Soul Seeking

by R. Michael Card

  He gave a soft laugh. “No, you don’t need a man to help you with anything do you?”

  She didn’t.

  But…

  Then why had those words stung. He was stating what he saw in her, a confident independent woman. His words had had no malice in them, but they hurt all the same. As much as it was true she didn’t need anyone, she already knew that it was nice to have… friends around. That’s what Barami was.

  She didn’t need a man, no.

  But Jais wasn’t a bad man to have around, either.

  That image of the two of them fighting side by side returned to her. She swept it out of her mind.

  No, that wasn’t what she wanted. Her soul constricted at the thought.

  No.

  She wouldn’t let anyone get too close, not anymore.

  She softly but sternly said words which cut her to say, “No, Jais. You are right. I don’t need anyone. We’ll be moving on soon enough, and all I want from you is a child. Thank you for agreeing. It means a lot to me.”

  He sighed heavily. “And when you go, what will there be for me?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “This has been — well not fun, but this fighting…” He drew in a long breath. “I feel like I’m finally being myself for the first time in my life. This all feels… natural. Defending people and fighting monsters. That’s strange I know, but…”

  No, it wasn’t strange, it was exactly how she felt; more at home in a fight than at most other places.

  But, Jais was no adventurer. He may have longed for a fight, longed to venture away from his home, but he didn’t really know what that meant. There are few who truly do. What it means to leave behind those you love for long periods; risk never seeing family and friends again. She’d never wanted to have this life. It had been forced on her, and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

  “It’s who you are,” she said softly. It’s who we are. “But you will have to go back to your life after this. Trust me there is no ‘adventure’ out in the world. Only the pain of being away from those you love.”

  “Oh,” he said. “Oh.”

  Then Barami was returning with supplies and tending to them both. First to Jais and his myriad wounds, then to her and the few light injuries she’d sustained. Though Caerwyn wasn’t sure she needed the bandage on her arm. The cut was not deep and would heal quick enough. What did it matter if she had another scar? But she had no strength to fight Barami.

  Jais rose.

  “I should go and find some way to tell Alnia about this.” He sighed. “There is a lot I need to tell her.” He turned back to them with a nod, then was off.

  Caerwyn watched him go.

  “Well that was awkward,” Barami said quietly.

  Caerwyn had to laugh. “Oh? I hadn’t noticed.”

  Barami grunted. “He’s a good enough lad.”

  “You’ve come around?”

  He looked at her then, those dark eyes intense. “You deserve only the best.” But then perhaps having said too much he looked away. “I’m glad he’ll give you what you need.”

  “Me too,” she said with a sigh. “Gods, but I need a rest.”

  Another grunt from Barami was the only response.

  12

  Jais’ mind spun, as he made his way toward the Ox and Axe and the center of Klasten’s Green. The sun was high, just past midday, and he was dressed like a nobleman. The merchant, as upset as he’d been about this shop, had been thankful that Jais had fought off the kroll, keeping the damage to what it was. So thankful, he’d gifted to Jais the sword he’d used in the fight. Jais had tried to return it, but Master Ambrast had insisted he keep it and even given him the scabbard and a new finely tailored shirt as well.

  Jais was still exhausted. So much had happened in the last short while it was still all just settling in for him. The fight, Caerwyn’s request, everything seemed so immediate and… big.

  He grimaced.

  How in the Deepest Shadows of Holn would he ever ask Alnia if he could…? He couldn’t even say the words to himself.

  He sighed. Gods he was worn out. But there was still so much to do, and while he knew he looked impressive in his new clothes, his insides were all a jumble with confusion and uncertainty.

  When he’d been with Alnia the other night, it had been an expression of their feelings, something shared and intimate. He wasn’t certain he could just… do that… with Caerwyn like a business transaction. That seemed somehow wrong. She’d made it quite clear that she had no feelings for him. He could see she didn’t need him… or anyone else in her life.

  So how could he go through with this? How could he even talk to Alnia about this? His tongue was dry, no words in his mind.

  He was about to turn around to go back and tell Caerwyn he couldn’t do it, when a voice called out his name.

  He couldn’t place the voice until he turned around and saw Alnia’s father, Samuar Miller.

  “Jais.” The man hurried over. He was wearing his heavy apron, his work clothes, not the finery he often wore to village events. “I know the mill is gone, but it can be rebuilt. Thank you for your bravery. I think that’s all that allowed us to get away.”

  Jais was touched and a bit uplifted by the comment. He’d always dreamed of being a hero, of saving others and fighting monsters. It only really sunk in, at that moment, that that’s exactly what he’d done today.

  “You’re most welcome, Master Miller. I am glad I could help.”

  The man laughed with a bit of surprise. “You did more than that. And look at you now! You are the proper vision of a hero, and one from our little town.” Samuar beamed. Jais was uncertain what to say to that. Before he could say anything the other man went on. “I think I was wrong about you, my boy. I had thought… well… seeing you with Alnia I didn’t think you a good match for her, but perhaps I was wrong. If you’re willing to risk your life to save myself and my family…” The man shrugged. “I’m sorry I misjudged you. If you are interested in formally courting Alnia, I think perhaps that could be arranged. If that goes well perhaps you two could be betrothed at the harvest festival.”

  Jais’ lack of words changed to stunned silence. The thought of being betrothed to Alnia before the end of the year…

  This certainly was a turn about from the dour looks the man had thrown Jais’ way before today.

  Jais found some words, though he could only stammer them out. “I… think that… would be great! Thank you. It would be an honor… my honor.”

  The other man clasped his shoulders with a nod before embracing him. Jais winced as the man’s arms pressed on the cuts on his back. Samuar let him go, still beaming. “I’ll set it all up, don’t you worry.”

  Jais nodded.

  “Would you like to tell ‘Nia, or should I?” Samuar asked.

  Jais’ request to her about Caerwyn now seemed even more awkward. “I will. I need to speak with her anyway.”

  “Great! I’ll see you later then.”

  Samuar was off, heading back toward the mill.

  Jais didn’t know which direction to go. He was suddenly even more conflicted than he had been before that talk.

  Was he a hero? Sure he certainly looked like some valiant knight — without the armor — at the moment. He had defeated monsters in defense of his village, saving lives. He’d done heroic things, but… he didn’t feel like a hero. He still felt scared and uncertain and… himself. And… if he was going to be betrothed and eventually marry Alnia, could he still be a hero? Did heroes have wives? Perhaps, but usually, in the tales he’d heard, it was some princess they found and settled down with when their ‘heroing’ days were over.

  Was he done being a hero now? Did he want that? He honestly couldn’t answer the question. On the one side, it would certainly make things less scary and more peaceful. He didn’t want to have to charge at monsters. He knew he’d escaped death and serious injury only barely today — a couple of times. There would always be the risk of such things if
he was off being a hero, the risk one day he might not come back to his wife. He’d only survived today because there had been other heroes around to help.

  What if Caerwyn and Barami weren’t here? Someday soon they wouldn’t be. What then? Who’d help him then? But… on the other side, the rush of battle, and the camaraderie of fighting alongside great men and women to defend the weak and innocent was what he’d always wanted. He wouldn’t be able to do that if he stayed, if he was bonded. He’d probably end up taking over his uncle’s job as a hunter and woodsman. That wouldn’t be a bad profession, but it wouldn’t be the same as adventuring and being a true hero.

  He didn’t know what he wanted. He needed to talk to someone.

  He set off purposefully toward the Ox and Axe… and made it only three steps before stopping sharply.

  Who could he talk to? He didn’t have a close friend to confide in. His aunt and uncle had their own desires for him; they would not be impartial if he asked them such things. None of the boys in the village were true friends, just men of a similar age who respected his strength enough not to test it. Most of them had beaten him up as a kid. They only respected him now because he could fight back. They weren’t real friends. Who did that leave? The village girls? The girls might give him a willing ear, but he thought them more likely to run and tell someone of his deepest worries than help him with them. That left Alnia. He trusted her. But part of his concerns were about her? Could she be that objective? Did he have another choice?

  Caerwyn and Barami?

  Maybe just Barami.

  He spun around and headed back to where he’d left the two.

  The aging warrior was sitting next to the semi-demolished merchant’s shop tending to some nicks in his sword. Caerwyn wasn’t around.

  “Can we talk?” Jais said crouching next to the man.

  “We are both able to do so, yes. I am often not inclined to do so at length, however.”

  Jais wasn’t really sure what that meant and took it as an affirmative. “I talked to Alnia’s father. We’re going to be betrothed.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “Thank you, but…” What exactly was his question? “I don’t know if I want to?”

  “That’s not a proper question.”

  “No.” This wasn’t going as he’d hoped. He just spoke his thoughts. “I’ve enjoyed learning to fight and helping fend off these krolls. It’s exciting, and working with you and Caerwyn makes me feel more… at home, than anything else I’ve ever done. And yet, it’s dangerous work, and I’ve already taken more injuries these last few days that I think I have my entire life, certainly more serious injuries. I know this is dangerous, and I don’t think I could honestly do it if I were bonded. I’d be putting myself too much at risk. So what do I do? Do I not get married and go off and be a hero? Or do I give this all up for a loving wife and family and all that?”

  Barami grunted.

  That wasn’t a helpful response, but Jais waited in case there was more.

  After a moment Barami elaborated. “What we do, Caer and I, is not ‘being heroes’.”

  Jais waited for more, but it didn’t seem to be coming. “What do you do? What would you call it?”

  “We walk. We hunt. We search for more of… your kind. That’s it.”

  “But you’re fighting here?”

  Barami only now looked up from the work of smoothing out his blade, stopping his slow repetitive hand motion. “To save you. To save them.” He nodded out toward the town. “Not because we want to. Not because it’s fun. Because we are the best able.”

  “Some would call you heroes.”

  “They can call us what they wish.”

  “Your life certainly seems more interesting than mine… than living some normal life with a family and wife.”

  “More interesting… perhaps. Better? I am not so sure.”

  “Would you have a wife if you could?”

  Now Barami looked away, beginning the slow motion of his work once again. It took him a long time to answer. “Yes.”

  Jais sat back on his haunches and sighed. So even this warrior would choose a safe life if he had the choice. Perhaps he’d seen too much battle? But Jais had hardly seen any. Would it be enough for him? He’d have a few tales to tell his kids. Not many, but they’d be good ones.

  “So I should get bonded and forget this life?”

  Barami shrugged. “Your choice, not mine.”

  That didn’t help.

  “But you would if you had the chance?”

  “Yes.”

  Jais nodded. “Thank you.” He rose and turned to go when Barami spoke again. “You still going to help Caerwyn with her… request?”

  Yes, that.

  What an interesting conversation that would make: hello Alnia, we’re to be bonded and I’m going to give up being a hero for you. Do you mind if I lay with another woman first? She’d really appreciate it.

  Yet he still responded with, “I will.” He’d consider it at least. The two of them had done far too much for him not to, as awkward as it would make his life.

  13

  Jais found Alnia with her family at the Ox and Axe. She caught sight of him and left her mother and siblings to come to him.

  “Can we talk, outside?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  Once they were out in the glorious noonday sun he felt a little enlivened. “Your father came to me. He said we can court each other, formally.”

  “Jais, that’s wonderful!” Her good humor quickly died away. She looked into his eyes, her clear green eyes cautious, concerned. “Jais. I saw you fighting and it was…”

  He enfolded both of her hands in his. “Yes, about that.”

  “I thought you were dead,” she whispered. He could feel her hands trembling. She was so fragile, like a leaf. “That… that thing landed on you, and I thought… but then you…”

  He’d lifted the dead weight of a twelve foot tall creature off himself and thrown it to the side. He still couldn’t quite believe that himself. He had no idea how he could explain it to Alnia.

  He sighed. He had a lot of explaining to do. This would have to come before he spoke to her about Caerwyn.

  “I’m different,” he said softly. He glanced around, but they were out in the open not far from the front of the inn. He didn’t want to talk here. “Come, let’s go somewhere a little more private.”

  She nodded, and he led her around to the alley between the tavern and the baker’s shop.

  His words from a moment ago must only have sunk in now for she said, “Different?”

  Once again he took her hands in his.

  He didn’t speak for a long moment as he debated what he would say.

  All his life… well his adult life, since he and Alnia had come of age at roughly the same time, the two of them had had a bond. Somehow he had always known he would be with her. But how could that happen now that he was… something else? He considered telling a falsehood. Perhaps he could claim that the gods had helped him in that moment and that’s how he’d lifted that thing. Yet lying to her didn’t seem right. If he was going to share his life with her it couldn’t be based on a lie. Last night she’s shown him the true depths of her feelings for him. She’d been truly open, giving herself to him. Now he needed to be just as open. He was what he was, and if he was going to be with her, she needed to know.

  His pulse pounded in his ears drowning out all sound but his voice and hers. This was it. He had to tell her the truth. “I don’t get hurt as easily as most people.” That was an easy way to start.

  She only blinked at him, uncomprehending.

  “I heal faster than anyone here and can run faster as you saw. I am far stronger than even I thought I was, and seem to have a natural affinity for battle and hunting. My senses are sharper than most peoples. I can see in the dark better than most.” He lowered his voice for the next part. This was the true test of how she felt about him. Would she react well? “Alnia, I’m drahksani.”


  Her eyes went wide, and he saw a flash of fear in them. But she didn’t pull away or try to run. Instead that fear turn quickly to confusion. “Drahksani?” She lowered her voice. “The demon spawn?”

  “No, Alnia. It means that I have the blood of dragons in me. It’s not evil at all. It’s… it’s like a sword. A sword isn’t evil, but instead can be used by men of good intentions or bad. You don’t think me evil do you?”

  “No of course not. But…”

  “I’m not, Alnia. You know me. I just have abilities. What I do with them… well you’ve seen what I do with them. Was fighting those things evil?”

  She shook her head, but still seemed confused. She looked down, her thoughts heavy perhaps.

  “I know there are lots of terrible things said about drahksani, and before now I believed them too, but then I found out I was one and what I could do. I’m still the same as I was before. I have the same good heart. A heart that… loves you, Alnia.”

  Looking up at him she blinked. Slowly through the fog of fear and uncertainty, he saw the light return to her eyes.

  She smiled. “Yes, of course. I know you’re not evil Jais. And… I… love you to.”

  He smiled with her. With a quick look around he lowered his voice again. “But you have to be careful how much you speak of this or how openly. This is a secret of mine you cannot tell anyone, ever, not even your father or family.”

  “No one?”

  “No. It would put me in danger. Others may not be so easily swayed. They may judge me harshly, no matter what I’ve done to help the village.” He was whispering but lowered his voice even further, drawing her closer. “People feared the drahksani so much they hunted us down. That is why you can never tell anyone, otherwise my life — the life I want with you — would be in danger.”

  “Oh! Jais that’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

  “I am trusting you with this because I know we were meant to be together, Alnia.”

  “Together, yes. Your secret is safe with me.”