Nemesis

by Margit Sandemo

  He took her trunk and managed to open the door. Jessica became dizzy and leaned her head against his shoulder while he rushed towards the outer door. And here she was, bleeding from all her wounds, what would he think?

  “She’ll be back when she’s well,” he shouted to the surprised staff, who had gathered in the hall.

  It was a slightly chilly evening in spring. Tancred had to ask the guards to put the semi-conscious Jessica on the horse. They were compassionate and helped to tuck the blanket around her so that she was covered from head to toe. Only her face was uncovered. Then they fastened the trunk to the saddle’s girth and left.

  Tancred sensed immediately that he could not ride as fast as he wanted to. She moaned at every movement so they had to ride at a very slow pace.

  He ought to have ordered a coach for her. As a matter of fact, he should not have brought her out. Cecilie was right in this respect.

  But now it was too late. And she was definitely going home to Gabrielshus, no matter what!

  It was, however, going to be a long journey, especially now they rode at a snail’s pace. Maybe they ought to stop on the way? Was that the right thing to do?

  No, he would not make a stop. It was either make or break.

  Jessica had gained consciousness. She had terrible pains because he held her aching body so tightly, and she had an excruciating pain in her back and shoulders because she was sitting so awkwardly. But she did not have such a bad headache. It was normally about now, late afternoon, that her head was in less pain.

  But at night ... She dreaded the night.

  She stole a glance at this stranger, who was her friend, Tancred. She had thought so much about him and missed him awfully. Now there was not much of a boy left in his strong face. She would no longer venture to laugh or joke or even be sentimental with him.

  She could not believe that this man with the painfully bitter face was the boy with a cold, who had written such poetic little notes to her. This masterful man would never be able to catch a cold because he was much too strong and self-confident for that, she felt.

  Oh, no! Now she was bleeding again. In recent weeks, her period had been irregular and they had frightened her more than all her other aches and pains. What was she to do? She would rather die than say anything about it to Tancred, who was such a stranger.

  She moaned and he stopped the horse. They had left Copenhagen a long while ago and large fields with groves here and there lay scattered in front of them.

  “How are you doing?” he asked gently.

  A slight moan was all she had the courage for. “Thanks for the letter,” she whispered shyly.

  “Oh, that! Have you forgiven me?”

  “I did that a long time ago. Have you forgiven me?”

  “I already did that on the way back from Jutland. But I never found you. Mum thought that you didn’t want to see me again because of the way I behaved towards you. I was very young and immature then, you see.”

  She just smiled a painful smile. She experienced a fit of dizziness again and was unable to answer.

  The stranger who held her in such a firm grip continued, “I thought that we should ... that there was a lot that we needed to settle, which was why I tried to find you. On the other hand, I also thought that maybe you’d forgotten that little story. Because it wasn’t anything really, was it?”

  His pleading tone of voice was lost on her. She had to struggle to think clearly at all, which she was completely unable to.

  He cautiously spurred the horse on once more. It was now dusk.

  He felt slightly hurt at her silence. Matter-of-factly, he said, “This is the best way, Jessica, that you come to our place. Getting in touch with you in that house was impossible. Actually, I tried once before but they turned me down. Ulfeldt must be hysterical.”

  Jessica had recovered a bit from her dizzy spell and answered with difficulty, “He is. He’s forgotten everything but his own wrongdoings.”

  Although she did not sit comfortably, Jessica was afraid to move in case it would make her bleed again. She was filled with sorrow. Tancred was probably right when he said that the experience they had shared was insignificant. Yet, it had been the beginning of their falling in love, and it had been pure and clear as a spring day.

  Once again she felt confused, dizzy and frightened. Tancred could feel that she was collapsing in his arms.

  No, this would not go on any longer. It was as if she was about to die in his hands.

  There was an inn further along. He was bound to arrive there in a short while. But that particular inn ...?

  He felt slightly ill at ease.

  Jessica needed to rest. His personal considerations would have to wait.

  What if it was already too late to save her?

  What if he had wasted all her chances by dragging her out on this demanding journey?

  Since she was still unconscious, he spurred the horse on a bit more. When the inn appeared, with lights in all the windows, he heaved a sigh of relief.

  He rode into the courtyard but refused to go into the taproom. The innkeeper came out immediately.

  “Mr. Tancred. Are you out this late?”

  “Yes, do you have a nice, clean room for me? I’ve got a very sick girl with me and she needs your care so I’ll stay with her. No, don’t be afraid. It’s nothing contagious.”

  At least he did not think it was. No, that was impossible, because she had been sick for far too long for that.

  The innkeeper promised to get him everything he needed. He took care of Jessica while Tancred got off his horse.

  After glimpsing Jessica’s face, the innkeeper said, “Good heavens. She’s in a bad way! And she weighs hardly anything. Shall I wake up my wife?”

  “No, I don’t think that will be necessary. All she needs is some rest tonight before we continue home.”Tancred hesitated. “Is he here?” he mumbled.

  “I haven’t seen him in a couple of days,” whispered the innkeeper.

  Tancred seemed clearly relieved. Once again, he took Jessica in his arms and followed the innkeeper up the back entrance.

  The room was small but neat and was sparsely furnished with a double bed, a table and chair by the window, and nothing else.

  “I’ll bring a jug of warm water so that you can get washed. Do you want anything to eat?”

  “Yes, please, and a tankard of beer. I don’t think she wants anything.”

  The innkeeper left and Tancred put Jessica down on the one half of the bed.

  That was when he saw that his trousers were red with blood. ‘Oh, gosh!’ he thought. ‘What do I do now?

  Call the innkeeper’s wife?’

  No, he would not let Jessica suffer an even greater shame.

  Tancred had enough intuition to understand how Jessica must have felt during the troublesome ride. Horrified because of the bleeding and too shy to mention it to Tancred, who, after all, was a stranger. Afraid that he would discover it....

  Poor little Jessica.

  But this was a dilemma. How was he to deal with this situation?

  Tancred’s harsh life as a soldier allowed no room for little, frail women and their problems. Even so, Cecilie had taught him a lot about being mindful and considerate. So, he decided to manage this alone without help from anybody. The fewer who knew about this, the better for Jessica.

  He swallowed deeply and removed the blanket from her. He gasped with horror.

  She was only in her nightclothes, which could not conceal the horrible running sores that covered her entire body. Filled with compassion, Tancred saw that she had tried to dress the wounds in a completely helpless way. He could only imagine her sense of loneliness and anxiety in the face of this horror.

  “Good God,” he whispered.

  The innkeeper’s steps could be heard on the stairs. Tancred quic
kly put the blanket over her once more.

  “Well? How are you doing?” said the innkeeper. “Has she regained consciousness?”

  “No, not yet. Tell me, have you got some clean sheets that I could have? I’ll gladly pay for them because I probably have to tear them up. She has some sores ...”

  That was putting it mildly but he wanted to protect his shy little “Molly.” He remembered her from the time when she was Molly to him. How timid and considerate she had been. Now he was to return her generosity.

  The innkeeper went out to fetch the sheets and Tancred wiped the perspiration from his brow.

  If only he was at home with his mother, Cecilie!

  She always knew what to do.

  All Tancred felt was how big, strong and tough he was and how utterly helpless he was in the face of this delicate situation.

  At the Ulfeldt couple’s farm in Copenhagen, “Ella” was preparing a tray, which was to be taken to the bedrooms.

  The maid, who usually carried them upstairs, said curtly, “You don’t have to prepare a mug with milk for Miss Jessica.”

  ‘Oh, dear. Has she already died?’ thought Ella. ‘What a ...! I had so much to tell her! I wanted to make her suffer with my words. Was she so frail that she could not even stand the small amount she was given?’

  “Why isn’t she to have any milk?” asked Ella innocently.

  “Because Miss Jessica is no longer here. A noble horseman fetched her and rode away with her on his horse.”

  The girl giggled.

  “You must be joking,” said “Ella.”

  “No, it’s true! He scolded everybody, even Leonora Christina, because they let Jessica lie there to die.”

  “But who was he?”

  “I’ve no idea. But he promised that she’d be back when she was well. I really hope so because little Eleonora Sofia is terribly upset right now, crying and asking for her nanny. But she’s left. So you can drink the milk yourself this evening” she said, pointing at the mug before leaving.

  ‘Not likely,’ thought Ella. She quickly poured away every drop before rinsing the mug thoroughly. Anger and disappointment raged in her. She had no idea that Jessica had a suitor.

  If she had, who would it be ....?

  That puppyish, handsome boy ... What was his name? “Tancred?”

  That had been a long time ago.

  But he had said that Jessica would be back. That was good. Then Ella would most likely stay on a bit still even if the work was humiliating and just consisted of an endless series of indignities.

  Slowly, Jessica regained consciousness once more.

  The narrow rafters on the roof were so new to her, and the window so small.

  Somebody was bent over and washing her.

  Nice, warm water, gentle hands ...

  She awoke fully. Tancred!

  “Oh, dear,” she moaned but could not find anything close by to cover herself with.

  “Now, now, Jessica,” he said. “It has to be done. How long have you had these sores?”

  She quelled a sigh of shame. “They began as a rash, and then grew gradually worse.”

  “But why didn’t you say anything?”

  “I didn’t dare to,” she whispered.

  Typical Jessica! She would rather let people step all over her than burden anyone with her problems.

  “I’ve ripped up a sheet,” he said. “I’ll try to dress the worst sores.”

  She could feel that he had already dressed her one leg. It felt good.

  Tancred looked very embarrassed. “You had ... bled a lot,” he said awkwardly. “So I ...put clean clothes on you.”

  Tears were trickling down Jessica’s cheeks. “Thank you,” she said with a stifled voice.

  Tancred looked at her with a quick, sympathetic smile and then turned away. “I didn’t want to call anybody. I thought that would make you feel even more embarrassed.”

  So that was what he thought! Men! They always reasoned in a round-about way.

  But he only meant well, so she didn’t say anything. She just let him tend to the rest of her sores.

  “Where are we?” she whispered. “At your home?”

  “No, no. At an inn. We’re halfway there, though. I didn’t want to ride any further with you because you seemed so exhausted. Right! Now you’re done!”

  He covered her with a duvet, and she sighed with relief. She knew very well how emaciated she was and how disgusting she looked. Just when she needed to be beautiful!

  Tears filled her eyes once more but she wiped them away quickly.

  “Tancred, what do you think is wrong with me? I’m so scared.”

  “I’ve no idea, Jessica. I’ve never seen anything like this before. But everything will be better once we get home. We’ll soon have a doctor visit us. He’ll probably be able to say what’s wrong with you. Do you want something to eat?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “A little beer?”

  “Yes, thank you very much, if I may. Is it night now?”

  “No, it’s late in the evening.”

  “It’s strange, Tancred. I don’t have such a bad headache. Nor any pains in my stomach. Normally, it's at this time of day when the pain sets in, often so badly that it drives me practically mad. But it will probably come, I suppose.”

  No matter how much she tried, she found it very difficult to talk to him in a natural way. She felt too ashamed.

  “I’ll fetch some fresh beer.”

  “No, you don’t need to...”

  But he had already left.

  Jessica remained in bed, her eyes closed. She felt how she was feeling drowsy and at the same time her shyness was disappearing. Everything was so peaceful, just blessedly peaceful ...

  She started at the sound of voices.

  Tancred’s voice was outside the door. And another male voice. They sounded angry. Tancred’s voice certainly did. It sounded tense and tortured.

  “Leave me in peace! Can we never have peace?”

  The other voice was older and threatening. Ominously threatening.

  “Now, the young squire must take it easy. You know what will happen!”

  “But I can’t go on!”

  “Of course you can. And you can do much more. This is only the beginning.”

  “You’re lying! It isn’t true.”

  “So? The proofs are still in my care. Shall we make it Saturday, then? Here, as usual?”

  “I’ll kill you,” moaned Tancred. “You’re an absolute devil!”

  “I’m just a poor man who needs to make a living. I don’t think you’ll kill me, Mr. Tancred. You’re too well-mannered for that.”

  He laughed softly and very tellingly. Then his steps disappeared down the stairs. Jessica heard Tancred take a deep breath before he entered.

  “Here’s some beer for you.”

  “Thank you, Tancred. I’m feeling so much better now.”

  “That’s good. Now, sit up – careful. I’ll support you.”

  He held her so that she could drink.

  “Thanks,” she gasped and leaned back again.

  He kept standing, unsure.

  “Jessica. I’ll have to stay here with you tonight. I don’t want to leave you on your own. Is that all right with you?”

  She started. “Certainly,” she said calmly. “The bed is huge and I’d feel much safer if you were here.”

  His face brightened. She turned away while he undressed. Then she felt him climb into the bed and the candle was put out.

  They lay in darkness, gazing at the ceiling.

  “Are you in pain?”

  “No, I’m not. I don’t understand – the nights are usually the worst. Of course, it aches here and there but that’s nothing compared to what it used to be.”

 
Tancred took her hand under the duvet. “You’ll see that this is because of my calming influence,” he said with a smile.

  “Yes, of course. Only I didn’t want to say so. I don’t want to make you conceited.”

  However, they were unable to maintain the jolly atmosphere. They were far too anxious for that. They lay silently for a long time. Neither of them slept.

  “You’re weeping” said Tancred, turning towards her.

  “It’s nothing. I was just slightly upset.”

  “Why? Because you’re sick?”

  “Well, because of that too, yes. But when you’re frail, thoughts that you’re normally able to ignore weigh on you.”

  “Tell me about them!”

  “No.”

  “Jessica. This is what’s wrong with you. You’re too hesitant. You keep everything to yourself and trust no one. It was the same the first time we met. You were silent then about who you were, like when you were at the Ulfeldts. I just don’t understand how you could keep quiet about your serious illness. And I certainly don’t understand how no one in the household ever discovered it.”

  “Oh, well. Several had noticed how emaciated and frail I looked, and they would probably have helped me. But I said that it was nothing important.”

  “Well, that’s exactly what you do. You must learn to confide in others.”

  “I can’t imagine anyone being interested in me, you see? That’s why I’m so sad right now. I’m a non-entity, Tancred!”

  “What do you mean by that?”

  “I feel completely insignificant. People don’t notice me at all – as if I’m not there. Everybody else is so strong and self-confident. Leonora Christina, your mother – everybody! Even the servants at the Ulfeldt’s household are self-assured and know what to do. I’m not like that.”

  “No – because you’re considerate all the time, which is sweet of you, but you mustn’t be so self-obliterating!”

  Jessica was silent for a moment. “Now and then I’m not so sure whether it’s genuine, selfless consideration. Sometimes I think it’s because I want others to like me.”

  “Of course, there’s a touch of selfishness in everything we do,” said Tancred with a deep, calm and masculine voice, which made her happy.