Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

  Look a little bit closer at these things that many people desire. And try the following exercise.

  Try This for Yourself For a day or two, just watch the wanting that comes up.

  In what area does it show up the most?

  Where is the biggest lack felt?

  You don’t need to do anything but notice and acknowledge. Watch what happens, and notice how it feels. Feel the gap between wanting and not having, and observe what sensations are triggered when wanting appears. Bringing attention to the mechanism of wanting will reveal curious things.

  Wanting Control

  Control is one of the main human wants—wanting to be in charge, powerful, and right. Wanting to have control over actions, thoughts, and feelings is the driving force that moves actions in a particular way. Wanting control is the flip side of lacking control. Wanting is a sign that something is incomplete, or missing.

  Here is another angle. Wanting control is just that—wanting. Spontaneous actions are happening, and so is the thought story. The narrator tells the story in first person: How I did this and I did that, owning the deeds, presenting himself or herself as the creator, the master of body, the thinker of thoughts. I am the good guy or the bad guy, depending on the situation.

  There is a story about trying to be in control and not succeeding and the feelings of guilt and shame that arise with the failure. It is interesting to watch how all this works, how thoughts of lacking and wanting create a ripple of sensations, and how you can’t control any of it. Sensations arise; take a look at them. Which one of them is the sensation of “being in or out of control”? Can you pinpoint it? What is that sensation without the label?

  In simple everyday life, what is happening is happening. Decisions are made, actions are taken, things get done. Thinking about what should be done, thinking about what needs to be done, and planning the next step flow with whatever is happening. Hands and feet are doing their thing and thoughts are flying by.

  What is in control of that? Think about it. If I ask “What is in control of the weather?,” what would your answer be? Thoughts? Clouds? Or maybe the wind?

  Wanting to be in control is painful. One is trying to get all the ducks in a row all the time. The environment and others must be controlled, otherwise…unwanted emotions will arise, and that means suffering.

  The end of trying to change what is starts with seeing that the doer is imagined. Still, though, actions are taken and choices are made with or without the narration of events. So what? The story continues. When a story is seen as a story, not actuality, it can carry on without making things and events overly serious and dramatic. The story can be taken lightly; it can be entertaining and fun, as well as serious when a situation asks for seriousness.

  I find that if I don’t take action when “wanting control” shows up, the focus shifts to something else. This pattern needs to be seen, then it can drop away. Then one can relax into being and enjoy what is happening, rather than trying endlessly to make things go in a particular way and becoming upset when they don’t.

  The ride does not care how the passenger feels about what is happening; it carries on regardless. The passenger, however, cares about the ride—especially if she thinks she’s the driver.

  Wanting Security

  Wanting security comes with thoughts about time. Wanting security has to do with thoughts or fear about the future. The mind creates endless what-if scenarios about how the future is uncertain, unwelcome, and scary. The fear of the unknown is at the root of wanting security. Interestingly, fear shows up when thoughts about the future come up. If there is no anxiety about what will be, then security is not an issue.

  Fear and security are different ends of the same stick. They are connected to projections of an imagined outcome. If you stopped thinking about what may happen and paid attention to what is actually happening right here, right now, there wouldn’t be any room for fear; there wouldn’t be any need to protect a self-image from things that may or may not happen.

  Consider this: the future never comes—all we have is now. Thinking about problems does not always solve problems, it mostly creates them. Thinking about the past or future creates a sensation that there is a lack of safety. It can drive you nuts. All of this is happening in the mind, not in reality, so stop it. Don’t pour petrol onto the fire when fearful thoughts come up. Don’t feed the stories with more stories. Instead, focus on the sensations that are happening now; let them be seen, and let them pass. Out of curiosity, look behind the fear. What is it trying to protect?

  Wanting Love and Acceptance

  Wanting to be loved, acknowledged, validated, heard, respected, honored, accepted, and cherished are big wants. It’s common to think that love and acceptance have to come from someone else, from outside; only then, you imagine, will you be happy and feel loved. But the love you seek is really love for yourself. There is no one person out there who can give it to you. The heart wants to love freely, openly, and limitlessly. The heart opens when conditions are right. I will talk more about this in the “Deep Looking” chapter and give you guidelines on how to listen to the heart and hear what it really wants.

  Other Wants

  Other common wants include living in the present, being yourself, living fully, not wanting, stopping searching, and knowing. You can examine the field of attachments, wants, and desires yourself. If there is action you can take when a want comes up, then take it. If not, just watch, smile, take notes, and release.

  Shanti

  I communicated with Shanti over the course of two weeks. She e-mailed me when she was already in the looking process, so it was a focused and quick conversation. The last boundary she needed to see through was fear about her children. She was afraid that she would lose them if the truth was realized. It did not take her long to face that fear and drop it. It was very interesting to hear that, despite the fact that she was a facilitator for Scott Kiloby’s The Living Inquiries, she was still looking for answers and getting angry about not “getting” it. Finally, after years of seeking, the home was found over the course of our correspondence. The simplicity finally came. I was very happy for Shanti that our inquiry worked.

  Shanti: Hello. I am in Switzerland and am at the Gate, would love some midwifery. Do you do Skype sessions?

  Ilona: Hi Shanti. Thanks for the message. I don’t do Skype sessions at the moment; I prefer e-mail or the forum. Whichever works for you. Kind regards.

  Shanti: I have a difficult time with words, plus I am lazy—let’s give e-mail a try. I will begin tomorrow. Is this okay for you? Is there anything I need to know? Thank you.

  The next day…

  Shanti: Good morning. It simply begins. There is much that has been undone, or that unraveled. The concept of no choice, of the “I,” yet there is anger mostly directed at my four children. It is intense and it hurts at times. It is so much different than before, but there is still this idea that they are “mine” and I am responsible for feeding them, taking care of them and raising them. There is still a sense of separateness. Confusion mostly, and some fear. Thank you.

  Ilona: Hi Shanti. Of course a mother will take care of her children, and there is no doubt about strong connection and love. That is how life is, in nature too, the mother cares about her children. It does not mean, though, that she owns them. Does your mother own you? The anger is a response to triggers. If you hurt your leg and somebody kicks it by accident, naturally it will hurt and there will be a response, a reaction, perhaps anger. It hurts, because it’s wounded. So there is also a reaction when emotional wounds are touched or pressed on. That is, until they heal and no longer trigger any reaction. This process is about seeing what is really going on in your experience. It does not fix anything, nor change how things are. Only lets you see for yourself, by yourself, how it all works. If you are looking to fix something or get rid of anger, this process is not about that. If you want the truth, no matter what, and are ready to question your most precious beliefs, then we can work t
ogether.

  On the scale from 1–10, how ready are you?

  What is it that you are looking for?

  Sending love.

  Shanti: Yes. It more feels like the mother thing is too much, a “so much responsibility and freedom is hard to find” kind of a reaction. I am ready. 10. I am done seeking, looking has begun. The “I” doesn’t think, and I think that I am either at the Gate or over it. I see that there is no “I,” there is, however, still a sense of “self” being a mother, for example, or a person who needs/wants to make money to pay bills. When I first approached you, I think I was looking for some kind of answer. It is not like this anymore. It feels more like a settling in, and I want to make sure that a sense of self lingers. Gratitude for you.

  Ilona: Hi Shanti. Thank you for the e-mail, I see you are ripe and ready.

  So you say that “I” does not think; can it cross the Gate?

  What is the “I” that you are referring to?

  What are the expectations at this point?

  Does the sense of aliveness or being have to cease?

  Are you waiting for some state or big experience?

  It may or may not happen and it isn’t a necessary part of the process. The shift may be so subtle that it may be hard to notice. What is it that sees that there is no “I”?

  Write soon.

  Shanti:

  What is it that sees that there is no “I”?

  Phew! I have no idea: eyes, looking? It has been subtle—prior to the shift there was a lot of anger and resistance and tantrum throwing. A lot! And then I noticed, Hmm. “I” doesn’t think, drink, eat, sleep. It is a thought just like all the others. There was laughter, and, Holy crap, is this it? Cool. And then the children and contraction and the idea that something has to stay, like the laughter has to be permanent or something that could care less. The sense that “I” has to be here, even if I see that it isn’t. In my immediate experience there is no one here and yet there’s also a sense that I will find her if I just wait long enough. Have you ever gone looking for your keys or something you were sure you knew where you left them, and after a while of looking you experience frustration, irritation maybe. Damn, I know they are here somewhere. Then you find them in your pocket and you laugh out loud. Yep, that simple—yet, not totally. It seems like layers are peeling away effortlessly and it should be hard and deep and whiz bang boom.

  Ilona: Sweet! It should be hard. Ha ha, but yes, so simple. It’s like looking for home while being at home. No-step journey. Finding home is just noticing that you have never left home.

  About the children, is it possible to stop caring about them?

  Are they separate from you?

  Is there an “I” in each of them?

  Much love.

  Shanti: No, not possible to stop caring about them. There is no “I” in any of them. Are they separate from me? Hmm, seems like it at the moment in my current experience. They don’t even exist, so this is strange, there is a sense that they are somehow separate, but also not. Loving you.

  Ilona: Separation is only a thought.

  Take a look with the senses, each one individually.

  Is there anything separate in hearing?

  Is there a gap between the hearer and the sound?

  Is there anything separate in the view when you look with eyes closed and when you look with eyes open?

  How about touch? Feel the sensation of touch and see if there is a gap between experienced and experiencer.

  Look at nature, spend some time watching the movement of totality. Is there anything incomplete or independent of everything else?

  Write to me soon. Much love.

  Shanti: Hearing happens. Viewing happens. No separation between hearer/hearing or viewing/viewer or feeler/felt. No gap between experiencer/experienced. In nature there appear to be separate “things”—birds in the sky, clouds in the sky, wind in the trees or on the skin. Trees in the ground and the sky or surrounding landscape; all of it being experienced together.

  In my home there are my children, my husband, and they appear to be separate, but they are not separate. They exist because I do. The experience of them would not take place without me experiencing them. There are thoughts that this just doesn’t make any sense, this appearance of separation, the apparent others, and some settling of this “knowing.” There is less and less of the sense of actual separation, so many ideas of what I thought not experiencing separation would be like. So many fantasies falling away. Good. Big love.

  Ilona:

  Hearing happens. Viewing happens. No separation between hearer/hearing or viewing/viewer or feeler/felt. No gap between experiencer/experienced. In nature there appear to be separate “things”—birds in the sky, clouds in the sky, wind in the trees or on the skin. Trees in the ground and the sky or surrounding landscape; all of it being experienced together.

  It is only language that makes the experienced appear separated. When you see the bird in the sky, there is a movement of shapes and colors, labels come up—“bird,” “sky,” “in.”

  Can you experience a bird without sky, outside of sky (while looking up)?

  It’s just like saying that the grass is growing and assuming that there is something called grass that does the growing. It’s one indivisible whole, which can only be divided by words; words that are believed to be real things, objects.

  In my home there are my children, my husband, and they appear to be separate, but they are not separate. They exist because I do. The experience of them would not take place without me experiencing them.

  Yes. Good stuff. Here is an article for you called “The Trick of Language” [included in this book, in the chapter “Concepts, Words, and Stories Are Not What They Seem”] and an exercise in the follow-up post on my blog. Do it properly and write to me after—what you noticed, how the description of what is happening affects what’s happening. Love back to you.

  Shanti: I will write tomorrow, I think. Feeling a little sick. Earlier I felt I had a lot to respond with. It went away though. Thank you.

  Ilona: Hope you are feeling better. Sometimes the process can be very intense and the body can be going through stress. Disillusionment can be accompanied by purging—intense burning in the body and flu-like symptoms. If it’s happening, rest a lot and let the process take care of itself. It’s all part of it. It will pass. Just let it all be okay. Sending love to you.

  Shanti: Thank you, good to hear. Physically, the last eight months or so have been interesting to say the least. I am a mover, I train the body a lot because I like to, not to achieve anything. But it has been hard going these last eight months, catching almost all colds and viruses. Not just me, my whole family. Sleep is good, when I get it (I’m often up with sick kids), but I’ve had nightmarish dreams the last two months. Otherwise peaceful sleep, no spinning just sleeping. Your words are like a salve, letting me know that this experience is just happening. No one to blame, nowhere to look to make it better. Ironically, at the moment, the “sickness” feels like a relaxation with a bit of resistance, or better said “residue,” showing up physically.

  I would like to share a bit of my process with you. I am thirty-seven. Two years ago I went to The School for The Work with Byron Katie [see http://thework.com] and the veils really began to drop. Prior to that experience, I didn’t know anything about non-duality, enlightenment, awakening—nada. I didn’t even know that thoughts aren’t real. I did The Work for one year, every day, almost all day. Then, like most things, it dropped away. Life felt easy, effortless, it was nice.

  Then—well I don’t know exactly what happened, but it felt like I fell out of that experience and there was a series of events that took me into the deep dark uglies, real bad. There was deep depression and sickness that was followed by rage and pissed-offness—it was intense, and it’s only in the last two weeks that it seems to have subsided. During the darkness, I became a facilitator for the Scott Kiloby “Inquiries.” I just got more and more pissed off and had
a feeling I was getting so close to seeing “the holy grail,” whatever the hell that was. I just got fuckin’ pissed and fed up with looking. Looking at words, images, sensations and looking for some self and not being able to find it, ever. Thinking the looking was going to kill me. There is a huge difference between looking and seeing. This I have experienced.

  Then a very dear friend of mine sent me your book on whatever day it was that I contacted you. I had been feeling like I needed support of some kind, someone to help me see what I was already seeing and experiencing. Honestly, someone who would validate what I was/am experiencing, like giving me a home until I really could see I am already home. That person right now is you. Deep gratitude. Language is something I see through quickly in the moment and I could easily fall into a space where communication would get really weird, but we seem to have overcome the paradox of using I, you, we, us, me, which is strange but useful. Verbing is all that is really going on.

  Many things you have said, I have experienced but then not seen, if that makes any kind of sense. Yesterday, as I read your book, reading stopped and all desire to read such books left; there’s a movement away—and just now, as this e-mail is being written, there is movement to prepare lunch. There is no one doing it. It is just happening. I have been pointing for others for a long time and I just didn’t know that that was what I was doing. Now the happenings seem to make some kind of sense.

  I most definitely thought there would be some big boom and now I notice so many misconceptions and misunderstandings—not the least of which is being Shanti. She is the confusion, the compromise that was created to fit in, out of love, yet meaningless. Applying this to my children has been so interesting; they too are a story. Without the story, they just are. I have no idea if this is making any sense; thank you for reading so far. There are silly questions still about time and money but they come and they go as if I cannot grab on to them at all. Falling away.