The Principle (Legacy Book 2)

by Rain Carrington

  He stopped his rant and covered his mouth with his fingers, staring hard at him.

  Matt watched, afraid of another tirade but that didn’t happen. Tom chose to instead kick himself.

  “I can’t believe this. All these years doing this, all the clients I’ve spoken to, and you got me.”

  “Huh?”

  “That’s exactly what you’re doing, Matt. Self-sabotage. You still aren’t convinced that you deserve that happiness that you know is out there waiting for you. Those people that love you, that man who loves you, you can’t see that you deserve that, so you’d rather find something wrong.”

  Sitting back straight, his eyes blinked hard as he tried to think of an argument against that, but he couldn’t. “I don’t want to…I don’t want to lose him, but…”

  Tom slid off the edge of the desk and knelt next to Matt’s chair, pleading, “Tell me, Matt. Tell me.”

  With his chest hurting, and his mind in a whirl, he blurted, “I’ll never be good enough for him, will I?”

  “Why do you think that?”

  “He’s…so good. He’s so good. I’m just figuring out what I am, good, bad, whatever.”

  “How do you think you’re bad, and don’t use your past.”

  It was right there, for anyone to see. If only they looked hard enough. “It’s in my blood. Look at what I did to him. Made him wait to even have sex, making him promise to marry me before we did anything, then I left him. Just left him! That’s no way to start a marriage.”

  “In my professional opinion, it’s the best way, Matt. You needed to make sure you were ready. You needed to take care of yourself before you could join with him in any way. I’m proud of you for waiting, and from what you’ve said, he is too. I don’t think it’s any of that, though, Matt. I think you’re experiencing what most that are close to leaving do.”

  “What’s that?”

  He stood and brought Matt to his feet, gently leading him to the window. Outside, the world was still, calm, not even a breeze to move the leaves of the many trees. The trees went on for miles, and there was a blue sky above them. Matt felt a twinge in his chest, one he recognized easily as fear.

  “This place, it is a sanctuary. We come here broken, lost, and this place, it takes us in, builds us back up to something we didn’t expect we could be. Leaving, well, it’s so scary that some stay much longer than they need to. I suspect that if you didn’t have people out there, in that scary, big world, who were dying to see you…”

  As he thought of them, his new family, he calmed considerably. “Stacy wants me to be there when the baby is born. She says I might have to be, because Charlie will probably faint.”

  He laughed a little and said, “It’s frightening, but sometimes fear is a good thing. That’s maybe our biggest lesson, Matt.”

  “Then I’ve got a lot of good. I have so many worries that I’m just not good enough, that I’m never going to be unbroken.”

  “Oh, that. Well, we’ll always be broken, a little. We got broken, but we’ve been put back together. The question is, are your pieces put back together with superglue or cheap tape? I happen to think you have that crazy glue, you know the one on the informercial. The one that can hold together through storms and water, wind and earthquake or whatever it is.”

  Many times Matt forgot that Tom had been through his own hell, raised in a cult that was possibly worse than the FLDS. He knew Tom was there for his own healing still, as well as to give them all hope at what they could do, and could have.

  “Matt, go…go be with them. Go live. I think I’ve hidden away here much too long, disguising it as helping others. I didn’t really see that until you came.”

  Matt turned to him, wondering, “Why me?”

  There were no words for a long time. Tom blinked out at the world, the trees that surrounded them like a choking but welcome barrier to the world. “I guess, seeing you love Steve so much, and your friend, Stacy…it makes me sad that I don’t have that. Something, out there that I can hold onto.”

  He turned and ignored the world for the moment, sincerely curious and sad for the man who’d helped him so much. “You can have that. You could. I’m not special, and that’s not putting myself down, Tom. I’ve learned I’m not special here. I like that. My story isn’t any worse or better, it’s similar and different and its mine. I was told I was special for a long time because I was born with the right body parts, and that God said I might follow my father and be a prophet someday.”

  He’d known Tom was gay from the inclusion in the gay group, but he didn’t expect that Tom had fallen in love. “The guy I want? The forever guy, like your Steve is to you? He left here about four years ago. I let him go, unwilling to follow him. Don’t make my mistake. Take that love, take your Steve and live, Matt. Live like every day is the last one.”

  So, he did.

  He worked every bit as hard for the next seven weeks, kept in close contact with Stacy, and made plans to start his life.

  Tom’s words had done the trick. Though he had a million doubts and fears, the one beacon through them was Steve, and knowing that he had what so many only wished for. Steve was the world to him, the world and everything that was wonderful in it. With Steve, he knew there would be moments of troubles, but he also knew that they could work through them, together.

  When he stepped into the lobby that last day, he was astonished at the gathering of those he’d come to love as another family. Ben came to him first, hugged him, and said, “I will miss you like crazy. Who am I going to room with now?”

  “You’re not! You’ve been here long enough. Get out of here.”

  Ben hadn’t wanted to leave after his year, so he stayed on, partially as a resident but also taking a job in the kitchen. Like Tom had warned, he was so afraid of the outside world, he couldn’t yet face it. “It’s too big, Matt. I’ll get there. I promise.”

  Matt had no doubt he would. Tom was there as well, with good news of his own. “While I will still work here, I’m moving off campus and I am going to start dating again. It’s time.”

  Playfully, Matt yanked at a white hair that was thick against Tom’s thinning browns and held it in front of Tom’s eyes. “It’s time, all right. Better get moving.”

  “Asshole,” he teased, hugging him again.

  Hugging everyone and saying his goodbyes through tears took forever, but once he was finished, he looked over to see the man he hadn’t seen in so long, who looked better than he had remembered. He ran to Steve, nearly tackling him in a hug that lasted long enough for his friends behind him to applaud and cheer.

  The noise didn’t stop him from hearing his own heartbeat. He hadn’t heard it for the entire time he’d been at The Center. For him, that meant that it was Steve, he was the one that held his heartbeat, and as long as they were together, it would beat strong and fast.

  “I missed you so damn much, baby.”

  He finally let go so he could look into those dark brown eyes and see all the love he hoped he’d see. “Never again. I never want to be apart again. That’s not me being pathetic, it’s me ordering you to never be out of my sight for long again.”

  Steve’s laughter was followed quickly by a kiss. Their breath combining, it was the final step he needed to know they were still there. The love they shared hadn’t faltered from the long absence.

  With a wave to the others, he held Steve’s hand all the way to the car, where he pushed Steve against the passenger window to devour his mouth again, touching his face, his neck, his chest, feeling like it was a miracle the man was there and he was still in love with him. Like they’d never been apart a second, he was there, the same beautiful, wonderful Steve.

  Then, he remembered the plan, and he smiled so wide, Steve cocked his head to the side and asked, “What is that devious look in your eye?”

  “Oh, your detective skills are coming along nicely. Good catch, because I’m being very devious.”

  Steve’s grin matched his own. “I’m a li
ttle afraid.”

  Matt melted at the touch of Steve’s hand on his cheek. “I am too. In the best way possible.”

  They drove to the airport, and Matt went to the counter to do what he needed to do. He’d practiced with Tom several times and knew what to say and do. Steve was ready with his tickets, but Matt plucked them from his hand and held them to the agent. “My friend called to change these, and I believe the new tickets are paid for.”

  The agent took the tickets from him, and from the side of his vision, he saw Steve’s gaping mouth as he looked to Matt, then to the agent and back. “What is this?”

  “Shh,” is all he answered, and the agent printed up the new tickets, handing them over to Matt.

  “Here you are and have a great day.”

  Matt winked at her and said, “Oh, it will be.”

  As they headed for security, Steve was full of questions. “What was that? Why did you change the tickets? Where are we going?”

  He had barely memorized the procedures through the airport with Tom, and was nervous that he’d misstep, so he stopped and turned to Steve, begging, “Please, just trust me. I have a surprise, and it’s important to me. I know you’ve done so much for me already, but this one more thing. Please?”

  Steve’s smile was gone, and he stood straight and nodded his head once. “Anything.”

  Another subject he’d gone over repeatedly with Tom was his role as a dominant to his submissive man. He didn’t think he could ever do it after everything that had happened, but it was natural to him. Tom warned him about suppressing his natural instincts.

  Steve was ready to submit to anything Matt wanted or needed. As he’d missed him and wanted to give him the world, he had to remember that for Steve, part of that world was letting him submit to Matt. “Keep quiet until I am ready for you to know what’s happening.”

  “Yes, baby. Anything you need.”

  Matt’s love grew more in that second with Steve’s eyes glistening with joy and submission. In the middle of the airport, he kissed him, something tender and feathery and he heard his heart again, pounding in his chest. Steve truly was his heartbeat.

  After they boarded the plane, Matt laughed at the fact that Stacy had booked them first class and for his second time in an airplane, he was spoiled. The last time, he hadn’t enjoyed it, but he knew he would the second time.

  Steve drank the champagne Matt ordered for him, admitting, “I get a bit dizzy with this stuff.”

  “Good, I want you dizzy.”

  “If you’re trying to seduce me, you don’t need the booze, baby.”

  That started a make-out session that left Matt breathless. The fact that he’d made Steve wait had weighed on him terribly, but suddenly, he realized he’d been made to wait too. Waiting to touch the man in the intimate ways he wanted, see and feel and taste him in all the beautiful ways he’d imagined. Steve’s beautiful face, his body, his mind, his spirit, everything was sex and love and devotion and everything Matt craved.

  “We really need to plan our wedding,” Steve whispered after one round of kissing. “If you still want my old ass.”

  “It’s not old, and oh, I want that ass.”

  Steve’s brows rose and he laughed, “Cussing? You?”

  “Ass is in the bible, for one, and for another, I’m a bit of a Buddhist now, or something like it.” He took a deep breath, thinking of everything he’d read, he’d learned, he’d yearned for while at The Center. “Years of indoctrination, it was hard to get over. I’m still working on it, but of all the religions I’ve read about, my truth is closest to that. Is that weird?”

  “Not at all. Peaceful, giving, it suits you.”

  He knew Steve would agree with most anything he said. A few months previous, that would have hurt him, but he knew it came from love. “I’m not going to ever cuss a lot, or drink or all that stuff, but I smoke now, though I’m trying to quit. I drink caffeine, I want to have so much sex with you that you can’t walk for weeks,” he said, after lowering his voice to a barely audibly whisper. “I’ve changed. The one thing that hasn’t is that I love you.”

  “Give me the time to learn everything about the new you, Matt. That’s all I ask.”

  “I think I can do that.”

  They landed in Houston, not surprising Steve, seeing as the plane was set for there, but the rest was a shock. Matt only hoped he wouldn’t start with the questions again. He knew he’d never lie to Steve.

  Without a word, they gathered their luggage, then found a driver that was holding a sign that read, “Whitehouse”.

  The driver took their bags and stowed them in the trunk of the limo. Never having been in one before, Matt was excited, checking out everything, but understanding one perk more than the others. There was a button he pushed that raised a barrier between them and the driver, so he let that fully rise and turned to Steve, laying him on the backseat.

  Over him, like he had craved to be for months, he saw Steve panting, felt his tremble. Those things that he wanted like air. He didn’t lower himself, not right away, being perfectly content to stare down at his lover.

  Flushing on Steve’s face made him more beautiful. Darkening his olive skin, deepening his voice as he groaned. His eyes met Matt’s, then lowered, then rebounded, flashing to Matt like lightning. He felt his breath picking up speed, felt his heart as it thrummed, and once he kissed Steve, the electricity left there had him shaking.

  Matt came up for a breath, pledging, “I’m going to love you forever.”

  Steve surprised and scared him, pushing back, making Matt sit on the seat as he moved to sit next to him. Steve had something to say, and Matt needed to hear it, good or bad. He only hoped that if it was bad, his time away had prepared him for it.

  “When you say that, Matt, I get so scared. I mean, I’m older than you are. I’ve heard that before, and it never happened, but with you, I believe it, maybe more than I should. I know you need to keep going to therapy, I will be going too, and I guess I’m afraid that one day, you won’t want me.”

  If it was time for confessions, he had a few of his own. “You don’t know what I’ve been feeling. I kept a lot from you. I have no idea what you’ve felt for the same reasons. There is one thing I do know, though. I never stopped loving you or wanting you. You came along at maybe the worst time in my life. You went through the worst of it with me. Then…then you let me go to let me heal. That’s…that’s above and beyond. I have a lot to tell you, and there’s a new me you have to get to know, but the man who fell in love with you, he’s still here. He’s more committed to you than he ever was.” It was time, and he saw them approaching the coast, knew it was time to put up or shut up. Slipping to the floor of the car, he had no ring, nothing to give Steve but himself.

  Steve’s breath caught and he stared deeply at Matt, his hand tightening in Matt’s. “Matt, you don’t have to.”

  Nervously laughing, he said, “Yeah, I kinda do.” He rubbed a thumb over Steve’s ring finger. “I told you I wanted you forever.” Steve closed his eyes for a moment, and Matt waited until they opened, seeing his own emotions.

  Steve’s tears gathered, but didn’t fall, not right away, and Matt felt his own as the sensations of the moment started moving through him.

  “The trip, this trip, it’s a surprise wedding. I wanted to go to Mexico or Hawaii or someplace more exotic, but one, I have no money,” he laughed, nervous to finish. “Two, Stacy can’t fly in her third trimester, so she suggested a coast closer to our new home.”

  “Our…”

  “Yeah. Our home. I meant it, Steve, I want you forever, and I want to marry you and have kids someday with you and have the family I’ve always wanted. Marry me today and make me happier than I’ve ever been.”

  He laughed through his tears and commented, “That wasn’t a question.”

  “No, it sure wasn’t.”

  Steve cupped both hands on Matt’s face as he managed, “I will marry you and I swear, on my own life, I’ll do everythi
ng I can, every single day to make you happy.”

  Matt felt his entire body rejoice and he was in Steve’s arms, kissing him, loving him, touching over his face as they both shed their tears and laughed through them.

  When they arrived in Galveston, they pulled into a motel parking lot, and Matt led Steve from the car after the driver took their bags from the trunk. They separated long enough to dress, and Stacy met Matt in his room, hugging him tight as she could with her huge belly in the way.

  “I have a surprise for you. Charlie and I are having twins.”

  “That’s so great! That’s why you’re so big!”

  She smacked him for that, but agreed. “I’m a house on two very swollen feet, yeah.”

  “You’re beautiful. I can’t wait to babysit.”

  After he dressed in the white poet’s shirt and casual white pants Stacy had chosen for him to wear, he stood in front of the full-length mirror with her by his side. She was dressed in similar clothes and had her hand on her belly as she said, “Damn, you are gorgeous.”

  “I hope he thinks so.”

  “Are you kidding? He is so crazy about you. All those months, all he could talk about was this, marrying you the minute you came home, doing everything for you.”

  As he thought about the guests waiting at the beach, he lowered his head and asked, “She didn’t come, did she?”

  “No, honey. Your mom said she couldn’t condone you marrying a man. She loves you and is trying to understand. She blames your father and what he…what he made you do, watching those girls.”

  Taking a breath, he grunted, “I didn’t think she’d come, but I hoped.”

  His mother was living in Santa Fe with two of her sister wives and all their minor children. He knew he’d go to see them eventually, but it was too soon.

  “Steve’s parents are here. They want to speak to you before the wedding, if you’re up for it.”

  Matt took her hand and kissed the back. “Well, best man…woman…person, whatever, I guess we should get going then.”

  “I guess we should.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight