Lost in You

by Lexi Blake

  “I can’t talk about my work in the past. It’s classified.” Her gut was in knots. He knew and he was definitely angry about it. “You have to understand.”

  “I understand that I’m an open book and you haven’t bothered to tell me the basic truths about yourself. We wasted a lot of time. I pushed you away because I thought you were far too delicate for me. If I’d known you were some kind of super assassin, I would have hopped into bed with you the first day. Tell me something—all this time have you used my attraction to you to control me? I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’m the leader. The men tend to do what I tell them to do. It wouldn’t be a bad play to keep me on your leash.”

  Anger rose. He was the one manipulating things now. “No. I didn’t sleep with you so I could control you. I was an assassin not a whore.”

  He paled and his next words weren’t as solid as the accusations from before. “I didn’t call you that. I didn’t…god, I didn’t mean to do any of this. I’m so angry with you and yet I meant what I said. I would run away with you right now. I would do it without taking anything with us. I want you.”

  “And I want you, but, baby, you have to remember what happened with Theo and Erin.” Her anger had fled in an instant and she was all tears and heartache again. “He didn’t want her and then he remembered how much he loved her. What if he’d found a woman and she came between them? That wouldn’t have been fair. Not to anyone concerned. I’ve seen this happen before.”

  He shook his head. “No, you haven’t. You might have heard about it, but I watched it up close. It is not the same. Theo was attracted to Erin the minute he saw her. No matter what McDonald did to him, he still dreamed about Erin. He might not have remembered her name, but he remembered how he felt about her. He saw her in a bar and wanted her immediately. I do not want that woman. I’m not attracted to her. God, I’m vaguely repulsed by her and I can’t figure out why.”

  “Robert!”

  She gasped and turned because that had been Ezra’s voice biting out the command. Robert’s face had fallen and he stepped back. Ariel turned and it was worse than just Ezra standing there. Emily was at his side, a hand over her mouth.

  “I’m sorry, Ms. Seeger, you shouldn’t have had to hear that,” Robert said.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t have said it,” Ezra shot back.

  Robert shook his head. “No. I’m not a piece of meat to get tossed around. Look, I understand that everyone wants me to take one look at a complete stranger and get my life back. I was supposed to run to her and have my soul magically healed, but that’s the thing. The healing already happened. I’m in love with Ariel. I’m not going to fall out of love with Ariel. Although I might walk away because she’s been lying to me, and that means you have too, Ezra. So maybe I should think about this for a while. Or maybe I’ll just go drink. Enjoy the debrief. I don’t think I’m needed there.”

  He turned and walked down the hallway.

  “I think I need a moment. Please thank Peter for the lovely room. It’s very comfortable. And Dante was quite the gentleman.” Emily turned and moved toward her room at the end of the hall.

  Ariel’s stomach churned. She’d hoped Emily wouldn’t find out about her connection to Robert. Maybe it was cowardly of her, but if Robert eventually went back to Emily, Ariel wanted to have a spot of dignity left. That plan hadn’t worked, but then none of her plans seemed to work out lately.

  Ezra stepped up, his blue eyes staring down at her with sympathy. “Are you all right?”

  She had to force down her pain, focus on the job. “Levi apparently paid a visit to Robert. He knows about my work with MI6. I’m sure Levi sent him whatever files he has on me, so Rob is probably finding out exactly how bloody my hands are right now.”

  Ezra looked down the hallway the direction Robert had gone. “I can stop that.”

  She put a hand on his arm. “Taking those files away would only make things worse at this point. Who knows. Perhaps him knowing who I used to be will change his opinions of me. Maybe he’ll be more open to giving his wife a chance.”

  “Or maybe he knows what he wants,” Ezra replied, his voice softer. “I only heard the end of it, but I think I got the gist. The two of you finally took the plunge and then his wife shows up and you stepped back. Are you sure you want to do that? You love him. Everyone knows that.”

  She loved him so much it hurt, and now it felt so wrong that she hadn’t told him, that she might go to her grave never having said the words to him. “It doesn’t matter now. He’s not in a position to make this decision. Unless you found out her story is complete rubbish.”

  “I wish I could tell you that, but she checks out. Once we knew where to look it was easy to find her pictures of him. Now according to all records, Russell Seeger doesn’t exist, but we know McDonald always did a hell of a job getting rid of a person. They were particularly thorough with Robert.”

  “Why? Why not report him as killed in action and let it be?”

  “I think by then she realized what could happen if he showed up on a camera somewhere,” Ezra explained. “She talks in her diary about being more careful with her subjects, especially the ones she thought she would be able to put out on the streets. You know she had several teams she used to rob banks to fund her after she fled from Kronberg.”

  Which was precisely why several of them still had warrants out for their arrests. “Yes, I suppose she was an excellent tactician. What did you think of her? Emily, I mean.”

  Ezra sighed as though he didn’t want to leave the personal talk, but he seemed to accept the inevitable. He turned and walked to the kitchen. “I think she’s upset and off balance, but I would expect that from a woman whose husband came back from the dead.”

  She followed him, more than willing to get out of the hallway. “Yes, I imagine it was quite a shock, and then he wasn’t happy to see her.”

  Ezra strode to the fridge and pulled out two beers, offering her one. “He wasn’t happy because he knew how you would react. I think you both need to take a deep breath. We know she is who she says she is. We don’t know that their marriage was happy. We don’t know that Robert will ever get his memory back and want to fly away with her. We need more time. We need to get boots on the ground and ask some questions.”

  She took the beer and twisted the cap off. She didn’t even think about refusing it. She settled into the chair across the table from Ezra. What would she do if she wasn’t involved with Robert? If this was Tucker or Dante’s wife, how would she handle it? “We should talk to people who might have known them, get a feel for what Russell Seeger was like.”

  “Was being the most important part of that sentence.” Ezra sat back. “He is not the same person. None of them are the people they used to be. I think you two need to cool off and then sit down and talk. Now tell me why you’re okay with him reading whatever bullshit Levi gave to him. Also, why I don’t ship his ass back for meeting with Levi and not bothering to mention it until later. He should have immediately reported in and given us a chance to take the man down.”

  “I think shipping him back like a naughty toddler would do a lot of damage.”

  “He deviated from protocol and we’re looking for a traitor.”

  “The group is in a very tenuous state.” She had a lot to tell him, and he wouldn’t react well to most of it. “I think if we push them too hard right now, they’ll break. I told you they would only be able to stay in this state for so long.”

  “Who’s having trouble?” Ezra asked. “Because Jax seems perfectly happy. Owen got emotional after he went to Scotland with Rebecca that weekend, but I thought that was a good thing.”

  Owen had taken his girlfriend to his old home and finally faced his past. “It was healing for him. Jax and Owen are balanced by their partners. Robert was balanced by his position in the group. Leading the men has given him grounding, a grounding I’m worried he’s going to lose if the group splits.”

  “I think he’ll lose it if you walk a
way from him.”

  She couldn’t let this get back to her screwed up personal life. “I’m going nowhere. Ezra, this is serious. Tucker hasn’t been stable since Rebecca positively identified him as Steven Reasor. And Dante and Sasha have started to question whether or not we’re taking the best course of action.”

  Ezra’s brows rose. “Well if Dante and Sasha want to leave, the door is open. It might solve a whole lot of our problems.”

  Because like Ian, he thought one of them was the traitor. “I think any of the lads leaving would harm the group.”

  “And if one of them is talking to Levi Green?”

  “I think that could be devastating to them all.” She hated to even think about what morale would be like if one of the Lost Boys turned out to have betrayed the group. “They know we’ve kept things from them.”

  “Things they didn’t need to know,” Ezra argued. “You know why I asked you to keep your prior work from them. You weren’t burned by your group. You’re still friendly with them, and Robert and the others have a whole lot of reasons to be wary of any intelligence agency. It’s why I agree with Damon about not telling them we’ve cooperated with several agencies. It’s the only thing that’s kept us all safe. Levi hasn’t raided The Garden because we’ve kept certain parts of the Agency fed.”

  “I think they’ll understand our reasoning. Keeping it from them is far worse.” There was more to the story. “And you should know I met with Kim earlier today.”

  Just like that all of Ezra’s casualness was gone. His every muscle seemed to tense and his eyes focused in. “I knew she was in town. She called you again?”

  This was the bad part of Ezra being here. He couldn’t be reasonable about his ex-wife. “No, I called her. I wanted her input on Emily Seeger. You know she’s got better contacts than anyone else. She can get us information not even Big Tag can.”

  “If she’s telling us the truth and she’s not simply trying to beat out her boyfriend to get to the prize. She always was competitive that way.”

  “I’m not Damon, Ezra. I know he puts up with your prejudice against her. And I’m not in a good mood. I know Kim. You can’t get away with that shite with me. If you don’t want to work with her, maybe you should go back to England and send Damon down. Believe me, I’m considering benching myself after today’s revelations. I’m wondering how fast we can get Kai here. Or Eve McKay. I don’t need your jealousy further endangering these men.”

  For a second she thought she’d pushed him too far. His jaw tightened and she could see the way his hands fisted. But then he relaxed, sitting back and taking a deep breath. “I’m not good when it comes to Solo. I’m still…how can it be so raw after all these years?”

  “Because you still love her. It doesn’t do you any good to fool yourself because you’re literally the only one who believes it.”

  He was quiet for a moment. “You don’t think she’s working with Levi?”

  It took everything she had not to roll her eyes, but at least he was asking the question. “I think she hates the man. I believe her when she says she made a mistake. I believe her when she says she was drunk and depressed over the divorce. She’s not dating him.”

  “He always wanted her.”

  “And he took advantage of her. Ezra, have you ever considered that? She was vulnerable and he moved in on her.”

  “She shouldn’t have been drinking. I’m sorry. I don’t mean that. I hate myself for even thinking that. God, I don’t like who I am around her.” He took a deep breath and schooled his expression to something like professionalism. “I know what the boss thinks. Do you believe she’s working for the president?”

  “I do. I think she’s on our side. If we can get the right data, the president can clean up the Agency. If you want to take down Levi Green, Kim is your best shot.”

  He took a long swig of beer. “How is she doing?”

  He’d never asked the question before. Not once. Even after she’d been shot, he’d ignored her. “She’s good. She’s…she’s Kim. She offered to handle Emily for me.”

  Ezra snorted. “I can imagine. Do I need to get the woman a bulletproof vest?”

  “You should know she told me she’s planning on taking out Levi.”

  A grave look came over his face. “We’ll see about that. Does she want to come in?”

  “I think so, but she’s worried if she hasn’t got solid proof of what she’s looking for, you’ll throw her out.”

  Ezra growled, a sound of deep frustration. “She can come in, but she can’t stay here. She can talk to the men if she wants to, but she can’t sleep here.”

  And why was that? Did the great and mighty Ezra Fain think he couldn’t control himself if his luscious ex-wife was underfoot? “I think she’ll be fine with that. If I know her, she’s probably in a much nicer place than this. I’ll give her a call.”

  He nodded. “Do it tonight and we’ll bring her in tomorrow morning. We need to figure out what our play is. We’ll hold the debrief then. I don’t think I can face her until I’ve had some sleep.” He stood and finished off his beer, dropping the bottle in the recycling bin. “And I don’t think you should give up on Robert. I think you distancing is more about your fear than wanting to save his marriage.”

  She didn’t want to save his marriage at all. She wished his marriage didn’t exist. “I’ll think about it.”

  It would be all she would be able to think about.

  She reached for her mobile and dialed Kim’s number. At least she could make one person happy today.

  Chapter Twelve

  Robert stared at the Scotch in front of him. It was late and he should go to bed, but he couldn’t quite make himself get off the couch. He could hear the thud of music from downstairs, but he wouldn’t be going down to the club either. He would have. If his world hadn’t gotten turned upside down he would have been downstairs with Ariel sitting on his lap as they watched the scenes. He would have felt the anticipation of playing out their own.

  He wouldn’t feel this emptiness, the utter hollowness that came from knowing she hadn’t walked away with him. It was funny. He’d read the file Green had given him. He’d gone through all the surveillance shots of Ariel meeting with Solo. It hadn’t had the effect he was sure Green had hoped for. Those shots of her in the park had contained a few where he’d been able to see the pain on her face. In that moment she hadn’t been a ruthless operative, conspiring with another. She’d been a woman in pain, confessing to her friend.

  He didn’t even question it. She’d been talking about him, about the fact that their relationship was threatened.

  And the rest of it? He didn’t even fucking care. She’d identified threats, some of the worst of the worst, and she’d taken them out when the legal system couldn’t. He didn’t care that she’d killed some terrorists, a couple of cartel heads, a dictator who practiced genocide. As he’d read about her skill, he’d kind of wished someone had sicced her on McDonald. He’d had a brief fantasy of Ariel being the one who’d come for him that day. She would have brutally murdered Hope McDonald and in all the chaos, the smoke would part and he would see her. She would have been a vengeful goddess until she caught sight of him. Their eyes would lock and she would fight her way to him. She would carry him out of that lab like he was payment for all her hard work.

  Yeah, he’d had a lot of Scotch.

  He heard the floor squeak and sighed. They’d all come in to talk to him. Tucker had offered to sit with him. Sasha had wanted to talk about what had happened with Levi Green. Owen and Rebecca tried to get him to eat dinner. Even Dante had come in. He’d talked about spending time with Emily and how it must be nice to have a lovely wife.

  He didn’t want to deal with any of them.

  “Well, you always did like Scotch,” a feminine voice said. Emily walked around the couch and picked up the bottle, noting the label. “Though you’re drinking a better brand now.”

  Damn it. He forced himself to sit up straight. She was t
he last person on earth he wanted to see, but he’d been quite cruel to her earlier. “I’m not the one buying it. My bosses have high standards.”

  “You work for Ian Taggart and Damon Knight,” she said, sitting on the chair across from him. “I talked to Dante this afternoon. He explained about your job. Well, he said mostly your job has been trying to figure out who you all are and what exactly was done to you. I need you to understand that I plan on telling you everything I know. I’ll help in any way I can.”

  “Thank you for that.” He was so uncomfortable with her. Shouldn’t he feel something for a woman he’d married? “I’m sorry for what you overheard earlier.”

  “But you weren’t sorry for saying it.”

  “No. It’s how I feel. I can’t even wish I felt differently.”

  “You’re in love with the doctor. She’s stunning. I can see why you would fall for her.”

  Ariel was more than a gorgeous body and beautiful face. “She’s one of the kindest women I’ve ever known.”

  “In my defense, you haven’t known many. You’re kind of a toddler, and a sheltered one at that.”

  He should have been offended but he laughed because it was pretty much bang-on true. “Yeah, that has been pointed out to me on occasion. By more than one person. You want a drink?”

  It was the least he could do. He didn’t know if she did drink but she probably needed one after the day they’d been through.

  “Yeah. I’m usually more of a vodka girl, but you don’t remember that.” She gave him a half smile as he poured her a few fingers of the eighteen-year old Scotch. “It’s so weird to think that you have no idea who I am. Most of my adult life you were the one who knew me best. I’m really sorry for what you’ve been through. It must have been terrible.”

  Terrible didn’t begin to cover it. He passed her the glass and sat back. He didn’t want to talk about that part of his life. “It’s over.”