Marry Him_The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough

by Lori Gottlieb

  “It’s frustrating,” she told me, “because it’s hard to meet people. I wake up, go to work, go to the gym, pick up some dinner, and go home. There’s online dating, but the best way to meet people is through fix-ups, and people used to fix me up a lot, but nobody’s fixed me up lately.”

  Hmm. I wonder why.

  Annie, who said she’d learned from her first marriage what’s important, but had trouble putting it into practice, never did go out on the setup with the corporate lawyer whose Facebook profile she found boring. Instead, she accidentally got pregnant by a slacker boyfriend who was neither “corporate” nor “boring.” He instantly bailed, and now, at 35, she’s a single mom.

  Lauren was touched when her ex-boyfriend—the one she sometimes found annoying even though he was “emotionally exactly what I wanted”—came over to comfort her when she got news that her mother’s cancer had taken a turn for the worse. But as soon as he brought over an aromatherapy candle with a slightly blackened wick, Lauren lost all interest.

  “It’s the worst object to regift in the world,” she said. “Nothing looks more previously used than a candle. It’s funny because he can do something like that, and then text me to remind me to take care of myself, take long walks, and listen to my iPod. He genuinely cares. He’s just a complete idiot about getting all the basic dating stuff straight. A moron, in fact.”

  She’s still wondering if any of that matters.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  If dating requires a lot of moral support, so does writing a book about dating. My happily married agent, Liv Blumer, wisely hooked me up with the happily married Trena Keating at Dutton, who believed in this project from the moment she read the Atlantic article. Trena is that uncommon combination of very smart and very patient, and she always spent way too much time on the phone with me whenever I had a question, personal or professional. Then she left to become an agent, but continued to spend way too much time on the phone with me, for which I’m enormously grateful.

  Meanwhile, as luck would have it, the happily married Carrie Thornton came on board as my new editor. With the efficiency of a surgeon and the empathy of a gal pal, Carrie read through the ridiculously disorganized mass of pages I’d typed out, made me turn them into a coherent first draft in the span of three weeks, and confessed that she could completely relate to my not wanting to date a guy who was 5’5”. (I should mention that Carrie is 5’10”, so there’s still no excuse for me.) She also respected my “no bullet points, no worksheets, and no pink” philosophy, and in return, I promised never to use the phrase “cheesy relationship book” again.

  The entire team at Dutton has been amazing. Brian Tart has been “on it” in the best possible way. Monica Benalcazar in the art department came up with a super-cool cover, bow tie and all. Lily Kosner expertly handled innumerable important tasks behind the scenes, juggling multiple balls in the air and never dropping a single one. And Amanda Walker and Liza Cassity wrote a pitch letter that still makes me laugh out loud.

  While I was off talking to people about dating, going on actual dates, and trolling online dating sites, Aaron Kaczander carefully transcribed my interviews, while Susanna Stossel and Hilary McClellen provided me with top-notch research assistance. Andrea Siegel has a freakishly encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture, and her analysis of mass media was impressive and helpful.

  The following people were kind of enough to take time out of their busy lives to read the manuscript and offer feedback: Daisy Beatty, Kathy Crutcher, Rachel Greenwald, Lynn Harris, Sarah Haufrecht, Rebekka Helford, Justine Isola, Hilary Liftin, Claire Lundberg, Eve Maremont, Wendy Miller, Scott Stossel, and Kyle Smith. For their insight, humor, and commiseration, I can’t thank them enough.

  Anat Baron did me the favor of telling me to write from my heart, no matter how unflatteringly I might come off; and reminded me that while hope might sell, the truth is life-changing. “People need to hear the truth,” she told me late one night after I’d gone to that disastrous speed dating event.

  I’m grateful to all of my friends and acquaintances, male and female, married and single, who allowed me to quote them in this book and who shared their experiences with remarkable honesty, no matter how mortifying or personal the information. Likewise to all the people I sought out for interviews and who took a leap of faith by revealing all to a complete stranger. I thank them for their candor and trust. It’s not easy to tell a journalist the things that even your spouse or significant other doesn’t know.

  It couldn’t have been easy for my mom and her friends to sit down with me and a tape recorder on the coffee table and talk about their marriages. I’m so glad I was able to include their thoughts and stories in this book.

  I owe a lot to Evan Marc Katz for telling it like it is, even if it took me a while to hear it. As he put it: “I’m not going to tell you it’s easy. I will, however, tell you that it’s worth it.”

  Many experts in various fields gave me generous amounts of their time and wisdom: Paul Amato, Dan Ariely, Myles Berkowitz, Michael Broder, Lisa Clampitt, John Curtis, Paul Eastwick, Julie Ferman, Eli Finkel, Helen Fisher, Lina Fruzzetti, Gian Gonzaga, Rachel Greenwald, Scott Haltzman, Martie Haselton, Diane Holmberg, Ben Karney, Jayamala Madathil, Howard Markman, Steven Martin, Susan Page, Jody Podolsky, Edna Pollin, Helena Rosenberg, Barry Schwartz, Jeff Simpson, Marion Solomon, and Rabbi David Wolpe. I hope I did them justice in this book.

  Bob Gumer helped me choose between more than “good enough” suitors for the movie adaptation by guiding me into the capable hands of Tobey Maguire and Polly Johnsen at Warner Brothers.

  Several people at the Atlantic, past and present, have been tremendously supportive over the years, not to mention fun to kibitz with, particularly Toby Lester, Scott Stossel, Elizabeth Shelburne, and Kathy Crutcher. The super-talented Sage Stossel was generous enough to draw the cartoon for Part 1. And special thanks to Ben Schwartz for being brave enough to assign me the “Marry Him” piece in the first place.

  I’d also like to express my gratitude to any friends who are still willing to set me up on a date after reading this book. I swear, I’ve changed.

  Finally, the most important thanks go to my amazing son, Zachary Julian, who always understood when I posted a sign on my door that read, “Mommy’s working.” For this I owe him many hours of “playing construction workers.” The greatest joy of my life, he has taught me more about what love really means than any expert ever could.

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