Carnival Chaos

by Ron Bates

  The contraption turned out to be, well… Cuphead wasn’t really sure what it was. In some ways, it looked like a carousel, which is to say it did the things that carousels do. But if you came to it hoping to find painted ponies and bouncy, cheerful music, you would be deeply disappointed.

  It wasn’t that kind of carnival, and this was not that kind of ride.

  “Jeepers,” Cuphead said to himself.

  He stared at the mysterious attraction. The decorative outer rim was made of bones. The poles were made of bones. Every single horse was made of bones.

  “Climb aboard,” a terrible voice said. “You’re just in time.”

  Cuphead turned and looked at the ride operator, a skeleton horse wearing a green visor and red bow tie. (He was also made of bones.)

  “The name’s Phear Lap,” the operator said. “Welcome to the Scary-Go-Round.”

  Cuphead gulped.

  “Um… I was just looking for someone. But I think he went somewhere else.”

  Phear Lap pulled a handle, and an eerie tune oozed from a speaker. A moment later, the repulsive ride crept slowly around—and there was the turtle, gently bobbing up and down on the back of one of the bony ponies. Both horse and rider turned and gave Cuphead an evil grin.

  “Enjoy the ride,” Phear Lap said.

  Cuphead took a nervous step forward. He didn’t feel good about this. For one thing, the ride didn’t look healthy—in fact, it looked downright malnourished. What if it collapsed? What if it was haunted? What if a giant dog came along and buried the whole thing in the backyard? There was a lot to think about, but unfortunately, he didn’t have the time. Elder Kettle’s party was in less than an hour, and he’d been through too much today to turn back now.

  “Are these good horses?” he asked.

  “Real thorough-deads,” Phear Lap said.

  Surprisingly, that didn’t help.

  Cuphead steadied himself, picked out the least nightmarish mare he could find, and jumped. Luckily, the horse he landed on was not far from the turtle. He reached out for her, but the bone-riding buckaroo quickly moved to another mount. The chase was on. Cuphead stood up on the back of his horse (he’d seen this done in cowboy pictures a hundred times) and made a magnificent leap onto another saddle. The turtle moved again. Cuphead followed. And so it went, with the two of them jumping around the ride like two kings on an undead checkerboard. Finally, the turtle had had enough. She ducked her head inside her shell and plunged off the ride onto the pavement. The shell bounced, skidded, rolled, and eventually stopped. The turtle immediately popped back out and began running away. Which meant it was time for Cuphead to make his own leap from the Scary-Go-Round, and just when he was about to—

  VRRRRROOOOOMMMMM!

  Everything got faster.

  “Hold on tight,” Phear Lap wheezed. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride.”

  The whole contraption spun like a record player set to high speed. Even the music was faster. The horse Cuphead was riding bucked and writhed, twisting in all directions. Cuphead hugged the pole as tightly as he could as the world outside the ride became nothing but a blur.

  “Stop!” he yelled.

  “What’s that? You say you want to go faster?” Phear Lap wheezed. “Well, anything you say.”

  He reached down and grabbed the lever in front of him. On it were marked the words SPIN, STIR, BLEND, PUREE, LIQUEFY, and DISCOMBOBULATE. He pushed the lever to the very end.

  Suddenly, the killer carousel turned round and round so fast it looked like the inside of a washing machine. It was impossible to tell where one horse started and the other ended. And if that weren’t bad enough (and it almost certainly was), a band of skeleton outlaws fell from the roof and landed on the bone horses. They surrounded Cuphead, and one of them threw a rope around him, and just when it looked like this would be the end—

  Cuphead escaped. How, you ask? Well, it wasn’t easy. But as luck would have it, Cuphead was a regular listener and big-time fan of the Wyatt Burp: Rootin’ Tootin’ Root Beer Mug radio program. As you know, Wyatt was constantly getting into jams involving outlaws, and he always managed to get the best of them. Fortunately, Cuphead had heard all 527 episodes, including the 43 that dealt specifically with skeleton outlaws, and the 11 involving creepy carousels. Anyway, it goes without saying that, with that kind of background, it was a simple matter of using what he’d learned to turn the tables on the bad guys. Explaining it would be much too complicated; you’d be far better off listening to the Wyatt Burp broadcasts yourself, and then it will all make perfect sense.

  But for now, the important thing to know is that Cuphead burst out of the spinning Scary-Go-Round still riding his skeleton horse, and it was a very impressive sight. The two of them knocked over Phear Lap as they galloped past him in pursuit of the turtle, and they never looked back.

  Now, as it happened, this particular skeleton horse was every bit as fast as he was disgusting, so they were able to gain a lot of ground in practically no time at all. They weaved through the crowd with Cuphead gripping the reins and guiding the horse this way and that way. Then, when Cuphead looked to his right, he saw a turtle running down a side path. And when he looked to his left, he saw another turtle running down another side path. It was all very confusing until he noticed that Ms. Chalice and Mugman were trailing along behind them.

  “Whoa!” Cuphead yelled, pulling back on the reins. The horse locked down his hooves and they slid to a stop.

  “Look over there!” Ms. Chalice said. They all did.

  It was the third turtle, the one Cuphead had been chasing. She was standing in the center of the midway holding out Elder Kettle’s watch. (Cuphead made a mental note never to trust a turtle—they were nothing but shells and sticky fingers.) But the worst part was, she wasn’t alone.

  Standing alongside the turtle was a regular who’s who of hoodlumism. Everyone was there: Beppi the Clown, Brineybeard, Hopus Pocus, Djimmi the Great, Sally Stageplay, Cala Maria, Mr. Chimes, and the cigar-chomping, derby-wearing duck who had stolen the watch in the first place. Beppi reached down and took the precious treasure from the turtle.

  “So, we meet again,” Beppi said to the trio. He handed the watch to the duck. “Take this. You know what to do.”

  The duck nodded. Then he looked at Cuphead.

  “Don’t feel bad, kid. It’s only a year until your friend’s next birthday,” he said. “And you know what they say—time flies!”

  It was an excruciating pun (the Odd Ducks would’ve loved it), but it was also true. Time really did fly, and the blabbering bird intended to prove it. He tucked the magnificent timepiece under his derby and carried it high into the air. Then, in the ultimate insult, he left it in the one place where Cuphead could never, ever get to it.

  He hung it from the very highest point on the Dizzy Borden!

  Cuphead gasped.

  “Well, what are you waiting for?” said Beppi. “Go get it—unless you’re scared!”

  Scared? Cuphead didn’t know the meaning of the word. Then he took a long look at the Dizzy Borden and realized he was willing to learn.

  The Dizzy Borden was a sleek, sinister roller coaster that zoomed around a looping, twisting, stomach-turning track. It reached heights that would give a mountain goat a nosebleed. It was dangerous. It was evil. It was rage on a rail.

  And speaking of rage…

  “Who you callin’ scared?” Ms. Chalice seethed. “We ain’t scared of nothin’!”

  The nerve of some people. Ms. Chalice wasn’t about to let some smart-alecky clown tell her what she could or couldn’t do. So without so much as a by-your-leave, she grabbed Cuphead and Mugman by their collars and pulled them toward the roller coaster.

  Cuphead couldn’t believe this was happening. His master plan was falling apart. From the very beginning, Elder Kettle’s birthday had been his excuse for not going on the roller coaster. And now his birthday present was the thing forcing him onto the beast? It couldn’t be! Fate would not be that crue
l.

  “We’ll show them who’s scared,” Ms. Chalice muttered. “And that know-it-all frog better stay out of our way, too.”

  Frog? Of course, the frog! Cuphead’s eyes lit up. In order to ride the roller coaster, they’d have to get past R. U. Bigenuf, the measuring frog. There was still a chance!

  R. U. Bigenuf was a large sign that looked like a frog wearing a polka-dot vest and a blue tailcoat. There was one posted outside every ride at the carnival. If you were taller than R. U.’s outstretched hand, that meant you could go on the ride. But if you were shorter, you’d have to wait until you were “Bigenuf.”

  Cuphead thought the shortest, squatiest thoughts he could think.

  “Holy mackerel!” Mugman said, and he gave a long whistle.

  They had arrived at the Dizzy Borden. The massive track towered above them, blocking out the sun and significantly dimming their hopes of a pain-free future.

  Cuphead pulled away from Ms. Chalice and waltzed right up to R. U. Bigenuf, glorious protector of the short and stumpy. He held his breath and moved in close to the sign, and though it was by only the smallest part of an inch, he just fit underneath R. U.’s hand.

  “You are NOT Bigenuf,” the sign said.

  Cuphead couldn’t contain himself.

  “Yay!” he said, leaping into the air.

  Unfortunately, he made his leap while he was still standing under the sign. His head bonked against R. U.’s hand, causing a tiny little lump to sprout. And while it wasn’t a very big lump—

  “You ARE Bigenuf. Congratulations!”

  —it added just enough height to put him on the ride. Defeat had been snatched from the jaws of victory, and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.

  “Come on, boys,” Ms. Chalice said. “We’ve got to go pick up our watch.”

  Pick up their watch? Had she just said, pick up their watch? Like it was something in Porkrind’s store instead of the most terrible, treacherous place in the world? Because if that’s what she said, then Cuphead had news for her—she was right.

  They did have to go pick up their watch.

  He didn’t know if it was Ms. Chalice’s words or the fact that he’d recently received a blow to the head from the wise and helpful R. U. Bigenuf (who was about so much more than measuring), but he suddenly realized that he’d been looking at this all wrong. It wasn’t about the roller coaster; it was about the watch. It had always been about the watch. Because as bad as this ride might be (and he was expecting something between a disaster and a tragedy), showing up at Elder Kettle’s party without a birthday gift would be even worse.

  Besides, he couldn’t let his friends go up there alone. They needed him. (And they’d never let him live it down.) So with their mission settled and their fate sealed, the three of them locked arms and marched out to meet the infamous Dizzy Borden.

  It would be a meeting none of them would ever forget.

  When they reached the loading platform, Dizzy was there waiting for them.

  “Oh good. Three new victims… I mean, er, riders,” the train said. “Now watch your step. I wouldn’t want anything BAD to happen to you.”

  Then it let out a laugh so chilling Cuphead thought they might have to wait for the spring thaw. Of all the villains they’d met in this place, nothing compared to the Dizzy Borden.

  They climbed into their seats.

  As soon as he sat down, Cuphead saw a seat belt with a silver buckle. He reached for it. It moved. He reached again, it moved again, and this time it retreated inside the seat and refused to come back out.

  The Dizzy Borden gave a low, guttural growl.

  “Everyone comfy?” it asked.

  “My safety belt just ran away from me,” said Cuphead.

  “Yes, it’s shy around new people,” said the train. “Ready?”

  “No!” Cuphead insisted.

  “Good!” yelled the train, and it took off with a burst of speed that nearly threw Cuphead out of the cart.

  He held on for dear life as they roared around the track. The train leaped through a fire ring, and spiraled through a corkscrew, and flipped upside down as they crossed a pit of hungry-looking alligators.

  “Woo-hoo! Wheee!” Ms. Chalice screamed. “Isn’t this fun, Cuphead?”

  Cuphead screamed as well, but in a slightly different tone. You see, he was dangling from the cart like a worm on a hook as the alligators snapped at him from below.

  “Help!” he yelled, and Mugman pulled him back inside.

  Just in time, too. Because up ahead was the part of the ride they’d been waiting for, a skyscraping loop de loop that would take them so close to the stars they’d be able to ask for autographs. That’s where they’d find Elder Kettle’s watch.

  The loop was a fiendishly impressive feat of irresponsible engineering, the kind of thing you’d build only if your goal were to make sure hospitals did a brisk business. As Cuphead understood it, the train would rocket around the loop three times in a row, meaning they’d have three chances to grab the watch. If they failed to reach it by the third try—well, then they would’ve gone through all this for nothing.

  The Dizzy Borden picked up speed. First, it made a terrifying plunge, then shot up one side of the loop. Cuphead felt his eyes being pushed to the back of his head, but before that happened, he spotted the watch. It was hanging there, all gold and shimmering, just where the duck had left it. He grabbed for it as they barreled past but was a fraction of a second too late. Ms. Chalice and Mugman missed as well, and they braced themselves for the second pass.

  This time, Cuphead was sure they’d get it. He got into position and leaned out at exactly the right angle. But just as he made his reach, the treacherous train whipped violently to the side, flinging him back into the cart. On the bright side, this meant Ms. Chalice could use his face as a stepping stool, a maneuver that gave her the extra length she needed to reach the chain. And she might’ve had it, too, if Mugman hadn’t grabbed for it at precisely the same moment, and the two of them collided.

  “Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!” the train laughed as the three of them lay there in a helpless, tangled heap. “Last chance. Don’t blow it!”

  And even though he knew the train was trying to be rude, Cuphead couldn’t have agreed more.

  “Last chance,” he said. “Let’s not blow it.”

  They nodded and got ready for their third go-round on the loop de loop.

  This was it. The final pass. The train sneered and streaked down the track like a meteor. As they blazed toward the watch, Ms. Chalice moved to the edge of the cart—or tried to. Suddenly, her seat belt cinched up like a vise, squeezing her so tightly she could barely breathe. She tried to free herself, but it was no use. She’d been taken out of commission.

  Fortunately, Cuphead and Mugman had a plan. Mugman would hold Cuphead’s ankles while he leaned all the way out of the coaster and grabbed the watch. It was risky, but it had a good chance of working.

  Of course, the Dizzy Borden could never allow their plan to work out so easily.

  With Mugman holding and Cuphead reaching, the brothers began their acrobatic attempt. That’s when the front of the train leaped into the air, causing the carts behind it to snap like a whip. Mugman lost his grip and Cuphead found himself suspended in midair. He reached out just in time to grab hold of the very last cart. The coaster whipped back and forth trying to throw him, but Cuphead held on tight. Then, when the cart jerked to the right, Cuphead swung his legs to the left and—with only the tip of his toe, mind you—snagged the chain of the watch. He quickly kicked it into his waiting hand and crawled back into the cart.

  “You got it!” Ms. Chalice cheered.

  “Got it?” the train said. “Well, I’ll fix that!”

  Furious, the Dizzy Borden headed for the most perilous part of the track—the Chopper. The Chopper was a gigantic ax that swung just over the heads of the cart riders. At least, it was supposed to be over their heads. This time, things would be different. As they
headed toward the enormous ax, the friends felt their seats being lifted into the air. The gigantic ax was swinging toward them like a perilous pendulum!

  “Everybody out!” Ms. Chalice said, and with one great lunge, they leaped out of the cart and onto the Chopper.

  This was, at best, a temporary solution. When the ax swung outward, the three friends were flung into the air and out over the midway. They flew past Beppi and Brineybeard and Hopus and Sally and Djimmi and Cala Maria and Mr. Chimes and the derby-wearing duck, and kept right on going.

  “After them!” Beppi said.

  Cuphead was the first to come down. He crashed through the top of a tent, landing on a knife thrower in the middle of his act. Tragically, this caused one of his throws to go badly off course, and the knife sailed across the tent and shaved off half of Barnaby “the Human Cannonball” Muldoon’s handlebar mustache. And since perfect balance is essential when you’re being shot from a cannon, Barnaby’s now-lopsided nose-cozy caused him to miss the net entirely and land in Ernestine Elephant’s food trough.

  “Oops! Sorry!” Cuphead yelled, but the Human Cannonball was not in a forgiving mood. Neither was Ernestine.

  The two chased him around the tent.

  Meanwhile, one tent over, Ms. Chalice had her own troubles. She’d come down during a performance by the Yak-robats, who were just completing their world-famous fifteen-yak pyramid (or the “Yak Stack,” as they called it in the papers). Well, as you can imagine, it raised some eyebrows when a non-yak outsider landed on the very top of the pyramid. Still, it was a nice landing, and the audience cheered appreciatively, and everything might’ve been all right had the moment not brought out Ms. Chalice’s natural showmanship.

  “Ta-da!” she cried, and took a deep bow. It was the bow that did it. The tower of yaks shook, then shifted, then toppled into a pile.

  “We’ll get you for this!” the bottom yak groaned. And once they’d recovered, they chased her around the room.