Monster Pirate Cheese Boy

by Suzanna Stanbury

  Alfie poked the tiara onto the brim of his hat. “Fancy schmancy,” he said. Then he selected the biggest and sparkliest rings he could find, stacking them up his chubby fingers. Finally, he heaped great handfuls of doubloons into his pockets and jumped up and down to make them clatter and rattle.

  At last, Alfie stood still in the middle of the deck, put his hands on his waist and sighed.

  “Tra-la-la-la-lee. It’s a pirate’s life for me!” he sang happily. But, then quite unexpectedly, Alfie felt very hot, awfully dizzy, and in a misty haze he vanished just as the Captain climbed back over the side of the ship.

  *

  Alfie opened his eyes to view a sea of faces peering down at him. He sat up and looked around him for the ship, but it had gone. He checked his pockets, but all his gold and jewels had vanished too. All he found was a small red paperclip and some crumpled paper.

  “Oh, Alfie!” cried his mother, hugging him tightly. “Thank goodness you’re okay!” She planted lots of wet kisses on his reluctant head, making him wriggle like a worm, trying hard to escape. Alfie stood up, glaring furiously at the group of people gazing wide-eyed at him and announced in his loudest voice “I hate cheese!”

  Chapter Two

  Buried Treasure

  It was a miserable, wet Saturday morning and Alfie Rains was bored, in fact he was so bored he was playing a game with the fridge trying to catch the light before it switched on. Faster and faster he opened and closed the door, but the light was always far too quick for him.

  Alfie’s eye fell upon a large block of cheese sitting on a plate right at the back of the fridge. It was very yellow cheese, full of holes, two of the holes looked like eyes staring back at him. Alfie glowered at it and poked his tongue out.

  “Yah! Cheesy schmesy!” He jumped with surprise as a sudden vision of a ship flashed into his mind. The flash picture was swiftly followed by another of a chest full of sparkling treasure. Some fleeing sailors came next, their feet skittering across a wave-lashed deck. Alfie closed his eyes trying to improve the visions. A broad smile spread across his face as he remembered his adventures in Pirateland – and then he remembered the day of Trixie Fleming’s birthday party.

  “Terrible Trixie!” muttered Alfie. It was the day he’d gone exploring in her father’s workshop. The same day he’d had the wonderful dream about Pirateland – and when he’d accidently eaten all the cheese rolls.

  “Hmm,” said Alfie. “I wonder.” Reaching out his hand, he slid it into the fridge, right to the back. Slowly, he gripped the cheese plate, pulled it out and stared at the block. It was covered in Clingo-wrap, lots of the stuff, all wound tightly. It took him ages to unleash the cheese. Alfie sniffed it.

  “Pooh,” he said. “Stinky cheese.” Another memory popped into his head, the ship again, its white sails flapping in a strong sea breeze. Alfie frowned. Closing his eyes, he sucked in a breath and took a big bite of cheese. He chewed it all up and stood there holding the plate. Nothing happened, so he took another bite – then another. Chewing quickly, Alfie wondered how long it would take and how much cheese he would need to eat before he transformed into a pirate. It occurred to him that, maybe, just maybe, nothing would happen and he would never be able to visit Pirateland again. The thought of not being able to chase frightened sailors across a deck and find gold and jewels started his lip quivering with sadness. Alfie took another large bite of cheese and stared miserably into the fridge.

  “Cor,” he said, putting the plate back on the shelf and pulling at the neck of his sweater. “I feel warm. Pffuff.” His cheeks felt as if they were about to burst into flames so he fanned them with his hands. He pulled the neck of his sweater down again, hoping to let in some of the cool air coming from the open fridge door. But, if anything, he felt even hotter! A rumble came from his stomach and up his throat rushed the most enormous burp.

  ‘WHOOORPPP!’ There was a loud popping sound and Alfie flopped onto the kitchen floor.

  *

  When Alfie opened his eyes the first thing he did was to check his feet and when he saw he saw the big black boots, and the dangling tips of cutlasses his heart filled with joy. Leaping to his feet he gave a whoop of happiness.

  “Yay!” Alfie threw his hat into the air and capered about. “I’m a pirate again. Hurrah!”

  He skipped round in circles for a while, then realised it wasn’t a very pirate Captain thing to do, so he stopped. “Arr,” said Alfie. “ARR! GRRR! ARRGH!”

  In front of him was an expanse of sea, so blue it hurt his eyes. Just one cloud was visible and a few seagulls, other than that the sky was just a reflexion of the sea. Alfie turned around and realised he was standing on a beach full of shimmering white sands. It was a wide beach, flanked at either side by soaring jagged cliffs. Dangerous looking rocks stuck in the air like witches fingers, the sunward side of the fingers cast long, spiky shadows onto the sand.

  Running down to the water’s edge, Alfie put his hand over his eyes and scanned far out to sea. But, there were no ships in sight, just one battered rowing boat tied to a rock. He climbed over the rocks for a closer look.

  It was a very battered boat with a lump of tarpaulin scrunched up under one of the seats.

  “What a rubbish boat!” said Alfie, giving it a kick. He climbed over a few more rocks then stopped. “Hey,” he said. This isn’t just a beach! It’s a blinkin’ island! And there’s a cave over there too!” Clambering about, Alfie’s boots slipped on the sea-weed covered rocks and a few times he slithered and fell.

  “Drat,” said Alfie, fishing his hat out of a rock-pool again. He flicked his long jet-black pony-tail, set his hat back on top of his head, then shook the water out from his boots. At last, Alfie climbed over a very rough and craggy rock arriving at the entrance to the cave. He ventured a little way inside but the cave was filled with a deep inky blackness. The darkness and silence rang in Alfie’s head making him feel rather odd, so he retreated back out into the sunshine.

  “Bah!” said Alfie. “I can’t see anything in that cave, I need a torch.” He climbed onto the craggy rock and peered across the beach. At the far side, he could see a few palm trees, beyond the palms were dunes and even further still loomed a dense green jungle. In the far distance climbed mountains, high and jagged. The peak of one poked right through a cloud like a marshmallow on a stick.

  Alfie made his way back over the rocks. Every few steps he paused by a rock pool, stuck in his hand, splashing his fingers about to frighten the crabs. Finally, he jumped onto the sand, taking long strides up the beach.

  “What a great place!” he said, spinning around.

  A distant shout carried over the sands, Alfie whirled back, listening hard, he caught another shout. Under the far palm trees he spied a movement. Squinting hard, Alfie could just make out a group of men. At once, he struck out towards them.

  “Oh, ho,” whispered Alfie, getting closer. All the men were busy digging a hole in the sand. Sunlight glinted from the silvery blades of their shovels, flashing as they dipped in and out of the hole. Drawing ever nearer, Alfie bent over and began to creep across the sand. He lifted his feet carefully, trying very hard to keep them from thudding – but luckily for him the men were so intent on digging they even didn’t notice him.

  In the shade of a palm tree was a large wooden chest. Alfie smiled when he spotted it and sniffed the air.

  “Gold!” Taking in another blast of the strong scent drifting on the breeze straight into his hairy nostrils, Alfie grinned. Still the men continued digging. Walking up to the chest, Alfie gave it such a kick it tipped backwards hitting the tree trunk with a loud bang.

  “Hey!”

  “Hey to you too!” said Alfie, showing his teeth. The group of men took a step back and one them fell into the hole.

  “Leave that chest alone,” said the tallest of the group.

  “You look tasty,” said Alfie. “Now, why don’t you let me have this treasure chest as it may take my mind off my r
umbling tummy.” Putting his hands on his stomach and wobbling it, Alfie moved closer towards the cluster of men and snapped his teeth a few times. “Yum, yum,” said Alfie.

  Uttering a terrified yelp the man fled into the sand dunes, each of the others dropped their tools and followed him, their heels kicking up furls of white dust as they disappeared into the dunes. Smiling, Alfie bent down and patted the treasure chest.

  “All mine!” he said, rubbing his hands together. “Har-de-har.” The last of the men had climbed out of the hole and raced past Alfie.

  “Chicken!” shouted Alfie. Picking up the treasure chest, he gave it a good shaking. A clatter, clatter, rattle came from within. Around the top and sides of the chest was fastened a sturdy chain, tethered at the front by a fat padlock.

  “Pah,” said Alfie. He took a running jump at the chest, swinging his foot with such force, the padlock flew off the chain hitting a passing parrot right between the eyes.

  “SQUARK!” yelled the parrot, falling back onto the sand. It was a large bird, mostly bright green, with a red crest and red tips to its wings. But at that moment, Alfie was far more interested in treasure than parrots and turned back to the chest. Minus the padlock the chains had fallen away. Alfie slowly lifted the lid and stared down at its contents.

  “Wow,” he murmured. Heaped up inside were thousands of gems and gold doubloons.

  “GOLD!” Alfie plunged his hands deep into the pile of treasure and brought out two big handfuls. “Lovely jewels.” Sighing happily, he let the gems and coins trickle through his fingers. Alfie got down on the sand and stuck his arm into the chest, rummaging about.

  “Hmm,” he said, “What’s this?” He pulled out a ruby so large it could have been used as a cricket ball.

  “Squark!” said the parrot.

  “Oh, hello parrot,” said Alfie. “Look at my ruby, see how it gleams?”

  “Squark,” said the parrot, staggering around in circles, one wing flapping. “Gold. Lovely jewels.”

  Ignoring the parrot, Alfie wrote his name with jewels in the sand. Next, he scooped up more sand, shaping it into a castle with a drawbridge, a moat and a tall tower. On the very top of the tower he set the ruby, arranging it so it caught the sun’s rays, trapping them deep inside its red depths.

  “It’s a lighthouse!” said Alfie, proudly.

  “It’s a lighthouse,” said the parrot. Tottering past the castle, it promptly fell into the hole the men had been digging in the sand. There was a small squawk and a splat. Alfie pitched a couple of gems in after it. “There you are, parrot,” he called. “Have some lovely jewels.”

  “Lovely jewels,” said the parrot, its voice echoing up from the depths of the hole. “Lovely jewels.” Alfie looked down just as the parrot picked an emerald up in its beak, tossing it high into the air – the gem promptly fell back hitting the parrot on the head making it keel over with its legs in the air.

  Laughing, Alfie returned the jewels to the chest, all except for the large ruby which he pocketed. He stood up and stared hard at the sand dunes. He didn’t want to bury his treasure in the hole the men had dug in the sand, for he reasoned they were probably watching him from their hiding place and would come back and reclaim it as soon as he’d gone.

  “What can I do with my treasure, parrot?” he asked the bird. It had perched on the treasure chest and was busily engaged in shaking sand from its feathers.

  “Squarrrrrk!” said the parrot, turning its head around in circles.

  “I know!” exclaimed Alfie. Picking up the chest, complete with parrot, he walked away down the beach. On the rocks, the chest began to slip and slide as Alfie’s boots slithered on the slimy seaweed. The parrot escaped to a nearby rock.

  “Coward,” said Alfie.

  “Squick?” said the parrot, fluttering up when Alfie stopped in the cave entrance.

  “Watch this, parrot,” said Alfie, putting the chest down. He pulled the ruby out of his pocket and walked a little way into the cave, whereupon a rosy glow lit up the dripping, dank rock walls. Alfie set the gleaming ruby into the top of his hat and returned for the chest. The parrot waddled into the cave after him uttering little cheeps as its claws skated about on the slippery, slimy floor. Alfie set the chest down in a recess far down the tunnel then jumped in surprise.

  “OW!” Whirling round in outrage, Alfie turned to find a monstrous crab snapping its claws behind him. “Not so fast, Mr Snippy,” said Alfie. He grabbed the crab behind its claws, carried it down the passageway back out into the sunshine then dropped it onto a rock. The crab snapped its claws, advancing forwards, menacingly. Alfie swung back one of his big feet, grinning mischievously as he did so. The crab’s eyes goggled, it went into a fast reverse, skittering away as fast as it could before Alfie’s big boot swung out.

  “Har-de-har,” laughed Alfie. Running forwards and kicking out, he waited for the splash.

  “Har-de-har,” echoed the parrot flying onto his hat and picking up the enormous ruby.

  “Hey,” Alfie grabbed the parrot by its tail. “Pesky bird, gimme that!” He caught the ruby, returning it to the safety of his pocket. The angry parrot squawked and dive-bombed his hat.

  “Get off me!” yelled Alfie, trying to swat the parrot with his hat as it flew past his head again. Twirling in circles, trying to escape the bird’s jabbing beak and sharp claws, he spun around again and again. Alfie’s eyes glazed, his head ached and he felt very hot. He tottered about a bit and then faded into a cloud of sand and sunbeams.

  *

  Alfie woke up on the cold kitchen floor with the fridge door still open. He shivered and shut the door. Then he remembered the ruby he’d placed in his pocket. But when he patted his pockets, he found to his dismay they were flat and empty.

  “Knickers!” said Alfie crossly.

  Chapter Three

  Prisoner Rains

  It was the day of Alfie’s birthday party. Eight blue candles were stuck in the icing of a chocolate birthday cake. In the garden the sun shone down over trestle tables bowed in the middle from the weight of party foods. The table with the chocolate cake looked particularly rickety. Alfie poked it and an ominous creak came from under the cloth.

  “Alfie!” called his mother. “Leave that cake alone.”

  Hastily Alfie backed off. All his friends from school – and terrible Trixie from next door were chasing each other round the garden. Trixie stopped running when she saw Alfie and blew him a kiss. “Happy Birthday, Alfie!”

  “Blergh!” Alfie stuck his tongue out.

  “Food’s ready children,” announced Alfie’s mother.

  “Ooh – look at that,” said Petie Pilchard as a big silver hedgehog was placed on the table. It was stuck all over with cubes of cheese speared on cocktail sticks.

  Alfie reached out and dragged the plate with the hedgehog towards him. “Mmmmm, cheese,” he murmured. “I love cheese.”

  “I thought you didn’t like cheese, Alfie,” said his mother bustling up with a platter of sandwiches.

  “I’ve grown into it.” Alfie dropped another cheese cube into his mouth. Then he took another and continued doing this until the hedgehog was almost bald with just a few sticks poking out of its back.

  “Yum, yum,” said Alfie. He grinned at his friends who were regarding him with interest. “Worp! Whoops, pardon me.” He patted his stomach, then wiped his forehead. “Gosh,” he said. “It is hot today.”

  Leaning on the table, puffing out his cheeks, which had turned as red as traffic lights, Alfie’s stomach gave a loud rumble.

  “BURRRRRP! Ooh, pardon me!” He smiled when he saw the look of utter disgust on Trixie’s face. Alfie was just trying to summon up another burp when he slithered down onto the floor in a useless heap.

  *

  Gulls screamed overhead and the sound of waves dashing against stone filled Alfie’s ears. He smiled, feeling smug, because he knew that when he opened his eyes he would be the biggest, most powerful pirate
that Pirateland had ever seen.

  For a moment he lay there enjoying the sun warming his face. A fresh sea breeze chased up one hairy nostril and out the other. The raucous cries of the gulls clamouring overhead was music to his ears.

  “Ahh!” Alfie yawned and stretched. “What?” His eyes snapped open immediately. There was an ominous clanking sound and he realised – he couldn’t move! He wriggled and pulled, but his arms and legs didn’t budge an inch. Above his head was a tree, every branch hung heavy with fat pigeons.

  “Coo,” said a pigeon with squinty eyes. Lifting its tail, it plopped on Alfie’s jacket.

  “Argh!” yelled Alfie, thrashing about even more wildly. Chunky chains were attached to both of his wrists. Chains that were in turn riveted to iron stakes hammered into the ground. His ankles wouldn’t move either and as he thrashed, the chains tying down his legs clattered and rattled.

  “Argh!” yelled Alfie, pulling on the chains, while deep within him, mounting banks of fury grew. “WHO DARES TO CHAIN ME DOWN?” His voice was so loud and so fierce, the circle of scruffy sailors surrounding him all took a few hasty steps backwards.

  “Oy fink ‘e be a bit cross,” said one, taking a quick swig from his flagon of rum.

  “Hic!” The sailor next to him drooped onto his shoulder.

  Alfie thrashed, and he kicked, and he strained those chains to breaking point, but still they didn’t budge. Finally, red hot, boiling fury welled up inside him blowing out of his ears, his nose, and his mouth.

  “ARRRRRRRGH!”

  The mighty torrent of noise made the flock of pigeons fly away. The sailors scuttled back, and then Alfie tensed his muscles. Pulling back his arms and legs he strained the chains to breaking point and then he heaved.

  PLINK! One of the stakes shot out of the ground, the chain flew up in the air. PONG, PING, TWANG! Each one of the remaining stakes freed itself and Alfie leapt to his feet.

  “Arrgh!” Whipping the wrist chains in the air, he twirled them round his head. The chains made a sound like the wind whistling down an alley on a winter’s night. Round and round the chains went, clattering, whistling, whizzing. The drunken sailors’ heads swayed from side to side as they watched. Round and round went the chains. Suddenly, Alfie dipped one arm and the chain wrapped itself around the nearest sailor’s legs, toppling him over.