Phoenix Resurrected

by Oliver T Spedding

  Garth nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “What are you going to do?” I asked.

  “It depends on what I inherit from my aunt.” Garth said. “If there’s enough cash I would like to start my own business. If not, I’ll have to find a job, especially if I inherit the house. There’ll be rates and taxes, water and electricity bills, insurance, food and the domestic to pay. I don’t really care what I do as long as it brings in enough money.”

  “Wow! Your own house at eighteen!” I said.

  Garth didn’t even smile.

  I was so excited when Mister Botha, the manager of the Checkers store in Rosettenville, eventually called me to tell me that my job application had been successful and that I could begin work in January of the following year. There was only one condition though: I had to pass my final year exams. I felt quite comfortable that I would graduate but nevertheless I decided to put an extra effort into my preparations for the exams, as, not only would passing my exams ensure me of a good and permanent job, it would also be a major step to getting out of my parent’s house. My salary wouldn’t be enough for me to do this immediately but the Checkers manager had promised me that if I worked diligently, a substantial increase in my salary would be forthcoming.

  Although my father no longer made any attempt to molest me sexually he continued to shout at me at every opportunity. He also refrained from assaulting me so often, although there were times when he lost his temper completely and punched me. Mostly though, he would raise his fist and then, with a great deal of self-control, lower it and walk away. My mother remained indifferent to the verbal abuse that was thrown at me by my father though. I began to realize that she was petrified of my father and in my eyes she began to get smaller and smaller. I had no sympathy for her and her predicament, just as I imagined she felt no sympathy for mine.

  I looked into the possibility of renting a small apartment but, although there were a few very tiny ones available that I could afford, the cost of furnishing it, paying for electricity and water and feeding myself made the move impossible. I resolved to be patient. The first thing that I would do when I received my increase would be to move out of my parent’s house. What I did do though, was to beginning collecting small items such as cutlery, crockery and household utensils. I was very careful though, to hide these articles in a cardboard box under my bed as I didn’t want my parents to know of my intension to leave. I did tell them about my upcoming job though.

  “Good.” my father said. “Now you’ll be able to start paying to live in my house. You’ve lived off my generosity for long enough.”

  “How much will I have to pay?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet.” my father replied. “Your mother and I will have to sit down and work out what you’re costing me. And, get this through your thick skull. Even though you’ll be paying to stay here, nothing will change. I’m still the head of this household and if you misbehave or get uppity, I’ll beat you to a pulp!”

  I tried not to let the importance of my exams fluster me. I studied diligently, trying to cover what I believed were the important parts in all my subjects and not focus on things that I hoped the examiner would ask about. I tried to imagine what questions the examiner would ask that would indicate that the students had indeed learnt their subjects. I also avoided talking to the other pupils in my class about the exams as they tended to make the exams far more important than they really were and this usually created pressure for me. I focused on the parts of my subjects that I believed were important and glossed over what I considered to be unimportant.

  To my great relief my tactics worked and most of the questions that the examiner asked fell within the areas that I’d focused on. When the results were published a week later I had passed all my subjects comfortably. The accounting job with Checkers was mine!

  I was glad to see that Garth Gilmore had also passed all his subjects. I knew that he had never had any difficulty with his studies and that he usually passed all his tests with the minimum of effort. Unlike all the other students who had graduated Garth showed no enthusiasm for his success. When I congratulated him on passing he simply shrugged his shoulders without even smiling.

  “So when do you start work?” he asked.

  “On the second of January.” I said. “What are you going to do?”

  “My aunt’s estate has finally been wound up and I’ve not only inherited the house, I’ve also inherited a nice sum of money.” Garth said. “So I’m going to start my own business. I don’t yet know what kind of business but I’m in no hurry. With the money I’ve now got I can afford to take some time off.”

  When I left the school to walk home that afternoon Garth was standing at the school gate.

  “Now that all this school nonsense is over I was wondering if you and I could get to know each other better.” he said. “I’ve always appreciated that you took the trouble to come to my parent’s funeral as well as my aunt’s funeral. None of my other so-called friends did. Do you think that you and I can be friends?”

  I looked at this big gangling boy in surprise. He had always been so shy and withdrawn in the presence of girls and I could see the effort that approaching me was costing him. I wondered if the fact that he was now a property owner with money had boosted his confidence.

  “That would be nice, Garth.” I said. “Starting a whole new way of life is going to be exciting and also quite daunting. It would be nice to have a friend to experience it with."

  ***

  “I hate living at home.” I said to Garth as we sat on the park bench after having had a cool drink at the nearby McDonald outlet. We had been seeing each other occasionally for two months but Garth was still very remote and withdrawn, despite the fact that he had suggested that we become friends. I had just begun to smoke cigarettes and was beginning to regret it. Garth had been smoking for well over four years now and it was obvious that he enjoyed it. I had tried several times to stop the habit but found it more difficult than I had imagined it would be, even though I smoked less than fifteen cigarettes a day.

  “The problem is that I can’t afford to leave home.” I said. “My salary’s great but it won’t cover the rent and all the other expenses that living on my own entails.”

  I had been working at Checkers for just over two months and was really enjoying the work. I had my own little office and my immediate boss, Misses Hawkins, was patient and eager to help me learn the various accounting systems. The main systems were wages, purchases, cash sales and stock levels and obviously they were all on computer. Our school hadn’t had computers and so I had spent a lot of time in the library using their computers so as to become computer-literate. I worked from eight in the morning to four thirty in the afternoon with an hour for lunch.

  My main function was to collect data and enter it into the various systems. Apart from my salary I also received special staff discounts on any goods that the supermarket chain sold. I was very proud of my job and also proud that I was beginning to get my life together after the trauma that I had experienced in my earlier life.

  “I could help you.” Garth said as he stubbed out his cigarette on the edge of the wooden bench. “I can easily afford to pay the rent for a flat for you.”

  “No, thanks, Garth.” I said. “I have to pay my own way through life and I would feel indebted to you and I’m determined never to be indebted to anyone if I can possibly help it. It's been bad enough feeling indebted to my parents for so long. It’s amazing how much better I feel now that I’m paying them to stay in the house.”

  “You’re paying your parents to stay in your own home?” Garth said, looking at me incredulously. “That’s shocking! You’re their only child and they make you pay to stay with them! I think that’s a disgrace!”

  I could see just how angry Garth was becoming. I tried to pacify him.

  “It’s not that unreasonable and I’m quite happy with it.” I said. “My father doesn’t earn much at the refinery where he works and beside
s, I don’t want to be indebted to them and I can’t leave home yet. It’s not a train smash.”

  Garth took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself. He lit another cigarette.

  “I still think it’s wrong.” Garth said. “So why don’t you come and live with me then? The house is much too big for one person.”

  I looked at Garth in astonishment.

  “Garth.” I said. “That’s crazy! We hardly know each other. We can’t simply start living together! Our relationship hasn’t progressed to living together! Also, as I said earlier, I’m determined to pay my own way through life. I’m not going to be indebted to anyone, especially so early in my adult life. And two eighteen-year-olds living together is just ridiculous! What do you think I am?”

  "But this is two thousand and six!” Garth exclaimed. “Not nineteen fifty six!”

  “Forget it, Garth. I’m not coming to live with you.” I said.

  We sat on the park bench in silence. I was astonished at Garth’s proposal. It was so unemotional and clinical, as if two people who hardly knew each other and had never even held hands, could simply begin living together was quite normal. I began to wonder what Garth’s emotional level was. In the short time that I’d known him I couldn’t remember him showing any emotion besides anger. Sure, he smiled and even laughed occasionally but it always seemed as if he was only laughing with his face and not with his soul. His eyes never seemed to show any emotion.

  Although my life was progressing along the route that I had planned, I was still plagued by my anger. The anger was directed mainly at myself although at the time I didn’t realize that, nor that it stemmed from my helplessness and ignorance during the time that my father had been abusing me. I constantly berated myself for not having stood up to him and refusing to be subjected to his lust. But deep down within me I knew that he was too strong and too clever for me to oppose.

  Obviously there was the fear of making him angry which would very likely end up in my being brutally assaulted. I had no doubt that by refusing to take part in the abuse I would have suffered severely. The fear that I had been forced to live with had been very debilitating, affecting my schoolwork, my relationship with other people and my self-image. I couldn’t stop accusing myself of being cowardly and weak.

  One of my most destructive habits to come out of my abuse was my fear of making other people angry. I seemed to freeze up when confronted by an angry person, quite incapable of defending myself in any way. I realized that this fear originated from my fear of my father’s anger but, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t accept that when other people became angry I was seldom to blame and that their anger was nothing for me to fear. Anger was a weakness and, apart from my father, people were unlikely to attack me or even direct their anger at me.

  My anger also caused me to belittle myself and I would punish myself for things that I did and didn’t do. Although I seldom physically hurt myself I did make myself suffer in other ways for the things that I’d done. This vindictiveness also surfaced when I felt that I had been wronged by others and even the smallest slight would cause me to look for some way to retaliate.

  I had often wondered at the time whether my father’s sexual abuse of me would harm my attitude towards sex at a later date. The experience had been frightening and unemotional and, because of my lack of knowledge of the subject and what was happening to me, I couldn’t imagine that sex could possibly be pleasurable. But as I became more aware of the opposite sex and learnt a little more about the sexual act I found myself getting excited and eager to learn about this mysterious act. And even though I’d vehemently rejected Garth’s proposal that I move into his house with him, the thought of living with a man stimulated and excited my imagination. I knew that, had I been three years older I would very likely have taken up Garth’s proposition.

  I soon found myself looking forward to seeing Garth and even went out of my way to ‘accidentally’ meet him. I knew that he spent most of his time at the Blue Tulip snooker saloon playing snooker and pinball with his three older friends so I occasionally walked past there during my lunch breaks. As the saloon had large windows facing onto the street that were covered with a gold transparent film that allowed those inside to see out into the street but prevented those outside from seeing into the games hall, I knew that sooner or later Garth would see me and hopefully come out to speak to me.

  The tactic worked well and I regularly met Garth there during my lunch breaks. Each time this happened there would be wolf-whistles, suggestive remarks and raucous laughter from inside the saloon. Eventually Garth took to waiting for me outside the saloon and walking back to Checkers with me after we’d had something to eat and drink at a small eatery nearby.

  The fact that I was now eighteen years old, working in a permanent job, and paying to stay in my parent’s house, didn’t change my father’s attitude towards me in the slightest. He continued to treat me with contempt and demanded that I continue to obey all his rules, many of which were obviously vindictive.

  “The fact is that you’re only eighteen years old.” he told me “And that means that you’re still a minor and I’m responsible for your well-being. Once you’re twenty one you’ll be classified as an adult and then you can do whatever you like. Hopefully you’ll leave my house and I’ll never see you again. Until then, you’ll do as I say!”

  My hatred for my father festered within me and no matter how hard I tried, I could not get rid of it. I couldn’t find it in me to forgive him for the things that he’d done to me in the past. I was still very scared of him. His quick unreasonable temper and his tendency towards violence as a solution kept me on tenterhooks whenever I was in his presence. It was obvious that he was constantly looking for fault with me and took every opportunity to be vindictive towards me. I could only imagine that this was because he no longer was able to sexually abuse me. There were many times when I caught him looking furtively at my body, and even when he saw that I had noticed, he didn’t have the decency to look away. The lust in his eyes was patently obvious.

  One day, while Garth and I were having lunch at a small corner café near the snooker saloon, he asked me to go to the movies and a meal with him on the coming Friday evening.

  “We can go to the early show at the movies and then have something to eat at McDonald’s afterwards.” he suggested. “Some of our old school friends will probably be there as well.”

  “Okay.” I said. “But I’ll have to confirm it with my father first. Even though I’m working and paying to stay in his house he still treats me like an infant.”

  Garth shook his head in amazement.

  “You’re eighteen years old and have a full time job.” he said. “Why don’t you just tell him to go to hell?”

  “You know that I can’t do that, Garth.” I said. “I can’t afford to get kicked out of his house and even if he doesn’t kick me out he’ll make my life pure hell if I challenge his authority.”

  “Well, my offer still stands.” Garth said. “Come and live with me.”

  “Garth.” I said. “We’ve gone through this before. I can’t just come and live with you. I’m only eighteen and by law my parents are responsible for me until I’m twenty one. Unless I get their permission to leave home I can’t do anything. And besides, we hardly know each other. We can’t just start living together. That would be ridiculous.”

  “Okay.” Garth said. “But will you come out with me on Friday night?”

  “Thank you, yes.” I said. “I can’t believe that my father could object to me going to the movies with you.”

  That evening my father came home earlier than usual from drinking at his club and, although he was obviously drunk, I took the opportunity to ask his permission to go to the movies with Garth on the coming Friday evening.

  “Who’s Garth Gilmore?” he asked, staring at me with a forkful of food poised halfway to his mouth.

  “He’s a friend that I was at school with.” I replied. “He lives in his aunt’s hous
e in Tjikati Street.”

  “Is he still at school?” my father asked.

  “No.” I said. “He left at the same time as I did.”

  “What’s he doing now?”

  “He inherited his aunt’s house and some money when she died last year.” I said. “He’s planning to start his own business.”

  My father put the forkful of food into his mouth and stared at me as he chewed. I stared back at him.

  “We’re thinking of going to the early show and then having something to eat at McDonald’s.” I said. “So I won’t be home very late and it’s Friday night so I don’t have to go to work the next day.”

  “If you’re going to the early show then it means that you’ll be out of the movie house by eight o’clock.” my father said. “Then you’ll be going to McDonald’s for a hamburger. So, I want you back here by nine o’clock at the latest.”

  “But it’s Friday night.” I said. “We’ll probably meet some of our old school friends at McDonald’s and it would be nice to sit and chat with them. McDonald’s doesn’t serve alcohol or allow alcohol on their premises so it’s not as if we’re going to do anything wrong. Can’t we make it ten o’clock, please?”

  “No!” my father said, glaring at me. “I want you back here by nine o’clock. I don’t trust you or this Garth fellow. And if you’re late there’ll be hell to pay!”

  Garth came to our house at about five thirty. My father had not yet returned from work and my mother was busy in the kitchen. I wanted to introduce Garth to her but she said that she was busy. We left the house and walked to the movie house. Throughout the movie Garth held my hand and when the movie finished we walked along the pavement to McDonald’s holding hands. It was such a lovely sensation to feel recognized and wanted.

  “If there’s nobody at McDonald’s that we know when we get there, let’s buy some hamburgers and chips and take them back to my house.” Garth said. “I’ll make some coffee and we can sit in the kitchen and talk. I’d also like to have a few beers and I can’t do that at McDonald’s.