Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

  2. Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts, and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

  The separate self-illusion begins in early childhood (perhaps around the age of two): A baby is born without any story, sense of individuation, sense of “problems,” and so on. It doesn’t even conceive of itself as a “baby”! What we refer to as “baby” is (from the baby’s perspective) just a dance of sensations without end, only ever in the moment, beautiful and borderless and immediate. The separate self is the illusion that one is an individual human—apart from others, apart from the world, but with control, volition, past, and future. The body becomes a historical boundary, rather than just a present play of perception; thought becomes “my thought” and “thoughts about me” and begins to reference an imagined self-center. Life becomes heavy, burdensome, loses its lightness as responsibility kicks in, and gets heavier and heavier.

  The separate self, as it (apparently) grows older, feels more and more distant from the world/others, more and more defective, and less and less able to live up to standards imposed from a perceived “outside,” and also from an apparent “inside.” In my experience, life becomes very difficult: pushing harder and harder against the tide becomes the norm. The “inner” narrative for some apparent individuals becomes more painful with each passing decade, with increased “history” and concern about “future.”

  What began as a spontaneous dance becomes more like the trudge of a prisoner in a chain gang, who has no idea when he/she may be released—or if he/she ever will be free.

  Spirituality can then add to this difficult story: as we begin to read “spiritual” books, we might think we are returning to the dance, but often we are adding more rules, obligations, and “future” concern. We miss the fact that the dance has been happening all along, we have just missed it! The chain gang is a dream; the chains are not real. The dance is. The dance is happening.

  3. How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

  Although there are still challenges here—I have been diagnosed with a psychological disorder and am undergoing treatment—life is lighter, easier. There isn’t nearly as much guilty rumination, or anxious forward thinking. Life is taking care of itself; and there is nobody at the wheel. What is happening is happening. We may label bits of it “painful,” but these are just words. Everything is just arising spontaneously, so why worry, why regret? Why look backward, why look forward? Life itself never does. From moment to moment, moods might shift, thought might come back in and (seemingly) try to take center stage again, asserting the unhappy “me,” but if this is looked for, it cannot be found. And this is all just happening in the only way it can. All of it.

  4. What was the last bit that pushed you over? What made you look?

  For me, one of the most powerful recognitions was seeing the insubstantiality of the past, and of time generally. Memory, perhaps more than anything, was sustaining the unhappy narrative of “me.” Seeing that there is only ever now, but actually seeing it and investigating it rather than just reading about it, was important. Time is created moment by moment, and fades moment by moment.

  5. Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

  No, there is nobody to decide, choose, or control events in life. We cannot even say life chooses/controls/decides, as that would be to personify life, and give it an agenda. There is nobody here to decide and I don’t think I can even say that “decisions happen,” as the word “decision” still sounds too definitive, too much like there is a separate agent in the mix. Rather, events happen—whether those events are thoughts, feelings, perceptions. A so-called decision is just another event, coming and going in the flow of awareness. I am not making these words happen now, they are appearing as I type on the screen; but they are just happening, as are the thoughts that are running alongside them, as is the sound of cars, as is the sound of my cat’s claws on the dining-room floor. Where is the “me” in any of this? Why should thoughts be about “me” when the sounds of the cars clearly are not? Why the division? It is the same with a psychological disorder: I have not made this happen, nor has anyone else. It is a happening, too; and even to call it a “psychological disorder” presumes a past history which, actually, when looked for, cannot be found. It is just another series of constantly shifting, changing events, and there is no way of knowing what will happen. Who would want to know, anyway? What a beautiful mystery!

  6. Anything to add?

  I would mainly like to add my deep, deep gratitude to Ilona and everyone at the Liberation Unleashed website: what you guys do is generous and important beyond words, and a true outpouring of love. Thank you!

  Ilona: Wow. That is as clear as it gets. Thank you for wonderful answers and the whole process. I can already see how this has potential to help people that go through the same story as you. I would love to share this with readers of my blog, with your permission, of course. I don’t need to use your real name, let me know what you prefer. I am really, really happy for you. And I know you will be just fine. Your mind is not broken, it’s perfect and you express clearly and simply; I can see, you would be a good guide. Sending you a big hug and lots of love.

  Rowland: Hey Ilona. Thanks for your lovely e-mail! No worries at all with posting our dialogue on your blog. I am sure it will be okay to use “Rowland.” It would be really nice to help others, too. Take care, and have a great evening! Much love.

  A few months later, I asked Rowland to share how he was doing. Here is what he wrote:

  Since finishing the Liberation Unleashed investigation with dear Ilona, a number of things have become much clearer. The presence of a substantial, separate entity called “Rowland” has become very difficult indeed to find: it is evident, when looked at, that thoughts like I and me float through experiencing, like leaves do in the wind on a delicious autumn day. Where and what is this “me”? There is a looking back and…silence. Just this. And where is the one who decides, controls, chooses, wills? He, too, is a phantom, a thought’s thought, perhaps.

  But equally, challenges have arisen (and do arise). Even when it is clear that there is no separate “I” to speak of, thought can still surge up with hypnotic force, asking to be looked at, seen through. Some days this happens often—in times of stress, for example—and on other days, less so. But who is there to want or will this otherwise? Only “I” can have a problem with the arising of an “I.”

  It has also been interesting in that, simultaneous with the initial seeing-through of Rowland, I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder and am about to begin a course of psychological treatment as an outpatient. Old patterns and conditioning have flared painfully at times, addictions, mood swings, racing thoughts, manic overactivity giving way at points to sloth and frightening depression. But with all this said, there is certainly much greater acceptance than before: less of a need to turn it into a personal melodrama of cause and effect. It’s happening, like storms sometimes happen, and sunny days too. There is nobody, really, choosing it or not choosing it.

  And—weirdly—there is something kind of beautiful in the unpredictable, whirligig patterning of labels and thoughts; there is no reaching for judgements. In a way, (what is called) mental illness is a great teacher: it is a reminder that we are not separate from life; that there is nobody home to dictate the course of events; that the wind will blow as it blows. Maybe we’ll like it, maybe not! But who’s—and what’s—not to like? Hmm.

  There has also been a definite heart opening: a sense of overwhelming love at times for (seemingly) others, whether animals, humans, or even (so-called) inanimate objects. Everything shines if we look. It does. Even, or especially, when it rains. It feels like neither the words “personal” nor “impersonal” are quite right. Nor even the word “love.” It seems like it is more about just seei
ng what is really there, what is really happening, in every blessed moment.

  I continue to meditate, sit, rest, investigate, but with more spontaneity and curiosity now, and less of a sense of Damn! I just need to get there! It is wonderful just to look and see what is right here, right now. To see what is shining always, imperturbably, in and through the whole show.

  Thank you, Ilona! The work you guys do is so much appreciated. I hope to be able to return the gift soon.

  Deep Looking

  Are you at peace right now? If so, nice. If not, then let me introduce you to a very simple way to peace. I call this technique “Deep Looking.” It is a blend of different kinds of releasing techniques and is loosely based on the Sedona method (http://www.sedona.com/Home.asp) and Pamela Wilson’s way of talking to the heart and mind (http://pamelasatsang.com), which I witnessed at a couple of satsangs.

  First, before we start Deep Looking, I’d like you to notice again how the mind labels everything. Where focus goes, thinking follows. If you look to the left and notice what is there right now, watch what happens with thoughts—they label and describe the scene. They name shapes, colors, objects. Those labels may trigger a memory, so a little story may come up. Words flow when focus touches what is there. (When you see something clearly, you can describe what is seen.)

  Try This for Yourself Where focus goes, thinking follows.

  Bring focus to how you feel right now.

  Describe it in a few words for yourself.

  Notice words that label feelings arise when attention goes to the feelings.

  Just play a little and observe how it all works.

  It’s one thing to see that a separate self is an illusion, but it’s quite another to end the resisting of what is. It’s as if there are layers to awakening, one more subtle than the layer just peeled away. Seeing that no one is here doing, thinking, living a life of a separate entity does not automatically end all resistance. It’s not a one-hit-and-that’s-it, resistance-no-longer-arises kind of deal. All those little thoughts, beliefs, shoulds, emotional wounds, fears, habits, stories—the whole personality of the character—did not form in a day, so they do not usually collapse in a day either.

  If you look back at your life, there is a story. Some stories are sticky, some are vague, some trigger deep emotional pain—the pain that paralyzes and keeps one stuck in the same patterns. If you could release all this sad stuff, what would be left is pure joy of being and peace.

  When resistance ends, surrendering happens; both are actually the same movement, labeled from opposite viewpoints. Every little resistance released is surrendering in action. It’s a letting go, a falling off of old “parts of you,” of stuff that no longer serves and is no longer needed.

  Yes, So Be It

  So be it. Let all the stuff that no longer serves get deconstructed, uncreated, released, dissolved, melted away, and gone. Who needs those fear-laden patterns, right? So be it. Whatever happens in the process of releasing is okay.

  If fear comes up, it’s only here to show you that you are entering unexplored areas; it signals that something feels protected and does not want to be seen. Let that be okay as well.

  Welcoming

  It may feel silly or even funny, but welcoming everything that comes up is key. It’s very important. Kindness, openness, gentleness, compassion, softness, honesty, and love are door openers. When pushing stops, allowing begins. Welcoming is not a weakness but a most powerful, underrated tool in the mission of clearing the feeling of being stuck. But what good is the tool if it’s not being used?

  “Thank You” Is the Magic Phrase

  Thanking whatever shows up turns the feeling about it around. Resistance turns into acceptance. “Thanking” is the alchemy of feeling. It’s the main principle of Deep Looking. Welcoming, thanking, and giving space for the feeling to enfold you and be here opens the door for it to pass. You can bow in honor and hug and kiss the feeling, the mind, and the heart. The response to thanking is one of opening, of feeling appreciation, compassion, and love.

  Try thanking whatever is present right now, before reading further.

  Try This for Yourself Thank the heart and the mind, literally, for being beautiful and gorgeous.

  Give them both a warm hug and a smile.

  Tell them that you love them so much. Bow in honor and in appreciation.

  Say, “Thank you. I love you.”

  That’s it. If there is resistance, it’s fine. Thank the resistance for doing such a great job of protecting whatever needs to be protected. Give a hug to resistance, even if it sounds a bit crazy. Accepting resistance brings you a step closer to releasing it. After all, resistance is a friend.

  Listening Deeply to What the Mind and the Heart Have to Say

  The Deep Looking process is a conversation with whatever structure comes up to talk. When you turn focus inward, notice that there is a voice talking. This voice labels everything. Using this function of the mind, we can have a chat with the mind, heart, and body to see what they want.

  When we listen to how the mind and heart respond, we can take the next step, which is to ask another question that rises up from the previous answer. Whatever shows up in the answer is showing the way to go deeper. Craft another question from the previous answer.

  Talking to the mind may sound weird, but it’s no more weird than the conversations we sometimes have in our head with partners or parents, rehearsing what we might say or running old tapes.

  Talking to the mind is role play, a game; don’t take it too seriously. Doing so does not mean that there are entities called Mind or Heart that live inside the entity called Body. It only means that if you ask a question of the structure directly, you get a direct answer. Simple.

  Try This for Yourself Ask the mind if it’s at peace. Literally.

  “Mind, are you at peace?”

  It’s either yes or no.

  Wait for the answer.

  … … … …

  If yes, then thank the mind for the answer and ask the heart the same question.

  “Heart, are you at peace?”

  Wait for the answer, and if it comes as yes, then thank the heart too and enjoy the rest of the day.

  If no comes up, ask the mind/heart what it wants the most.

  You may write the answers down, as this helps to keep focus.

  … … … …

  After each answer give thanks and honor to the heart and the mind, or whatever you are talking to at that moment.

  … … … …

  Now ask the mind, what it wants the most. Wait for an answer, and listen closely. You may be surprised, so allow the answer to be heard, and acknowledge the heart’s or mind’s desire.

  Then ask what is in the way of having this now.

  When the answer comes, welcome it. Notice the feeling that accompanies it, and let that feeling be here for a minute. And just allow it to be as it is. You can talk to that feeling as well and ask it what it wants. Play with it and see what comes up, and keep listening and noticing bodily sensations.

  … … … …

  You may check in with the mind and heart:

  “Are you ready to relax?”

  If you get a yes, ask the next question:

  “Are you ready to relax now?”

  If both answers are yes, then just close your eyes and feel.

  Feel fully, without putting labels on what is felt.

  Just let the raw sensations enfold you, play out, and pass. Take your time with this exercise, and when it feels that all has passed, bring in more sensations, and feel them out, and then bring in some more. And even more. Keep at the process—welcoming, bringing up, feeling out—as long as it feels right. You might imagine that there is an open door in the area of the feeling; see how the feeling is moving through that door. Alternatively, just feel. In the end the feeling may be exhaustion, tiredness. That’s okay. This work requires a bit of concentration.

  When feelings like fear or resistance come up, talk to t
hem and ask what it is they are protecting. When you get an answer, ask the mind to look to see if it still needs to protect that, or if protection is no longer needed. If protection is no longer needed, you may ask if the feeling wants to leave. If it says yes, then feel it out as described above. If the answer is no, then ask what this feeling wants to tell you. Listen. Whatever the answer is, thank the feeling for the answer and focus on what comes up in the answer. This all may sound a bit complicated, but when you are there, in conversation, the questions and answers just play out by themselves.

  The only thing to keep an eye on is focus. Stay focused.

  Distraction (Again)

  The tricky thing is, if you are coming close to some strongly protected area of the heart, mind, or body, which feels like strong resistance, the defense mechanism ignites. It shows up as a sudden boredom, laziness (not wanting to carry on), sleepiness, dismissal, or blankness. The mind jumps to defense mode and either builds a wall or creates a distraction, or both.

  Distraction can come in many forms. You may suddenly feel that you have something else to do, or your focus goes to something completely unrelated, something that appears to be much more interesting. Distraction is a trick that the mind plays when something feels threatened. If you notice this happen, bring the focus back gently.

  Tell the mind that it is safe and that you are here only to help it get what it wants the most.

  Keep looking, keep welcoming, and focus on what else there is that wants to speak up.

  Often scenes from childhood come up: a little kid, a child version of you, who may feel unloved, abandoned, and wants to be heard. If hurt is still there, there is something unresolved that needs attention, processing, and acceptance.