Liberation Unleashed

by Ilona Ciunaite

How does that make you feel?

  Unbearable! It makes “me” want to kill myself!

  The pattern is here till it isn’t.

  Yeah, and probably it is meant not to change, so what’s the point?!

  Notice that there is something happening.

  This is precisely the most excruciating pain-causing point! Seems that for years I’m doing one kind or another of consciousness work. While there have been some, maybe minor, shifts for the better, as you can see from my writing, the entire structure is still mostly excruciatingly painful. Like my mom said a few days ago, more patience!

  Sorry, but I am not enjoying the ride! Actually, I hate it to the bottom! And besides all my best efforts, countless money and courses and books, I’m still hating it! Maybe even more, because nothing has really worked! This whole “life thing” rather feels like a huge and gigantic fraud! Like a very, very bad and mean and evil commercial for an adventure park that is advertised as being full of fun and love and laughter, and when you get there, it’s the house of terror!

  Life equals the most cruel thing!

  Sending love.

  Is this real love, or love disguised?!

  Ilona: Hi, Friederich. I sense a lot of anger in your last e-mail. Resistance is what life is? No, man! Resistance is what arises in life as part of life when we say no to what is happening. Either you say yes or no—but life goes on as it did. The difference is how we feel about it. You can hate or love, it’s still happening. I am repeating myself here, but I have to say it again. The only way out is through surrender.

  Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working, or to see the truth no matter what?

  Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings? If so, it’s not how it works. The freedom is to experience all, good, bad, and the ugly, without judgement that it’s wrong. The key is to realize that shoulds and should nots are the very things that make for a distorted view.

  Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through, all limitations.

  Write to me what you expect should be happening?

  What do you want to happen?

  What do you expect should change?

  Sending love.

  Friederich:

  The only way out is through surrender.

  And, what’s adding even more frustration is, at least in my experience, it doesn’t matter if I say yes or no because life keeps on being exactly the same! In a way, even saying yes to whatever appears to happen comes out of a wish for things to ease, to cool down—at least as far as possible—the heat since late ’99. I have come to see that only through unconditional love can suffering end. But, no success regarding being able to love unconditionally. It only adds more anger and frustration to what already is. So then, can I at least let go of trying to unconditionally love? No! Not a chance! Can I at least just let go of the whole thing and stop adding any layers to it through thinking? No! Not a chance! It all seems to happen automatically—even trying to accept or plainly reject.

  Can I ask you, what is your motive for this investigation? To fix something that is not working, or to see the truth no matter what?

  “Truth” seems to be too fancy a word. I do want peace and serenity, no matter what, to be at ease, no matter what.

  Are you looking for freedom from unwanted feelings?

  Yes! This is exactly what I want! Well then, what’s the point in investigating?! So the anger is okay, the hatred is okay, the disability is okay, the hell is okay? So why do this investigation? Oh, okay! This investigation is also just what is happening, and it doesn’t have to lead to liberation or whatever we want to call it! It doesn’t matter what we do or not do; except when it does, and then something appears to change because of what apparently has been done or not, but that’s just another story!

  Unconditional love knows no conditions and it will break through, burn through, all limitations.

  You see? There you put the carrot again right in front of me! So then, I truly want unconditional love with all my heart—unconditional love! Because, if there is one thing I want over all others, it is this: to break through all limitations! I mean: If I am able to love whatever is, there can’t be any suffering at all!

  Write to me what you expect should be happening.

  What do you want to happen?

  What do you expect should change?

  What I want to happen is a true opening to unconditional love! What I don’t want happening is to keep all this hatred and fear and anger going on! I want the misery to end! Once and for all! I’m working on this now for over fourteen years! It’s about time!

  Thank you, Ilona.

  And, Ilona, I experience these experiences of going down into hell periodically—about every two weeks. They are always very intense, like I can’t handle this anymore! Take me out, please, please, please! I never, ever, sensed that, no matter what I did, even if it was just “watching” the whole scenery unfolding, did it help the nightmare pass. It all seems to pass by itself.

  Ilona: Yes, dear Friederich, it comes up and passes all by itself. Many traditions have a good mantra—“This too shall pass”—and that is useful sometimes.

  Peace is always here, underneath all thinking. Suffering is story, made up of thoughts of what should be different.

  Can you notice that?

  Have a look, is physical pain and suffering the same?

  What is in the way of feeling love now?

  Friederich: Yes, some things pass, and some not. Hopefully, with death, everything has passed.

  Yes, peace is always here, it’s just that, very often, identification with thoughts happens to be so strong that nothing else seems possible to be here.

  No, I most often sense physical pain, and it doesn’t bother me, hence, no suffering! Suffering = story.

  What is in the way of feeling love now?

  Thinking, and physical noise! I know that that is a lie also, but I have no clue about how to feel love—even with no physical noise! Thank you, Ilona.

  Ilona: Yes! Suffering is a story about suffering. And that story is believed, so it creates self-feeding loops to strengthen the story and triggers more feeling.

  We can have a session of Deep Looking if you like. It seems to help to get to the root of the resistance mechanisms and release old patterns. It takes around an hour or more.

  Friederich: Yes, I would love that!

  Ilona: Sorry for the temporary disappearance, all the Christmas things got in the way of my correspondences.

  We can have a session, but not today, as we have guests coming. Tomorrow would be perfect. Let me know what times are good for you. You will need an hour or two of undisturbed time. Do you know how to use any of the online chat formats? Warm regards.

  Friederich: Did Santa take you for a ride?! LOL! It’s all good. Tomorrow would be perfect.

  Some time after the Deep Looking session…

  Friederich: Hi Ilona! I’m doing fine, thank you for asking!

  I had my, so far, “usual” weekend visit to hell, but the coming out of it was quick and rather easy, and the opening to more of what is, is even bigger! How does it get any better than this?

  Since the session review, it seems way easier to be clear that thoughts showing up are just that: thoughts showing up, like crazy ghosts, flirting for my attention. It has become easier and easier to just watch them, and recognize that they are just what is showing up, but there is no need to hold them for the truth—there is no need to follow them, and believe them! Thank you! All the truly best to you.

  Ilona: That is so great to hear! Looks like the door to acceptance has been opened. Yes, intense emotions come up, but pass quickly; this too is my experience. They don’t stick for long and are welcomed to pass through.

  Awesome. Now we can carry on looking; is I-thought any different? Is there something in experience that I-thought points to? Sending love.

  Friederich: I wouldn’t speak of an �
��I,” but rather of an Is-ness/presence, and “I” is just used to refer to it. Thank you for your love! I’m happy that you are love! Thank you!

  Oh, I noticed that I resent almost everyone and everything, also a huge amount of envy! Unfairness! So, I started just to wish and imagine all those people I resented to be truly, truly happy in the way they most likely would wish it. It has been and is a truly amazing, heart-opening experience! To say the least! Thank you for knowing me.

  Ilona: Wow, that is quite a turnaround, isn’t it?

  Can you say that it’s clear, that separate entity “I” is an illusion?

  Is presence the doer and thinker?

  Is there a doer and thinker, a decision maker?

  How would you answer that?

  Friederich: Yes, it just does appear as if there is a separate entity! Thinking and doing, again, just happens.

  Is there a doer and thinker, a decision maker?

  No, it all just happens, and as this is happening, an illusory decision maker can also appear, but is seen, in the end, just as an appearance (very convincing though).

  Ilona: Can you say that you are ready for the final questions, or is there still something we can look at before you are comfortable to say a big yes?

  Friederich: LOL! If I would know what this “final question” is, I would be able to answer your question about me being ready, with absolute certainty. But, I’m sure ready for whatever questions you have for me. Is that okay with you? Sending love also! And fun!

  Ilona: Ha ha, sweet! Here they are. Please answer in full, when ready, what feels true.

  Much love. Have fun with this.

  Friederich:

  1. Is there a separate entity “self,” “me,” “I” at all, anywhere, in any way, shape, or form? Was there ever?

  There are clouds in the sky, and at some time back, the sky seemed to identify itself with one of those clouds, and, may I say, an ever-changing cloud. Now it is seen that there is only sky with clouds (thoughts, ideas, emotions, sensations, smells, tastes, and so forth) appearing, out of nowhere, and disappearing, to nowhere.

  2. Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts, and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

  When it starts? No idea! Supposedly, at the age of two to three years, but no memory of this at present. What is it? The way it is seen here is that, for whatever reason, awareness (the sky) attaches and identifies itself to/with an I-thought, together with a bunch of other thoughts (gender, family, nation, body, skills, defects, and so forth) and, somehow, convinces itself that it is all those attributes. It’s like taking on a role, and so fully identifying itself with that role, that it really is able to convince itself that it is this character, while completely forgetting that all this is just brilliant and awesome appearances. This character, oftentimes, also tends to identify itself with other appearances, like houses, cars, tech toys, gadgets, and whatever objects are appearing in this awareness.

  3. How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.

  It actually feels very light and joyful. Before I could more clearly see this, there was an intellectual understanding. The identification with all the stuff going on was still very strong. Now it has lessened, although, at times, there still is a little tendency to identify with “heavy” stuff going on, but it is rather quickly seen as just “ghosts.” There is also a tendency to enjoy more whatever is going on, even in what had previously been judged as harsh events/circumstances—laughter and a joyful playing attitude are more present.

  4. What was the last bit that pushed you over? What made you look?

  Funny enough, it was actually (last Sunday) a Skype “clearing session” with a non-duality teacher—the funny thing was that I was letting it rip, venting all my venom, and he wanted to guide me to see, but, for whatever reason, I just felt it right to put it all out! After that, it was clearly seen that this was just a storm in a water glass and… so what!

  5. Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.

  There is still, at times, a “pushing” towards certain things getting done, so I just go with that, while at the same time being clearer and clearer that this is just a “movement,” nothing personal. I observe that I have become more thoughtful, honest, outgoing, while at the same time more accepting and loving of what is—hence, other characters may judge me as more self-assertive, more powerful, more going for what I want, but actually, it’s all just unhindered movement. So, yes, it may appear that I would “control” more, but in fact, it’s all just movement, completely appearing by itself, out of nowhere, and disappearing into nowhere.

  6. Anything to add?

  Another interesting thing is that there seems to be a greater certainty that this body actually will walk again, like an inner knowing, as well as the openness for those things the character wanted so badly before. But there is almost no attachment to them. It’s more like “Mmh—who knows! That may actually be fun! Why not? And if not, fun and joy and laughter is anyway present!” Feels like freedom! Much appreciation! Especially for believing in me, for holding The Truth up for me!

  And, yes! I had fun with this!

  Ilona: Hi Friederich. Thank you for the answers. I can see that there is more lightness. Something changed, sweet. :)

  But…

  More to look at.

  Is it awareness that identifies?

  What is awareness?

  What does it do?

  Are you awareness?

  (It is common to assume the position of “I am awareness,” but that is not clear seeing; there is further deconstruction to do.)

  Your answer to question one is not direct; can you try again, please, without metaphors?

  What is “I” that goes with movement?

  Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not?

  Are there separate selves in other characters?

  How are these other characters experienced in actuality?

  I see you are very close! Keep going further! Sending love.

  Friederich: No, it is the awareness that identifies. Awareness is, awareness is noticing. No, I am not. Awareness is. (No “I am awareness.”)

  Your answer to question one is not direct; can you try again, please, without metaphors?

  Oooooh…and I thought I had a poetic inspiration. LOL! No, it just appeared that there was one, there was a belief, but it only was a belief, appearing to no one.

  What is the “I” that goes with movement?

  Is there a choice to go with movement of life or not?

  Movement also just is. There can also be resistance to movement or just noticing movement. There can be another thought popping up of “just letting it be,” a sudden thought that “resisting” hurts, letting it be equals peaceful/joyful, and this is also just noticed, by no one.

  Are there separate selves in other characters?

  How are these other characters experienced in actuality?

  No: “They” are also just appearances; they are movements playing out. They are apparent interactions happening spontaneously; it’s all just noticing, by no one.

  I see you are very close! Keep going further!

  “Who” is seeing “who” to be very close? Lol! Love!

  Ilona: Mmm, delightful! Thank you for very clear answers.

  Yeah, there is no “who.”

  Resistance to movement is another form of movement that arises and passes, just like everything else. Movement of thought is included.

  How are you feeling these days?

  Any doubt? Anything different?

  If you look back at the start of this conversation, what is the most noticeable change?

  What hasn’t changed that you expected would change?

  Sending a hug.

  Friederich: Thank you, Ilona! Well, I’m feeling pretty m
uch at ease most of the time, even joyful, for no reason. Much more relaxed about everything, even the so-called future (what will be, will be). Much more accepting of what is, including so-called others. If there isn’t accepting, that’s okay also because it is seen that this is also just a passing thought/emotion with less importance, except there is importance (lol), which just is accepted also. More “alertness”/“sharpness” and presence, except when there isn’t, which is okay also.

  No, no doubts at all (“strange,” I didn’t even notice this until you brought it up).

  What is the most noticeable change?

  For sure, the much more relaxed attitude towards life in general, “my own personality” (lol) or “way of being” of this character. Much more joy, without any reason, and much less worrying. Interestingly enough, it has also become much easier to speak my mind, to say no, as well as yes, which makes life, of course, much easier. It is more a surfing life’s waves instead of fighting them and resisting them, more trust in the goodness of life.

  What hasn’t changed that you expected would change?

  Still what is perceived as annoying noises—dog barking, children shouting, loud music (except my own, lol)—is arising and there is strong anger, with a felt painful body reaction. Still, no genius, and the girls are not waiting in line for me (just kidding). Oh! And no official notification that “I” am now an Officially Certified Enlightened Being, and that everybody, and life in general, would treat me with the respect due to that! (Not even animals seems to notice this—too bad!)