The Emerald Horseshoes

by Jane Josephs

  “No problem. I’ll catch you later, Alison, for your workout.”

  “Okay, sure, I’ll get on my shorts in a few minutes.”

  “Take your time.”

  Alone in the garage full of exercise equipment, Nick went through his warm-up routine before climbing on the rowing machine. His thoughts turned to Alison as his heartrate climbed. She had been reading the Bible her Aunt Grace had brought her yesterday. Sometime in between their visit in the morning and the café dinner last night, she had read the story of Jesus turning water into wine. And been curious about it, if her comments on the ride home from church were any indication. Nick concentrated on keeping his movements consistent on the machine. But along with his pulse, hope for their future was building in his heart.

  ~ ~ ~

  Alison stretched out her legs on the exercise mat in the garage while she waited for Nick to return with a couple of bottles of water. After almost a week of doing the same exercise routine with him, they still hadn’t had ‘the talk.’ She blew out a frustrated sigh. Their conversation last Sunday had barely begun when Richie had breezed into the garage and started working out. Nick had shrugged his shoulders, handed her a five-pound weight, and launched into the routine which had cured her restlessness physically but left her frustrated in every other way.

  Drumming her fingers on her thigh, Alison jumped when the door from the house opened.

  “Sorry to keep you waiting.” Nick crossed to the mat and set down their water bottles. “I wanted to check the monitor I have on Dotty. She seems fine. No sign of labor yet.” He set the waters on the floor out of the way. “Ma and Jeff just took off for dinner in Del Mar and a sunset walk on the beach. Want to start with sit-ups?” As he had during the week, he sat on the mat facing her, his hip next to her thigh on her uninjured side.

  “What about Richie? Where’s he?”

  Nick chuckled. “Went to his friend Matt’s.” He winked. “At my suggestion. We’re on our own for a while. His curfew’s not until ten.”

  “Someone’s in a good mood.” Alison shifted toward him, her stomach flip flopping. She’d known all week that he wanted to talk. Ever since he’d kissed her after she’d won their blackjack game. She wanted to talk, too. To clear the air. But she didn’t want to, at the same time. Things between them had been so good since she came to recuperate at the ranch. Peaceful. Congenial. Would opening the wound help or hurt their relationship?

  Nick smiled. “I like it when a plan comes together.” In an easy move, he leaned across her, bringing them face to face. He stroked his finger down her cheek. “But I don’t want to talk about Richie. I want to talk about us. Where we’ve been. Where we might be going. Okay?” He palmed her neck and pulled her to him.

  His kiss left no doubt about what he wanted. Alison melted into him, her fingers finding his hair, hungry for more of him. Nick didn’t disappoint her.

  Finally leaning back, he smiled against her lips. “Just thought we should get that out of the way.”

  Alison’s breath caught. It was the same thing he’d said the first time he kissed her. The night of the symphony. The night she’d laid open her heart for him to see how scarred and sinful she was. What was it he’d said to her that night? God loves you just as you are? Alison pulled him to her, this time her lips finding his. Taking and giving. Confessing her love for him without saying the words. But in her heart, they resounded loud and clear, wanting to break free.

  “I’ve got some things I need to tell you, Alison.”

  Alison’s heartrate shot up. She sucked in a shallow breath and lifted her chin. “Me, too. But you can go first if you want.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” He ran his hand around his neck and chuckled. “I swear, I’ve rehearsed what I want to say to you a million times. But all I can think of right now is I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “What!?” Alison choked on a laugh. “I don’t believe this. That’s the same phrase that I’ve been saying over and over since yesterday. It’s what my grandmother wrote on the inside cover of her Bible. Along with Rom three, twenty-three, whatever that means.”

  Nick studied her. “Hmmm. In her Bible, huh?”

  “Yeah. She wrote, ‘I’m sorry, please forgive me.’ Then Rom three, colon, twenty-three.”

  He nodded. “It’s not Rom, it’s the abbreviation for Romans, one of the books of the Bible. And three, twenty-three is the chapter and verse reference. If I remember right, the verse says All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. And then our response to that statement is I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  Alison’s eyes narrowed, turning over Nick’s explanation in her head. “So, were you talking to God or to me when you said you’re sorry?”

  “You, babe. I’ve already told God how sorry I am.”

  “And what did God say?”

  “He said I needed to tell you.”

  Alison laughed. “You talk to God, don’t you? Just like your mom. And I guess God answers back?” Her eyebrows rose. “That’s pretty amazing.”

  “Yeah, it’s called prayer.”

  Alison smirked at him. “I believe I’ve heard of it, thanks to your mom. But do you think that’s what I’m doing when I say those three phrases Grandma Kate wrote in her Bible?”

  “Well, you only mentioned one. What else did she write?”

  “After the ‘I’m sorry’ one, she wrote, ‘Thank you for dying on the cross for me, and please . . . ’”

  Nick put up his hand to stop her. “The second one again?”

  “Thank you for dying on the cross for me.”

  “That’s definitely about Jesus.”

  “That’s what I figured. So, when I say the next phrase—‘Please come into my life’—I’m talking to Jesus?”

  Nick smiled. “Sounds like it. I know it’s new to you. But those three phrases are what’s called the Sinner’s Prayer. It’s a confession, acknowledging that you’ve messed up—that’s the I’m sorry part. And the rest is about what Jesus has done for you on the cross. If you invite him into your life, he shows up. It’s just that simple.”

  Alison stared at him. “Ever since I read those phrases, they’ve been stuck in my head. In fact, I’ve been repeating them to myself. But if Jesus shows up like you said, why don’t I feel different?”

  “Come here.” Nick gently wrapped her in his arms. “It’s a process, babe. But it starts with a step called faith. You don’t always feel different. But if you’ve asked Jesus to come into your life, he’s already arrived.” He tilted up her chin. “Everyone has faith in something. Why not put yours in some One? We’ll do this together, okay?”

  Alison’s eyes filled with tears. But she was laughing. “Okay. Together.”

  This time his kiss was the sweetest yet.

  Chapter 30

  “Can I tell you something, Nick?”

  Seated on the sofa a little while after her workout, Alison reached for Nick’s hand.

  “Sure. You can tell me anything. Ask anything, too.”

  “I love that about you. You know, how easy you are to talk to.” Alison looked at their clasped hands, then back at Nick. “It’s about what you said out in the garage. Thank you for trying to take the blame, but I’m the one who made the mess that started our fight at the campfire. And made things worse by the way I acted at the hospital. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

  “Alison, I . . .”

  “Let me finish, okay? I’ve had two weeks to think about this, and I know I was wrong. And you were right. I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself when I thought an abortion would fix things for Emma. She told me that she loved Travis, and I totally brushed it off. I’d never even met him, and I judged him as a druggie who was just using Emma for sex.” Alison glanced away. “Well, I guess I was right about the sex part. But I’m ashamed
to admit the rest of it. I was totally using a double standard. Unconsciously. I mean, Emma’s poor. A high school dropout. She could easily end up homeless again. That’s so not fair to a child! Wouldn’t it be better not to be born at all?” Alison’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t believe that was what I was thinking.” She turned her tear-streaked face to Nick. “I’m totally selfish, just like you said.”

  Nick shook his head. “I never should have said that. Listen . . .”

  “Wait. Just hear me out.” Alison raced on with her confession. “You not only rescued Emma’s baby, but you saved me, too, Nick. From making a huge mistake. You never quit. Even after the accident, you just kept trying to find the right solution.” She smiled. “I guess that motto you SWCCs say is buried deep in your DNA, isn’t it?”

  Nick frowned “Maybe. Probably. But there’s no way I can let you take all the blame for what happened. I never should have said what I did and walked away from you like that. I’m not saying I have an excuse, but there’s a reason I acted like such a total jerk.” He grimaced. “When I think of you lying broken and bruised on the ground because of me, I don’t know how you can ever forgive me.”

  “Okay, I won’t lie. The things you said that day at the campfire hurt. A lot. I wanted the ground to open and swallow me. Never mind that I deserved them.” Her grip tightened on his hand. “I forgive you, Nick, but I need your forgiveness, too. Can you do that?”

  Nick glanced down at their joined hands. “I have. I do.” He smiled, his eyes shining. “Forgiving you is easy, Alison.”

  She cocked her head. “It is?”

  Nick stroked her cheek. “It’s not so hard when you love someone.”

  Alison’s breath caught. “Are you saying . . . ? You do? Oh, Nick!”

  Nick barely stopped her from launching herself at him. “Careful, okay? I don’t want you to reinjure yourself.” He cupped her cheek. “But I wouldn’t mind hearing how you feel about me.”

  Heedless of her bound arm and shoulder. Alison leaned into him. “I’ve never loved anyone as much in my whole life as I love you, Nick.” She sealed the words with a long, lingering kiss. Refusing to let him go, she whispered, “Since the day we met I’ve been crazy about you.”

  “Does this mean I’m going to see my name on your blog again?”

  One eyebrow lifted at his teasing tone. Alison drew back, her hand coming to rest on his chest. “Would you like that? Cause you didn’t the last time.” She shook her head and chuckled.

  Nick grinned. “We’ve got some history, don’t we?”

  She nodded, enjoying this playful side of him. “You don’t even read my blog.”

  “Are you kidding? I read every post, babe.”

  Alison felt her cheeks turning hot. “And you still love me?”

  “Oh, yeah. I do. But I’m kind of glad you’re revamping your blog. At least that’s what you posted Friday, right?”

  “Yeah, I’m going to take some time to figure out what’s next. Inspirational romance is my genre though. It’s how I’m wired.” She laughed.

  “I could take a lot of ribbing, you know? Being in love with a romance writer.” Running his finger along her cheek, Nick smiled. “But look, I’d never want you to give up writing. You’re incredibly talented, and I know you love it. I just wouldn’t mind if I’m the only guy who gets to star in your fantasies from now on.”

  Alison laughed. “I promise. Only you, baby. Believe me.” She teased his lips. “It might be blogging suicide for my site, the Love Dock.” She shrugged her shoulders. “But I only want the real thing from now on. With you.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Nick opened the refrigerator and shelved the leftovers from their impromptu evening meal. He glanced at the time and turned to Alison. “It’s only seven. Let me check on Dotty and I’ll be right back. I need to tell you something else.” He knelt in front of her. “Something not so innocent as your blog posts.”

  The sudden change in his tone of voice made her breath catch. “Oh, okay.”

  He got up and strode to his bedroom to check his computer monitor.

  Alison’s heart shot to her throat. What else did he need to say? More than anything, she wanted to put the past behind them, so they could think about their future. He had said he loved her. He meant it, didn’t he?

  In several minutes, Nick was back. “Dotty’s a little restless. This could be the night.”

  Alison sat forward, alarmed. “Do you need to go to the barn? Be with her?”

  “Not yet. Mares usually prefer privacy in the first stage of labor. It could be a half hour; it could be six hours. I’ll check on her in a bit.” Nick sat beside her and took her hand. “I just need to get something out. Something you need to know about me.” He stroked the back of her hand with his thumb and looked into her eyes. “I told you there’s a reason I acted like I did at the campfire that day. Not an excuse, but a reason.”

  Alison nodded and licked her lips, her throat tight.

  “I don’t want any secrets between us, okay?” At her nod, he blew out a long, slow breath. “I’ve kept what I’m going to tell you to myself for a long time. Too long.” He swallowed hard and blew out another long sigh. “The reason I was so upset about you scheduling an abortion for Emma is because a woman I once loved aborted our child while I was deployed. Without any regard for how I felt about it.”

  Alison’s hand came to her mouth to squelch the gasp that lodged in her throat. “Were you married?”

  “No, no. But I thought that’s where we were headed. Until . . .” Nick sucked in a deep breath.

  The woman’s betrayal made Alison want to throw up. How could anyone be so cold? So heartless? But hadn’t she planned to treat Travis the same way? The thought made her wince. She pulled Nick’s face to hers. “Oh, Nick. I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I can never make this right, can I?”

  Nick leaned into her. “No one can but the Lord. Really.” He ran his hand down his face and looked away. “I arrived in Bahrain about two weeks after leaving San Diego and finally had time to check my emails. You’ve got to know how much it means to hear from home when you’re on the other side of the world. But not this time. The very first email I received was from Carrie, that’s her name. She wrote that she was pregnant and couldn’t go through with it.”

  Nick shuddered. “Just like that. No negotiating. Just a cold email with a few words that haunt me to this day. I can’t go through with it.” He gripped Alison’s hand with both of his. “I did everything but fly home. And I would have done that if I could have. But no way does the Navy send you home for a pregnant girlfriend. Her life wasn’t even in danger. She was just inconvenienced. Annoyed. Angry. It was all my fault of course. But she was adamant: it was her choice, her body.” He clenched his jaw. “Anyway, a week after her first email, regardless of anything I wrote, any argument or threat I used, she had an abortion and killed our baby.”

  Anger replaced his anguish. “Do you know how that makes me feel? Knowing that somewhere in a bag or a box in some landfill somewhere, there are the remains of a life that was my child, my flesh and blood, discarded like trash?”

  Alison pulled him to her, silent, grieving with him as he melted against her. Finally understanding the wound that she had laid open in him with her actions. Loving him more than ever because he hadn’t rejected her. Instead, he had professed his love for her and forgiven her. Wanted to have a relationship with her. A sob came from deep inside her and her tears mingled with his.

  ~ ~ ~

  The tack room smelled of saddle soap, leather, and horse feed. Nick squeezed in beside Alison in the only chair in the room and pulled her tight against him. In her stall at the end of the barn, Dotty’s labor had progressed, but not to the point of her laying down. Nick had alerted the large animal vet who cared for their horses, and he had assured him he wo
uld be there by midnight. He checked the computer monitor he’d set up on the table in the tack room. Seeing no change in Dotty’s behavior, he nuzzled Alison’s neck.

  “I didn’t think I could ever love anyone again until I met you, Alison. You surprised me at every turn. Made me hungry. Hopeful.” He chuckled. “Happy. Sweet Jesus, you make me happy, babe.” He slid his hand in his pocket and pulled out a small mesh bag. “Do you remember the day we played horseshoes?” He took his arm from around Alison, so he could open the bag.

  “Of course.” Alison giggled. “I knew then I had to have you.”

  Nick emptied the contents of the bag into the palm of his hand. “Does this look familiar? Hold out your hand.” He placed the emerald horseshoe heart in her open hand.

  Alison gasped with delight. “Oh Nick, I love it. It’s perfect. Remember, I told you that day we played, that the way our horseshoes joined together was a sign.”

  “You said, if I remember right, that it was a sign you were going to win. And you did.” He grinned and kissed her thoroughly. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw it at our church’s craft fair. A lady I know designs jewelry. I was going to give it to you at the campfire that morning.”

  Alison’s eyes teared up.

  “No, don’t cry. Not now. It’s all behind us.” He lifted the necklace and undid the clasp. “Every morning for the past two weeks, when I get dressed, I put this necklace in my pocket and pray for you. For us. From now on, maybe it can be a reminder for you to pray.” Alison lifted her hair and he fastened the necklace around her neck. “Sound like a plan?”

  “Yeah.” She nodded and brushed her lips against his. “A good one. I don’t know that much about praying, but I’ll give it my best. For you. Maybe you could tell me what you said to God, and I can just swap your name for mine. Since you said we’d do this faith thing together.”