Ilona: Hey Rowland. Thank you for answers! Yes, you are staring right at it. Now do the math.
Is there a separate “self,” “I,” or “me” at all, in any shape or form?
Was there ever?
How does it feel to answer as you answer?
Much love.
Rowland: Thank you, as ever, for the amazing gift of your expression, Ilona! At the moment I feel rather confused, but will just write as it comes, without filters. On the one hand, it feels like I can’t find a separate self if I look for it. I can only find thoughts/feelings and I-thought sensations; yet, on the other hand, there still seems to be that self operating with a kind of “heaviness,” but I’m not sure how or where. I’m not sure if thought is simply trying to sabotage this in its familiar way: trying to perpetuate the process of “looking” to keep itself in business. It keeps insisting that I haven’t really seen this, or There is only mental understanding of this, not experiential. But is this just thought up to its old tricks? Not sure. Certainly, there is a subtle sense of transparency around “Rowland,” but there are still longer periods of contraction. Perhaps this is because of expectations here and an assumption that suffering will just drop away, or that there will be some grand change? This itself creates tension, I can see. So, there is both a feeling of being close to the Gate, and still being far away! And arising with this today is frustration, irritation with myself (Why can’t I get this clearly and quickly like other people?), anxiety, guilt that I am taking up your time. But this is just what is happening, I guess. At other points this week there has been much more lightness. I think perhaps I need to keep digging and looking.
When “I” comes up hypnotically, have a good look, see if it can be found.
The “Rowland” I-thoughts need to be seen as an illusion, so that they don’t keep snagging me when they come up. Perhaps I need to look a bit more closely at what a thought actually is. I have also decided to see a psychiatric nurse, and have made an appointment. I have had ongoing mental health issues for more than twenty years and seen various counselors, but I think now it needs to be addressed. Some of the mood swings I experience may simply be to do with a chemical imbalance in the brain, I suspect. Looking at the symptoms that seem to come up, it is a combination of bipolar and OCD, though I know these are just labels. However, there is less of a story attached to all of this now, less of a “me and my crazy emotions” story, and the various feelings that are triggered by it. It’s not “me.” But it’s a bit like having a broken leg, it just seems sensible to see a doctor! Interestingly, mental illness (a terrible phrase) itself is quite a powerful pointer: if looked at clearly, it shows that nobody at all is at the helm. This is just stuff happening! Thank you so much for all your patience and kindness, Ilona, and for sticking by me with all these ups and downs. It does feel like things are starting to fall away, however much the mind might try to resist.
Much love, R.
Ilona: Hi Rowland. Yes, you have noticed it right, thoughts trigger contractions and the more they are resisted the harder it gets. Don’t worry about how long it takes, it takes as long as needed. And it cannot be any other way for you. Trust that all that shows up is right.
I think perhaps I need to keep digging and looking.
When “I” comes up hypnotically, have a good look, see if it can be found.
The “Rowland” I-thoughts need to be seen as an illusion, so that they don’t keep snagging me when they come up. Perhaps I need to look a bit more closely at what a thought actually is.
Very good point.
What is a thought?
Where does it come from?
Where does it go?
Can thoughts be controlled?
Is “I” a different thought? Is it more than a thought?
How about the thought “me”? Where does it point to?
If you take your finger and point now to this “me,” where is the finger pointing to?
This is just stuff happening!
Yes! It’s just stuff happening! Judging it as wrong or labeling it “illness”—does that make it so?
Big swings may be intense, but that, too, is just happening.
I cannot advise you about seeing a nurse or not, you know best what is right for you, just trust what feels like a big yes. Seeing through illusion does not change the character, nor what is happening, it just gives space for what shows up to play out without resistance.
You may also investigate if there is a mind.
What does the word “mind” point to?
Is there an invisible container of thoughts, memories, and hopes?
Or is it always just one thought after another, one thought at a time?
Thought says it is the mind thinking, but is there such a faculty as the mind doing thinking?
What do you see when you look here?
Much love.
Rowland: Thank you so much for your reply, dear Ilona! Sorry, I have taken a couple of days, but work has been especially busy, and I wanted to reflect clearly on the questions. Thank you too for your suggestion that I go with intuition in terms of seeing a doctor or nurse; it feels right at the moment.
There has been more lightness over the past couple of days, and less of a feeling of mood swings being “personal.” “Rowland” has felt lighter, less serious. Just keep checking in with what is real and present: sensations, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, awareness of these. Just stuff coming up presently. Now and now and now, what is actually here. A thought is an object in awareness, it comes and goes like the sound of my fingers on the keyboard right now. It stops and starts. The thought I like oranges arises, and then drops away. After/before each thought is emptiness, silence. Awareness is not more aware of a thought than it is of the voices that can be heard outside right now. So a thought could be seen like a kind of sensation. If a thought is no closer than a sound, what makes it “mine”? This is conditioned thinking. It just feels like it’s mine, feels like it refers to “me,” or describes “me,” or tells a story about a “me” with a past and a future, and with “shoulds” and “should nots,” with ongoing problems and worries. Is any of this real? It just feels like it is inside something called “my head,” but going on present evidence, is this true? There are sensations of a head, and thoughts presently arising, but there is no evidence that these are occurring inside those sensations. When a thought is looked at head-on, it can’t be “what I am,” as it is the object of noticing, like the sensations of this keyboard. It is just coming up neutrally in what is.
Where is the “I” to which thought refers? It exists nowhere except in thought.
If I were to point to “me,” I would probably point towards head sensations. But does the I-thought necessarily have anything to do with these?
You may also investigate if there is a mind.
What do you see when you look here?
Where is the mind?
“Mind” is just another thought. It points to nothing. Going on present evidence, there is no container of thoughts. Just one thought at a time. It just struck me that thoughts only really refer to themselves, only to other thoughts. They only seem to refer to a reality. But they don’t, as reality just is. Thoughts just are. Their meaning is only assumed. If the question “Where is the thinker?” is asked, there isn’t one to be found. Just thoughts coming and going. Thank you again!
Much love, R.
Ilona: Hi Rowland. Oh yes, you’re seeing it. Thoughts and sensory experiences don’t touch each other. Thoughts are only referring to other thoughts. It’s all thoughts about other thoughts. And this is also part of experience, part of what is happening.
How does it feel to see this?
What do you see now when you look at the character Rowland?
Is Rowland telling the story?
Is he driving what is happening?
Is there an actor that plays Rowland?
Is he the experiencer?
Show me what you see.
Big smi
le and hug.
Rowland: Thank you, dear Ilona! I hope this e-mail finds you well. I wrote quite a bit in my journal yesterday in response to your e-mail. I hope it makes sense, as I wrote fast!
How does it feel to see this?
It feels freeing to see this! There is less heaviness if the thought “I” is attached to sensations—it is just one more thing being noticed in awareness, one more sensation. Looking again now.
To which sensations does the I-thought refer?
Thought says “my body” because only “I can feel them,” but where is this “I”? Where is the evidence? Right now, the sounds of the car outside, the birds chirping, the cat crunching his biscuits, his claws now clicking across the floor; these sounds are just as close as body sensations. There isn’t really any “close,” because there isn’t really any “far away.”
And with eyes closed; is there a distinction between body sensations and chair?
Despite the insistence of thought, it is impossible to say where “body” sensations end and “chair” sensations begin. It is all one flow. There is at the moment a lightness to seeing this, a subtle expansiveness and everything appearing equally here, in awareness. Listening to the birds right now; these sounds are inside awareness, the thoughts “I” or “Rowland” are inside awareness, the colors of my cat are inside awareness, but none of this is what I am. And is there an inside? It is all just stuff happening, coming and going, with a changelessly aware backdrop. (Is there even a backdrop?) Awareness is not an identity or person, it is just an ongoing, utterly pristine, noticing. More of a verb? Not a solid, or even ethereal, thing. But it is always here. Still flip-flopping with this, but seeing, too.
Where is the “I” that is flip-flopping?
Can’t be found. Just sensations, feelings, coming and going, some thought labels “pleasant,” some “unpleasant.”
Where is this “I”?
My wife has just come downstairs and words (which can’t be seen!) are coming out of something called a “mouth,” these words are just happening. Where is the “I” who is speaking? So much love everywhere! Only thought seems to prevent this from being seen.
What do you see now when you look at the character Rowland?
Is Rowland telling the story?
Is he driving what is happening?
Is there an actor that plays Rowland?
Is he the experiencer?
Show me what you see.
Rowland is an interesting character in the play of life! Loving, complicated, funny, warm, distant, shy, insecure, anxious, expansive, manic, withdrawn, compassionate, selfish, too sensitive, insensitive, addictive, troubled, frustrated…a bit of a colorful, rich mess! Suffering kicks in with the assumption that this is who I am, and that there is an “I” who can make things better, or improve, or be more spiritual, or could have been or done better. Suffering also kicks in with too much investment in any of these labels (Where is “withdrawn” or “too sensitive” in reality?). But there is nothing here other than sensations (even thoughts, feelings, perceptions could be seen as just things being sensed). Just what is coming up. And coming up. And coming up. What are the implications of this? It seems important to see these in reality. Might look into this a bit more. What exactly is this freedom? So “Rowland” does feel lighter at times—definitely. I feel like I am staring at the Gate, but then thought tells me I am not, that this is just intellectual! That I am just saying the right things, but it’s just thought up to its old tricks! Although the “I” cannot be found, thought still seems to be potent and hypnotic at times.
Big smile and hug back to you! Thank you deeply for your amazing compassion and patience.
Ilona: Hi Rowland. I enjoyed reading that. Nice observations.
You say thoughts say that it’s just intellectual. Do you believe this thought?
Take a look, is there a Gate to cross?
See what comes up when you ask the question “Is there an I?,” rather than “Where is this I?”
Much love.
Rowland: Thank you, Ilona! When I ask the question “Is there an I?,” the thought comes up, No, there isn’t, but it still feels at times like there is one.
It is definitely being seen through more and more. What seems to happen at the moment is flip-flopping between a sense of lightness and ease and then something triggers conditioning, and the “I” solidifies again (or seems to). Fear and guilt often seem particularly to trigger the I-sense (the two emotions that have perhaps caused me the most difficulty since childhood).
For example, yesterday I happened across some writings on karma and the “unimaginable pains” of the lower realms in Mahayana Buddhism. (I think other forms of Buddhism speak of lower or hell realms as well, don’t they?) This generated self-centered fear, even panic; and the “I” popped up immediately and a terror of experiencing this “myself” (What might “my” karmic debt be?), and also of this happening to others. Obsessive personal thoughts began churning and ruminating on past deeds, on karma. I could almost feel the “I” feeding on this! Real contraction. And then the thoughts, What if this is correct? What if there are terrifying hell realms? How can I know for sure? This began just digging away at me. It’s a bit like spiritual hypochondria!
But I’m sitting with the fear, and the guilt, and the uncomfortable emotions, and the feeling of contraction. I’m having a good look at them. Who is feeling this fear? This guilt? Who is suffering? These emotions cover up the simple contentment of the present moment. They are thought’s attempts to keep the story going. It doesn’t want to be seen through! But are the emotions actually present? No, just labels imposed on raw sensation.
There is a bit of relief as I type this, as I look at what I’ve written. I think I need to keep away from spiritual websites and forums and stick to present-moment, direct experience. There is so much stuff out there, so many concepts, theories, perspectives, beliefs. What is true now?
Much love.
Ilona: Okay, consider this: there is no “who.” It’s a construct of language, useful in communicating and storytelling. But, there is no “who” outside of language. If language was made just of verbs alone, such questions as “who” or “what” would not arise.
“Who” points to a separate entity, subject, but is there a subject that experiences or is experiencing happening?
What is true in your experience?
Is there a “who”?
Is there a “what”?
Is there a gap between perceiver and perceived?
Is there someone or something that feels guilt?
Are sensations of contraction happening to some perceiver?
Is seeing happening to a seer?
Sending love.
Rowland: Thank you, dear Ilona! The Gateless Gate seems nearer and nearer.
Okay, consider this: there is no “who.” It’s a construct of language, useful in communicating and storytelling. But, there is no “who” outside of language.
This is becoming clearer and clearer, Ilona. Without language, where are any problems?
If language was made just of verbs alone, such questions as “who” or “what” would not arise.
There would be such freedom too. It is I/you/they that creates problems, responsibilities, debts, pressures, shoulds, should nots, conflicts, difficulties, worries. Without these, there would just be the spontaneous arising of sensations. No judging. No ongoing, painful stories. Without the I-thought, where is the person with a problematic past/present/future? With obligations? This is real freedom and just needs to be totally felt and seen, I think. Really felt and seen. At the moment it feels like there are glimpses of the light.
“Who” points to a separate entity, subject, but is there a subject that experiences or is experiencing happening?
Looking now, there definitely isn’t one. It is just not there. Throughout the day I pause to have a look—particularly when difficult thoughts or memories are coming up—and there are only the thoughts, feelings, sensa
tions. I can’t find a center to them. Who is there to believe that thoughts are true?
What is true in your experience?
Is there a “who”?
Is there a “what”?
Is there a gap between perceiver and perceived?
Is there someone or something that feels guilt?
Are sensations of contraction happening to some perceiver?
Is seeing happening to a seer?
There is no “who,” and not even a “what.” It is difficult to say anything beyond “there is noticing of sensations.” There is noticing of what is coming up right now. A gap between perceiver and perceived cannot be found either.
What would hearing be without the object of hearing? Where does “hearing” end and the sound of voices begin? Where does the “seeing” of this computer end and the computer itself begin? Nothing can be separated out.
No feeler of guilt or fear can be found—just thoughts, anxious sensations, presently arising. But none at the moment. My sense is that I am seeing this pretty clearly now, but that conditioning/patterns just need to be thoroughly seen through, as they come up with such force. Guilt and fear have been such strong emotions since childhood. Just need to keep questioning assumptions and thoughts.
Love and light!
Ilona: Yes, right here, spot on. Let this just settle in. Keep noticing and looking. Focus on what is already obvious; instead of looking for what is not there, look at what is.
Is there anything, anyone that owns conditioning?
Sending love.
Rowland: Thank you, Ilona. Yes, I think I need to settle in with this, to keep looking, to get really clear. What I am finding at the moment is that there is no “I” to be found and there are periods of lightness as this is seen, and then thought seems to come in with such hypnotic and compelling force, it almost feels overpowering! It feels so hard not to listen to the self-critical thought-voice, particularly when it starts drawing on painful stories and memories. As you suggest, focus on what is real: sensations, colors, sounds—all arising right now in awareness. Everything else is story. This is so clear as I write this. Thank you for sticking with me, Ilona. I am so deeply grateful to you.
Liberation Unleashed Page 15
