Reality Fix - Lucifer's Crown

by tantan

In the centre stood Belial, a demon who looked like an angel, except for his black leathery wings. Thomas looked down at his feet. They were standing in a black oozy tar pit, and slowly sinking. "Don't struggle," Thomas said to Peter, "or you'll sink faster," the dozens of adventure books he had read as a child finally becoming useful.

  "But what do we do?" Peter asked gritting his teeth.

  "I don't know."

  Belial came forward to the edge of the tar pit. "Look at what my little pit has caught," he said with relish. "Why, I do believe the two birds in the bush have lost their ability to fly." Belial threw back his head, and laughed with fiendish delight.

  Peter turned red with anger. "We aren't birds, so fight fair," he yelled.

  "I do not have the slightest inclination to mmm… fight fair. Take them out," he said to his Captain.

  On the Captain's signal two demons took out blow pipes and shot poisoned darts at Thomas and Peter. The two young heroes lapsed into unconsciousness, unaware that they were being taken out of the tar pit and into Television Room 4

  The Ferocious Two Headed Sheep/Mocking Bird Demon

  One week had passed, and there was still no sign of Hearthoff, Peter or Thomas.

  "They are dead. They were fools to go through the demon gate," Guan Yu banged his fists on the table.

  "If they are dead, then we are all doomed," Lu Dongbin said calmly. "There is nothing we can do about it, so there is no point fretting."

  "Nothing we can do," Guan-Yu banged his fists on the table again, which broke under the sudden strain.

  The mocking bird flew into their midst, "There's nothing you ****s can do¸ but perhaps there's something I can. In return for my help I want some ******* dragon's eyeballs. Heard they're delicious."

  "Very well little bird. If there is something you can do, then do it," Guan-Yu said.

  The mocking bird flew out of the window and went to the pen outside the castle, where Snow White the lamb was tethered.

  "We've got a mission," said the bird to the lamb. "We have to pass through the demon portal and rescue that Hearthoff, and those two boys."

  The lamb maa'd assent.

  "Here's the plan. We can only go through if we're disguised. I shall sit right here," the bird perched near the lamb's neck and put its head close to the lamb's. "This way we look like a ******* two headed sheep/mocking bird demon. That should get us through."

  The lamb nodded (yes, lambs can nod), and maa'd assent again.

  "Knew you'd like the ******* plan," said the mocking bird. "And that smell of yours should make us blend right in."

  The lamb maa'd angrily and tossed its head.

  "All right, I'm sorry. We're going to have to work as a team on this one, so I'll try to control my inborn instincts, and be nice for once."

  The lamb and the bird walked out through the gate and slowly travelled towards the demon portal.

  "Dragon eyeballs, here I come. Mmm," the mocking bird said, flapping its wings excitedly.

  "Maa maa."

  "I'm sure we can get some top grade grass for you. I'll arrange for it when we get back."

  "Maa."

  "No problem."

  The two headed lamb/mocking bird demon entered the portal and passed into the demon world. The tar pit had been removed and demons were marching around, organizing themselves for the next attack on Cloud Palace.

  "Hey you!" shouted the mocking bird to a big hefty wolf demon. "Where have the ******* prisoners been kept? The ones that were captured here a week ago?"

  "The torture pits, Sir. Just walk straight ahead for a few miles and take a right at the intersection, and past the Ferrari showroom."

  Snow White and the mocking bird proceeded down the road.

  "That was a two headed sheep/mocking bird demon," the wolf demon whispered to his companion. "They're all crazy. You should never mess with that kind."

  Mrs. Ennui's 99,999 Knitting Tips

  Hearthoff banged his head on the wall/TV screen. "I can't take this anymore," he shouted.

  The three heroes were surrounded by walls, ceiling and floor that functioned as television screens. The channel was set on to 'Mrs. Ennui's 99,999 knitting tips.'

  "Hush…" said Peter, "she's showing us how to knit a sweater."

  Hearthoff shook his head. "I'm never going to see my darling Sif again. I never realised how much I'd missed her." Tears flowed down his face. "If I ever get out of here I'm going to lead a quiet life and settle down with her, if she'll still have me. I should never have treated her so badly."

  "We'll get out of here," said Thomas patting Hearthoff on the back. "Somehow… Don't worry."

  "You're right, lad," Hearthoff said drying his tears. "If only these damn screens weren't indestructible. Then I'd be able to think."

  "Shh…" said Peter, "I'm trying to watch."

  "I think they're here somewhere," came a loud, shrill voice from outside. "****! Look at all these rooms."

  "Maa," something else said faintly.

  "The mocking bird!" cried Thomas with joy.

  "And Snow White," yelled Peter. "Maybe Mary's come to rescue us."

  The three heroes banged on the walls, making as much noise as possible.

  "I ******* hear something. Over here. Now let's see if that key we stole works."

  They heard something being placed in the keyhole on the other side of the wall, and then the flapping of wings. The wall slid open, revealing the swearing bird and Snow White.

  "As usual it's ******* me to the rescue," said the mocking bird. "Aren't ya going to thank me?"

  "Thank you," said Thomas and Hearthoff laughing with relief.

  "You wouldn't happen to know where our weapons are kept, would you?" asked Hearthoff scanning the corridor.

  "In the next ******* room. I've got the keys for the locker."

  "You're one heck of a bird," Hearthoff said patting the mocking bird on its head.

  "Maa."

  "And you're one heck of a lamb, Snow White. Peter, lad… Come along now…" Hearthoff said.

  "Do I have to? I want to see how she embroiders designs on the sweater," Peter grumbled.

  "Now lad, now!"

  "All right," he said sullenly.

  They went to the next room warily, on the look out for any guards, and got their weapons out of the locker, making as little noise as possible.

  "Now comes the hard part," said Hearthoff, taking a few warm up swings with his hammer, "escaping."

  "You'll have to make a run for it," said the mocking bird. "It's an open area all the way to the portal. And one of you will have to carry the lamb."

  "Maa," the lamb nodded.

  Peter cradled the lamb in his arms. "Mary would never forgive me if something happened to you," he said quietly.

  "I have to close the portal once we're on the other side," Hearthoff said. You lads will have to take care of whatever comes through."

  "Yes, Sir," Peter and Thomas said in unison.

  They took off, flying through the great caverns of Hell as fast as they could, with the mocking bird flapping behind, trying its best to keep up.

  Leviathan

  Countless demons were soon chasing after the four flying figures, throwing spears, and shooting arrows and fireballs at them. The four easily dodged the projectiles and continued on their way to the portal opening (Arrows, bullets, missiles, nukes, etc. were powerless against our heroes).

  "Almost there, lads. Guard the entrance as best as you can."

  They went through the portal and landed on the green grass of the Chinese Afterlife.

  On the other side of the portal, Belial roared in anger, and ordered his legions to cross. "You shall not get away Monkey," he bellowed signalling his troops to charge.

  Hearthoff laughed and took up position twenty yards from the portal beginning his magical chant.

  "Here they come," shouted Peter, putting down the lamb, and drawing Excalibur. Thomas readied his battery operated sword and waited for the demons to come towards them.<
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  What followed was a massacre. Peter and Thomas, hyper after a week of inactivity, expended all their pent up energy on killing the demons. The demons came, they saw and they died. Peter ran around, flashing through the portal area, his sword chopping down demons by the dozen. Thomas acrobatically jumped from one demon group to another, leaving corpses in his path of destruction. Fireballs were kicked back to their senders like footballs. The entrance of the portal was soon blocked with the countless corpses of the demons.

  "If you want to do something you've got to do it yourself," Belial roared. "Eligos come with me."

  Belial flew out the portal as Eligos mounted his fiery steed. Eligos charged at Thomas, while Belial took on Peter. Then followed a colossal fight, its reverberations heard all the way to the Cloud Palace. Eligos lunged at Thomas with his lance and Thomas managed to dodge each time, moving backwards. Thomas was no match for Eligos while he was on the ground, and so flew into the air, retreating to the sky.

  "Ha ha. Run mortal, you are no match for me," shouted Eligos in triumph.

  Thomas flew back at Eligos at a speed approaching the speed of light, and knocked him off his horse, head on. Eligos roared in anger and drew his sword. They lunged and parried, until Thomas' sword slashed off Eligos' head (after the head on collision it became a very boring fight).

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  Meanwhile, Belial and Peter fought at such a speed that their swords were just two blurry lines. The aftershock of the blades parries caused fierce winds to form, which tore at the grass near them, creating a brown barren area where they stood. Blood dripped off the bodies of both Peter and Belial from the multiple wounds each had received. However, it seemed that Belial was losing ground. His reflexes were no match for Peter's. Belial flew back a little