It begins with goodbye

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It begins with goodbye Page 4

by R. S James


  Colton stands there holding Clarissa, smirking at me the whole time. I walk by, acting as if I don’t have a care in the world, as he joked about earlier, and now, the joke is on him. Walking up to Morgan, I glance back at Colton, and then quickly turn back. I remember seeing all the fishing pictures in his office, so it gives me an idea.

  “Hey, you like to hunt and fish, right?” He shakes his head up and down, and I continue, “Well, here is a paid trip for you and Ben to Alaska, as a thank you for everything you have done for me.” I notice Colton’s face turning red, as his mouth drops open.

  “You should shut your mouth, so you don’t catch a fly.” I throw Colton a quick wink, turning and walking back to the house to finish bringing my clothes out. Damn, that felt good.

  I’m in the zone, when I hear something, so I look over to Colton, standing next to me in the bedroom. He must have slipped in the back of the house. “Babe, can we talk this out. I want you and the kids in my life. I’m so sorry for everything.” He begs.

  “Will you please just stop for a minute and look at our marriage? It has been up and down over the years, but it’s over. For the past fifteen years, I realize I haven’t been living, and I’ve been just a shell of a person. I’m not happy, and I don’t trust you, so no, we can’t talk or work this out. We. Are. Done.”

  As he walks away, I hear him mumbling about a gift that he gave to Clarissa. I know right then that this is all about the trip. He doesn’t care about me one single bit. He still thinks he has control over me with his sweet words, but he has another thing coming.

  Turning I say, “You know, if I truly believed you loved her, I would feel sorry for her. Well, maybe. However, you both will get sick of each other, or you will cheat on her just like you did me. The only innocent person involved in this mess is the life you created together, but I will not be a part of that. You two made your choice, and now, you must live with it. You can’t blame anyone except yourselves. I pray to God that you don’t fuck up this kid. The only people I care about are the two that came from our marriage. At least, that’s the only good thing about all those years. And right now, they’re packing all of their stuff, so we can start our second happily ever after without you. You’re right, though. I’m not sad or sorry because I know I gave this my all. You didn’t, and that’s on you.”

  “That’s our biggest problem, Claire. You never showed any emotion. If you would have shown a tenth of that emotion from that last statement, I would have fought harder. We could still have our happily ever after, but I was never enough for you.”

  “Do you even believe that bullshit? You are the one who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants ever. Maybe you have some insecurity issues, but that’s on you. I was the one who felt like I was never enough, but I don’t have to explain myself to you anymore. I can’t, no that’s not right, I won’t bow down. You’re not better than me, and I deserve better than what I’ve been given for the last fifteen years.”

  Turning to go back inside my bedroom, I find more memories and little things that I thought meant so much to us and our lives. Now, I know they meant nothing, and that pisses me off again. How could I feel have felt so much for someone, who felt absolutely nothing for me? Where did I go wrong? Is there something wrong with me? This is the shit that keeps running through my head. Vaguely, I hear Molly on the phone, saying she thinks I’m having a nervous breakdown.

  Well, what am I supposed to be having? I mean, come on. First, it was my husband, and then my fucking twin sister. The person who is literally supposed to be my other half. Who does that shit? Fuck, I need to get my shit together, before Carly and Carson see me. “Guys, can you finish my clothes? I’m going to get my stuff from the bathroom.”

  “We love you, and of course, we are here for you, so please don’t lock the door.” Molly says, and I walk over, wrapping my arms around my best friend.

  “I promise I’m not, Molly. I just need a minute or two. I know it will hurt less in time, but right now, I need the pain.” I walk into the bathroom, pulling up my Spotify app, and hitting play on one of my favorite songs “Wanted You More” by Lady Antebellum.

  Yes, this song is so me right now.

  Grabbing my body and hair care products, I allow a few tears to flow, because I feel as though I’m losing a part of my identity. I’ve always been Colton’s wife, and Carly and Carson’s Mom. Yes, I’m also a nurse and a damn good friend, but this hurts more than I thought. I know I will eventually heal and grow from this, and it will take some time, but someday, I’ll get there. I look around, realizing just how little of me is in this house. Is this why I'm so easy to replace? No, the right person won’t want to replace me.

  I will be enough!

  I know I still have Molly and Frank, and they won’t leave me. They love me, and I them, and I couldn’t have done this without them. I own that shit, but I won’t hold them back, because I care about them too much. They know how hard this is for all of us. I mean, they are busting their asses to help get us out of here, as quickly as possible.

  I grab some bags and walk down the hall, seeing Carly crying on her bed. “Frank, can you get these?” He grabs the bags, as I walk into her room. She stares up at me with tear stained cheeks and snot coming out of her nose, so I walk up, wrapping her in my arms. “Baby girl, what’s wrong? Tell Momma, so I can fix it for you.”

  “Is Dad really having a baby with Aunt Clarissa? Why did he do this to us? Am I a bad kid, or does he hate me? Is this some type of punishment?” She hits me with so many questions.

  “Carly Lynn, I don’t ever want to hear you say something like that again. Let me get your brother in here, so I can answer any questions you both may have. Hopefully, I can help you both, as much as I can. Carson Phillip, come in here please!”

  “You rang. Oh, shit. What’s wrong, Carly? Did he hit you?” He asks, looking at me.

  “No, now sit down here and listen to me. Yes, your dad is having a baby with Aunt Clarissa, and we know how. The most important thing is this,” I make sure that both of them are paying attention to me, stressing the next few words. “This has absolutely nothing to do with either of you. It’s not some form of punishment, and neither your father nor I hate you. You are both amazing kids, and we love you very much. This is about your dad and me. Sometimes, forever doesn’t quite work out. Life is a gamble, and if you never try, then you’ll never truly live. I don’t regret anything that has happened between your father and me, even the hard stuff has taught me a lesson, making me the person I am today. I need you guys to always remember, no matter what happens in life, you two are always the most important people, and everything I do is with you guys in mind.”

  We all wrap our arms around each other, and I hear Colton clearing his throat from the doorway. “Maybe I should’ve been here for this conversation, since it involves me.”

  “Really? Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Carson snaps out.

  “Carson, please just listen. I’m not going to make excuses or try and sugar coat what I’ve done. Was it wrong? Yes, but should I really be disowned by my family?”

  “Colton, you may want to rethink asking these questions, right now.” I say softly, yet firmly.

  “Dad, you cheated more than once, and yes, Carly and I have always known.” Carson states as matter of fact, and it breaks my heart. I thought I was protecting them by staying and not saying anything.

  “There is a lot that happened in our marriage that you don’t know about, and we both have made mistakes. Your mom is completely right, and we both love you two more than anything in the world. Our divorce is not because of you. We just grew apart, and honestly, we should’ve done this a long time ago. However, we’re not punishing anyone, ourselves included.”

  “Thank you, Colton. I truly hope you find what you’re looking for, and the happiness that I could never give you.” He nods his head, presses a kiss to both kids’ heads, and whispers, “I’m sorry.” As he turns and leave
s.

  I sit there with my kids holding them, while they let all the hurt and anger out. I don’t know how long we sit there wrapped together, until Carson sits up and wipes his eyes, as he informs us that he’s starving. We all laugh, as the tension begins to break.

  He turns, looking to both Carly and I, as he says, “I love you both, but I think we have cried enough over him, so as soon as we leave here, there will be no more tears. It’s truly time to start our second happily ever after.”

  “You are absolutely right, and I love you so much. Thank you. Carly, you good with that?”

  “Yes, but I need some moose tracks tonight.”

  “I’m good with that. Carson, what can I get you?”

  “Pizza from our favorite pizza place with pepperoni and bacon.”

  “Okay, I’ll order it, when I get the cars loaded, so let’s roll.”

  About that time, Morgan walks into the room, “Everything is loaded, except what you guys want in your cars.” He says, and we all thank him.

  Walking through the entire house once more, is bittersweet because this was supposed to be our forever home. It makes me sad, as I think back to all the memories I’m leaving here. Bringing the kids home from the hospital, decorating the nursery, their first steps, their first words, and their first everything really.

  Molly wraps her arms around me, as she whispers, “At least, you get to take the memories with you in your heart, and he can’t keep them from you.”

  “Thank you. Now, let’s go, so I can feed everyone.”

  Laughing the guys say, “Finally.” As I walk out the door for the final time, I wonder where Colton went, but in this moment, I know that I don’t really care.

  “He took Clarissa out of here, after he helped load up the SUVs with everything from downstairs he wanted you to have, including all of the pots, pans, and dishes. He asked me to give you this letter, but you’re not to read it, until after everyone leaves tonight, and the kids go to bed.” Frank tells me softly. Almost as if he’s afraid of hurting my heart any more.

  “Thanks, Frank. You’re the best friend a girl could ever have, and I love you so much.”

  “Doll, you only love me cause I’m gay. Plus, I have such great taste in men and clothes.”

  “Oh, ha ha. You caught me. Now, Molly and I can check out guys with you!”

  “Sure, you can, sweetheart. By the way, I think she has the hots for your lawyer. She needs a good guy because the last one was hard on her.”

  “Shit, I didn’t even know she was seeing someone. I’m such a shitty friend.”

  “No doll, you have been dealing with your own stuff. She understands and loves you, so don’t worry, because she will dish, when she’s ready.”

  “You’re so right. You can’t get her to talk, until she’s ready.”

  “Yep, that’s our girl!” “Let’s roll, doll.”

  Morgan leads the way with Carly, Carson, and Ben, following close behind. The police officer stays back with me, as I stop at the end of the driveway and silently say goodbye one last time, allowing a few tears to flow freely. After a while, I begin the drive to my new temporary home with the kids.

  The more I drive the more my mind spins with all of this mess. I’ve tried to see this from Colton’s point of view, but I can’t. I’ve told him, since day one, that if he wanted out to please be honest about it. Yes, it would’ve hurt, but I wouldn’t have hated him. Honestly, I still don’t know if I actually hate him. I hate the situation that’s a given. I’m more disappointed in my sister than anything. Clarissa knew how much it hurt me, when he cheated, and how I felt about myself, yet she still did it. I almost want to know why, but then I question is it truly worth knowing? I don’t know, and only time will be able to tell.

  I pull into my new driveway, and it hits me all of a sudden that I’m alone. I’m the one responsible for all the decisions made and for every mistake that might occur. It’s all one hundred percent on me.

  God, is this really my life now?

  I start recognizing that I’m about to have a panic attack. The air isn’t coming, and my heart feels as if it’s about to beat right out of my chest. My palms are so clammy, and my whole-body shakes. The nausea is almost too much to bear, and I open my door, as I put my head between my knees, trying to even out my breathing. Some people think it’s so easy to breathe evenly, but they have no idea. After a while, I start feeling in better control of myself, as I open my eyes, seeing Morgan standing in the garage, watching me.

  “Sorry I took so long.”

  “Please don’t be sorry. Molly ordered the pizza, and I’m going to run and get it, so I’ll be back. I just want you to understand one thing. You are not in this alone. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I’m here, if you need me. So please, let me be your friend.”

  “Okay, thank you very much. That means a lot. Oh yeah, here is my debit card for the pizza.” I say, handing him my card.

  “Sure, I’ll take your card, but Molly and I have it covered, and she asked to ride with me. Ben and his partner, Brett, are off duty now, and they are inside with Carson, playing Call of Duty on the Xbox 360. I think they’re long lost brothers. Frank has a date, so he had to get beautified, and Carly went with him. She said she’d be back, so I hope it’s okay that I told her to go ahead and go.”

  “Yeah, she needs some time alone to deal with stuff her own way. As soon as I can get it through her head that it’s not her fault, I’m hoping things will be better. Thanks again, and I’ll see you and Molly in a bit. Oh Morgan, I’ve seen the way Molly looks at you. My advice, for what it’s worth, is to take a chance. Life is too short to let something good slip away.” As I walk away, I feel his eyes on me, and I know he is thinking hard about what I said. I hope our friendship continues to grow into more with time. He seems like a wonderful person.

  Waiting for everyone to come back, I decide to unpack my bedroom and put everything away. I take a quick shower, throw on my yoga pants and a t-shirt, brush my hair and teeth, and then put my hair into a messy knot on my head. I walk into Carson’s room and start making his bed, as they play the Xbox.

  “Hey Mom. You want to play?” “You’re a funny guy, Carson.”

  “What’s so funny? Brett’s wife plays with him all the time, and she’s damn good.” Ben says, looking right at me.

  “I didn’t know you were married, Brett. How long, and what’s her name?” He gets a dreamy look on his face, as his smile lights up the room.

  “Her name is Bailey Jane, and we just celebrated eight years together, and no, we don’t have any kids. We knew, before marriage, that we couldn’t have any children, but I get her, so no worries. She’ll like you, Molly, and Frank. The next time you guys do your girls night let me know, and I’ll send her over.”

  “Sounds great. Is she busy tonight? She’s more than welcome.”

  “Nah, she is going to school right now, but thanks anyway. Actually, I think I’m going to head on home, so I can help her study.”

  “Have a great night and thank you so much for everything. Carson, when the girls have their ladies’ night, hit me up, and I’ll try to get off, so we can play again.”

  “What about you, Ben? Do you have a lady?”

  “I don’t think there is just one that can handle me.” We laugh, but then he gets serious. “There is someone, and we’ve been talking and hanging out. I want more, but she is hesitant.”

  “Should we be worried?”

  “Oh, hell no. It’s nothing like that. Her dad was pretty mean, when she was younger, and he actually ended up killing her mom. Strike one against me is because I have a penis. Strike two is that I’m a cop, and he was one also, which is how he got away with all the abuse. However, he did go to prison for rape, but he didn’t last two months, after his sentencing. For now, we’re just talking and taking it slow. I must admit, at first, I thought Morgan had the hots for you, but now, I see it’s Molly. Believe me though,
if Janelle didn’t already own my heart, I’d be all over you.”

  “Dude, that’s my mom, and don’t ever think of her like that. It’s the bro code.”

  “I hate to be the one to tell you, but everyone, including your friends, thinks your mom is hot. Hell, even Frank does, and he’s gay.”

  “Okay, guys. Let’s change the topic. I need to work on me and my problems, before I even think of getting into a relationship.” I walk out, heading to Carly’s room to make up her bed. After I finish a few more things, I go downstairs, putting some stuff away, but I feel the exhaustion wash over me. Slowly I climb the stairs, and as I pass by Carson’s room, I tell him I’m going to bed.

  “You can’t go to bed. You haven’t eaten, yet.”

  “I love you, but right now, I need to sleep for a while. I worked a twelve-hour shift Friday and only slept like three hours, before I had to get up and meet Morgan. I really just need to sleep. I promise, I’ll be okay.”

  I slowly walk down the hallway to my room, leaving the door open, as I sit down on the bed. I really did it. I left my husband, and then cut all ties with my sister. Gosh, what happened to my life? I never wanted any of this to happen. I just want to be happy.

  I will be happy, and I don’t need a man. I have myself and my kids. I’m going to call Dr. Savage tomorrow and talk these feelings out. I know this doesn’t make me weak for talking to someone. I just need to vent more than anything. Then, she and I can review them, so I can get on the path of healing. As I plug my phone in to charge, I see I have some messages. There are twelve in all, and most are from Clarissa.

  Clarissa: You ruined my life.

  Clarissa: You destroyed Colton. He’s drunk at the bar because of you.

  Clarissa: You should be thanking me for making him happy.

 

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