by R. S James
And it goes on and on, but I just leave them, because I know I will need them for my case. I send Molly and Carly a text, letting them know I’m going to bed. I lean over, making sure my Nook is plugged in, and then shut the lights off. I lay in the darkness for a few minutes, before sleep finally takes over.
Claire
I toss and turn all night long, thinking about the decisions that are weighing heavy on my mind and heart. Am I doing the right thing? Am I setting myself up for failure? Will things ever get better?
With a heavy heart, I grab my phone, heading downstairs to make a phone call. I need a place, where I can be alone, in order get some expert advice. I go outside to the pool house, closing the door and letting out a sigh, as I make my way over to the lounge.
With shaking hands, I place a call to Dr. Savage on her private line. It rings twice, before she answers. “I wondered how long it would take, before you’d call me.”
“You know doc, as funny as you are, I think you could make at least double your money, as a comedian. If I were you, I would seriously think of a career change.”
“Well, then who would you call for expert advice?”
“I still have your cell number, so I can call you anytime.”
“Ha ha. You’re a funny girl this morning. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of our systems. How about you tell me the real reason you're calling me at 6:45 on this lovely Sunday morning?”
I start at the beginning, telling her everything. When I get to the part where he said we both made mistakes, I begin really unloading.
“I so was pissed off. I mean, how fucking dare he talk about me like that. He’s the one that cheated not just once, but several times. And this time, it’s with my motherfucking twin sister. I just held it in and told the kids I loved them. I’m completely heartbroken because the kids and I moved. I’m the one leaving the house they were raised in. I mean, he betrayed our trust and vows, so why should we have to leave the only home we have had for so many years? Molly was there, and she reminded me that the house may no longer be mine, but the memories always will be.” With tears rolling down my face, I can finally admit out loud, “I know she’s right.” I take a long, deep breath, before I continue.
“I know we are toxic for each other, but it still hurts, even though it has been over for a long time. I always thought we had forever, and I guess we did, until I made the decision that I’ve had enough. Is this supposed to hurt? Am I supposed to feel guilt, hatred, and anger? I know they are all honest emotions, and not everyone feels the same way. I also know there is no right or wrong answer, when it comes to feelings. I guess I just need to hear that I did everything I could, but right now, I’m not even sure that will help. I know I need to let go, but how am I supposed to move on?” I say, sitting in my chair and drawing lines on a scrap piece of paper. I don’t know what it is about doodling, but it helps me get everything out.
“Maybe I’m stupid, but how can he just let go of the vows and promises we made? I have so much hurt and anger built up towards him for being a coward and cheating. Am I that much of a horrible person that he couldn’t just come and tell me? And let’s not forget the anger and hatred towards Clarissa.” With angry tears streaming down my face, I wait for the doctor to tell me what I need to hear.
“Listen Claire, you know you are not the only one to blame. This was a relationship, which means, if you both don’t put forth the effort, then it’s not going to work. He wanted something that he didn’t need to work for, and women made that easy for him. You’re right, if he loved you as he promised to, then he wouldn’t need another woman. Sure, he could’ve been attracted to them, but he wouldn’t have acted on it. You are entitled to your feelings, whatever they may be. He hurt you deeply, and this is not something you can simply just get over. Your heart, mind, body, and soul need time to heal and adjust.” Dr. Savage calmly tells me, as she pauses for a minute.
“You cannot control how your children feel. All you can do is make sure they know how much you love and care about them. You can’t reassure them that he loves them because he must do that. His relationship with the kids has no bearing on you, and he has to choose how’s it’s going to play out. I know you want to make everything perfect for them, but the real world isn’t perfect, and they will adjust because they are awesome kids.” She stops again for a minute, letting me take all of this in.
“Molly was right. The memories will always be with you in your heart and mind, and there’s nothing he can do to stop those. I don’t think you guys were toxic for each other. However, once he made the decision to be unfaithful and emotionally abusive towards you, he became toxic for you. I believe with everything in me that, if you hadn’t already been in here seeing me and holding your ground, you wouldn’t have gotten your degree or be where you are today. You are one hundred percent right. There is no right or wrong answer, when dealing with feelings. You can feel any way you choose to do so, and I nor anyone else can tell you how to feel, or if it’s right or wrong. You’re going to feel hurt, anger, and maybe hatred to an extent, because he betrayed your trust and lied to you several times.” I know what she is saying is true, and this is exactly what I need.
“The reason you can’t just let it go is because you care, and the relationship ended in a way that has hurt you. Yes, he cheated, and you have given in time and time again, but this time, it was deliberate. Both of them knew that being together would hurt you more than anything. They used your feelings against you. I’m very surprised you aren’t more upset at Clarissa, because she knew all of your feelings, and what you have already been through.”
“I’m plenty pissed at her. I’m just trying to get all my anger out one person at a time.”
“Claire, I want you to write a letter to both Clarissa and Colton. You may or may not give them the letters, but this will help you let go of some of the anger towards them. I think this will help you.”
“Okay, I can do that. When can I see you, so that you can read the letters?”
“Can you have them done Tuesday? I will be here between four and five. Just remember, they are just for you and no one else. We can talk about how you’re feeling, and what the next step will be.”
“Yes, that works for me. See ya at 4:00 on Tuesday. Thanks for always listening.”
Walking over to the window, after I finish my call, I decide to take a swim in the pool. Going to get my suit, I turn some music on, and then stop by Carson’s door, when I hear him up moving around. I give a quick knock, as he yells, “Come on in.”
He looks up, seeing me, “Hey Momma. What’s up?”
“Nothing babe. Aren’t you and your dad going fishing today?”
“Yeah, but I feel like he cheated on all of us, so I’m not going.”
I let out a sigh, knowing this is going to suck ass. “Listen, he is still your dad, and I want you to have a relationship with him. You guys need that. I also want that for Carly, so please just think about going and spending time with him. Don’t shut your relationship off with him over a part of our relationship ending. You and your sister only have a little longer, and then you’re going to be off to college and starting your lives. Spend time with your dad, while he is here. People don’t live forever. I wish with everything inside me that I could have my dad back, and only if he were as healthy as he was, when I was a kid. Just promise to keep an open mind. I’m not saying move in with him, but don’t cut him completely out of your life.”
“Okay, Mom. I will do this for you. If he says one bad thing though, I make no promises.”
“Thank you. This makes me happy. I love you, Carson.”
“Love you too, Momma.”
Walking down to my room, my phone starts to ring. Looking down, I see my soon to be ex’s name. Oh my God, what does Colton want now?
“Hello.”
“Hey. What are you up to this morning?” He sounds so chipper and happy.
“Why are you calling me?”
“Can’t I just call my wife?” He says, like he is begging me with his voice to believe it.
“Listen, we’re getting a divorce. I can’t do this anymore, and I shouldn’t have to.”
“Okay, you’re right. I wanted to know if you would be willing to do a baby shower for Clarissa and me? It would mean so much to us. Also, we would like you to be our child’s godmother.” I stop walking and put my hand to the wall. I must have heard him wrong. He has lost his flipping mind.
“Are you fucking serious? Wait, are you drunk? You have to be because you cannot seriously think that I’m going to do anything for you guys. No, I will not do a baby show or be your child’s godmother. I can’t just act like this didn’t happen. Please don’t ask Carson or Carly either. And Colton, don’t call me anymore with stupid bullshit.”
Forgetting all about swimming, I decide to do the exercise that Dr. Savage suggested this morning. Grabbing paper and pen, I sit down and write my letter to Colton.
Dear Colton,
As much as I don’t want to do this, I’m writing a letter, so I can express how I’m feeling. Some of it may not be nice, but it needs to be said. Why did you have to be a coward? Why couldn’t you just come to me? I would have let you go, if that’s what you truly wanted. What is worse is that you cheated with my sister. Who does that?
I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be who and what you needed. Please believe me, when I say, I truly tried and wanted to be your everything. I think I figured out where our problems started. In the very beginning, you wanted me to not go back to work and just stay home, and I couldn’t. That’s not me. That was strike one. Strike two was that you treated me like I was just there to please you. Strike three was the way you treated me because I put the kids before you. Maybe that’s a good mom trait, and maybe it’s not, but I did the best for them. We had a great run, and you gave me two amazing children. For that, I can’t be sorry.
In the end, it seems there was no room for just me in your heart. Still, I tried so hard to change your mind. I want you to be a part of the kids’ lives always. With that being said, I cannot be a part of your life. My heart has always been yours, and I will always care about you for no other reason than Carson and Carly. You have taught me so much about myself. Thank you for allowing me to be a mother and a wife. You know the old saying, you are stronger than you think. It’s one hundred percent right. Last year, I would have probably forgiven you and taken you back. Now, I’m strong enough to let you go.
I truly hope you find happiness and love in your life. I can’t say I’m sorry it’s not with me because I’m worth so much more that. Someday, I will find real love, but right now, I’m focusing on me. I believe that when you find the one, you shouldn’t have to change, or try to be enough. You simply will be, and I want that for me.
So, this is me letting you go. I will talk to you about Carson and Carly only. Please don’t call and ask me for anything else because the answer is no.
I need time for my heart to heal. I’ve come to realize that I should have left you a long time ago, after you betrayed me the first time. Again, I’m stronger than I was, but I still have a long way to go. I never want to see you unhappy, even though you wrecked me. I also hope you would want the same for me. I’m still so broken right now, but I know in time, I will be ready to give love another chance.
I need for you to do some things for me. If you see me at the store, on the street, at our children’s sporting events, then please leave me alone. Just pretend I’m not there. I need time. I need space, and I need you out of my life. I wish you nothing but the best, and maybe one day, we will be friends or at least civil.
All my best,
Claire
Claire
After reading over the letter, I feel better for getting it all down. The hurt is still there and will be for a while, but now, I know I will move on and be a better person.
I grab my swim suit, heading into my bathroom to change. Looking at myself in the mirror, I can definitely see changes. Wow, I’ve lost a lot of weight, since I wore this last. I grab a t-shirt, sliding it over my suit, as I grab my Nook and phone. I make my way downstairs, heading out to the pool in my backyard. I hook my phone up to the speakers, slip my shirt off, and then walk to the edge of the pool and dive in.
Man, this water feels incredible on my skin. Swimming around in the pool feels so refreshing. I’m relaxed fully for the first time in years. After I do about fifteen laps, I start feeling it in my legs, so I switch over, floating on my back. I could really get used to this.
Seeing a shadow on the water, I look to the side, seeing Morgan and Molly standing there watching me. “Guys, I’m not suicidal.”
“What are you talking about, chick? We never said that.”
“Don’t bullshit a bull-shitter. You guys were watching to make sure I’m safe. I will admit to being angry, but he sure as hell isn’t getting that kind of control on my life. I will be okay, I promise.”
“Well, you won’t mind if I join you, then?”
“No, Molly. I think I have another suit in my dresser upstairs.”
I watch in total shock, as my best friend takes her clothes off, in front of my lawyer, and dives in. “Molly, what the fuck?”
“What? I’m just living a little.”
“My lawyer is literally standing right there.”
“Christ, Claire. He has seen everything I have before, I’m sure. You should join in. You're fucking beautiful, and I wish I had your body.”
“Thank you. That makes me feel good. Well, I still don’t want to be naked in front of him. Plus, I barely know him. I love you, but you’re crazy.”
“Well, good bitch, because I’m not going anywhere, and I love you, too.”
Getting out to get some sun, I look over to Morgan, “Hey. If you want to swim, I can go get a pair of Carson’s trunks.”
“Would you please?”
“Yep. Be right back!”
As I start to make my way upstairs, I swear I hear Morgan say, “You’re going to pay for that later, my dear.” Maybe they will find a happily ever after together. I get the swimming trunks, while also getting Molly a swimming suit. I don’t need Carson coming down to the pool, seeing my friend swimming in the nude.
Heading back down, I stop and grab three bottles of water out of the fridge. When I walk out, Morgan is on the phone in what looks like a heated conversation. Wonder what that is all about? I see Molly, laying on the lounge chair, so I walk over, handing her the suit, as she smiles back, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.
“What’s wrong, little lady?” She just looks over at Morgan and back at me.
“Come on. Give it time, babe. You guys just met a couple days ago, and it wasn’t the best way either. I see the way he looks at you. He’s definitely interested.” She shakes her head, but before she can say anything, Morgan walks over.
“Hey Morgan. Is everything, okay? You looked kinda stressed on the phone over there.”
“No, but I won’t l lie or hide this from you. Colton and Carson were in a fight, and Carson broke his nose. Clarissa is pushing for Colton to press charges.”
“Oh, my God. That stupid, bitch. I just want one peaceful day. Let me change, so I can go get my boy.”
I run upstairs, taking two steps at a time and try to hurry, so I can get to Carson. I throw on a tank top and shorts, and then I grab extra money, because I don’t know if there will be bail money or not. I wonder what happened to cause Carson to go off like that. He’s always had a slight temper, but usually, he can control it. So, someone had to provoke him. It doesn’t matter though because he’s my son, and my only priority right now. Running back down the stairs, I say, “Let’s roll if you’re going.”
Molly says, “Hell yeah, I’m going. I want to see Colton bleeding like a stuck pig! And I can’t wait to give Carson a high five. He’s a badass kid.” Looking at Morgan, she states, “He gets his badass ways from his Aunt Mo
lly, ya know.”
We all burst out laughing. As we make our way to the car, I have a feeling this is going to end up being a long ass day. Hopefully, I won’t end up in jail with my son.
******
We finally make it to the hospital, but we are stopped by a hysterical Clarissa. “That’s the bastard’s mom. I want her to go to jail, if Colton won't press charges on Carson, just because he’s his son. He certainly didn’t care, when he broke his dad’s nose and eye socket.”
“Look Clarissa, I know you're worried about Colton, but you need to stop calling my son names. If the police need to take me in, then fine I’ll go, but don’t think you're better than either of us. These are our children, and it’s probably for the best, if you remember that. Now, please tell me where my son is, so we can get the fuck out of here.”
“Fine, follow me, but be quiet because Colton is resting. Today has been very stressful for both of us. Not only did his son break his nose, but I had to be checked out due to cramping.” Her voice is like nails on a chalkboard, and I roll my eyes.
As we walk down the hallway, I hear Carson, “You were not having any cramping. You just wanted to be checked out because you weren’t the center of attention. Dad, I still don’t see what you see in that broad. Guess we’ll have to hang out, when she’s gone, because I won’t be going to your house, if she’s there.”
“I need you to respect her, as I plan on marrying her. She is also carrying your half-sibling.”
“You can spew that shit about half-siblings all day long, but I’m telling you straight up, Carly is the only sibling I have or will ever have. I’m not asking you to choose us over her or the spawn, but don’t expect us to be over the moon. I mean, you destroyed our family. You have always told me to be honest about everything, and you do the complete opposite. I feel like our whole lives have been a lie.”
