Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery series Box Set 1

by Chelsea Thomas

  That’s cold, I thought and nearly giggled. I scolded myself for being tickled by such a bad pun at such a serious moment.

  Marvin scoffed. “Sounds pretty out-there, May.”

  “It was a perfect plan. Except you failed to account for his gambling problem. Charles had racked up a big bill by the time he died. So Vlad came up to collect. He figured out you had the money. He located the digital key to the cryptocurrency account. And he was about to steal it all. So you stopped him with a pair of scissors to the back. Weak attempt to frame the scorned hairdresser, by the way. Why would she wrap up a pair of scissors in her own flier and toss them under a bridge?”

  Florence grunted. “I told him to plant the scissors in her salon, but the little imp got scared!”

  Miss May’s eyes widened. So did mine. Whoa. Florence had come un-statued. Her stone countenance was alive and angry, like a cartoon image of the quintessential scary principal.

  “And you want to know something else, May?” Florence dropped her pie and stepped closer to us. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  Miss May stared down at the ruined pie. “Wh-why?”

  “Because!” Florence continued. “You completely bought my ‘scared little woman’ act. And you assumed that the man was the mastermind! You’re just like everyone else I’ve encountered in my life. All the people who told me a woman could never be valedictorian. All the people who told me a woman could never be principal! You’re just like my pathetic husband, who thought he could cheat on me, and steal from me, and get away with it! You underestimated me. You think I was growing a poisonous flower on my doorstep by accident? Ha! This plan has been underway for years. Yeah, Marvin helped. But I told him what to do every step of the way. Including this getaway. So if you’ll excuse me. As Marvin said. We’re headed to JFK.”

  Florence clapped at Marvin. “Get the bags!”

  Marvin leapt toward the bags and gathered them up as Principal Florence Fitz strode toward the SUV.

  Huh. I always knew she wasn’t a good principal. This wasn’t the time for I-told-you-so’s, but I felt a sick sense of satisfaction knowing that my teenage self had been right to hate Principal Fitz.

  Seconds later, Florence and Marvin had climbed into the waiting car, and their great escape was underway.

  Miss May and I watched as the SUV rumbled down the driveway and disappeared around the bend. “What the heck was that?” I asked. “How are we just going to let them—”

  “Detective Wayne Hudson please.” Miss May already had her phone to her ear. “Sure. I’ll hold.”

  She covered the receiver and turned to me. “Do you want to do the talking?”

  “Uh…What would I say?”

  Miss May shrugged and turned back to the phone. “Hey Wayne. You need to send a few officers over to the Pine Grove bridge immediately. The one that heads out toward the shortcut to LaGuardia.”

  “Not LaGuardia,” I said. “JFK.”

  Miss May glared at me. “It’s definitely LaGuardia. Yup. You were wrong about the killer. Uh-huh. I’ve got the whole confession recorded on my phone. OK. We’ll talk later. Go cut them off at the bridge. We’ll see you there.”

  “If you’re wrong about the airport, they’re going to get away!”

  “I’m not wrong, Chelsea. Think about it. Why would they make such a point to mention JFK if that’s really where they wanted to go?”

  I shrugged. “I guess.”

  “Besides,” Miss May said. “They were using Big Betty’s Airport Shuttle, and Betty hates JFK. She’ll only do LaGuardia and occasionally Newark, for some awful reason.”

  “So that’s how you knew,” I said.

  Miss May pumped the gas and followed the sign toward the Pine Grove Bridge. “That plus my intuition. Yes.”

  Intuition. Like my inkling that Florence was an evil principal all along. I held my tongue, telling myself it was still too soon to gloat. But inside, I did a little I-was-right dance.

  Miss May took a sharp turn and glanced at me. “You haven’t complained about my driving all day,” she said. “Have you noticed that? Not even when we drove to Florence’s house, and I was gunning it on the way over there.”

  “That’s true,” I said. “I haven’t yelped or squealed or anything, all day.”

  “Seems to me you’re getting used to riding in cars,” Miss May said. “Maybe that means you’re ready to start driving one?”

  I nodded. “Maybe I’ll sign up for my road test tomorrow.”

  “That sounds like a great idea.” Miss May smiled. But her smile faded as we approached the bridge. “Whoa momma!”

  There were ten squad cars up ahead.

  Three had blocked the entrance to the bridge. The others encircled the SUV. They all had their lights flashing, and armed police officers crouched behind every vehicle.

  Miss May skidded to a halt and jumped out of the VW bus.

  I called out, “Miss May! Be careful!” But Miss May had already plowed up to the first cop car. And when she turned back and waved me toward her, I knew everything was OK.

  I flopped out of the van and witnessed something I never expected to see.

  The principal and assistant principal from my high school, face down and hand-cuffed, at the foot of the Pine Grove Bridge.

  ----

  After Wayne stuffed Florence and Marvin into separate squad cars, he walked over to me with a coy smile.

  “You and your little old aunt need to stop with this amateur sleuth racket,” he said.

  I smiled. “But we’re so good at it. And I don’t think Miss May would appreciate being called little, or old. FYI.”

  “I’ll keep that mind,” he said.

  I nodded. “Please do.”

  Wayne met my eyes, and then, as if in slo-mo, he reached out and brushed a piece of hair off my face. I held my breath. A hair graze! Just like in the movies! Oh my gosh, this was so incredibly, divinely romantic—

  “You’ve got a piece of food in your hair,” Wayne said.

  I hung my head and laughed. “Oh.” What do you say to that? “Can you tell what it is?”

  “Could be cheese.”

  I laughed. “I did resolve to eat more cheese recently.” Wayne flicked away the unidentifiable food. We looked at each other for a long moment.

  “You always keep a snack in your bangs?” Wayne asked with a smug grin.

  “No! Don’t you have prisoners to process or something?”

  “I do.” Wayne said. “Don’t tell anyone I told you this, especially not your aunt, but uh, good job.”

  “Thanks.”

  Wayne ambled away with big, confident strides. And thus ended the most romantic moment of my adult life. Cheese in hair or not.

  Miss May approached as soon as Wayne was out of hearing distance.

  “That looked like an almost kiss,” she said.

  “I had food in my hair.”

  Miss May nodded. “That’s what you get for skipping the shower last night. Was it cheese?”

  “So it would seem.”

  Miss May laughed, and so did I. Then we watched as the squad cars drove away and headed back toward town.

  “Two killers on this case,” Miss May said. “You think maybe next time we’ll catch three?”

  “I really hope there’s not a next time,” I said.

  Miss May looked at me. “Of course. Murder is a horrible thing. And Pine Grove’s had enough of it to last a lifetime.” Miss May watched as the cop cars pulled away and drove back toward town. “Still. I had fun.”

  I grinned. “Yeah. Me too. I guess. Even though you did all the real detecting.”

  “Every Sherlock has a Watson,” Miss May said.

  “So you’re Sherlock now?” I asked.

  Miss May patted me on the back and didn’t answer. But I could tell by the way she smiled that she liked the comparison. I didn’t hate it either.

  I wonder if Watson ever had food in his hair? I thought as we walked back toward the van.
<
br />   A question for another day.

  33

  Dancing on the Tables

  Teeny was irate when we regaled her with all the grit and glory surrounding our latest case.

  She felt so left out that she closed down the restaurant for a whole day, just so she could milk every single detail about the case out of me and Miss May.

  At least, that’s why Teeny said she was closing down the restaurant. Actually, I think she just wanted a break from making hashbrown lasagna for all her rabid fans. She even suggested taking the dish off the menu. I nearly cried when she said that, but Teeny assured me she’d still make me a special HBL sometimes. Whew.

  Even though Grandma’s was technically closed, half the town showed up anyway to celebrate the arrest of Charles’ killers and to hear Miss May and me recount the tale. We’d solved the biggest scandal in Pine Grove’s recent history, and people were eating up the juicy drama. I suspect most people were also hoping to get a hint about the mystery that remained unsolved: Where had all the money gone?

  Gigley arrived about halfway through the party, and when he entered, the townspeople cheered and broke into a chant. “Gig-ley! Gig-ley!” Once the citizens of Pine Grove had realized Gigley wasn’t a murderer, his surly e-mails made him a hero. People hadn’t stopped quoting him for days.

  Gigley waved off his fans with a good-natured smile, but the chants didn’t stop. Eventually, Gigley joined in. Later in the day, we managed to talk him into reading some of his Carter Communications emails out loud, and he had the whole restaurant rolling in laughter like it was a comedy club. Fiery inferno! Hysterical!

  As the sun drooped into the west, more and more people showed up. Teeny opened one, then two, then ten bottles of wine, and what had started as a casual get together turned into a full-blown party. Missing money be damned. Pine Grove was having fun tonight.

  Liz held court in one corner, recounting her crucial role in alerting to the town to Charles’ misconduct. Miss May and Teeny remained in their booth, and Teeny played up her sister Peach’s involvement in the case more and more each time she retold the story. Rita showed up with little sleeping Vinny (who was sporting a giant pair of noise-cancelling baby headphones), and then Brian came, and so did Gigley’s secretary Deb. Familiar faces streamed in and out of Grandma’s, including KP, Sudeer and his wife, and my sweet cousin Maggie.

  Granny watched it all from behind the counter. At least, I think she watched it. She might have been asleep.

  The only person who was missing from the party was Jennifer Paul. I tried not to worry about it, but I felt bad about how things had gone down on the beach. Jennifer was not my favorite person, but she also wasn’t a murderer. And we had treated her like one.

  That’s why I was glad when I saw her slip through the front door a little later in the night. The room got quiet when she entered. Then, she yanked a gleaming pair of scissors from her bag and yelled, “Who needs a haircut?!”

  It was almost a too-soon moment, and the air sizzled with silence for a tense moment. Then the room erupted into cheers and laughter, and hands shot up in the air. Jennifer’s salon being out of commission had left a lot of shaggy-haired customers wandering around Pine Grove. Jennifer looked right at me. “Chelsea? How about you? Or would you rather go back into the city?”

  I hesitated. All eyes were on me. I took a deep breath and then shouted over the music, “Snip away!”

  Everyone hooted and hollered in support. Moments later, I was in a chair, half-choked by one of those hair-bib-thingies, and hair was falling all around me like snow. Jennifer was about halfway done with the job when the front door swung open and Wayne stepped through the door. The room fell into a wide-eyed hush.

  Wayne’s voice boomed into the quiet. “The party is over.”

  This wasn’t good news for anyone, especially not my hair.

  “What are you talking about?” Gigley demanded in his sternest lawyer voice.

  “We got a noise complaint,” Wayne said. “Sorry, everyone.”

  Teeny stood on a table. “Tough luck! This is my property, and I’m not done having fun yet!”

  Wayne laughed. “OK, well, good to know you respect authority, Teeny.” He looked around. “But you got me. I’m just joshing you. There was no complaint.”

  “Why are you here then?” Teeny puffed out her chest. She was feeling extra Napoleonic since she’d had a few glasses of wine.

  “I’m here…with information about everyone’s money,” Wayne said.

  A buzz swept through the room as people muttered and shouted out questions about their money. Wayne raised his arms in the air. The crowd stilled, and Wayne continued in a grave voice. “The Pine Grove Police Department…”

  He looked out over the crowd and spoke with slow and deliberate poise. “Has recovered all stolen funds. You should all have your money back within the month.”

  There were three seconds of thick silence, then Gigley yelled at the top of his lungs, “We got our money back!”

  The crowd erupted in gleeful hoorahs. Teeny and Gigley danced together on top of a table. An old woman cried and hugged her dog. Brian and Rita took a shot of whiskey. Teeny pulled Miss May onto the table, and I saw my aunt dance for maybe the second time in my life.

  I hung back by the far wall, taking it all in. Wayne caught my eye from across the room. I smiled at him and ran a nervous hand through my half-cut hair. No food particles, but I hadn’t looked in a mirror since Jennifer had taken her scissors to my locks. So, fingers crossed, I guess.

  Then I felt a tickle on my feet. When I looked down, there was Petey, crawling around with a sudsy sponge, sweating as he worked.

  “Petey. What are you doing down there?”

  “Scrubbing baseboards,” he said. “Teeny says I can’t join the party until I’m done, unless I quit and go back to school.”

  “So then quit.” I reached down and offered Petey my hand.

  He grabbed it, pulled himself up, and tossed the sponge down into a disgusting bucket.

  “Hey everybody!” he said.

  The crowd turned and looked at Petey.

  “I’m going back to school!”

  Once again, the crowd erupted. But this time, they were chanting Petey’s name. I laughed and climbed up on the table to dance alongside Miss May, hair-bib-thingy and all.

  For one glorious moment, I felt completely carefree. The lights were dim, the music was loud, and I was dancing like no one was watching, even though everyone was watching, including Detective Wayne Hudson.

  I was on fire. I was unstoppable. I was also standing too close to the edge of the table.

  I realized my mistake two seconds too late. The table shifted, I tumbled sideways, and I fell gracelessly onto a chair and sprained my wrist.

  Oh well. At least I didn’t have cheese in my hair.

  The End

  Get Your Free Cozy

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  A free copy of “Six Sweets Under” – an exclusive apple orchard mystery only available to members of the Reader Club

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  A Note From the Authors

  Dear Readers,

  * * *

  First of all, if we haven’t met yet, hi! We are the married writing team Chelsea and Matthew Thomas, AKA “Chelsea Thomas.”

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  Second of all, THANK YOU for reading this book! We know you have tons of options when it comes to what to read, and we appreciate you taking the time to check out our second book.

  * * *

  “Second book.” Just typing those words makes us smile. A few months ago, we were a couple of screenwriters to whom
writing a novel was a formidable task. But writing these cozies has been nothing but fun.

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  More importantly, engaging with the community of readers and authors, online and in person, has been more rewarding than we could have expected.

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  As screenwriters, we have written dozens of projects that have then sat on our hard drives for years. But people read these cozies! And they send nice notes, and they’re supportive. It’s amazing and about as far from the “Hollywood Experience” as possible. In the best way!

  * * *

  We love talking to all of you and learning about you. And we hope you enjoy reading these books as much as we enjoy writing them.

  * * *

  Reviews help other readers decide if they want to buy a book, so please review this book if you can! Even short reviews help, and we love reading them.

  * * *

  In Book Three, there’s a new couple in town, and it seems they know a dangerous secret…

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  Wayne‘s on the case. Things start to heat up between him and Chelsea. And the resident tiny horse See-Saw continues in his role as Chelsea's friend and confidante.

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  Keep reading for Book 3 in the Apple Orchard Cozy Mystery Series, “Candy Apple Killer.”

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