Lost in You

by Lexi Blake

  Rebecca should be cuddled up with Owen. She shouldn’t be…he didn’t even know where she was.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can. Let me know if Dante or Green make contact,” Tag said. “And Rob, Tucker, I’m sorry about Sasha. Please tell Owen that we won’t stop until we get Rebecca back.” Tag reached out and the screen went dark.

  Damon nodded. “And I’ll be waiting here for you. We’ll put every resource we have on solving this problem. See you soon.”

  Ezra stood. “Rob, I assume you’re going to go talk to Ariel. Tucker, can you sit with Owen until he wakes up and explain what’s going on? Big Tag will be here soon and all he has to do is stay calm.”

  Tucker nodded. “Of course.”

  This was where none of them was thinking. He and Tucker would never leave Owen here alone. They were all considering Owen one of theirs since he’d originally been a McKay-Taggart member, but the minute Owen had taken that damn needle of McDonald’s, he’d become a Lost Boy.

  And they did not leave each other behind.

  “Beck, I need to talk to you,” Solo said. “I’ve got to call in and I need to go over what you want my bosses to know and what you don’t.”

  Ezra looked surprised.

  Solo rolled her eyes. “I told you I’m always on your side. We’ll talk and then I have a body to dispose of. I’m going to make sure no one ever finds that bitch.”

  “I’ll help you,” Ezra promised.

  They walked out, talking quietly.

  And he was left alone with Tucker. “When will Owen be awake?”

  “In an hour or two.” Tucker looked to the door. “Are we on? What did that fucker say?”

  He’d gotten the text from Dante right before the conference call with Big Tag and Damon. “Dawn tomorrow by the Chinese Tower in the Englischer Garten. I’ve figured out where that is. It’s not far from here.”

  “But we won’t get there, will we? That’s all one big lie. He’ll be there at Kronberg,” Tucker said. “He’ll show up with Levi Green and try to take it all.”

  “And we’ll be ready.” They had to be.

  “We’ll be outgunned.”

  “Our other option is to turn it all over to Ezra,” Robert offered, though it wasn’t an option for him. “That means the Agency gets involved. No matter what Solo says, if the Agency is involved there’s a chance she gets overruled and the Agency takes whatever we find. They could let Rebecca rot in order to get that data and beat whatever faction Levi’s working for. There’s a war going on in the CIA and we can’t let Rebecca be a casualty.”

  It was what he’d realized after he’d come down from his fear. They couldn’t leave this to anyone else. They couldn’t let Tag and Damon take the responsibility. This was up to him and his men.

  That was when he’d started planning.

  “I’ll sit with Owen.” Tucker stood, looking perfectly resolved. “I’ll explain it all to him when he wakes up. He’ll be ready to go. I’ll make sure of it. And the rest?”

  “I’ve got it. I promise. I won’t let you down again.”

  Tucker stood in front of him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve never once let me down. From the time I met you, I knew I could trust you. I knew… I don’t know why, but I knew you. Let’s get this done and get Rebecca back.”

  “They might never trust us again,” Robert warned. “We might get that data and really have to turn it over to get her back. We might not be welcome at The Garden again.”

  Tucker grinned. “Then we’ll figure it out. We’ll go to Bliss and hide out. They’ll take us in. Jax is family. I’ll find some weird dude who hunts sasquatches for a living, become best friends, and we’ll find a wife to share. Hopefully not a sasquatch wife. But it won’t come to that because I think Big Tag will yell and scream and threaten to do things to our entrails, and then he’ll understand. Because he’s family, too, and that’s what family does. But if it goes bad, we’re with you, Rob. Now go and spend some time with Ari. Make sure she comes with us if everything goes to hell.”

  Tucker walked out. Robert looked toward Ariel’s bedroom door. She wouldn’t be going with them.

  But he would have one last night with her.

  * * * *

  Ariel stared at herself in the mirror through the mist that filled the bathroom. She recognized the face, but there was something older about the look in her eyes. Not even a hot shower seemed to have washed her clean. How could she go back to The Garden and take her place there again? After everything that had happened, how could she pretend she knew what she was doing?

  She should never have left MI6. She was good at shooting people from a distance and getting away with it. Not so great at her actual job.

  She would go home, make her report to Damon, and then…

  Deep down she knew she needed time. She should take a couple of weeks and let it settle, but what she wanted to do was run. It wasn’t even running. It was punishment.

  There was a knock on the door and she sighed. Kim. Or Robert. She rather hoped it was Kim because she wasn’t sure what she could say to Rob now. There was a part of her that hoped he was so angry he couldn’t deal with her. She slipped into her robe and went to answer the door because if it was Kim, she wouldn’t simply walk away if no one answered. Kim would break the door down and get the answers she wanted.

  I’m fine. Still in shock but fine.

  That was what she would say. She would nod and listen to everything Kim told her and ease her friend’s mind. When she was alone again she could go back over all the ways she’d fucked up and cost several people their lives today.

  Tomorrow she would get on the plane beside Robert and try to explain to him how sorry she was.

  She opened the door and he was standing there, leaning on the doorjamb, his kit in his hand.

  Her heart threatened to stop. He was safety and comfort wrapped in a gorgeous masculine package, but she didn’t deserve him. After what she’d allowed to happen, she didn’t deserve any of this.

  “Rob, I…”

  He brushed past her, walking into her room. “Take off that robe and find your position.”

  The impulse to obey him was almost overwhelming. She could throw off her robe, kneel before him, and let him take control. Nothing else would matter but pleasing him and finding her own release. She could forget about the fact that Sasha was dead and Peter was gone. She wouldn’t have to think about what Rebecca was possibly going through or how tormented Owen was.

  But those things weren’t going away.

  “I think we should talk.” She needed to clear the air with him. No matter how she felt about herself, no matter what guilt weighed her down, she wasn’t about to allow him to use her for some kind of revenge fuck.

  He dropped his kit on her bed and strode back to her. He very gently eased her hand off the door and shut them inside. “And I think you will say all the wrong things.”

  “Yes, I seem to do that quite a lot lately.” She stared up at him. His shoulders were stiff but there wasn’t a hint of anger in his eyes. “I need to apologize.”

  He moved in close, bringing his face to loom over hers. “For following orders?”

  “For lying. I lied to you.”

  “And still I love you.”

  Oh, this was worse. Tears pulsed behind her eyes, making the world blurry. She shook her head, unable to form words.

  “That’s better,” he said, his hand brushing the line of her jaw. “Don’t say anything. Just cry for me. You need to let all this poison out of your system. You did not cause what happened today.”

  “I was Dante’s therapist all this time.”

  “And you knew something was wrong with him,” Robert said quietly.

  “You’re not listening to me.”

  “No, you’re not listening to me. And I don’t think we can move forward with this conversation unless you do as I asked you to.” He leaned over and kissed the bridge of her nose. “Do you really want to leave it like this? Us? D
o you want to end this horrible day with me in another room thinking about you and you in here alone?”

  No. She didn’t. “Rob, I killed your wife today.”

  His lips curved in the most decadent and malicious smirk. “Yes, and I haven’t thanked you for that.” He sobered and dropped his forehead to hers, his eyes closing. “Damn it, Ari. I was so fucking scared that she was going to kill you. I wouldn’t have been…I never want to go through that again. I know you think I’m angry, but I could kiss every single person who taught you, every mentor you had who turned you into a badass assassin because what happened today turns out differently if they hadn’t.”

  “I am everything that report says.” She wasn’t sure what Robert had read, but the truth was bad enough.

  “You’re everything and more. And still I love you.” He stepped back. “Should I stay or leave you to yourself tonight?”

  The Dom was in the house. It was there in the polite tone of voice he used, the one that let her know she was in charge of making the decision, but that would change if she said yes. If she asked him to stay, he would take control. He would take command of her body, and he wouldn’t stop until they both had what they needed.

  She knew she shouldn’t, but he’d said the words she’d wanted to hear forever. I love you.

  She moved to the center of the room. Maybe they did need this. She let the robe drop and she was naked in front of him. Ariel took a deep breath and fell to her knees, the carpet softening the blow. She’d taken a lot from him today. She’d taken the chance to get to know anything about his past. In her logical mind she understood that it had been her or Emily. Taking out a dangerous threat was something she’d done a hundred times before, but this threat had been important to Robert. This threat had held the keys to his past, and Ariel had taken it all away from him.

  A big hand palmed her head. “I’m so glad you made the right choice.”

  “You might not after I tell you what I’m going to do.” She had to be honest with him about everything now.

  “You’re going to quit,” he said simply. “You have got it in your head that you fucked up, that you missed something and that’s why Sasha’s dead. I’ve spent all day thinking about this. Why should you have known him better than me?”

  “I was his therapist.” She’d been hired to help the men McDonald had tortured. She’d also been expected to identify whether or not one of them could be a threat.

  “And Dante was an accomplished liar. He was excellent at his job. Tucker and Jax and Sasha lived with him for years and they never suspected.”

  “Well, if they had suspected, McDonald simply erased their minds. You can’t compare the two,” she pointed out.

  His eyes narrowed. “I think you should get on your hands and knees. You’re not listening to me.”

  “You think you can spank your will into me?”

  “I think I can spank you until you finally cry and then maybe we’ll get through this. Tell me you don’t need it. If you don’t, I’ll be more than happy to spend the night holding you and kissing you and loving you.”

  But he was right. She needed something more. She leaned forward, getting on her hands and knees. She locked her elbows and braced herself, the muscles of her legs tight and tense. That would make the spanking hurt more, get her more quickly to the place she needed to be.

  Robert hunkered down next to her, eyes running over her face. “Ari, you need to let go.”

  “I am.” She shook her head. That was wrong. “I mean I will be, once you start spanking me.”

  Robert rose and walked to the bed, sitting on the side. “Come here.”

  It wasn’t the voice of her Dom, but of her lover, and she shook her head. “Please, I want the spanking.”

  She wanted to feel his hand smacking her. It might be the only connection she could handle right now. Her emotions were dangerously close to overload. It was precisely why she’d isolated herself these last few hours. She knew damn well Ezra and Solo were taking on the bulk of the burden of cleaning up her mess, but she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t lose it if she had to look at the faces of the others.

  “You’ll get your spanking when I’m ready to give it to you.” The words were hard with command, and she sucked in a breath.

  She pushed to her feet and walked over to the bed, keenly aware of being naked. She had no problem with nudity, but this wasn’t merely about her lack of clothing. She felt emotionally naked too. After the day she’d had, she had no more masks to put on. Sorrow and guilt hung on her and they gave her no cover.

  “I missed you today.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think I can do this right now.”

  He didn’t move, merely sat watching her. “I thought you wanted to talk.”

  “We need to.” She couldn’t take her eyes off his, felt caught by them. “We need to talk about what happened today.”

  He reached out and his hand ran from her shoulder down to her wrist. He ran it down slowly, as though relearning the texture of her skin. It struck her that though it had been little more than a full twenty-four hours since they’d last made love, it felt like forever. It felt like there was a chasm between them and he was trying to breach it.

  When he reached her wrist, he slid his hand around it, manacling her. “I think you want to talk and you want me to listen. I don’t think you want to hear what I have to say.”

  “I don’t think you’ve had enough time to process what happened.” It had gone so fast. He couldn’t possibly have thought it all through, have considered the ramifications of what had taken place.

  “I’m perfectly fine with what happened between you and the woman who handed me and my whole team over to McDonald for experimentation,” he said evenly.

  “This is what I mean.” She started to pull her wrist away, but he held her tight.

  “I understand fully what you mean. Let me summarize all of this for you. You think it’s your fault Sasha is dead because you magically should have seen Dante’s betrayal. You are a psychic and you simply ignored that particular superpower of yours. You were reckless and that’s why Dante was able to take Rebecca. And then when the woman my former self foolishly married threatened to murder you, you shot her first. You didn’t let her kill you so maybe we could find her later on and I could reconcile with her because I don’t understand my own feelings. Or you think she might have given me information on the family she claims I have. That’s why you should have allowed her to kill you.”

  He didn’t understand. “You’re simplifying things.”

  “No, you’re simplifying them.” He tugged on her wrist and drew her between his legs. She could feel the fabric of the black pants he wore against her thighs. He released her wrist and his hands found her hips, sliding down her torso and lighting up her skin. “It’s a complex problem and you’re ignoring the fact that you are human and you can’t know everything. I don’t care if you spent a million hours in therapy with that man, you couldn’t have known his true motivations.”

  He was starting to get to her. “I did know something was wrong with Dante. I still told Big Tag and Damon to go through with this mission.”

  “Because it seemed like an excellent way to figure out who was betraying us,” he pointed out. “I agree. It went to hell. That’s what happens sometimes. We’re dealing with it the best way we can. This was not your fault.”

  She went still, not quite able to reply in any way she knew would satisfy him.

  Robert sighed and wrapped his arms around her, dragging her close to him. His cheek rubbed against her chest as though he found deep satisfaction from being close to her. “Like I said before, I’ve missed you. I’m going to spank you now.”

  As miserable as she felt, those words sent a thrill through her, and her nipples hardened.

  “This isn’t punishment.” Robert released her and looked at her with the calm, controlled intensity that let her know he was totally in Dom mode. “What I’m going to do is about giving us both
what we need. You need release, and I need to take care of you. I need my hands on you.”

  She had to make a decision. She could stay here mired in her misery or she could accept what he was offering. It might not change the outcome of the day, but it would help her find some peace. “Yes, Sir.”

  He made a sexy noise low in his throat and slid his hands up her torso until his thumbs nudged the underside of her breasts. “I’m going to take you over my knee for this spanking. And it’s not going to be playful. This is going to hurt because you need a bite of pain.”

  “Yes, Sir.” This time the words were a sigh of relief. She was aroused—she always would be around Robert—but she was also relieved. As long as he was in control, she might be able to let go of her guilt for a few moments. She could stop going over and over what happened. She could simply let go and be with him.

  Robert shifted back a few inches on the mattress. He was so tall that even seated on the mattress he had both feet on the floor.

  He patted his knee. “Over my lap for your spanking.”

  She laid herself over his thigh, her knees, shoulders and head resting on the bed. She turned her face toward the edge of the mattress, looking out.

  “No, turn your head the other way. I want to see your face while I spank you.”

  Arousal pulsed through her as she obeyed.

  Robert took her arms, pulling them to the small of her back, crossing one wrist over the other and then manacling them there with one of his big hands. His other hand held onto the outside of her thigh as he shifted.

  One of his legs was under her hips, the other under her ribs. He raised the leg under her hips, propping his heel against the bedframe. That lifted her ass, making it a nice target for him to spank.

  Ariel squirmed in anticipation. She wanted him to get on with it. But the devious man wasn’t done tormenting her. Her sight was limited with her cheek pressed to the mattress, but she could see him in her peripheral vision. The arm holding her wrists at the small of her back was thick with muscle, and the hard line of his jaw was dark with sexy scruff.

  His other hand smoothed over her upraised ass, and she saw the corner of his mouth quirk up in a smile. “You’re beautiful. I know I keep telling you that, but I need you to understand I think you’re beautiful inside and out. The reports that fucker Green sent didn’t change my opinion of you, and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I understand why the bosses wanted you to keep your past from me.”