usually kept to a tight schedule with my meals. Smartie was already beeping in my pocket, reminding me to take my vitamins. After you’ve been dead a couple of times, you learn that internal health is vitally important. However, I realized I hadn’t brought them with me. I hope my immune system doesn’t take too much of a knock. A few hours without wouldn’t hurt, right?
I’d been desperate to request Santana’s or Tatyana’s advice on this sort of thing, but by the time he’d messaged me, it had been much too late for me to go and ask for their help. Then again, most of what they usually talked about, when it came to romance, went over my head. I was still trying to figure out what Santana had meant about the “ghoulies” when talking about Tatyana’s date with Dylan. No doubt it was a sexual innuendo of some sort.
“Are we there yet?” I asked uncertainly.
He removed the blindfold that he’d helpfully placed over my eyes. I’d told him I was a known peeper, which had prompted him to bring the prop. I hoped it didn’t give him any ideas… There was no such thing as Fifty Shades of Astrid. I doubted I even had one shade.
“Now you can open your eyes,” he instructed.
I blinked to accommodate the change of light, letting my retinas do their miraculous thing. Beyond the interdimensional bubble of the coven, the sky was still dark, though an inkling of daylight was starting to emerge on the horizon. I thought of all the countries that had already had their sunrise and wondered if anyone else was doing what Garrett and I were.
Taking in the rest of my surroundings, I realized we were out in the dragon garden. The fountain trickled crystalline water onto the fanned-out shells below, its marble wings half-outstretched as though it intended to fly off as soon as it was finished spewing. On the floor beside it, a tartan picnic blanket had been spread out, with candles flickering in Mason jars all around it. I hope you didn’t take those jars from the Bestiary, Garrett.
“I thought we could have breakfast as the sun came up,” Garrett said, gesturing for me to sit. A cardboard box full of pilfered goods from the Banquet Hall sat in the center, though it all looked delicious: chocolate pastries, fresh fruit that had been cut to look like flowers, a cup of Greek yogurt, crusty white bread and berry jam, all to be washed down with the pitcher of orange juice beside the box.
“This is lovely,” I replied shyly.
“To be honest, I stole the idea from Dylan. I just replaced sunset with sunrise, and decided not to drag you out to some weird cemetery.” He shrugged. “I guess it’s down to personal taste. Tatyana likes ghosts. I didn’t think you would.”
I smiled. “Not particularly.”
“I wasn’t even sure you’d agree, what with it being so friggin’ early. I had to sneak into the kitchens to nab all this stuff.”
“I like to get up early, and I like breakfast. Consider me sold.”
“Cool. It’s all good then? Even with the stolen ideas and food?”
I nodded. “I think it’s cute. Plus, this is one of my favorite places in the coven, so you picked well.”
“Ah, that’s a relief. I was going to take you to the pool balcony, but I figured this was a little more… private.”
For what? I swallowed the thought and focused on him instead. In all my life, I’d never pictured myself with someone like him—someone handsome and roguish and a little edgy—but here I was, about to partake in a romantic breakfast. We’d had a few outings together, as a fledgling pair, and I’d come to like him a lot in that time. Where others tiptoed around things, he was blunt and honest. Even with the stolen ideas, he’d told me the truth instead of passing them off as his own. It was refreshing, to say the least.
“You know I like you, don’t you?” he asked suddenly, just as I was about to reach for a pastry.
I paused, mid-grab. “Well, I didn’t want to assume.”
“Because it makes an ass out of you and me?” He flashed me a grin.
“I would’ve looked silly if I’d thought you liked me and you didn’t, wouldn’t I?”
“See, this is why you’re so cool. You get me. You hear me say stupid crap and you don’t roll your eyes; you just… I don’t know. I guess you make sense of it.”
I took the pastry and tore off a small piece. “For the record, I like you, too.”
He grinned from ear to ear and leaned down to kiss me on the forehead. “You’ve got no idea how glad I am to hear you say that.”
“You didn’t know?” I flushed, my skin tingling where he’d kissed me.
“You’re a tough one to read, sometimes.”
I chuckled, looking up into his eyes. “Well, now you know.”
“You’re one of a kind, Astrid Hepler.” He held my shy gaze. “Seriously, you are. The way you do things, and the way you think about other people—it’s cool. Really cool. I wanted to thank you again for trying to stand up for me, by the way, about the body cams. I know I’ve told you before, but it meant a lot for you to defend me and the other Shapeshifters against Alton. We get a bad rap, and we don’t deserve it. Not all of us, anyway,” he went on, taking a strawberry and popping it into his mouth. I’d never seen anyone ea
t a strawberry in such a seductive manner. Nor had I ever wanted to be a strawberry so much.
“I know,” I said, watching him chew. “It wasn’t fair, what he did. And now you all have to go around with those things strapped to your chests, having to explain every time you turn it off temporarily to go to the bathroom. It seemed so hypocritical of him, when he’d vowed to protect you all from the coven’s judgment. Why go through the rigmarole of doing that for so long if he was just going to expose you in the end, anyway? That’s what I can’t understand. There had to have been another way.”
Garrett smiled bitterly. “I guess this was the easiest option. Surveillance.”
“Still, it doesn’t make it right.”
He turned to me. “No, it doesn’t.”
“I wonder what would happen if you took it off?”
“Is that a challenge?”
I stared at him. “No… I just meant… uh, I don’t actually know what Alton would do if you took it off. Would he come running? Would he send in the cavalry? I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”
“Because of me?”
“I suppose. For example, this date would be far more romantic if you weren’t wearing a piece of equipment on your chest, recording all of this.”
“Some people like that, you know?” he teased.
“Yeah, well, I’m not one of them.”
He laughed and reached down to the straps that held the camera in place. “Why don’t we hide it for a while—see what happens?”
“I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea.” I looked down at the fine detail of the blanket’s tartan weaving, temporarily distracted by the navy, red, and thin white bands crossing one another. “I wouldn’t want anyone coming and cutting our date short.”
He stopped fidgeting with the camera straps and moved his hands away. “You’re right. Neither would I.”
“I’m sorry you have to wear it, though.”
“I know you are. See, that’s another thing I like about you—you’re one of the most genuine people I think I’ve ever met.” He leaned over and tucked an escaped strand of curly hair back under the red-and-white spotted headband I was wearing. “I can tell you’ve got a good soul. It’s probably why you keep telling death to go screw itself—your soul is too good to leave this world.”
Harley Merlin 4: Harley Merlin and the First Ritual Page 6
