Whatever for Hire

by RJ Blain

  “I am. I’m rather pleased I convinced you to marry me. I was starting to get desperate.” Malcolm rested his hands on my hips and pulled me close. “I took advantage of the opportunity. I should feel guilty, but I don’t.”

  “How was it taking advantage? I agreed to keep Caitlin away from you, you agreed to keep Asfour away from me.”

  “While I fully intend on keeping Asfour as far away from you as possible, that was not my main motivation. I’m selfish, and I wanted you for myself.” Malcolm smirked and drummed his fingers against my hips. “Maybe you don’t believe in love at first sight, but I do. I’ll wait however long it takes for you to feel the same way, so take your time. I’m also a firm believer of lust at first sight, too. It’s fair to say I fell for you twice in one moment.”

  When I got some one-on-one time with the devil, I needed to ask him about the nature of Malcolm’s curse, because I had no idea how he was being affected by it. If the curse began and ended with no children, I didn’t care. Why would I?

  His sincerity wasn’t faked. I had more than my fair share of insecurities, but I had faith in him, and not because he was a so-called picky Stewart. Malcolm saw me as more than a skirt to chase, although he cheerfully admitted he liked the package, especially the legs and ass that had led to his downfall. The novelty would wear off one day, although I hoped he wouldn’t change.

  I respected him more and more each day. Hell, I had no idea what love actually was when I thought about it.

  No one had loved me before.

  “I might not be good at this whole wife thing,” I warned.

  “Just be yourself. That’s all I want. I even took your advice. I married who I wanted, not who my family wanted. I probably won’t be any good at the whole husband thing, either. We’ll take it day by day. Sound good?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “We’ll be fine,” he promised.

  It amazed me how easy it was to believe he was right.

  Michael and Gabriel showed up in a flash of silver light, startling a yelp out of Malcolm while I hissed my displeasure. The archangels laughed, and an invisible weight lifted from my shoulders.

  “Thanks for coming.” I breathed in the salty air, grateful the two archangels somehow blocked Savannah’s stench. “I know you don’t do bargains, but I want to ask for your help.”

  Gabriel sank down where the sand and surf met, sticking his feet in the water. “Our brother can be quite prideful. He could ask for our help if he really wants. He did when he tricked you into signing those papers. You’ve been busy. How can we serve?”

  “I’m worried about Wishing Well’s victims. We met a few on the way to New York, and I suspect they were murdered after making their bargains.”

  “That’s a potentially dangerous claim, Kanika,” the archangel warned.

  “I know. I don’t know if I can prove it, but it’s suspicious. Then you have this congregation of the newly dead, plus there’s two higher-level devils the devil isn’t counting as his.”

  “A worrisome issue, yes. Our brother’s hands are tied.”

  I waggled my fingers at the archangel. “Mine aren’t.”

  “It’s rather refreshing to have a free agent with morals around. I’m not sure what we can do to help you, though. Your thoughts, Michael?”

  “I see no obvious ways we can lend you aid,” Michael confirmed.

  “Can you at least hear me out?”

  “Of course. We’re here in an official capacity. He has noticed the problem. Our brother’s lucky. The current holder of the portfolio is a family man. That matters, especially when the prayers of the living are so burdened with grief. That’ll wear off in a few decades, I’m sure. For now, his nature works in your favor.”

  “Does Satin know that?”

  “No.”

  I shook my finger at Michael. “Naughty, tricksy archangel. All right. Satin thinks if I ask you two to mitigate the miasma, Wishing Well will have better footing in their bargaining. Satin also thinks the devils involved are using vessels to make the bargains, so he’s unable to do anything about the situation. Is this correct?”

  “You’re correct.”

  I nodded, sighed, and hoped I wasn’t about to get myself into even more trouble. “I’m not bound by those rules. Correct?”

  “That’s correct.”

  “Do you know what’ll happen if Wishing Well goes unchecked?”

  The archangels fidgeted. Gabriel wiggled his toes in the surf and splashed at the water when the waves broke high enough on the shore for him to reach. I waited.

  Gabriel cracked first, snapping his wings out and grunting his displeasure. “Yes. He told us.”

  “Enlighten me, Archangel Gabriel.”

  The instant the words left my mouth, I realized I’d given one of His archangels a rather direct order. I tensed, waiting for lightening to streak out of the clear skies and strike me dead.

  “Very well. You’ll die during the conflict, and when your powers are needed, you’ll be but a memory. Because of your death, others will die. At first, everything will seem normal, but within five years of Earth’s time, the first consequences of your death will become apparent. No new children will be born. The dead will walk, the living will die, but their souls will remain trapped in the mortal coil. No new seeds of life will be planted. It begins.”

  The cold neutrality of Gabriel’s voice terrified me. “It?”

  “The end of days, at least for this Earth.”

  Holy hell. “All because I die?” I squeaked.

  “You began as nothing. You have become something. In that one moment, for Earth, you will become everything. Earth’s history is full of little moments like that, but yours is a little more important than others—for this moment.”

  “Isn’t there some paradox rule about if the maker of history knows what they’ll do in advance, they’ll fuck it up?”

  The archangels laughed, and their good humor in the face of Earth’s destruction—the end of bloody days—annoyed a hiss out of me.

  Michael patted the top of my head. “Don’t worry, little niece. You can’t, as you say, fuck it up, fortunately for us all. Your father never cheats. This is a critical part of his existence.”

  “He’s the Lord of Lies—”

  “No, Kanika. Your father. The one who planted the seed of your life. He never cheats. My brother cheats whenever the rules let him. That’s his nature. But for my brother, one rule remains unbroken. He never, ever violates the universal laws.”

  “Back up. What does my birth father have to do with anything?” I shrugged. “I know nothing about him beyond the fact he’s the one responsible for my affinity with sari and coin belts.”

  “This is when our discussion will become inevitably uncomfortable for your husband. Clever of you, by the way, stealing the devil’s new daughter right out from beneath his nose. Well done.”

  Malcolm straightened, and he smirked, and something about his eyes made me believe the Michael’s compliment meant far more than he wanted anyone to realize. “Opportunity knocked.”

  “We’re both very impressed you haven’t run away from us yet, too.”

  That wiped Malcolm’s smirk off his face, much to my disappointment. “I’m not a coward.”

  “No, you’re a demon who has lived most of your life hiding the true strength of your powers so you won’t be used by those you fear.”

  I stiffened. Malcolm was a demon? It explained a few things about his behavior in bed, but I had trouble believing it. It also explained how he knew so much about demons and devils. “In-ter-est-ing.”

  “Kanika, I—”

  “Not human either.” I feigned a faint, sprawling onto the sun-warmed sand. “Oh, no. I married a demon.”

  The archangels snickered.

  “Can’t you see there’s a damsel in distress here?” I complained.

  Their snickers blossomed into chiming laughter.

  “How rude,” I muttered, hopping to my feet and brushing th
e sand off my clothes. “I’ve been adopted by the devil, Malcolm. I’m a sphinx. Unless you’re one of those demons who eat their wives, I don’t see the issue. If you are, I have a problem with that. I am not dinner.”

  “You married a pervert,” Gabriel informed me.

  “I had that figured out around the same time he did a full demonstration of his ridiculous endurance.”

  “He might slow down after a few hundred years, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

  Holy hell. My eyes widened, and I looked Malcolm over. “I take it he’s a long-lived species, then.”

  “Demons typically are. Depending on how well he matures before the magic fades, he’ll likely take a long nap until the next emergence, assuming the end of days does not begin prematurely. I expect your father will meddle to ensure that happens.”

  “Which one?” I grumbled.

  “Both. Can I be the one to tell your male he unwittingly signed up for a very long life? It’s also worth mentioning he was ah, how do you modern mortals phrase it? Ah, yes. Screwed. He was screwed the instant he bargained with our brother. You were set up.”

  Malcolm grinned and dipped in a bow. “I know. I wanted to see what Kanika would do. I’m particularly fond of her latest nickname for him. Ask me what it is. You know you want to.”

  The archangels giggled, and Gabriel took the bait. “What is it?”

  “Satin Blabbermouth McSmarty Liar Pants.”

  I smacked my forehead. A pop and a hint of brimstone marked the devil’s arrival. “You can’t wrap him in satin and light him on fire.”

  “Why must you insist on ruining my fun?”

  “I like this one so you’re not allowed.”

  The devil lashed his tail. “I’m so glad I got an invite to this party. I would’ve been so sad if I’d missed it all.”

  I glared at Malcolm. “Good job. Next time, just think it. He only shows up if summoned by written or spoken word. He might listen in on what you’re thinking, though—if he thinks you have some juicy secret he wants to know.”

  Malcolm smirked at the devil, and the devil snapped his wings out, stomped a hoof, and breathed blue flame, which came within a hair’s width of scalding my husband. “Please stop thinking about that. It’s rather uncomfortable.”

  Gabriel snickered and kicked at the water. “Did I mention your male is rather perverted?”

  “You had, but thank you. If you stopped listening in, you wouldn’t be subjected to his perversion.”

  “Ooh,” the archangels and the devil replied.

  I smacked my forehead again, successfully giving myself a headache. “I’m surrounded by idiots. So, step one: I can’t die due to ignoring Wishing Well. Correct?”

  “Correct,” Michael confirmed. “Surviving is rather important at this stage.”

  “You’re cheating,” the devil growled.

  “If you can’t keep a lid on being a goody-goody, I’ll uninvite you,” I warned.

  “But they’re cheating.”

  Malcolm pinched the bridge of his nose as if he was warding away a growing headache, too. “There’s so much wrong with this I’m not sure where to begin. This isn’t going as expected.”

  “I’ll uninvite you, too. You and Satin can go cry in a beer if you can’t behave like adults. We’re not cheating. We’re cleverly interpreting the rules in ways that benefit me. Now, shush. So, Michael. What’s the best way to resolve our issue with Wishing Well?”

  “Kill the vessels, take claim over the bargained souls, and release the bargained souls to the afterlife. If you can kill the vessels, it’ll take time for the devils responsible to find replacements. Alternatively, you can kill the devils and demons involved, invalidate the bargains, and take over—and rewrite—the contracts. You could just kill everyone involved. That would work, too.”

  Obviously, I couldn’t afford to let Michael be in charge of making the plans. His method involved a lot more killing than I was comfortable with. “Gabriel?”

  “I volunteer to help with the killing.”

  My mouth dropped open. “What is wrong with you two?”

  “We oppose an unscheduled end of days,” they chorused.

  “We can’t just kill everybody.”

  “It’s just one city,” Michael complained.

  “No.”

  “It would solve the problem, guaranteed. And it would smell a lot better here when we’re finished.”

  “It would be three cities, actually,” the devil pointed out.

  Michael shrugged. “It’d still smell a lot better when we’re finished.”

  I stomped my foot. “No.”

  Playing in the surf, Gabriel flopped onto his back, and I could feel him staring at me despite his lack of a head. “You’re making this unnecessarily difficult.”

  “We are not slaughtering hundreds of thousands—”

  “Millions,” the devil corrected.

  I hissed at Satin and kicked sand in his direction. “We are not slaughtering millions of people to make this easy. No. No, no, no. No means no. No doesn’t mean argue with me. It means no.”

  “Why not?” the archangels demanded.

  “You’re supposed to be the good guys. No. There will be no indiscriminate slaughtering of entire cities.”

  Michael sighed and closed his wings, huffing his displeasure. “Why did you pick this one again, brother? She’s most stubborn. Listen, little niece. It’s the most efficient solution. They have a protectorate of undead out of control. Destroying them would ensure Earth’s survival.”

  “At least until the scheduled end of days,” I muttered.

  “Correct. Nothing lasts forever, not even us.”

  Nothing was ever easy, and I wanted to dig a hole in the sand and stick my head in it. “What sort of protectorate are you talking about?”

  “Mummies, zombies, and similar.”

  “I like mummies. They have more common sense than most sentients combined,” I declared, pulling out my phone and dialing the number for the Museum of Natural History. When someone answered, I said, “I need to speak to Ginger, please. It’s Kanika calling.”

  “Ginger?” Michael hummed. “How interesting.”

  I was put on hold, and several minutes later, I heard a click and the rasp of breath. “My queen?”

  “I need a favor, Ginger.”

  “Anything.”

  While I wanted a clear answer on why mummies breathed, I set aside my curiosity and focused on the more important things, including preventing a premature end of days. “Join me in Savannah, Georgia, and ask King Tutankhamun if he would also grace us with his presence. If you have other friends who might be bored, they are welcome to join us as well. There are some upstarts here I need to deal with.” I considered Ginger’s rather violent way of handling Asfour and played my more vicious card. “Apparently, if I ignore them, I’ll die.”

  “Yes, my queen. I come soon,” Ginger hissed. “No. We come. Bring friends. Find Queen.”

  The phone clattered to the floor, and I hung up so I wouldn’t have to listen to the museum employees whine about their exhibits talking back to them again. “Ginger will see if King Tutankhamun will join us, and he’s looking to bring some friends with him as well.”

  Gabriel chuckled. “Were you aware you were speaking in a very, very old form of Egyptian?”

  Huh? “I was?”

  “That definitely wasn’t English,” Malcolm confirmed.

  “Cool.” I added speaking dead languages to my list of things to research when I had some time, preferably after the world wasn’t about to go to hell without the benefit of a hand basket. “Anyway, I’ll ask the mummies for their help once they arrive.”

  Gabriel twisted and pointed at the devil. “You neglected to tell us she could already raise mummies. And you say we cheat!”

  “You could peek into the past if you desire. You didn’t ask. I can’t tell all my secrets, little brother. Anyway, she had help. Her Stewart channeled power for her. While a sphinx, she la
cks strength. It’s well enough. If she had strength, she’d be cursing souls whenever she got annoyed. I wisely tricked them into wearing suppression bracelets to keep her from accidentally raising any more mummies. They should be locked by now.”

  I tensed. “Locked? What do you mean by locked?” Lifting my hand, I glared at the bracelet. “Satin! What have you done?”

  “They’re special made. Go ahead. Try to take them off.”

  I tried to take both of mine off to discover the clasps wouldn’t budge. Malcolm tried, too, and when he failed, he shrugged. “In my defense, I had no idea they could lock, Kanika.”

  A growl slipped out, and I locked my gaze on the devil’s throat. Malcolm wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling until my back rested flush against his chest. I reached for my adoptive father, hissing curses at him. “Mephistopheles!”

  “I neglected to give you some important information, yes, but it’s entirely your fault. You didn’t ask me the right questions. I do that a lot. It’s a bad habit. Oh, that does remind me. Malcolm, do regulate any magic you give her very carefully. It’s bad enough she woke two powerful mummies. If you’re not careful—” The devil blinked. “Oh. I suppose that could work, too.”

  Gabriel fluttered his wings, and when the angel laughed, it was a harrowing, wicked sound. “It could. It hasn’t been done like that before. That’s the problem with crossbreeds. They change the rules.”

  “Dangerous,” Michael muttered. “We might end up destroying the city anyway. It would be more efficient to just do it ourselves.”

  “No,” I blurted, not even sure what I was arguing against anymore. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but no. And we’re not blowing up the city because it’s easy.”

  Michael heaved a sigh. “Why did you teach her that word?”

  “She came with it, I’m afraid. Why not, Kanika?”

  “Are you children? Indiscriminate murder is bad.”

  Malcolm whispered in my ear, “It’s like having kids, but they’re bloodthirsty kids who could end the world. Please don’t adopt any of these three. They might kill us in our sleep.”