Off the Cuff

by K. I. Lynn

  I hated the way it made me look at him differently, when it shouldn’t. Maybe it was her. Liv. She was that perfect, rich Manhattan socialite, a good complement to Thane. The perfect arm candy for an executive of his standing.

  Why couldn’t he just claim us as his? What stopped him?

  Then she was gone, and Thane stood there, appearing lost in thought.

  “You okay?” I managed to ask, curiosity winning out.

  He nodded and gave a wistful sigh. “I was just thinking about how things could have been.”

  It felt like his words were a knife, spearing my chest and twisting in my heart. How things could have been with her. Not having to degrade himself with someone with a lower social standing.

  Was I just a placeholder, like with Pete? Someone to play house with until he found the right one?

  She had his number. She was going to call him. He wished things hadn’t ended.

  I didn’t mean enough to him.

  “Everything all right?”

  I smiled at him, but it was a forced smile. “Yep.”

  Inside, my heart was breaking. While I tried not to get too hopeful, too attached, it was obvious I had. I always knew I couldn’t rank high in Thane’s social or financial hierarchy. I made decent money, but nowhere near the level of his salary. Add in that he was a sexy single man, and me being a single mom, we didn’t mix.

  My feelings went far deeper than I imagined. No, that wasn’t right. They were deeper than I had acknowledged to myself. I’d long surpassed falling, and was unequivocally in love with him.

  Yet, I couldn’t help but question everything—our relationship especially—now that I’d met Liv. She’s the one he should be with. They were a perfect match. The only baggage she came with was a trauma they shared.

  My heart was heavy, and I needed space. My chest felt tight and breathing was hard. I needed to take a moment to myself, and with that I said to Thane, “I need to run back to my place real quick.”

  Thane’s surprise was apparent. We were cutting the day short. “Did you forget something?”

  “I’m just not feeling very well.”

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, coming to stand in front of me. He looked me over, but it was too close, too much.

  I stepped back to give myself the illusion of space. “I have a headache.” The most cliché excuse ever.

  We walked together out of the park in silence. I closed myself off, a wall of tension rising between us.

  “See you soon,” I said, trying to give him a reassuring smile, but I knew I was failing.

  He pulled me close, holding me tightly in his arms. “Why don’t I take care of Kinsey while you rest?”

  I tried to force a smile. “It’s okay, it’s her nap time, so we’ll both sleep.”

  “Then how about I come over in a few hours with dinner?”

  I could almost feel the desperation in his tone. “That sounds good.”

  With a last kiss to my lips, then to my forehead, he reluctantly stepped away.

  A dark pit formed in my stomach as I watched him leave. Thane seemed so affected by her. And that thought terrified me. I needed a chance to rebuild my walls.

  He was just biding his time until he got back together with her. It was like what Pete said—I just wasn’t worth it.

  After I locked the door, I lay down on my bed with Kinsey, hoping she’d fall asleep faster beside me.

  Meeting Liv, Thane’s ex who had once carried his child, had drained me. Thick, toxic thoughts had poured into my mind and heart, and I was struggling to rise above them. To believe in the feelings I knew we shared.

  But it was easier to believe the bad over the good.

  The week passed in a blur, and then Kinsey was officially one year old.

  The party was planned and her presents were wrapped. It wasn’t going to be much, because honestly, it was true that I had lost a lot of people when I took Kinsey in. Longtime friends stopped calling when I was no longer able to go out. People who I thought had my back had disappeared when I was no longer convenient.

  It always made me wonder what Pete told them, if he had badmouthed me, or if it really was just all because I had a baby.

  Kinsey’s birthday wouldn’t have much fanfare to it, and even though she wasn’t going to remember it, I was determined to make it a special day.

  Mom was coming over, as was Thane, and we were all going to the Central Park Zoo. Mom was making her a cake, and I couldn’t wait to watch her eat it.

  Her baby bestie, Oliver, was also coming with Lizzie and James, along with their older daughter, Bailey.

  By nine thirty we were almost ready to go.

  “It’s a very special day today,” I said to Kinsey as she looked up at me from the floor, a bottle in one hand and a block in the other. There was formula soaking into her onesie, and I was happy I hadn’t put her birthday dress on. “You’re a mess, nugget.”

  There was a knock on the door, and I gave Kinsey a surprised look. “Who is it? Grandma or Thane?”

  Thane had slept over, but he’d run back to his place for a shower and change. My heart was still heavy about him, and while we’d returned to some semblance of normal, I knew he could feel the shift. Was that why he slept with a near death grip on me?

  She kicked her feet excitedly and looked to the door. I smiled at her as I pulled the door open, but my good mood was instantly squashed.

  Her hair was almost brushed, but I could tell she was coming down from a high.

  “Hi, Roe,” Ryn said.

  “Ryn.” My jaw locked down as I glared at my sister. “What are you doing here?”

  “Um, well, it’s her birthday, right?” Ryn said, but it sounded like she wasn’t quite sure. “My baby’s.”

  “What if it is?”

  “Can I… can I please just tell her happy birthday? Please, Roe, she’s my baby.”

  Hearing her say it was like nails on a chalkboard. Yes, Ryn carried her for nine months, but I was Kinsey’s mother.

  “Five minutes,” I said, knowing I shouldn’t. The last time she showed up, it was a disaster. “That’s it.”

  “Thank yo—”

  “And you’re going to tell me how you’re not in jail right now.”

  She nodded and stepped forward. With reluctance, I stepped back. Everything was screaming in me that it was a bad idea, but then the part of me that cared about my sister reminded me that it was her daughter’s first birthday.

  “Hi, baby,” she said as she sat on the floor in front of Kinsey. Did she even know what her daughter’s name was?

  I rolled my eyes as I sat next to her.

  Kinsey’s attention was on the toy in her hand, but she looked up at Ryn, giving a high-pitched screech.

  “A year ago today it was just you and me, little one.”

  “Kinsey,” I said through clenched teeth.

  “What?” she asked.

  “Her name.”

  “Oh,” she said as she looked down at Kinsey. “I was going to name her Emma.”

  “Well, then you shouldn’t have abandoned her. Now tell me why you’re not in jail.”

  She swallowed hard. “I took a plea deal. Community service and parole to testify against them in exchange for no jail sentence. I told them they forced me, that I had no choice.”

  “Had no choice?” Those three words resonated inside me and the simmering anger exploded. She reached for Kinsey, and I yelled out. “Don’t you fucking touch her!”

  My raised voice upset Kinsey, and she began to cry. Ryn reached out again, but I scooped Kinsey up into my arms.

  “Roe…”

  “You told them where to go for a quick score,” I spat behind clenched teeth.

  Her eyes were wide. “I didn’t have a choice. Please, Roe.”

  “You had a choice, Ryn. You had a fucking choice to leave me out of your fucked-up life, but you just couldn’t do it. You had to drag me down, hurt me again.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”
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  She wasn’t understanding, because she was driven by the drugs. She chose to tell them about my apartment. She chose to help them break into my home.

  “Get out!” I yelled.

  “Please, Roe, just let me explain.”

  “Explain? Explain?” I seethed. “You brought those men to my house. To what? Were they going to rape me before they took off with all of my stuff? Or were they going to take me?” The sound of one of them crashing into the bathroom door, trying to get in, filled my ears. “Did you promise them a woman as well? How much stash did they give you in exchange? Or was it just the bruises from pushing you down and hitting you?”

  “I didn’t know they were going to do all that.”

  “But you knew they were going to rob me! You brought them to where your daughter—your daughter—lives and gave no shits about what happened to her. You are despicable, and I want you out.”

  “Roe, please.” She had tears streaming down her face, but they weren’t going to soften my anger. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry.”

  I glared at her. “Sorry won’t fix it this time. Sorry won’t fix what little trust that remained between us that your actions shattered into millions of tiny pieces.”

  “Everything all right?” Thane called out from the doorway, startling Ryn and making her jump.

  “I should go,” she said.

  “Yes, you should. And don’t come back,” I hissed. “After what you did, I don’t want to see you again.”

  “Roe, no. I don’t have anyone,” she pleaded.

  “And whose fault is that? Now, get out.”

  She nodded, tears welling in her eyes. She gave one last look back. “I really am sorry. For everything.”

  As soon as she was gone, as soon as the door was closed, a sob left me and we fell into Thane’s arms.

  “Shh, calm down. It’s okay,” Thane said, pulling me against his chest.

  “But it’s not. It’s not okay, and now she’s seen you and she’s just going to do it all over again.” If I had any doubts before about adopting Kinsey and making her fully legally mine, they were gone. Kinsey was my daughter, and nobody was going to take her from me.

  “It’s okay. We’ll be fine.” He placed a kiss on top of my head, his arms securely holding us up.

  The effect of his embrace hit both me and Kinsey.

  Why was there always such peace in his arms? How was it he always made me feel loved and cared for? I felt secure in his warmth.

  After Ryn’s surprise arrival, it took Roe a while to calm down. By the time her mom arrived, she was back to celebration mode.

  Kinsey had a great day, having no understanding what was going on, but she did take a hilarious and adorable face dive into her cake when that first taste of sugar hit.

  Which was followed shortly by Oliver doing something similar. They were both covered in icing in seconds.

  “This has been nice,” James said as he stepped up next to me. “Thank you for inviting us.”

  I nodded. “It’s been a great day.”

  “You two are getting quite cozy.”

  The words hit me hard, and not in a good way. I covered it up, because I refused to acknowledge my growing worry at the walls that Roe had built back up after our run-in with Liv. “And?”

  “Lizzie thinks you’ll make beautiful babies, and she can’t wait. I think she’s getting baby fever.”

  I quirked a brow at him. “Lizzie is? Are you sure it isn’t you that wants more little Donovans?” I asked, a chuckle leaving me as I watched Kinsey stick her whole hand into her mouth.

  He grinned. “It’s a team effort.”

  “What kind of team? Baseball?” I asked.

  “Not that many, ass. When we first started dating, Lizzie told me she wanted four kids, and time is flying. We’re not getting any younger.”

  Bailey was sitting nearby, happily munching on a piece of cake and making faces at Kinsey and Oliver. They both giggled before returning to their sugary treats.

  I wanted more times like this with our friends and their families. Again, that unease rolled in my stomach.

  “Go for a girl. I bet Bailey would love a baby sister.”

  James started like he suddenly remembered something. “Lizzie reminded me that Roe’s birthday is coming up, and we didn’t know if there was anything planned for that.”

  Roe’s birthday was soon? How did I not know? “It is?” The slice of pain this news brought me was swift and deep. I was beginning to see that when Roe put walls around herself, she fortified them until they were nearly impenetrable.

  He nodded. “She’s a Halloween baby.”

  “That explains some things.”

  “Like how she put a spell on you?” James said with a chuckle.

  “Asshole.”

  “Pretty sure that’s your name.” He continued to taunt me.

  “Then what’s yours?”

  He grinned at me. “That’s between me and my wife.”

  A few hours later, we were carting a sugar-coma’ed one-year-old out of the zoo and back toward home. Roe said goodbye to her mom before she headed to the station, and we continued on to her apartment.

  “Good day today.”

  Roe smiled. “It was. Kinsey got lots of presents. Yours may be the best. I love it. She’s going to get so much use out of it.”

  “I’m really glad you like it, because shopping for a one-year-old is not easy.” Kinsey was almost walking, and I’d found a toy where the wheels could flip, and it could change from a rocker to a riding or push toy.

  “And I can’t believe that dress you got her. It’s beautiful. I don’t know when she’ll ever wear it.”

  “It’s just a dress. Cloth. She can wear it whenever. Every girl needs to feel like a princess now and then.”

  Roe moved a fussy Kinsey into the bathroom, stripping her as the tub filled up. I leaned against the doorframe, watching as she patiently cared for the beautiful little girl who had taken over both our hearts.

  I was still stunned at the amazing woman I called mine. The way she was with Kinsey told me she would be the most wonderful mother to my children as well. And fuck, if that idea didn’t make me want to drag her to bed and make some.

  “What sounds good for dinner, baby?” I asked just as Kinsey splashed the water, hitting Roe right in the face. It was hard to hold back my laugh, but Roe didn’t seem to notice, her attention on Kinsey.

  “I’m still so full of cake. I might just whip up some toast or something small.”

  “There’s that tapas place down the street. I could get us something from there?”

  “That could work.”

  “How about you and Kinsey come stay at my place tonight?” I twisted, trying to work the kink out of my muscles that had bothered me all day. “Your bed kills my back.”

  “I’d prefer if we stayed here; all of Kinsey’s stuff is here. It just makes things easier.”

  That made a thought strike my brain, and I wondered if it were possible.

  “You should go sleep at your place. It’s fine. I don’t want your back to hurt. We can just see you in the morning.”

  There it was again. That push.

  The thinly veiled, passive-aggressive, very unlike Roe words that only solidified my growing concern that she was pushing me away.

  I needed to do something to open her back up, to gain the ground I’d for some reason lost.

  The next morning my back felt better, but my heart did not. I hated the distance that separated us both physically and emotionally. After having some coffee and before heading over to Roe’s, I pulled out my phone.

  If I was going to pull off my idea, I needed help from the one woman who was always there for me.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said.

  “Is everything all right?”

  I shook my head. We always talked on Sunday nights, so I was certain a midday call set off all sorts of internal alarms.

  “I’m fine. How are things there?”

  �
��Good. Trying to get your brother’s schedule together so he’ll come home for Thanksgiving. Maybe you can talk to him.”

  “I bet if I sweeten the pot with first-class tickets, you’ll have all the information you need in an hour.”

  “You shouldn’t spoil him like that. But if you two could get a flight together, that would be great.”

  “About that.”

  “You’re not coming?” she asked, picking up on my subtle cue.

  “I’m not sure if my girlfriend can travel for the holiday, so I may stay here with her.”

  “Girlfriend? Thane Alexander Carthwright, are you holding out of me? When did this happen?”

  My face was starting to hurt from the ear-to-ear grin at her reaction. Roe was special. The meet-the-parents kind of special. But I knew with Kinsey that a long weekend in North Carolina was probably not in the cards, but maybe Christmas.

  “Her name is Roe. She works for the same company I do, and she’s a spitfire. You’ll love her.”

  “Sounds like it. Why don’t you bring her down with you?”

  Ah, the complicated part.

  “That’s mostly why I’m calling you. I need some help setting up a baby’s room.”

  “You got her pregnant?” she asked in a high-pitched shrill.

  Of course, she would jump to that.

  “No, she has a baby, and I want to set up one of my extra bedrooms for her so they can stay the night with me. Her apartment is tiny.”

  There was silence for a moment before a calmer version came back on the line. “You’re dating a woman who has a child? That’s… Thane, are you sure about her?”

  “More sure than anything.”

  “But a baby? What if she’s using you for your money?” she asked. Having known my last girlfriend, I had a feeling she was thinking I might be with another Liv.

  “That’s not what’s going on. Trust me, it was hard enough just getting a date out of her, and that involved rescuing her from an assault on her home by some drug dealers.”

  “Drug dealers? Thane, what in the world have you gotten yourself mixed up in?”

  “A great relationship with a selfless woman who took in a baby that wasn’t even hers and lost a lot to save her from her drug-addict mother.”