Binding Devotion

by Kiki Archer

  Andi was open mouthed, unable to comprehend what she was hearing. “You’ve cheated on me, Zara. Prolifically!”

  “I got a few cheap thrills. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  “So, what? Melody got pissed off at you and sent me this file?”

  Zara shook her head. “No. Melody knows better than that.”

  “Jayney then?” Andi suddenly remembered the party and laughed. “They came to the party together to show you up, didn’t they?”

  Zara shrugged. “Didn’t work though, did it? You showed me up more on that night than they did.”

  Andi was frantically shaking her head. “Melody had this file! She was holding it at my party! I remember.”

  “That must have been before you got pissed then? Before you showed everyone what a lightweight you are.”

  “JUST SHUT UP ZARA!” Andi broke down in tears, completely overcome by her pain. “Just shut up,” she whispered.

  “Oh stop crying! If we’re going to talk about this, then let’s do it properly.”

  “I DON’T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!” Andi was visibly shaking, unable to stop the tears from coursing down her cheeks. “Just tell me. Tell me what’s going on.”

  “With what?”

  “WITH THE FUCKING FILE!” Andi rubbed her face. “Seriously, Zara, I’m so close to losing it with you.”

  “It looks like you’re there already, sweetie.”

  “SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR STUPID FUCKING SWEETIE BULLSHIT!”

  Zara actually looked quite concerned. “Calm down, sweetie. Swearing doesn’t suit you.” She huffed and started to straighten her long black hair. “Fine. All I know is that Melody kept this file of the dates and times that we met for sex. I know about it because she threatened me with it. I wasn’t really bothered because I thought you knew.” Zara raised an eyebrow. “And really, Melody needs to learn a little etiquette. None of the other women from work have behaved like she has. We fuck. We leave. We possibly fuck again.” Zara lifted her hands. “We work in a high pressured environment. People are always looking for a spot of light relief. It happens. It’s meaningless sex, but it happens. You must have known?”

  Andi scrunched up her face. “I still can’t believe you’re saying that!”

  “Well I thought you knew, sweetie, and if you’ll let me finish?” She paused ensuring she had her silence. “Melody was bluffing. She’d never have given you the file. She loves her job too much, and unfortunately, she’s very good at her job. The firm needs her. She knew she had nothing on me.” Zara laughed. “I think she brought Jayney to the party to make a point; to get one over on me. But it didn’t work.” Zara pulled at a stray black hair and dropped it to the floor. “You got pissed and took everyone’s attention and someone stole the file.”

  “What? What do you mean, someone stole the file? Who stole the file?”

  Zara raised her eyebrows. “Whoever posted it through that letter box; they stole the file. I’m guessing that it’s the same person who’s been ringing me and threatening to show you.” She shrugged. “But again, I wasn’t bothered because I thought you knew. I thought you were turning a blind eye.”

  Andi rubbed the corners of her mouth, still in complete shock. “So some stranger’s had access to that file? For fuck’s sake they’ve probably made a copy. Do you realise how damaging this could be to me? To Proud Unity? To the campaign for equal marriage?”

  Zara tutted. “Typical! Back to your reputation again!” She sneered. “And it won’t be a stranger. It’ll be someone you know.”

  “Why?”

  “They took it from the party.”

  “It could have been anyone then!” Andi sniffed and tried to focus on a solution. “So where does that leave us?”

  Zara shrugged. “If you want me to stop, I’ll stop.”

  “WHAT?” Andi was shaking her head, completely dumbfounded. “I mean the file, not your stupid little affairs.”

  “Oh fuck the file! No one will give a shit! Are you really more bothered about that, than about us?”

  Andi thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know what I think. I don’t know what I feel. I’m just in total shock.”

  “Look,” said Zara, trying to come to a conclusion. “I’ll stop if you want me to. I’ll stop the sex,” she grinned, “or you could start? I wouldn’t mind.”

  “You disgust me, Zara. YOU ABSOLUTELY DISGUST ME!”

  Zara curled her lip at the corner and raised an eyebrow. “Actually you’re right. You might struggle. I don’t think many people are into prudes.”

  “You are such a bitch!”

  “Well you’re a prude. I have to get my kicks from somewhere.” Zara took a deep breath. “I’m trying to sort this out.”

  Andi was fuming with the tears that had started again. “Why?”

  Zara exhaled. “Why what?”

  “Why are you so intent on hurting me?”

  “Oh get over yourself, Andi. Not everything’s about you. Go take a walk or something and come back when you’re ready to talk about this like an adult.”

  Andi bit the inside of her cheek, stopping the words from escaping.

  Zara was shooing her with her hands. “Go on, go. But just remember one thing. It was sex. Just sex. A meaningless act to get myself off. I’ve never, ever, so much as gazed into anyone else’s eyes. I’ve never spoken about feelings. For Christ’s sake, Andi, I struggle to feel anything anymore. You know what I’m going through.”

  “You know what? I don’t think I do!”

  Zara snapped. “So whose fault’s that then?”

  “MINE I GUESS,” shouted Andi. “IT’S ALL MY FAULT! EVERYTHING’S ALWAYS MY BLOODY FAULT!”

  Zara stood up, finally losing her cool. “MAYBE I WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT!” she shouted. “MAYBE I NEEDED YOU TO KNOW!”

  Andi stepped backwards, thrown by the outburst. “Why? Because I’m such a shit wife, that doesn’t pay you any attention?”

  Zara’s bottom lip started to wobble. “It’s a cry for help. I’m lost, Andi. I don’t know who I am anymore.” She wiped away a tear.

  Andi had never seen Zara cry before. She stepped forwards and looked into her wife’s eyes, aware of a vulnerability for the very first time. “You’re crying? For fuck’s sake, Zara, why are you crying?”

  Zara started to sob. “It meant nothing. I love you, Andi. It was cheap and meaningless, and I thought you knew … but didn’t care.”

  Andi shook her head and reached around her wife’s shoulders, shaking her gently. “You’re my wife, Zara. Of course I’d care.”

  Zara stepped backwards, moving away from the concern. “Tell me then. Tell me what you know about my issues.”

  Andi thought quickly, confused by the twist of focus. “They think it might be the early menopause, or possibly your thyroid. You’re trying out different drugs to see if any improve your mood.”

  “But what’s the latest? What did they say last week?”

  Andi racked her brains. “You went in, didn’t you? You were going to get my results from that blood test they took as well. The one from my birthday.”

  “That’s right!” spat Zara, “let’s talk about you again.”

  Andi raised her hands in exasperation. “Oh come on! You just reminded me! Zara, we’ve both got so much on and we’ve been passing like ships in the night and-”

  “Save it!” snapped Zara. “It’s the same old story. Your life. Your issues. I’m left to fend for myself.”

  “Come off it! You’re the most independent woman I know!” Andi frantically fingered her short blonde hair, lost with the direction of the conversation.

  “Only because I have to be,” said Zara, sniffing away more emotion. “But if you’re interested all of a sudden, then I’ll tell you. They think it’s Dysthymia.”

  “What’s Dysthymia? Why haven’t you told me?”

  “You were busy.”

  “Zara, this isn’t fair! You should have talked to me about this.”

&nb
sp; She shrugged. “I’m telling you now. They think I may have this thing called Dysthymia. It’s a chronic form of depression where you have negative feelings and little enthusiasm for life.”

  “You don’t have depression!”

  “I’m just telling you what they said.”

  Andi frowned. “Is it common?”

  “They think around three per cent of the population has it.” Zara shrugged. “You lose your sense of enjoyment for life. Maybe I was trying to find it again with the affairs?”

  “Are you seriously trying to use that as a form of justification?” Andi shook her head. “Did it work? Did you get yourself off and get yourself back to normal?”

  Zara wiped away a tear. “I felt nothing.”

  “Oh for fuck’s sake, Zara! Why am I the one who’s feeling guilty?”

  “There’s some good news.”

  “What’s that?”

  “It’s treatable. I’ve got an appointment on Monday.” Zara took hold of Andi’s hand and guided her to the sofa. “Sit down and let me explain.”

  Andi was screaming inside, cursing herself for listening and believing, but she had no choice. “Fine,” she whispered, slowly lowering herself back onto the seat.

  Zara coughed and closed her eyes. “Let me get this right. Dysthymia is linked to a lack of Serotonin, which is a brain chemical that governs your mood. The lack of Serotonin is caused by an imbalance of Dopamine, which is another brain chemical. There’s a new type of anti-depressant out called Mirtazapine and when the doctors combine this with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, the results can be amazing.” She opened her eyes and smiled. “They can make me better, Andi. I won’t have to look for false highs anymore. All of that’s over with now. We’re going to be fine.”

  Andi dropped her head into her hands. “I don’t know what to think, Zara. I’m just so confused.”

  “I love you. I always have and I always will.”

  “So why would you betray me? Why would you do this with so many women?”

  Zara looked at Andi in earnest. “It’s not betrayal. It’s just a meaningless physical act. It’s a release.” She nodded. “I’ll stop it though, I promise. Please Andi, please tell me you understand.”

  Andi hugged her own shoulders. “I feel so alone.”

  Zara leaned in closely and rubbed Andi’s back. “For better, for worse. In sickness and in health. You married me for life, didn’t you? Isn’t that what you always say? Married for life?”

  Andi took in the enormity of Zara’s statement. “You’re right,” she whispered, trying to hold back the tears. “I married for life.”

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  Andi, Pippa, Janet and Elizabeth, were sitting around the large conference table in the Proud Unity media suite, watching on the wide screen television as the Equalities Minister, Maria Miller, spoke live from the Houses of Parliament. It was Tuesday December 11th, three days since the weekend of Segways and sex files, and Andi had been unable to think of anything else. On the one hand she had Pippa, declaring her love, offering her a chance at a life she had always dreamed of. A life where freedom and fun took precedence over routine and duty; but it was the duty and loyalty of the commitment she had made to her wife of seven years, that had forced her to listen when Zara was explaining and examining. Crikey, she’d even apologised at one point. Andi shook herself free of the dilemma and looked back at the screen.

  The UK’s Equalities Minister, Maria Miller, was getting into her stride. “Today we are setting out how the Government will extend marriage to same sex couples.”

  Andi and Pippa shared a glance.

  “It’s happening!” shouted Janet. “IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!”

  A high pitched yapping started from under the table.

  “It’s okay, Mimi,” hushed Elizabeth, leaning down and stroking the tiny Shih Tzu dog nestled closely into her feet. “Please don’t shout, Janet. Mimi doesn’t like shouting, do you Mimi?”

  “I’m going to shout! This is bloody HISTORIC!” wailed Janet. She stopped her fanfare and pointed at the ball of fluff under the table. “You shouldn’t have her at work anyway.”

  Elizabeth coughed. “I’ve told you. She’s poorly and I-”

  Andi interrupted them both. “Shhh!”

  All eyes were back on the television screen, watching Maria Miller continue her monumental speech in front of the green leather benches. She was talking clearly, coherently and with great confidence. “In each century, Parliament has acted - sometimes radically - to ensure that marriage reflects our society to keep it relevant and meaningful. Marriage is not static; it has evolved and Parliament has chosen to act over the centuries to make it fairer and more equal. We now face another such moment - another such chance in this new century.”

  Andi and Pippa glanced at each other once again. Pippa smiled widely. “It’s going through,” she whispered. “It’s actually going through!”

  Janet flicked up the volume on the remote, booming out Maria Miller’s statement. “For me, extending marriage to same-sex couples will strengthen, not weaken, that vital institution, and the response I am publishing today makes it clear that we will enable same-sex couples to get married though a civil ceremony.”

  Janet jumped up from the table and punched the air. “We’ve got it! WE’VE BLOODY GOT IT!” She raced around to Andi’s side of the table and shook her shoulders. “YOU’VE DONE IT!” She laughed. “WE’VE ALL DONE IT! All of the sane-minded people who’ve supported our fight, have DONE IT!”

  Elizabeth shushed Mimi’s loud yaps and nodded back at the screen. “She’s not finished yet.”

  “We will also enable religious organisations that wish to conduct same-sex marriages to do so, on a similar opt-in basis to that available for civil partnerships. That is important for the obvious reason that it would be wrong to ban organisations that wish to conduct same-sex marriages from doing so.”

  “THIS GETS BETTER!” shrieked Janet.

  Andi stayed silent; torn between the historic speech on the screen and Pippa’s misty eyes that were piercing her own, encouraging her thoughts, and suggesting the same: The battle is over. The work has been done. “It’s through,” said Andi in shock.

  “And you’ve played your part,” smiled Pippa. “We all have.”

  Andi turned back to the screen, trying to focus on the specifics of the bill’s quadruple lock where no religious organisation or individual minister would be forced to marry same-sex couples if they didn’t want to. “I’m not following this bit,” said Andi, frowning back down at her notes.

  “They’re banning the Church of England from getting involved,” nodded Elizabeth.

  “Serves them right!” laughed Janet. “They don’t want it? They’ve not got it!”

  Andi looked down at the Twitter feed on her laptop. “Look! The CofE have already started to complain about a blanket ban!”

  Janet bent down next to her and peered at the small screen. “Social media staggers me. The fact we can get real-time reaction from across the world in seconds is mind blowing.” She pointed at the screen and all the tweets that were scrolling past with the hashtag #CofE. “Look, there’s a vicar complaining!”

  Andi looked back at the television, checking that the red dot was still flashing. “Right, that’s recording. I’ll stay here with Pippa and formulate our response. I want you two to get down to the Houses of Parliament. There’ll be a real buzz going on down there and there are bound to be some members of the clergy hanging around. Get them interviewed and get their responses.” She nodded. “That’s where the real story’s going to be.”

  “We’ve got it though!” grinned Janet. “We’ve actually got it! Gay people will be able to get married!”

  “The MP’s do have to vote,” said Elizabeth.

  Janet nodded. “Yeah, and the majority will be huge! I’m betting at least 400 ayes.”

  Andi let herself laugh for the first time that morning. “It’s incredible.” She stretched out her arms. “
Come here you lot. We need a group hug!”

  Janet flung herself into Andi’s arms and Pippa jumped up from her chair, marching around the table with her thumbs up in victory. She joined in the cuddle and squeezed everyone tightly together. “Come on, Elizabeth,” she laughed, “we need you!”

  Elizabeth bent down to the floor and reached for Mimi, scooping her up and stroking her head. “You don’t want to get squashed, do you, Mimi?” She continued her cooing. “No you don’t, do you, Mimi? You want a walk though, don’t you? Get some fresh air. Yes you do, don’t you? Don’t you, Mimi?”

  Mimi snarled.

  Andi patted Pippa and Janet on the back. “Right! Stop squeezing, we’ve got work to do!”

  “Yes boss!” saluted Janet. “Then let’s go out on the lash!”

  “Tonight?” questioned Andi.

  “Yes!” wailed Pippa. “We have to! There’s so much to celebrate.”

  “I’m in! I’m in! We’re sorted! Plan’s been made!” Janet was excitedly gathering her belongings. “Let’s go and get some responses, send out our press statement, and then let’s bloody well party! If a group of lesbians can’t celebrate on a day like today, then we might as well just drop down dead!”

  Elizabeth coughed. “Rather dramatic, Janet. But please, remember I’m of the heterosexual variety.”

  “No sick notes for tonight’s party please!” laughed Janet.

  “It’s a party now?” smiled Andi, desperate to have the room to herself.

  “Perfect!” screeched Janet, completely overcome with giddiness from the announcement. “Let’s have an impromptu party at your house!”

  Andi opened the door for them to leave. “We’ll see,” she said, shooing them out. “Now go and do some work.”

  “WITH PLEASURE!” saluted Janet once more, maintaining her high.

  Andi listened to the sound of Mimi’s yapping trailing down the corridor. She closed the door and turned back to Pippa. “They’ve gone.”

  Pippa smiled and walked towards her. “I know,” she said, lifting her arms up and wrapping them around Andi’s shoulders. She held her gently and started to sway. “The battle’s over, Andi. There’ll be no more debate.”