The World of Simon Rich

by Simon Rich

  colombiatourism.com

  Thank you for visiting colombiatourism.com! Here are some useful phrases for your vacation. Click on them for English-to-Spanish translations.

  “Which way to the restaurant?”

  “How much does it cost?”

  “Where is the bathroom?”

  “Who are you?”

  “Oh my God, where are you taking me?”

  “Please do not put the rag inside of my mouth.”

  “My father is a wealthy man. I promise he will pay the amount you have requested, provided that you spare my life.”

  “I have not seen your face. If you release me, I promise, I will not be able to identify you.”

  “I have a family whom I love. Deep down, I am like you.”

  “I agree with your sentiments about America. Your philosophy is correct and very reasonable.”

  “I feel a strong emotional bond toward you, even though you are my captor.”

  “With every passing day, we are becoming better friends. Say, that is a unique gun. May I see it?”

  “Thank you.”

  “The tables have turned!”

  “Do not move while I put the chains on you. I will shoot!”

  “Officer! Three men tried to kidnap me. Arrest them at once.”

  “What are you doing? Why are you putting the handcuffs on me?”

  “Oh my God, you are in league with the kidnappers. How can this be? Is there no law in this land?”

  “Yes, I will stop talking.”

  When small talk goes wrong

  – Did you see who won the game?

  – I was at the game. A ball hit my son in the face. He’s in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital. The doctors say he might not make it. So, in answer to your question: No. I have no idea who won your precious game.

  – Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?

  – Oh my God, I’ve gained so much weight that you didn’t even recognize me. This is the single most humiliating experience of my life. We dated for seven years.

  – Do you come here often?

  – Yes. My brother was murdered at this bar in 1983. I come every year on the anniversary of his death to say a prayer. I miss him so much. I know he’s gone, but part of me still can’t let go. He was stabbed to death in the neck.

  – Are you on the bride’s side or the groom’s?

  – Well, the groom is my brother, and the bride is my wife … I’m sorry, I mean ex-wife. God, that’s going to take some getting used to. I still love her, you know. Even after what she did. (Drinks an entire glass of champagne.) You want to know something? This is the worst day of my life.

  The odds

  The odds of winning the lottery are statistically equal to the odds of getting mauled by a circus animal. The last guy to win the lottery was Al Romano. He won $80 million playing Powerball. The last guy to get mauled by a circus animal was Sam Ortle. He was attacked by a bear. I thought it would be neat to introduce these guys.

  AL: Hi.

  SAM: Hi. Congratulations on winning the lottery.

  AL: Thanks! I’m really sorry … about your misfortune.

  SAM: It had to happen to someone, I guess.

  AL: How did it happen, exactly? Do you work for the circus?

  SAM: No, I work for a computer company on the other side of town. I just happened to be out on my lunch break when the bear escaped into the city. I bent over to tie my shoes, and when I stood up he was sprinting toward me with both arms in the air. It was the single most terrifying moment of my life.

  AL: I’m so sorry.

  SAM: Yeah. I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. So … how much money did you win in the lottery?

  AL: Eighty million dollars. It sounds like more than it is, though! I have to pay a lot of taxes! (Long silence.)

  SAM: So. Do you buy lottery tickets often?

  AL: Actually, this was my first time.

  SAM: I buy lottery tickets often. About five or six a week. I still haven’t won anything.

  AL: Why do you keep looking over your shoulder like that?

  SAM: Checking for bears. I know it probably won’t happen again, but I don’t want to take any chances. It’s a crazy world. Hey, what are you going to do with all the money?

  AL: I haven’t really decided. I’m still a little dazed by the whole thing!

  SAM: You know what I would do if I won the lottery? I’d build myself a suit to protect against bears. I’d wear it all the time, for the rest of my life.

  AL: You know, if you want, I could buy you a suit with my winnings! Seriously, I’d be happy to do it.

  SAM: What’s the point? Some bear would find a way.

  Desert island

  I was chatting with a girl at a cocktail party last weekend and she asked me, “If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only take three possessions with you, which ones would you pick?” “That’s pretty tough,” I said. “I guess my first-edition copy of Bob Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited, James Merrill’s Collected Poems, and my lucky Sonic Youth T-shirt.”

  Well, it turns out the girl was a government research scientist. It’s a long story, but basically when the drugs in my cocktail wore off, I woke up completely naked on a sandy strip of land in the middle of the ocean. A few hours later a jet plane whizzed by and parachute-dropped the record, book, and shirt onto the shore.

  I realize now that I definitely could have chosen better items.

  The last three days have been hell. I have no food, shelter, or medicine. The Sonic Youth T-shirt has an enormous tear through the front. It’s pretty cool-looking, and it shows I’ve had the shirt for a long time, since before Sonic Youth got big. But the tear lets in a lot of cold air, and the larger insects keep getting trapped in it.

  Every few hours I flip through the Merrill anthology in the hope that one of his poems will be about fire building or water purification or how to make medicine, but so far they’re all useless.

  I spent yesterday morning tying the Bob Dylan record to a stick with weeds and swinging it over my head to try to receive radio waves. I don’t remember why I thought that would work.

  If I had asked for a Bob Dylan CD, I could have at least used the reflective surface to maybe heat up some sand. I’m not sure what that would accomplish, but at least I’d feel like I was doing something.

  This morning I ate the poetry book and the shirt. Tonight, I’m going to try to eat the record.

  Let me tell you some more about this island. During the daytime, the sand is so hot that I need to constantly hop from foot to foot to prevent my feet from getting burned. At night it’s below freezing. There are no trees. There’s just sand, weeds, and some kind of volcano. Every fish I’ve caught so far has been poisonous.

  I just realized that, technically, my house counts as a possession. I could have asked for my entire house.

  I don’t even like Bob Dylan. I just wanted to sound cool.

  Glorious battles of the American revolution

  The British redcoats were excellently trained. But their conventional battle tactics failed to subdue the ragtag American troops.

  The Battle of Stoney Point – 1779

  George Washington’s minutemen attack the redcoats with pitchforks. Cornwallis, the British general, stubbornly sticks to his strategy: offering the Americans tea and then cleverly giving them none.

  The Battle of Hobkirk’s Hill – 1780

  The Americans kill five thousand redcoats by hitting them on the head with rocks. Cornwallis and his surviving men retaliate by throwing an elaborate dinner party and not inviting any minutemen. Washington comes anyway. During sherry he makes an extremely lewd toast. Out of politeness, the redcoats pretend not to hear him. But a few minutes later Washington repeats his toast, loudly. One by one, all the redcoats make very courteous excuses and leave early.

  The Battle of Grime’s River – 1781

  At 9:30 A.M., the redcoats assemble on the battlefield, but as usual the Ameri
cans are tardy. Furious, Cornwallis marches his infantry up to Washington’s tent and requests permission to fire his gun at him. Washington, still drunk from the night before, stumbles out of the tent and starts dancing. Cornwallis is enraged, but etiquette demands that he join the dance. The redcoats retreat slowly, careful to avoid any eye contact with Cornwallis.

  The Battle of Haw Forest – 1782

  General Washington sets a forest on fire to show Cornwallis that he’s ready to fight. As a gesture of good faith, Cornwallis executes his five best men. Washington goes on to win the battle by poisoning some local Indians and forcing them to kill the redcoats in exchange for medicine. In accordance with British military law, Mrs. Cornwallis bakes General Washington a congratulatory scone and invites him to her drawing room for whist. Washington insists on having sex with her. They have sex.

  A day in the life of the Swiss Army

  All right, everyone, listen up. I’m not going to lie to you. We lost a lot of good men today. But we haven’t lost the war yet. It’s time to hunker down and talk strategy: Has everybody been taking care of his fingernails? Because yesterday, during the battle, I noticed that some men – in fact, a lot of men – were having trouble opening their knives. Remember, you have to dig pretty hard to get the blade out. It’s not like the magnifying glass.

  Okay, another thing. Yesterday, on the battlefield, there was some confusion about the location of the blade. If the logo is facing you, the blade is the third instrument on the right side of the knife. It looks like the tweezers, but it’s actually the one just above the tweezers. This is really important to remember.

  Let’s have a moment of silence to mourn all the men who died today.

  Okay. One more thing: I can see that many of you have accidentally cut yourselves while trying to open your knives. Listen, this happens sometimes, it’s just another part of war and army life. But try to be careful.

  Tobias, how’s the fire coming? Still sawing down the tree? Okay. Remember to be careful with that saw, Tobias. Just because it’s little doesn’t mean it isn’t sharp.

  All right, men, it looks like we have some more time before dinner. And as long as you’re all here, I’d like to talk to you about respect. During weapons inspection, I noticed that many of you have lost your toothpicks. This is unacceptable. The toothpick is part of the Swiss Army knife. Yes, I know, it comes out. But that’s not an excuse to lose it.

  All right, that’s it. Get some rest. Tomorrow we wage war.

  Any person living or dead

  If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead, whom would you choose? Aristotle? Catherine the Great? Mahatma Gandhi?

  Recent advances in time-travel technology have made it possible for discerning customers like you to turn this age-old fantasy into a reality.

  Frequently Asked Questions

  How does it work?

  As soon as your payment clears, our skilled technicians will travel back in time to capture, sedate and abduct a historical figure of your choosing.

  Is sedation necessary?

  Unfortunately, yes. Most historical figures are confused by the concept of time travel. When we appear in their homes they often flee or become physically combative. Once sedated, though, guests usually “accept their invitation” to dinner.

  What should I talk to my guest about at our dinner?

  Unfortunately, conversation at your dinner will probably be minimal. Most historical figures do not understand modern English. Also, it is unlikely that your guest will be in the mood to talk. Time travel, you must understand, is extremely physically traumatic. Each trip involves over six and a half minutes of free fall, 900 Gs of pressure and temperature swings ranging from 150 degrees Fahrenheit to 30 degrees below freezing. By the time guests arrive at dinner they are almost always unconscious.

  Are any historical figures “off-limits”?

  We regret to inform you that William Shakespeare is no longer available for dinners.

  In the first few years of our operation, Shakespeare was one of our most sought-after guests, appearing at dinners at a rate of 3–5 times a week. These appearances put a heavy strain on him, both mentally and physically. He began to recognize our technicians, and whenever he spotted them, he would burst into tears and run screaming through the streets of London. Many of our technicians are former Navy Seals and they seldom had difficulty capturing the unathletic Shakespeare. But the degree of violence needed to subdue the famous playwright grew to unacceptable levels. After a series of tribunals, the United Nations concluded that we can no longer “invite” William Shakespeare to events.

  Can I read any testimonials?

  Absolutely. The following reviews come from actual, satisfied customers.

  “I wanted to meet Da Vinci, because I saw that movie about his code and I wanted to know if it was real. The first thing he said was ‘oh mio dio,’ which a technician told me means, ‘Oh my God.’ Then he started crying and whispering ‘diablos.’ I guess he thought he’d died and was in hell? Anyway, I tried to ask him about his code, but he was pretty strung out from his trip and all the sedation, so I just let it go. It was cool to see his clothes; he had a brown shirt with funny wooden buttons.”

  – Bob from San Antonio

  “It was pretty wild hanging out with John Lennon. The first thing he said when he came through the portal was, ‘I need my stomach pumped.’ I think he thought he was having a drug experience.

  “He was really fidgety, so a technician decided to put him in a restraint chair. When Lennon saw the straps, he freaked out. The scientists kept warning him to ‘be good,’ but Lennon wouldn’t stop flailing, so one of the technicians had to slap him. When the restraints were finally on, Lennon’s body went limp and he started to cry.

  “I was a little nervous to talk to him, because he’s such a big celebrity, but eventually I worked up the nerve. It was during dessert, after Lennon had been quiet for about an hour. Two technicians propped Lennon’s head up and I said to him, ‘Mr. Lennon, I just want to tell you that I love your music and I cried for hours the day you got assassinated.’ As soon as I said it, I realized I’d made a bad mistake. Mr. Lennon’s eyes got wild and he started saying, ‘Who’s gonna kill me? When’s it going to happen? You’ve gotta tell me! This is my life! MY LIFE!’ He got so angry that he managed to rip off one of his restraints, which is incredible, because they’re made of metal. With his free hand he reached for a butter knife and the technicians had no choice but to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart. It hit him right in the center of his chest. He looked down at the dart for a few seconds in total shock. Then he looked up at me and started to weep, with a look on his face, like, ‘how could you have done this to me? What have I done to deserve this?’ I could smell that he had defecated. All in all, I give the evening a B plus.”

  – Mike from Charleston

  Last question … how do I sign up??

  Just click the box below. We look forward to serving you.

  Nostradamus: the lost predictions

  “Someone who people made fun of, for making weird predictions, will become internationally famous.”

  “Someone who girls wouldn’t date – because they thought it was creepy how he wore a black robe every day, and sometimes closed his eyes at parties and predicted wars – this guy will end up having entire television specials made about him, where experts say that he was smart at predictions, and a cool guy.”

  “When this prediction guy becomes famous, some people will still make fun of him, and say that he wasn’t that smart, because his predictions were vague, and could be interpreted in multiple ways, but these jerks will just be jealous, because where’s their television specials? They don’t have any. And maybe when they get their own television specials made about them, they can talk, but until then, it’s like, ‘Be quiet.’”

  “Beards will come back into style.”

  Guinness Book of World Records

  Longest Fingernails – Stan Metzger of Fort Wayne,
Indiana

  Stan grew out his nails to a combined length of 41 feet. That’s over four feet per nail!

  Firmest Ultimatum – Alison Metzger of Fort Wayne, Indiana

  When Stan Metzger’s fingernails reached a combined 30 feet in length, his wife, Alison, threatened to leave him if he didn’t cut his nails. Stan refused to cut them and, true to her word, Alison divorced him.

  Most Uncomfortable High School Reunion – Central High, Fort Wayne, Indiana

  “No one had seen Stan for a while,” reports one alumnus. “And when he walked into the gym, it was so upsetting. I mean, he was always an odd guy. But the nail thing really came out of nowhere.”

  Most Traumatic Match.com Date – Stan Metzger and Tanya Jenkins, Fort Wayne, Indiana

  “Stan’s profile picture didn’t show his nails,” reports Ms. Jenkins. “When he walked into the Ruby Tuesdays, with those crazy, gnarly nails raised over his head, I started screaming. We all started screaming.”

  Greatest Irony – Stan Metzger of Fort Wayne, Indiana

  For thirty years, Stan alienated friends and family in his blind pursuit of the fingernail record. He eventually managed to achieve his dream. But when the Guinness Book arrived at his apartment, his nails had grown so long, he found himself unable to open it.

  Longest Motorcycle Wheelie – Stan Metzger of Fort Wayne, Indiana

  Dude rocked it for over ten miles!

  God

  Jesus

  JESUS: Love each other, for love conquers all.

  THOMAS: Praise the Lord!

  JESUS: If someone attacks you, turn the other cheek.

  THOMAS: Praise the Lord!

  JESUS: Eat my body and my blood.

  THOMAS: Praise the— Wait. What was that last thing?

  JESUS: Eat my body and my blood.

  THOMAS: You mean … symbolically?

  JESUS: No.

  THOMAS: Oh.