The World of Simon Rich

by Simon Rich

  – Christ. Exactly the same as yesterday. How’s morale?

  – Terrible. It’s like we’re not even trying out there. We don’t stand a chance against … well … you know.

  – (shuddering) He-Who-Is-Dressed-Differently.

  – He’s immortal, and I’ll swear to that. Today he stopped in midstride and began to punch the air. Five of our brothers walked directly into his moving fist. One by one, they fell to the ground and vanished.

  – There is no God.

  – Every day he defeats us in the exact same sequence, using the exact same manoeuvres.

  – And that music. It never stops!

  – The same sixteen notes, over and over again, droning and endless, piercing through the darkened void. (hushed) Sometimes he brings a companion to help him with his murders.

  – Their blows hurt us but not each other!

  – It is as if God has chosen us alone for misery.

  – (sobbing) Why does he rush through our town so quickly?

  – I believe he’s going for a record of some kind. It has to do with points.

  – Sweet Lord!

  – It’s not enough for him to simply take our lives. He must also take our honour.

  – You would think by now he would have grown tired of this battle. Surely the challenge is gone!

  – And yet the genocide continues.

  – Was it always like this, brother?

  – I do not know.

  – Hold me, brother, I’m frightened!

  – (punches him in the face) I’m sorry. That seems to be the only action I’m capable of.

  – I only have two hits left.

  THE END

  Role playing

  TEACHER: All right, class, today we’re going to be learning about the political landscape that led to the Civil War. Let’s start with a little role-playing exercise. First we need someone to play the part of a Southern slave owner. Okay, let’s say … Seymour.

  SEYMOUR: What?

  TEACHER: Great. Now we need someone to play a Northern abolitionist. Raise your hand if you want to volunteer. Okay – I guess that’s everybody else. Let’s begin.

  SOPHIE: How many innocent people must die to satisfy your greed, Seymour?

  KAREN: You’re a monster, Seymour. (crying) A monster.

  SEYMOUR: What’s happening? I’m against slavery – I swear!

  TEACHER: I don’t think that’s something a slave owner would say, Seymour. Remember, you’re being graded on this.

  SEYMOUR: Um … then, I guess … slavery … is good?

  TEACHER: Of all the villains in the history of this nation, you, Seymour, are by far the most terrifying. I can’t even look you in the face. You literally make my skin crawl.

  SEYMOUR: I thought you said it was a role-playing exercise?

  TEACHER: I’m also doing the exercise. I’m an abolitionist.

  Crayola Co.

  – Thanks for coming, Samuel.

  – No problem, boss. I’ll have those new colour names on your desk by five.

  – That’s fine. Listen, Sam … have you been having problems at home?

  – Well, actually, yeah. How did you know? Who told you?

  – Well … to be honest, I could sort of tell by the quality of your work.

  – But I’ve been writing ten crayon titles a day!

  – I know, but some of these colours … Sad Blue … Sad Green … Horrible Red … Sad Red … Really Sad Blue … Divorce Sienna … Divorce Brown … Divorce Green … Divorce Pink … It’s just … a little repetitive, you know?

  – Well, all the colours have been more or less the same lately. What can I say? When it comes to crayon naming, you have to go with your first instinct. Like, look at this new shade of orange. What pops into your mind?

  – I don’t know … sunshine?

  – Well, yeah. Or divorce. I would say Divorce Orange. Except there already is a Divorce Orange. So then … I guess, no name. Just a nameless colour.

  – I think maybe you need a vacation.

  – Really?

  – Look, to be honest, last month’s colours were a little off too. Adultery Red … Ultimatum Pink … Lawyers Green … Settlement Blue … Countersettlement Light Blue … Maybe you need to take some time away from the office. You know, to resolve the crisis in your marriage?

  – Look, boss. No offense, but I’m just not buying all this psychobabble. I mean, Craig came up with Ladybug Red today. That doesn’t mean he has a bug problem at home or whatever.

  – Okay. But what about your colours from two months ago? Temptation Red? Considering Adultery Blue? Considering Adultery Yellow?

  – What about them?

  – I think you should take the rest of the day off.

  – Okay, you’re the boss. I guess I’ll see you divorce.

  – Do you mean … “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  – That’s what I said.

  How I imagine life in the U.S. army (based on the commercials I’ve seen)

  GENERAL STONE: All right, men, listen up! Our nation is at war, and the whole world is counting on us to protect freedom. That leaves us with just one option.

  BOB: Rock climbing?

  GENERAL STONE: Exactly. There’s a steep mountain in the middle of an unpopulated desert. We need someone to go there by himself, climb the mountain, and put a flag on the top.

  BOB: I’ll do it.

  GENERAL STONE: Excellent! Here’s the flag.

  BOB: Cool.

  GENERAL STONE: All right, let’s see. We also need someone to ride a Jet Ski. How about you, Jackson?

  JACKSON: I don’t know, General, I’m sort of afraid of getting hurt. Can I stay here and work on computers?

  GENERAL: Yes. Everybody who wants to can stay here and work on computers.

  BRIAN: General?

  GENERAL: What’s up?

  BRIAN: Can I take a break? I kind of want to go to college.

  GENERAL: No problem, here’s thirty thousand dollars in cash.

  BRIAN: Great, thanks.

  GENERAL: Okay, men, that’s it for the day.

  JACKSON: Hey, look! It’s my friends and family.

  FRIENDS AND FAMILY: Hey, nice uniform. We’re proud of you.

  JACKSON: Thanks. See you in a couple of weeks.

  FRIENDS AND FAMILY: Yeah, see you then.

  How college kids imagine the U.S. government

  Present Day

  – Did you hear the news, Mr. President? The students at the University of Pittsfield are walking out of their classes, in protest of the war.

  – (Spits out coffee.) Wha— What did you say?

  – Apparently, students are standing up in the middle of lectures and walking right out of the building.

  – But students love lectures. If they’re willing to give those up, they must really be serious about this peace thing! How did you hear about this protest?

  – The White House hears about every protest, no matter how small.

  – Oh, right, I remember.

  – You haven’t heard the half of it, Mr. President. The leader of the group says that if you don’t stop the war today, they’re going to … to … I’m sorry, I can’t say it out loud. It’s just too terrifying.

  – Say it, dammit! I’m the President!

  – All right! If you don’t stop the war … they’re going to stop going to school for the remainder of the week.

  – Send the troops home.

  – But, Mr. President! Shouldn’t we talk about this?

  – Send the troops home.

  The 60s

  – Mr. President! Did you hear about Woodstock?

  – Woo— Woodstock? What in God’s name is that?

  – Apparently, young people hate the war so much they’re willing to participate in a musical sex festival in protest of it.

  – Oh my God. They must really be serious about this whole thing.

  – That’s not all. Some of them are threatening to join communes: places where they
make their own clothing … and beat on drums.

  – Stop the war.

  – But, Mr. President!

  – Stop all American wars!

  – (Sighs.) Very well, sir. I’ll go tell the generals.

  – Wow. It’s a good thing those kids decided to go hear music.

  War

  LT. MCDOUGAL: Who among you will carry the flag as we march into battle?

  ABBOT: I will!

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  WALTER: Then I will hoist up the flag and carry it in his place!

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  HAROLD: Then … I guess … I will carry the flag, sir!

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  CHARLES: Then … well… I’ll carry it.

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  JOHN: Then … me? I guess? I’ll carry it?

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  WELLINGTON: Geez … I guess, then, I’ll carry it. If it comes to that.

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And if this man goes down?

  MORTIMER: Sir … what kind of forces are we going up against? I mean … don’t get me wrong, if Wellington takes a hit, I’ll carry the flag—

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And when this man goes down?

  KEARNY: Sir? What do you think our chances are … of winning this battle? I’m not trying to get negative, I’m just … (Sighs.) Look, I’ll carry the flag if he goes down. I’m just starting to get nervous—

  LT. MCDOUGAL: And when this man goes down?

  BILLINGS: Jesus. Captain, who are we fighting? What’s the situation? Please, just be straight with us.

  LT. MCDOUGAL: Who will carry the flag when Kearny goes down?

  BILLINGS: Well, I guess me. I mean, I’d be the only one left … in that scenario.

  LT. MCDOUGAL: All right. It goes Abbot, Walter, Harold, Charles, John, Wellington, Mortimer, Kearny, Billings and then me. Forward march.

  Moon landing transcript

  In 1969, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins became the first men to visit the moon. NASA recorded every word the astronauts said upon their arrival. But until now, only snippets have been released to the public. Here, at last, is the full transcript.

  July 20, 1969, 20:18 UTC

  [Neil Armstrong steps onto moon]

  Neil Armstrong: That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.

  Mission Control: Wow, Neil. That was beautiful.

  [Buzz Aldrin steps onto moon]

  Buzz Aldrin: Uh … and indeed … that is another step taken by a man … and another good thing … that man did.

  [Long pause.]

  Mission Control: Okay. Thank you for that, Buzz.

  Buzz Aldrin: (whispering) Damn it, Neil, why didn’t you tell me you were going to prepare a line? I looked like a freaking idiot just now.

  Neil Armstrong: (whispering) I thought I told you.

  Buzz Aldrin: (whispering) You know damn well you didn’t.

  [Michael Collins steps onto moon.]

  Michael Collins: And so man hurtles headlong through the stars, daring, perchance, to reach his golden promise.

  Mission Control: Wow, Michael. That was fantastic.

  [Neil Armstrong and Michael Collins high-five.]

  Buzz: Son of a bitch. Is this what you guys were doing yesterday, in the back of the module, with those pads and pencils? While I was mixing the Tang?

  Neil: Maybe.

  Buzz: Fuck you guys.

  Relationships

  One-way ticket to Mars

  The Mars One Foundation recently announced plans to colonize Mars. The organization hopes to provide 24 humans with a “oneway ticket” to the Red Planet. So far, they’ve received over 200,000 applications. Here is one of them.

  Dear Mars One,

  I’m writing to apply for a one-way ticket to Mars, on behalf of my husband, Paul. Obviously, as his wife, it would pain me to say goodbye to him forever. But he is so perfectly qualified for this mission, that I would feel selfish keeping him here on earth. The following are a list of attributes that would make Paul a good addition to your colony.

  Excess fat

  When Paul and I married 30 years ago, he was 10 pounds overweight. Since then, he’s gained over fifty pounds, all of it pure fat. If there were ever a food scarcity on Mars, Paul’s body would be able to feed off its own fat.

  Loudness of breath

  Dust storms are common on Mars, and with them comes the danger of getting separated from the group. Paul would be easy to locate during these storms. When he inhales, he makes a nasal “ghhuh” noise and when he exhales he makes a “psshhh” noise. It sort of sounds like he’s snoring, except that he’s wide awake and it’s so much louder than snoring. Sometimes I think that he’s doing it on purpose. I’ll start screaming at him, “Stop, damn it, stop, stop, stop!” But he doesn’t even seem to know he’s doing it.

  Puns

  Paul loves to make puns. For example, when I ask him to help make the bed, he says, “Make a bed? But we already own one!” This exchange happens every morning. Maybe your colony has a need for puns? I don’t know.

  Stench

  This is another way to find Paul during storms. His body odor is so strong, sometimes I actually start to laugh out loud, like, “Is this really happening? Is that smell really coming out of a person?”

  If there aren’t any one-way tickets left to Mars, I understand. I do hope, though, that you’ll consider Paul for other one-way missions, to the moon, other planets or the sun. Paul won’t do anything I tell him, but if you were to show up in space outfits and say, like, “Come on, let’s go,” maybe he would go with you. I don’t know.

  Sincerely,

  Mrs. Paul Greenblatt

  Being of sound mind

  I, Larry McMullen, a resident of Des Moines, Iowa, being of sound mind and memory, declare this to be my last will and testament.

  Firstly, I would like to bequeath my diamond-studded Rolex to Franz Babinski, the talented hypnotist who cured me of my smoking addiction this past year. Although I have only known him for a short time, he has become a close and trusted friend.

  Secondly, I would like to bequeath my cars (one Porsche convertible and one Range Rover) to Franz Babinski, my hypnotist. I cannot fully explain why, but I feel very strongly that he should have the cars.

  My fortune is currently valued at eight (8) million dollars. For reasons I cannot fully understand, I would like to give all of it, in its entirety, to Franz Babinski. I also feel compelled to give my paintings, clothing, and house to this man. Franz Babinski is a very good man.

  Any remaining assets should go to my wife and six children.

  Moses

  According to the Book of Exodus, God gave Moses 613 commandments on top of Mount Sinai. Everyone knows the first ten, but the others are often ignored. Here are some of them: just be patient with him and learn to chill out a little.

  608: If a man goes up a mountain for a few days to talk to God, his employer should compensate him for the amount of work he missed while he was gone.

  609: If a man goes up a mountain for a few days to talk to God, his wife should be pleasant to him when he returns home, and not get on his case about organizing the spoons in the cabinet.

  610: A few months ago, Aaron and Moses made a bet about how many oxen could fit inside of a barn. Moses’ guess was right. Aaron owes him twenty dollars.

  611: If it takes a man a long time to lead his people out of the desert and into the Promised Land, everyone should just be patient with him and learn to chill out a little.

  612: If a man wants to smoke his pipe in bed, his wife should let him, especially if he’s had a stressful day leading people around in the desert.

  613: Everyone has to give Moses five dollars.

  I think my teenaged daughter knows I read her diary

  Dear Diary,

  I have the greatest Dad in the whole world! He is so cool and sm
art and his words have such a huge impact on me. For example, I never try any drugs because he told me not to. I especially have not tried Ecstasy.

  Love,

  Sarah

  Dear Diary,

  Something sad happened today. I was giving a presentation when all of a sudden the entire class started pointing at me and laughing.

  “Your clothes are cheap,” they said. “Why don’t you wear name-brand clothes?”

  “Yeah,” the teacher said. “Why don’t you?” I didn’t know what to say! The other kids were screaming with laughter and some of them were spitting on me.

  “You’re the only girl in the class without name-brand clothes,” the teacher said.

  Love,

  Sarah

  Dear Diary,

  Guess what? I think my Dad has lost some weight and re-grown some of the hair on the sides of his head! Also his new ear-hair cutting thing is really working – there is almost no hair in his ears anymore! The strangest thing happened in school today. I got to French class early and Ms. Kolber was already there. She had her feet on the desk and she was drinking something out of a glass bottle.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “Vodka,” she said. “I always drink during school.”

  “Wh–at??” I said. “Really??”

  “Yes,” she said. “I’m a secret alcoholic and nobody knows except for you.”

  Then she took a bag of red pills out of her pocket.

  “I also take pills,” she said, swallowing some of the pills.

  “But you’re not supposed to mix pills and alcohol!!” I said.

  She shrugged like it was no big deal. Then she handed me an envelope, addressed to my father.

  “Your grades have been slipping,” she said.

  “Are you sure you didn’t make some kind of a mistake grading?” I asked.

  She tried to respond, but her mouth was too full of pills and vodka.

  “If you ever tell anyone about my problems,” she finally said, “I’ll just deny it.”

  Love,

  Sarah

  Dear Diary,

  On Saturday night I will be attending an all-night study party at Becky Greenblatt’s house. Drake is picking me up in his truck and driving me there but he is not staying at Becky’s. He is just dropping me off there and then going somewhere else while I stay at Becky’s all night, studying with a group of only girls. On Sunday morning, Drake is picking me up at the study session and driving me back home – but he is definitely not going to be staying overnight at the study party, because no boys are invited.