Cavelost

by Courtney Privett

  We saw no other creatures of any type as the Varaku guards threw us into a carved stone cage. They stripped us of our weapons, then bolted the heavy door. The bars were barely spaced enough to let in ventilation, let alone allow us to see what was outside.

  At least they let us keep the lanterns, and most of the meager contents of my rucksack and Daelis's satchel were left alone. The only thing of note they took was the tiny scissors from my med kit. Damn them. I needed to use my teeth to snip the catgut I used to stitch up Daelis's shoulder. Poured a little alcohol on it, stitched it, gave him nearly the last of my white willow bark and a whole lot of water, and prayed to whatever gods might be listening that nothing got infected and the hooks weren't coated in poison. I wish I had some yarrow, or at least mint. He's going to be in massive pain once we run out of willow bark, and he's not going to be able to use his left arm much until those torn muscles heal.

  We're trapped and I don't know what comes next. Death? I'm not all right with that. I've come too far to let these toothy bastards kill me. Well, I may die, but I'm going to fight until I can't anymore.

  Yana's wrung her hands together in a corner. She was terrified. I tried to beckon her over, but she paid no attention to me. I reached toward her again. "Yana, come here. I know you're scared, so come sit with us. Daelis's heart is beating too fast and we need to keep him warm so it can calm down. We can all cuddle up together and try to get some rest before whatever comes next happens."

  "Daelis hurt. He is dying?" Yana paced toward me, then turned around and headed back to the wall. Once. Twice. Her anxiety was tangible and infectious.

  "No, my dear. He isn't dying. He is hurt, though, so be careful touching his shoulder or back. Come over to us when you're ready."

  Daelis was on his side next to me. I rested my hand on his brow. His skin was cool and clammy, not much different feeling from the rocks beneath him. I laid down, slipped my arm under his neck, and carefully embraced him. "Don't get any strange ideas about this. You're going into shock so I'm trying to raise your body temperature."

  "All I have are strange ideas." He relaxed into my arms, but immediately tensed when his injured shoulder twitched. His teeth chattered. "We're not getting out of here alive, are we?"

  "Unlikely. Still going to try."

  "Give me a reason to try."

  "What do you mean?" I asked. His face was close to mine now and his skin radiated cold. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this injury would kill him quickly by overstressing his heart. He needed to rest, but I knew I couldn't rest myself until he stabilized.

  "Marry me. I should have asked you to years ago. Not now, obviously. When we get home, or at least out." Daelis's voice was shaky and barely audible.

  I couldn't respond to that, how could I possibly respond to that? Of all of the idiotic, arrogant...

  "Rin?"

  "No." It was the only answer I could give without yelling at him.

  His forehead rested against mine. "Please? I don't expect you to actually go through with it, I only want to hear you say 'yes' once. My mind is jumbled and my memories keep jumping between past and present. I can't figure out why you're older than I remember, then I remember that I'm older, too. It's a good thing, really."

  "This is the shock speaking for you, Daelis." A light weight pressed against my back as Yana draped herself over my side. I couldn't move away from Daelis to see what she was doing, but I was glad she was no longer pacing.

  "I know. I just need you to say one positive word to me, Rin. It's not binding. I only need to convince myself that there are things on the surface worth fighting for. I don't have anything real to go home to, only some shattered memories and a son who will likely want nothing to do with me when he finds out I'm his father."

  "Fine. Yes, I'll marry you. We'll stop the first vicar we see when we escape and have him marry us right there on the spot. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and go to sleep."

  "Thank you. That's what past me wanted to hear but never gave you the chance to say." His voice was barely a murmur. Perhaps he was already in the early stage of sleep. I doubt he'll remember this conversation later. At least I hope he won't. Only some confused rambling preceding a pained dream.

  Daelis offered a pained smile as he closed his eyes. He was asleep before I could say anything else. His heart rate gradually slowed to near-normal as his body temperature climbed to match mine.

  Yana crept up my side until her head rested on my shoulder. She nuzzled my neck and said, "Your mate love you."

  "I only agreed to that to help him. He's not my mate and I don't love him."

  "You do."

  I didn't feel like arguing with her. We are bloodied, trapped, and likely going to die soon. If they want to hold onto hope in the form of a lie, I won't stop them. If they give up, that threat of death becomes a guarantee.

  I waited until they were both long asleep before I sat up between them to log the events of the last several hours. I'm exhausted, but I'm afraid of the nightmares I'll wake up to. Trapped, trapped, nothing but trapped, and the Varaku may gnash us between needle teeth and unhinged jaws. I'll be sure to kill a few on the way to my execution. That bitter taste they swallow from my flesh won't be fear. It will be rage.

  I think I'll try to sleep now. I need to be rested and ready when they come back for us.

  Day 14

  You know what I miss? Rain. Big, fat, warm raindrops, or tiny, stinging cold ones, doesn't matter. Rain, all kinds of rain. Mists and torrents, even a dark cloud looming overhead. I need the change that a swift shift in weather brings.

  When my siblings and I were children, my parents would gather us in front of a window every time there was a good rainfall. Arrin and Nell Sylleth. Those are my parents, not sure if I've named them here before. Good people, wonderful parents and grandparents. Anyway, they'd gather up Nora, Elsin, Randel, and me and we'd lie on a pile of pillows in front of the window to watch the rain. We'd drink hot cider or tea, snack on fresh roasted nuts, tell stories, and play a game or two.

  We've never gotten too old for that tradition, and I've passed it on to my children. Rain is our quiet family time, and I love it.

  And I miss it intensely. I may never see another rainfall. I may not be there when my sons pass the Sylleth rainy day tradition onto their own children.

  I may never see the sky again, or the outside of this stone cage. Nothing familiar, nothing from life before the caves except for Daelis, a piece of my distant past I long ago adjusted to leaving behind. Not one I ever expected or wanted to return to.

  I don't want to die here. I want to die old and white haired, with my family nearby and the stars peeking through the clouds at the end of a beautiful rainy day.

  Day 14, part 2

  Two Varaku came to our cage, but they did not take us. They stood silently and stared at us. Yana cowered in a corner and Daelis was still caught in a restless sleep.

  "Aren't you going to haul us off for execution?" I asked. I narrowed my eyes and offered an indignant smile. "Aren't you going to eat us?"

  "The Jarrah decide your fate. We wait for the Jarrah to arrive." The Varaku set clay bowls on the ground. Mushrooms, insects, some sort of bread I assumed was made out of mushrooms and insects. Water. Musty, murky, blissful water. Two whole pitchers of it, and we wouldn't have to hold a cup under a stalactite and wait for it to slowly fill to drink it. A large, empty jar was placed in the corner. I assumed it was a chamberpot. Good. That makes at least one thing less messy.

  I reclined against Daelis's legs. "Good. Tell this Jarrah that I want some words with him. Giving me my sword back would simplify the conversation."

  The closest Varaku bared its teeth. All several hundred of them. "You smell of blood."

  "Yeah, human females do that sometimes. My blood, his blood, does it matter? We're nothing but bags of blood and meat to you squid heads, aren't we?"

  The creature growled. "The Jarrah will deal with you soon." Both Varaku left the cage and the door bolted shu
t.

  "The Jarrah will deal with you soon." Daelis's voice came from behind me as a weak, mocking whine. "Sounds like my father referring to my mother whenever I got in trouble and she wasn't around."

  "Yeah, mine too." I turned so I could touch his face. His skin was warm and dry. No fever, no clamminess. His pulse no longer raced. "How are you feeling?"

  "Like a gigantic fishhook ripped me open and then an angry assassin stitched me back together." Long pause while he clamped his eyelids shut and flinched. "I hurt like all the raging inferno shot through me, but I suppose that's still better than last night. Or morning. Whenever that happened. There isn't any time down here and I think I'm still confused."

  "You were incoherent last night."

  "Really? That isn't how I remember it." Daelis tried to prop himself on his right elbow, but pain caught him in a breathless net. He returned his head to the ground with a grimace and a moan.

  "Don't move unless you have to. The first couple days are always the worst." I handed him a capsule of white willow bark and a cup of water to wash it down with. He couldn't hold it in his right hand without sloshing himself, so I held it to his lips as he drank. "I only have fourteen of these left, so go easy on them, especially after today."

  "I'm assuming you have experience with this type of wound?"

  "I have a lot more scars than I did when I was sixteen." I looked away from him. He probably knew that already. I'm sure he's stolen at least a couple glimpses of me shirtless in our time down here together. The quartz pool, specifically. I ignored any further development of that thought and turned my attention to Yana. "Yana, sweet girl, come over here with us. They brought us food and water, and we need to eat. Come sit with us."

  Still in the corner, Yana hugged herself and rocked from side to side. Her bare toes repeatedly curled and relaxed. "Trapped. Jarrah come. Soon will be no us. Only Varaku. Only Jarrah."

  Three long steps, and she dropped into my arms. She was so tiny, so fragile. Beautiful, innocent child. She was born here, but she belongs here even less than I do.

  Daelis rested his hand on Yana's lower back. His fingers slowly crept upward until they laced through mine. I think he would have sat upright to embrace both of us if he hadn't been incapacitated. "Yana, there will always be us. You're coming home with us, and none of us will die for a very long time. Rin won't let Jarrah and the Varaku win. She won't let them hurt us."

  It's a nice thought, but I'm not confident in my own ability to save us. I wonder if hope is more powerful than fear. It seems to be for my companions.

  Day 14, part 3

  I'm bored.

  No, that's not the right word. Is there a word for what I am? Fatigued? Listless? Teetering on the edge of broken? I pretend to keep a smile available and an assertion of our coming freedom on my lips for the other two, but I'm dying inside. They are far more reliant on me than they should be.

  I still can't find the word I want.

  Here's one. Not what I was looking for, but close. I'm overtouched. My companions won't stop touching me. I'm not sure if they're trying to reassure me or themselves. Maybe they only want to feel something warm, something that is neither pain nor stone. At the same time, I'm understimulated. There is nothing to see except the cage itself, nothing to hear except a distant roar like a waterfall, Yana's whimpering, Daelis's ragged, pained breaths, and the scratch of pen on paper.

  Deprived. Perhaps that is a better word than bored. I'm deprived. Of light, of fresh air, of real food, of family, of home, of the freedom to move more than a few steps in each direction. I'm deprived of my senses. No time, no distance, no light except blue-tinted dwarfstones, no fluctuations in temperature or humidity, no textures aside from damp stone and fraying cloth. Is that why touch makes me so uncomfortable? It breaks my sensory deprivation in an unpredictable way.

  "When's the last time you slept?" Daelis murmurs through sleeping Yana's hair. She's cuddled up against his chest with her head on his outstretched right arm, but he can't move his other arm to embrace her. I checked his wound not long ago. It's ugly and my stitch job is even uglier, but nothing looks infected as of now.

  "I don't know. I've tried a couple times, but I'm too restless. It's probably been a couple days since I any more than dozed."

  "Since the glow worms? That was easily a week ago."

  "Yes. Maybe I'm afraid of being caught unaware again." I draw my knees to my chest. I can't sleep. They'll be back soon, I'm sure of it. I can't let them find me vulnerable.

  "We don't know how long we'll be here, and that timeline is not under our control. Rin, please sleep. You've still got that bag of glow worms. Stop writing, eat a couple, and come lie down with us." Daelis's shadowed eyes reveal his words are out of concern, not out of a desire to control my actions. I know he's right. I'm useless if I'm not rested. Especially in hand-to-hand combat, which is what I'll end up doing unless I miraculously find my sword returned to me or come by another weapon.

  "You're right. Of course you're right. Resisting sleep is counterproductive, isn't it?"

  "Understandable, but yes." He rests his chin in Yana's hair. "Sleep, Rin. We need you at your best."

  I reach into the bag and pop a small handful of glow worms into my mouth. I nearly gag on the texture, so I swallow them down with the musty water. A Varaku came by earlier to refill our pitchers, but said nothing to us and gave no indication of when the Jarrah will arrive to determine our fates.

  There, done. Now where to sleep? Yana looks too comfortable for me to disturb, and there isn't much room for me to squeeze between her and the wall. I lie on my back behind Daelis and hold the journal up to the light so I can finish writing.

  "Put it away, Rin," Daelis mumbles.

  The glow worms are already starting to affect me. I need to get comfortable before I fall asleep so I don't wake up in knots. I think I'll roll onto my side and slip my arm around his waist so I can avoid his shoulder and touch both him and Yana. That way I'll know it if one of them moves, stops breathing, or is dragged off in the night.

  "Rin. Stop. Sleep."

  Fine. I will.

  Day 15

  Yana's pale green eyes stared at me from over Daelis's shoulder. She was actively trying to force herself awake, but the heaviness of her eyelids gave her fatigue away. Her movement woke me, and I was barely able to escape the grogginess enough to open my own eyes.

  "Go back to sleep, Yana," I said. I lifted my arm from Daelis's side so I could stroke Yana's cheek. Her skin was icy. I'd never felt her so cold before.

  "Too close to Varaku. Round and round and back like where I start. Different hive, different Varaku, same bad." Yana yawned and tilted her head to the side. "I sleep enough. Sorry awake you. Daelis dead now? Not moving."

  I pressed my hand against his sternum. His heartbeat was strong and regular. "No, not dead. Quiet talking doesn't wake him. Actually, neither does loud talking. He sleeps through nearly anything."

  "Dangerous sleep way."

  "Yes, yes it is. We need to forgive him for that. He's never been in danger before." I pushed Yana's hair away from her eyes. When I first met her, I thought she was bizarre looking, maybe even monstrous. Now I see her as she truly is—beautiful. Her coloring overshadowed her elven features at first, but I see them now. I wonder if I'll see any other Uldru before the Varaku kill us, or if Yana will continue to exist as my sole example of her race. "Yana, Yana, my beautiful girl. I want to hear about your family. Will you tell me about them?"

  "All dead. All gone." Yana hung her head and her shoulders shuddered. I thought that was all she was going to say, but then her chin snapped upward and she smiled sorrowfully at me. The points of her uneven teeth glinted in the lantern light. "I had Mother and Father and Hani. None else, but we loved. Mother was sick after having baby that died. Varaku made her dig in mines anyway. Dig and dig until she fell over and died. Father tried help her. Varaku ate them both. I had sister, too. Hani. Born same time as me. We ran together, away from Varaku. Ha
ni fell. Down, down, down, no way to live. I heard scream, then nothing. I still run. Run and run and run. Run forever in darkness, then found Rin. Then Rin and Yana find Daelis. Rin and Daelis is new family, now. Try to protect me, but maybe can't. Maybe die and Varaku eat anyway. Maybe you die and I am alone again."

  Yana's eyes were nothing but green-lined pools built to hold her tears. I wanted to hug her, but I was afraid of jarring Daelis's shoulder if I leaned over him. Noise wouldn't wake him, but I was certain pain would. "Oh, Yana, I'm so sorry. I am going to do my best to make sure you're not left alone again. I wish I could promise that, but I can't. I don't know what is going to happen to us, so all I can promise is that I'll try to keep us together."

  Yana nodded and lowered her eyes. "I know you try. We stay together. One, two, three. All of us." She leaned forward until her head rested on Daelis's hip. I gently finger-combed the tangles out of her hair. "I want know about your family now. Alive or eaten?"

  I smiled and kissed her hand. "Most of them are alive. No one has been eaten. My parents are still alive. My mother's name is Nell. She's a cheerful woman, very kind. She makes and sells the most beautiful dresses in Jadeshire. My father's name is Arrin. He has a shop where he sells cloth from all over the Realms of the High Kingdom of Bacra. When I was little like you, I used to hide behind the bolts and laugh because I thought no one could find me. I liked to run my hands along the fabric. So many different colors and textures. I worked in his shop for a while when my sons were babies, but many of the customers stopped coming because I was there, so I decided I needed to work somewhere else."

  "You have sisters?" Yana asked.

  "Only one. Nora. She's older than me by six years. She's a dressmaker like my mother and she looks after my sons when I'm away. She has seven children of her own, too. She's married to a man named Tristan. He's gruff and opinionated, but they love each other and he treats her well. I have two brothers. Elsin is three years older and Randel is two years younger. I haven't seen either of them in a long time. Elsin is a soldier in the north and Randel ran off with a minstrel troupe fifteen years ago and I haven't seen him since. We receive letters from him sometimes, so we know he's still alive, but he's too busy seeing the world to bother with visiting home."