It begins with goodbye

by R. S James

  “You’re the only person I want to do that stuff with. I love you and only you, too.” I launch myself at him, kissing him deep and hard.

  Resting my forehead on his, I whisper, “Tonight, we can cry, but tomorrow, no more tears. I don’t want to die. I want to grow old with you. There are some hard decisions I must make, and I need to know that you will follow my wishes, even if they break your heart. Tonight though, I just want you to hold me and love me, like it could be our last time.”

  “Babe, I can promise this will not be the last time we do this. We will live a long and happy life together. I’ll follow your wishes for no other reason than it’s what you want. We’ll take everything a day at a time. Now, let’s get clean and go to bed.”

  I wake up in the next morning, hearing Caitlynn chitter chatter to her babies. Thankfully, she is feeling better, and I don’t feel any different today. I’m still a mom, a wife, a nurse, and a woman. Only now, I have cancer growing inside of me. As I watch my daughter eat her toast, it makes me realize I can do this.

  I have seven days, before I have a major operation and then start chemo. I have so much to do before this. Oh, my God. I still haven’t told Carly and Carson yet. I haven’t told anyone, except Maddox. I feel like I’m drifting along in the ocean, when I feel him wrap his arms around me. That is the exact moment I feel grounded. I feel safe and sure I’m going to be okay.

  Turning around in his arms, I softly kiss him and tell him, “Thank you.” He looks at me with questions on his face, but I just shake my head and place it on his chest. We stand like that for a few minutes, then I realize it’s quiet. Looking around the corner, we see Caitlynn sleeping on the floor. She looks just like an angel sleeping there. Maddox goes to put her in her bed, as the phone rings.

  It’s Carly. I explain to her about the family meeting Monday, and she agrees to be here. We talk for a few more minutes, but she sounds preoccupied, so I assume she wants to get back with Xavier.

  Hanging up, I turn to Maddox, “Let’s just be a normal family this weekend.”

  “Whatever you want, babe. Would you do something with me? I want us to get matching tattoos. I believe we should get an anchor, since we’ve kept each other anchored. Maybe with our anniversary date on it?”

  “Yes, I think we can manage that. I’ll make our appointment.”

  We spend the weekend doing family things together. I’m nervous about telling the kids Monday, but I know it has to be done.

  Claire

  It’s Sunday night, and we have had an awesome weekend together. I need to shower, so Maddox helps me upstairs. When I’m done, he wraps me up in a towel and dries me off. I head off to bed, and I think I’m asleep, before my head hits the pillow. Suddenly, I hear some pounding on the door. Stumbling around, I find some pants and one of Maddox’s shirts, as I head downstairs. Opening the door, I cannot believe who I’m seeing, as Colton stands on my front porch. I’m so flabbergasted I cannot even think of anything to say, except, “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  “Baby, I’ve missed you, and I want another chance. I love you so much, and I was so dumb to leave you for Clarissa. I want our family to be whole again.” I can’t even form a thought, so I slam the door shut. Running back upstairs, I grab my phone and call Maddox. I have to leave a message, so I call Carly and Carson.

  Carly gets here first, and I hear her shouting loudly at her dad, so I go outside to make sure it doesn’t get out of hand. As soon as I step outside, I see Maddox’s truck, flying down the road. Just the sight of his truck makes me truly believe that I’m going to be okay. He jumps out and walks straight up to me, wrapping his arms around me. Then I hear Carson yelling, and I ask Maddox, “When did he get here?”

  “He followed me. We were meeting at the hospital and having lunch with our girl.”

  I hear Carly say to Colton, “Dad, I told you, after you blackmailed me this last time, that I was done with you, and I mean it. When Xavier and I get married, it will be Maddox walking me down the aisle. As a matter of fact, I’m not even inviting you. Listen and listen well. I’m done with you. You are dead to me.” Now, I know why she’s been acting different. Fucking Colton.

  Carson steps in next, “Well, now you have managed, all on your own, to alienate all of your kids from your life. Any other life goals?”

  “Well, not all of my kids. Clarissa says she is pregnant again.”

  “Oh, my God. Please tell me you’re not here to give up this child, too. I cannot believe that you haven’t gotten fixed yet.”

  “Listen, Clarissa doesn’t love me, and I don’t love her. We can have our family back.” He has to be high. I mean, no one is this stupid.

  “Colton, I need you to listen, and this is the last time I ever want to see you again. I’m divorced from you for a reason. You wanted everyone but me, and I deserve better than that. I found a man that loves me for me. I also just found out that I have cancer, and guess what, he’s still here by my side. You would have run as far and as fast as you could have. I hope you find someone that loves you the way I love Maddox, and he loves me.”

  “I can take care of you. I love you, and I want our family back.”

  “You’re not listening to me. What we had was an illusion. It wasn’t real, because if it were, I would feel something right now towards you, but I feel absolutely nothing. Now, I can see my kids have a lot of questions for me. So, for the final time, I don’t want to see you ever again. If I do, I will get a restraining order on you.”

  “Can I see Caitlynn?”

  This guy just doesn’t get it. “No! You signed all your rights away, as if she were a car. She doesn’t know you, and she never will. Maddox and I are her parents now. Carly and Carson come on in, so I can explain this.” Still holding Maddox’s hand, we walk into the house and close the door.

  With a sigh, I drop my head to his chest, “Well, that didn’t go over like I thought. I had hoped to break it to the kids gently.”

  He softly kisses my head, “It will be okay. We have each other and the kids.”

  “You make me believe in myself, and in us. I don’t know what I did that was so great to get you, but I’m so thankful for that, and every second I have you.” I kiss his lips softly, and neither of us move, until we hear a throat clearing behind us.

  Walking together to the chair, he sits down and puts me in his lap, as we begin explaining everything that has happened to the kids. It’s hard to get through, but with Maddox by my side, I feel as though I can get through anything.

  “Mom, how did you get this?” Carly asks crying.

  “I don’t know, and the doctors don’t know. However, it is only stage two, so I’ll be okay, I promise.”

  “Are you going to die?” Carson asks, losing his battle with the tears.

  “I promise you right now I will do everything in my power to fight this and win. I can’t tell you that I’ll live forever because we all know that would be a lie. What I can promise is to fight, as hard as I can.”

  Carly walks out of the room, and I start to freak out, thinking she is having a breakdown. I should have known better, because about three minutes later, she comes back in and tells me she has a bath drawn for me, and she will make dinner for everyone.

  She turns, asking, “How did Molly and Frank take the news?”

  “I told you I haven’t told anyone, except you kids and Maddox.” I turn around to get undressed, and I hear her sniffle. I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight, while she cries it out. She is breaking my heart.

  “I don’t want you to die. Can’t God just take me and leave you here?”

  “Carly Lynn, it would destroy me, if anything ever happened to you. I’m a fighter. Plus, I have you, Carson, Caitlynn, Xavier, and Maddox to live for. I can promise you I will not give up without a fight.”

  “I love you.”

  “Baby girl, I love you more than you will ever know.” She nods her head and walks out. I drain the
bath and just start the shower, while I sit on the floor and cry.

  I cry for the pain my kids are feeling. I cry for the unfairness of the situation. I cry because Caitlynn is so young, and she isn’t going to understand that Mommy is too sick to play, or why I will be bald. I don’t know how long I sat in there and cry, before I feel Maddox wrap me in his arms, until I finally quit crying.

  Gently but firmly, he grips my chin, so I look at him, “Babe, you're stronger than this, but when you feel like you’re not strong enough, can you let me be the strength you need? We’ll be perfect together, and I will be right beside you the whole time. Nothing will stop me from being with you every step of the way. I need you to believe in me, as much as I do.”

  “I promise, my love. I will let you be the strength I need, when I don’t have it.”

  He lets out a breath I didn’t realize he was holding. “I’ve got you, babe.”

  ******

  The next morning everyone is already gone, so I throw on some clothes, heading downstairs to just relax. My boss called earlier, saying my shifts are covered, so that’s one less thing off my list.

  As I sit on my porch, I decide I need to do something, so I go to the local greenhouse and buy a truck bed full of flowers, and then start planting. I had no idea digging in the dirt, and matching flowers in the flower beds was so much of a stress reliever. I have gone all around the porch, when I realize that I have been out in the sun all day and only had a bagel to eat. I can’t be upset because my house looks so pretty, and I did it.

  I’m walking back to the house from the shed, when I hear the truck pull in. Caitlynn sees me first, and she takes off running. It takes me a minute, but I realize she has on her Christmas dress, which is green and gold with blue leggings with skulls all over them. “Mommy! Look, Daddy let me dress myself today. Everybody at daycare said how awesome I look!” Bending down, as she launches herself at me, so I can catch her, I laugh.

  “I bet they did because you are so awesome. I love you. What did you do at daycare today?”

  She starts talking a mile a minute, explaining every single part of her day. When she finally stops, I say, “That’s so awesome. I’m glad you had a good day. Want to see what I did today? I just know you’re going to love it. Look at all the pretty flowers I planted.” Her whole face lights up.

  Letting her down, so she can inspect all the flowers, Maddox comes over, wrapping his arms around me. “Babe, I’m not sure I want the kids to stay here. I know they want to be close, and if I’m really sick, or you have to work, that is fine. But they have their own lives they need to live.”

  “I understand both sides, so you’re going to have to talk to them about it, when they come over for dinner tonight. We need to pack our bags for the hospital, so we can be there right at four forty- five tomorrow morning. I can almost guarantee that they will stay tonight and miss class tomorrow.”

  “What are we going to tell Caitlynn?”

  “She knows something is going on. She is smart. We’re going to tell her that you have something in your belly that the doctors have to take out. That you’re going to spend the night at the hospital, and then you will be home with us Saturday.”

  Turning in his arms, I wrap mine around his neck, “I was headed back to the house from the shed, when I heard your truck, and I stopped at the corner and just watched you. I thought to myself my God he is mine, and you can bet your sweet ass I’m not giving him up without a fight. I love you, babe.” He reaches down, kissing me sweetly, and it’s moments like this that make everything better.

  Later that night, Carson still hasn’t shown up at the house for dinner, and it’s starting to worry me. He has a need to fix everything for everyone, but he doesn’t handle stuff good himself. I tell everyone I’ll be back, as I head to the place I know I will find him at the local football field. When I get there, he sits just as I suspected at the fifty-yard line, and I don’t make a sound, as I climb the bleachers and sit next to him. I also don’t make a sound, when his head lands on my lap, or when my pants are wet from his tears. I still don’t make a sound, when he wraps his arms around me, but when the sobs rip out of his chest, that is when mine start.

  I don’t know how long we sit here holding each other and crying. Finally, he asks the questions that he wants, and I’m honest with him, explaining what I know. I have never kept things from my kids, and they have been there, when no one else has. I have always asked for honesty from everyone including them, and in return, they get it back from me. Sometimes, they don’t like what I have to say, but they can bet their last dollar it’s one hundred percent honest.

  “Can I skip the family dinner tonight, so I can come to terms with everything?” I agree because everyone deals differently. We walk down the bleachers together, and there stands Maddox, Caitlynn, Carly, and Xavier holding a picnic basket. Carson wraps his arms around me, and whispers, “I’ll be there in the morning. I love you.” He walks over and kisses Carly on her forehead and gives a fist bump to Xavier and Maddox.

  However, Caitlynn isn’t having any of that, as she launches herself at him, wrapping her arms and legs around him. They whisper back and forth for a few minutes, before turning and walking over to us, grabbing the basket, and then walking to the end zone. Guess he is staying for her. I love the bond between all of my children. We eat and talk, and enjoy this time together, as a family.

  Finally, it’s time to go home, and I’m emotionally exhausted. I take Caitlynn in, and we are singing, as I give her a bath and get ready for bed. I sit and rock with her longer than necessary, but how long will it be, before I can do this again? Finally, I lay her in her bed, when I hear the front door open. I go downstairs, and there in the middle of my front room is Carly, Carson, Xavier, and Maddox waiting for me.

  Carson says, “Mom, can I spend the night with you?”

  “Us too?” Carly asks.

  I can’t do anything but laugh. “Of course, you guys can stay, but I need you three to promise me something though. I need you to promise to continue to live your lives. I will let you go with me to treatments and doctor’s appointments, but we all need to try and be as normal as possible, okay?”

  “I can promise you that, but I can also promise anytime I need to see you, or Maddox tells me you're sick or need anything, I’ll be here. Please don’t argue because you would do the same for us. We love you and are only doing what you do, when you love someone.”

  “Okay, I can deal with that.” I finally agree with Carly. They really believe they have just won, when in reality, that is all I wanted from the beginning.

  Finally, Maddox and I make it to our room, and I lay in his arms just enjoying the feeling of his heart beating strong and steady, under my head. After a while, I get out of bed and pack my bags. “Babe, what are you doing out of bed?”

  “Oh, my God! You scared the crap out of me.” I jump, slapping my hand to my chest. “I couldn’t sleep, so I packed my stuff and was just going over the list in my head, and then I was going to get back in bed.”

  “Come on. We can get everything in a couple hours. I want to spend as much time as I can with you, and inside of you.” We slowly make love, and it’s not just with our body’s though, but it's our hearts and souls.

  ******

  The next morning, I’m awake, before the alarm clock goes off, so I just lay in bed, watching Maddox sleep. It’s moments like this that I don’t want to lose.

  After everyone is dressed, and we drop Caitlynn off at daycare, the kids and Maddox escort me to the third floor to the surgical wing. They settle in, while I go about checking in and getting ready for surgery. Once I have my IV in and am in my lovely gown, they come in to see me.

  The doctor comes in and talks to everyone, answering any questions they have. Once they start giving me the good drugs, you know the ones that knock you out, I’m literally floating on cloud nine. The kids give me kisses and hugs and head to the waiting room.

&nb
sp; “Carly, please bring Caitlynn up to see me tonight,” I say, and she quickly agrees.

  Finally, it’s Maddox and I alone. I pat the bed next to me, and he lays down, as I place my head on his heart.

  “What is your favorite sound?”

  “The beat of your heart.”

  “What is your favorite thing to look at?”

  “Your smile.”

  “What is your favorite thing to do?”

  “Anything with you.”

  “What is your favorite smell?”

  “You.”

  “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”

  “Umm, since I love you more, yeah I think I do.” Chuckling he kisses me, “Babe, go to sleep, and I’ll be here, when you come back.” I don’t feel him leave the bed, and the next thing I know some lady is telling me to wake up. All at once I feel him slide under me, as I smell him and hear his heartbeat. At that moment, I feel safe and secure, and I know that everything will be okay.

  Epilogue

  5 years later

  Today marks the five-year anniversary of me being diagnosed with ovarian cancer. We also celebrated Caitlynn’s eighth birthday last weekend. Today is also the day I find out if the cancer is gone for good, or if I need more treatment. I have Maddox and the kids with me today, and I know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn’t be who and where I am today without their love and support.

  I have a picture on my phone of when I woke up after my hysterectomy, and Carly is laying on Xavier’s lap, both sleeping on the couch in my room. Carson is in the chair with Caitlynn on his lap asleep. Maddox is laid on the bed right next to me, and in that moment, I knew what unconditional love was. The kids still say Maddox and I act like teenagers, instead of parents, but why keep our hands to ourselves, when we don’t have to? I believe that sometimes you must go through the bad to get to the good. I’m not saying that everything with Colton was bad, but it wasn’t always good either. Maddox and I don’t always see eye to eye, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that he will never cheat or break my heart.