Love, R.
Ilona: Great stuff.
Now look, is there anyone who gets lost in a story or is it just more story arising?
Examine the voice in the head. Is there a listener to which it is talking?
Does the voice know what is true or does it thinks that it knows?
Much love.
Rowland: Thanks, Ilona! Hope you are enjoying the sunny weather! I sat quietly yesterday and spent some time inquiring into thought.
Yes, the idea that there is anyone who gets lost in a story is just more story! There are stories that arise; thoughts, memories, images, but (if I am really honest) nobody there to take ownership of them. They are not “my” stories, “my” memories. Thoughts appear, like sensations and perceptions appear, in impersonal awareness.
So there is no need to “do” anything with thoughts any more than there is a need to “do” anything with the sound of a blackbird on a roof. The key for me at the moment is not to be afraid of, or frustrated by, thought as if it is waiting in the wings, and might spring out at any moment to hypnotize me and draw me in! I think I still attribute too much power to thought. I still get irritated sometimes that thought is so busy that I rarely achieve a state of “spiritual stillness.” But, of course, the more I want a quiet mind, the more it will elude me. I spent much of yesterday feeling light and unencumbered with “me”: it was so clear that life, no matter what is arising, does not know worries and problems. This is just the natural way of being! Tomorrow I have my appointment with the doctor to discuss “my” (!) OCD/bipolar traits, but again, this is not an identity. Just stuff that is arising and needs to be looked at! Take care. Lots of love and gratitude.
Ilona: Nice! I can see that the veil is lifting.
Look at thought itself. How does it happen that it gets believed?
What is a belief?
How does it work?
Is any belief true?
If so, what makes it true?
Sending love.
Rowland: Attention and energy go to the thought, such that it is believed and becomes “true.” But any thought is a belief, and therefore no thought is really “true.” Even memory thoughts, which seem to be “more” than thoughts, which seem to solidify the separate self (I did such and such… , I used to do x, y, z… , and so forth), even these are beliefs, as they rely on the reality of the “I.”
It hit me a couple of days ago that any thought which contains a statement about “I” is ultimately a fiction. It’s like the implications of this freedom are beginning to trickle through with the mind not wanting them to be seen, wanting to keep the prison running, however subtly. Even the thought I bought a bottle of water yesterday relies on three assumptions: that there is an “I”; that there is a separate, self-contained, independent object (a bottle of water); and that there is, in reality, something concrete (“back there”) called “yesterday.” But these are all just assumptions.
All there is, is what is happening right now. Thoughts, sensations, feelings, arising in unchanging awareness. Those thoughts/feelings/sensations aren’t necessarily related to one another as an “entity” either; this is another assumption. What does the thought I am typing necessarily have to do with the physical sensations of typing, beyond the fact that this is all experienced in/by awareness? This is so freeing! If no thought is believed, there is only natural freedom. I need to keep coming back to this, seeing this, even though there is no “I” to do this (!). That is just more of the prison.
I found myself yesterday getting into the trap of Should I or should I not practice? and reading what different teachers say—strong arguments both ways. And then thoughts would arise like: It’s okay to practice if I am not expecting anything from it. But how do I know if I am expecting something or not? Again, all this suffering/confusion/frustration is thought. All of it.
I will continue to sit quietly in the evening, inquiring and looking until I don’t. I just enjoy it.
Take care, Ilona! It has been lovely seeing the sunshine over the last few days, the countryside bristling with butterflies and honeybees!
Love and light.
Ilona: Oh, I love this warm sunshine! And I have the sea five minutes down the road. Really nice to feel warm. Yes, yes, yes, this is very clear. Practice or no practice? How about both. Practice happens when it happens and then it’s not practice, but arising in awareness. Just meditate. Expectations, too, are only thoughts about thoughts. Yes, let this settle and enjoy the ride. Can you say you are ready for the final questions?
Much love.
Rowland: Thanks so much, Ilona, glad you are enjoying the sun! Could I possibly stay with this for a week or two, and get back to you? I feel like I still need to settle in with the seeing, to really “get” the implications of it. We are off to Norfolk tomorrow until Monday. Have a brilliant weekend!
Much love.
Ilona: Sure, Rowland, get back to me when it’s the right time. For now, have a wonderful time!
Sending lots of love!
Rowland: Hi Ilona. How are you? Hope you have had a great two weeks, and have been enjoying the sunshine by the sea! We are off tomorrow to the Whitby Coast for a long weekend.
The sea is such a good reminder, always present and yet never the same from moment to moment! A mass of beautiful, shifting, changing sensations, ceaselessly tumbling into and out of new forms and yet always “the sea”!
Over the last couple of weeks, I have certainly felt more freedom and spaciousness, and thoughts have a bit less “sting.” Much more of a sense of just being here with what arises. Rowland is far less solid than he used to be! Thoughts/situations do come up and seem to “snag” me, but with a bit of looking, I can’t find anyone who is being “snagged” or “caught.”
It is like I am kind of growing into freedom, like a child taking baby steps, two steps forward, two back, three forward, two back.
On Tuesday I saw a consultant who told me (as an initial assessment) that he thought I had a combination of OCD and borderline personality disorder (BPD), which I have always suspected. It’s interesting, though: these are clearly just labels now, nothing to be owned or taken personally. It is just what is happening. No need to worry about what will happen in the future either, as this will also just be what is happening! Sensations arising in a peaceful sea of awareness. When the consultant told me what he thought was going on with me, there was just a calm (even slightly amused) watching of the situation. Nothing really to get caught up in. Thank you so much for everything, Ilona, you guys at Liberation Unleashed do a truly amazing job holding people’s hands and guiding them so generously and wisely and patiently as they begin to see what is actually real and happening. To be honest, there is no way to express gratitude that is adequate, but thank you!
Much love, Rowland.
Ilona: Hi Rowland, So delightful to read your e-mail. I can see that relaxation is taking place, and that puts a huge smile on my face. Okay, so you say that Rowland is less solid. Good. Now let’s look deeper.
Where is the solid part?
What is here that indicates that Rowland is here?
What is Rowland made of?
How do you know?
Where is Rowland now?
Can you get rid of him?
Do you need to get rid of him?
What comes up here?
Much love.
Rowland: Thanks so much for your reply, Ilona!
The only “solidity” Rowland seems to have is, from time to time, in thought/memory. Otherwise he can’t be found. And sometimes thought seems to add itself to uncomfortable sensations/feelings, which creates more of a feeling of a solid “me.”
Over the past couple of days, my mood has gone up and down in quite intense ways—irritable, anxious, talkative, and so forth—and sometimes these mood swings are accompanied by automatic resistant or judgemental thinking (This shouldn’t be happening after all this inquiry!; This is OCD/BPD stuff; I’m crazy!; I’m so far from enlightened!; Ther
e shouldn’t be so much thinking!; and so forth). But is any of it happening to a “me”?
However uncomfortable sensations might be, they aren’t happening to a “me.” There is no “me” or “Rowland” to be found, except (seemingly) in the next thought. There is no “me” making anything happen, or being responsible for what is happening, or taking charge of it, or directing it. There is no “me” to make it go away. If the question “Who is thinking?” is asked, no thinker/doer can be found, just thoughts popping up spontaneously, referring to other thoughts.
Thank you!
Love, R.
Ilona: Thank you for answers and yay! Yes, the thoughts can come up, but they don’t need to stick. Just like weather changes, so do the mood and sensations; when you see that it’s just happening, there is no more suffering over “unpleasant” events. They come and go. No need to hold on to pleasant events either, they come and go too. There is freedom in experiencing this impermanence. So…
Can you say that, yes, it’s clear that “I” is not an entity in charge?
If not, what else can we look at?
Much love.
Rowland: Hi Ilona. Thank you so much, as ever, for your patience! I would say it is about 99.9 percent clear now that no entity is in charge, that sensations, and events, come and go.
Even in the midst of “difficult” moods it is clear that “I” am not causing them, or causing “difficult” events. Everything just flows in and out, like the tide, in the sea of awareness. Sometimes thoughts/stories seem to hook (which I guess is inevitable after decades of conditioning), but with a quick question—like “Where is this ‘I’?”—the thoughts can be seen for what they are: impersonal, not referring or belonging to anyone, not coming out of (or going) anywhere.
The one thing I would like to look at just a little more is time/memory, which can still hypnotize “me” most strongly; it is the one thing that still does (although not nearly as much as it used to). Painful memories resurface and powerfully seem to construct the “I” to which they refer. What is the best way to really see through these? I feel like I am so nearly there, so nearly ready for the final questions!
Take care.
Love and light.
Ilona: Great! Almost there. Okay, look at memories this way: they arise, so they can be looked at, feelings felt and released. The repressed memories are charged with unwanted feelings. The more these feelings get released, the less memories will surface. In a while they won’t trigger feelings anymore. So, instead of resisting these memories, try the opposite. Invite them to come up.
A good way to work with this is by writing. Draw a long line. On the left put a dot, your birthday. On the right put a dot, this is now. Then mark the time line and search for painful memories, mark them all on the line. Write down each one of them. Welcome each one of them into this presence and see if there is a theme running through. Examine and answer these questions:
Was there a separate self in these situations?
Could anything have been different at any of those times?
How does a memory arise?
How is a memory experienced?
Is there anything here, right now, that owns these memories?
At the end, once these questions are answered, go to each memory and give a hug to young Rowland. Tell him that you love him very much and always will. Write me a report on what happens.
Much love your way.
Rowland: Hi Ilona. Thank you so much. I think I am basically there!
Below are my answers to the questions, which I wrote over the weekend (and I added one more question: “Is there a past back there in which events happened?”). Hope they make sense.
It is an interesting time: just as I am about to see a psychologist after the diagnosis of BPD, the very self seems to be evaporating! But the conditioning does still need seeing through and working out, as it will continue to come up and cause suffering. Painful behaviors/feelings/compulsions here, but nobody around to take delivery of them!
The first thing I noticed was that, stretching right back to childhood, lots of memories have to do with shame, guilt, anger, or resentment. Almost as far back as I can remember. Saying how much I love the “young Rowland” after the inquiry brought up tears, and a sense of natural compassion (it became clear how little “self-compassion” has really been experienced here in this lifetime).
Was there a separate self in these situations?
No separate self in any situation, nobody controlling, or guiding, or who could have acted any differently. No real “situations,” just a flow of passing, never-to-be-repeated sensations. Is there a separate self here now, writing this? No. Fingers on a keyboard, sound of the keys, cars outside, breathing, thoughts popping up from time to time, arguing against this, but where is the one thinking? Silence.
Could anything have been different at any of those times?
Nothing could have been different because nobody, anywhere, is in control. Where is any “person” in those situations? Therefore, where are such things as guilt/blame/debt/issues still needing attention and so forth? Who would be going back into the “past”? Experience is only, effortlessly, now.
How does a memory arise?
A memory arises, completely spontaneously, in the present moment. Nobody is remembering. There is no “rememberer.”
How is a memory experienced?
A memory is always experienced now. But it is like a passing sensation, it is not personal. There is no evidence that it even refers back to anything other than another thought, so why get weighed down by something that doesn’t have any solid, independent reality? Who is there to “be” weighed down? Do any present sensations have any past or future? None. They are always fresh, history-less. (For example, the sensations labeled “foot” are all presently occurring for the first time, not referring back to a story of “previous sensations of foot”!) What is has no historical baggage. It is lighter than light, in truth. This is how life lives itself, whether this is seen or not.
Is there anything here, right now, that owns these memories?
Nobody owns those memories. A thought cannot own another thought. No memory refers to anything actual/substantial—just another thought, threaded through the I-thought. Presently arising sensations do not own or hold on to anything at all. Life itself is now. Being is now. If the memory/thought arises, such as I did such and such or They did such and such, to whom does this thought refer? There is no “I”/“they” to “do” or to “not do” anything, to claim or blame. Physical sensations/sense perceptions do not make an “I.” Nor is there a “they” or “he”/“she”/“you” out there responsible for anything. Sensations/perceptions do not act, they just arise spontaneously in awareness.
Is there a past back there in which events happened?
Where is “the past”? Thought paints a very convincing picture, but the past only arises now in thought. It doesn’t exist “somewhere else” as if it were waiting for thought to “reveal” it. It is re-created moment by moment, and each thought is totally new. There is no past to be “gone back into,” and nobody to “need” to do this, either. Everything is spontaneously, innocently, coming and going, coming and going, never to be repeated or “carried around” or taken personally. Hope this makes sense! Thank you again for everything, Ilona, I think I am ready for the final questions! Much love.
Ilona: Wonderful to hear! Love your answers. Looks like the past has been seen through. And here are some new questions for you. Please answer in full, when ready.
Much love.
Some time later…
Rowland: Hi Ilona. Below are my answers! Thank you so, so very much, and please let me know if I can do anything to help in the future. It is an interesting time: with BPD, “difficult” feelings/thoughts/behaviors inevitably will come up; and there will be days, I am sure, where the separate self will seem to reassert itself (although, who knows). But right now, Rowland can’t be found. I would love to write something, at some point
, on mental illness and seeing through the separate self. Perhaps it would help others who find themselves in a similar situation.
Much love, and keep in touch!
1. Is there a separate entity “self,” “me,” “I” at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?
No, there is no separate entity, no “I,” “me,” “you” anywhere. There can’t be, as separation cannot be found. Just the free play of sensations and perceptions in awareness: nobody is controlling, directing, or shaping it. Even thought that insists “it” is doing something, or acting independently in some way, is spontaneously arising. Thought can be very hypnotic, seductive, after a lifetime of conditioning, but when looked at, all of its claims are empty. Even the thoughts Thought is very seductive or There is a lifetime of conditioning are empty, not ultimately true. Not only is there no separate entity, there never has been. And even more than this, strictly speaking, there never has been anything. Sensations and perceptions arise spontaneously, moment by moment, and for the first time. Each sensation, including the sensation of thought, is totally free of historical baggage. The “past” (like the “future”) is just another spontaneously arising thought. It has no substance. And if there is no continuity in time, where is the separate self?
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