by Poppy Flynn
In its own way, her agreement with Micah was just as service related. He didn't want the strings of a committed relationship, for his own reasons, and it was awkward for him to scene at the club, since he was the manager. So, she met his physical needs occasionally and that, in return, fed into her own desire to serve. It worked for them because they were both open and honest and on exactly the same page. And because, despite their friendly relationship, there was not an ounce of sexual chemistry between them.
That wasn't to say that they couldn't please each other, because that was far from true. Micah was a skilled and attentive lover and he could reach just far enough inside her psyche to hone into the things that made her feel not only needed but also appreciated. There was simply no spark between them at all. Their time together was really quite clinical and unemotional. They brought each other pleasure, and then they walked away. It was an odd arrangement, and maybe not one that a lot of people would understand, but it worked perfectly for them. There was no drama or jealousy when one of them scened with somebody else or took on a client or a trainee. There was simply a mutual appreciation when they were together and acceptance when they were not. It gave each of them exactly what they needed without the danger of attachment and, for the both of them, each in their different way, that was a significant attraction. Sadly, maybe the biggest one they shared. But the truth was, for both of them, sometimes there was just a straightforward physical need for a little human contact and connection. That they could find those things with each other, safely and satisfactorily, without the necessity of trawling for hook-ups or dodging bullets if things went wrong, was a real bonus.
Trinity peeled Micah's roving fingers away from where they spread across her upper midriff and lower abdomen. There was a time and a place, after all. And in her office with the door unlocked was not it.
"Fine," she agreed. "When are you free next?" Since they both worked on each other's day off, there was never an evening when they were both off together, unless it was one of the nights the club was closed, and that was less and less often now that training classes were in full swing.
"Sunday," Micah growled, nibbling on her ear regardless of her obvious attempts to pull away. "And stop trying to avoid me or I'll put you over my knee right now."
Trinity just laughed outright. "That no intercourse clause in your trainee sub contract really must be putting a strain on you," she teased.
"Too right!" Micah grumbled. "Do you have any idea how difficult my job is sometimes?"
"My heart bleeds for you, Sir." Trinity stressed the honorific with good-natured mockery.
"Brat!" Micah growled.
Trinity laughed all the harder. If there was one thing she most certainly was not, it was a brat.
Chapter 2
Sitting in her quiet apartment the following day, Trinity tried to put her finger on exactly what was unsettling her recently. She was pretty sure she knew, of course. She'd just been trying to deny the implication.
After all this time, she didn't like knowing that Christian still had the ability to turn her life upside down. But the truth was that circumstances had transpired which had found her talking about him, more than once, just lately, when other submissives had come to her asking for advice.
First, there had been Luanna Morgan. She had been struggling with the concept of the submissive lifestyle and had been ready to run, to throw away the relationship she had been building with Logan Thornton. Trinity cast her mind back to that interlude…
She had stopped in the doorway of the suspension room while performing her preliminary evening checks and walked in on what was clearly a rather awkward silence.
"Good evening, Master Baku,"
"Good evening, Trinity," Logan smiled politely, but Trinity had been aware of the look the woman he was with slanted him, from the corner of her eyes, at the honorific.
"I'd like you to meet my companion, Luanna." Logan gestured toward the woman. "Luanna, this is Trinity. She's the club assistant manager."
Trinity had smiled and inclined her head but didn't make any move to shake hands. "Nice to meet you, Luanna. I hope you're enjoying your tour."
Luanna returned the greeting, but Trinity quickly realized that Logan's friend didn't understand the way the feeling in the room had shifted to a distinct deference toward Logan and could tell that it made her uncomfortable. Thankfully, Logan dealt with that.
"I wouldn't normally introduce you by your given name, but since Trinity deals with the administrative side of things, she would know your details anyway. Many members and guests choose to use a pseudonym for the sake of anonymity. I am mostly known as Master Baku, though, admittedly, that's a name given to me rather than chosen. It comes from the word kinbakushi or 'bakushi' in its shortened form, which is one of the titles given to a rope master."
Sensing that the equilibrium within the room had evened somewhat, Trinity had passed on the message she had been sent with. "Master Micah has requested a moment of your time, Master Baku. Perhaps I could be of some assistance to Luanna while you are indisposed?"
"Thank you, Trinity," Logan had acknowledged, though she could see he was torn. "I'll be as quick as I can."
Luanna, however, had been all but bristling at the exchange and was clearly struggling with the lifestyle-imposed hierarchy.
"You're not happy," Trinity observed as Logan left the room.
Luanna laughed humourlessly. "I was hoping it wasn't that obvious."
"Maybe I can help you feel more at ease. Aside from being the assistant manager here, I've worked as a club sub for a long time now."
"That means nothing to me, Trinity. I have no idea what a 'club sub' is. I guess that's half the problem. I don't know enough about any of this."
Trinity had observed Luanna carefully then closed the door to the suspension room and indicated a large, comfortable chaise longue, which doubled as both bed and aftercare provision in order to keep extraneous furnishings to a minimum.
"A club sub is an experienced submissive, usually unattached, who chooses to help out around the club," she informed as she curled up in the corner of the seat, her body angled toward Luanna. "Anything from supporting new members, answering questions, helping out in demonstrations or escorting out of town guests, to being available for scenes or dungeon monitor duties. I know how daunting it can be to come into the lifestyle from a position of ignorance."
"Do you, though, do you really?" Luanna queried earnestly, as she perched primly on the edge of the low-slung couch.
Trinity had considered the other woman carefully. It was plain to see that Luanna was struggling and Trinity had sensed that she was close to bolting.
Of all the owners, she was incredibly fond of Logan. He was dependable, honourable, and consistent. You always knew exactly where you stood with him and, above all, he really, truly cared about all of the subs he encountered, whether in scenes or just within the club in general. Unlike some of the Doms who could sometimes come across as arrogant or imperious, Logan was a gentle soul. They had scened together many times in the past, far too many to count, but they had never had sex. He was one of those Doms who truly understood BDSM on a more spiritual level. There were plenty who indulged in their thrills and expected intercourse as the finale. She didn't blame them; that was the norm. None of them would push the issue, because they were all still good, decent men who abided by the stringent codes of practice, but Logan, more than anyone else she knew, had the ability to separate the two with a far more intellectual insight. He deserved a little happiness, and if Trinity could help with that, then she was more than willing to give it a try, even if it meant opening up a little more of herself than she would normally consider. And that was exactly what she had done, although, in retrospect, she had ended up disclosing far more than she had planned. Maybe she had just needed to get Christian off her chest, after all this time.
"I rarely discuss my own journey into the lifestyle," she had disclosed quietly. "Only Micah knows the gist
of it, and, only then, because he's the psych profiler."
"Please." Luanna held up a hand to stop her. "I don't want you to tell me anything you're not comfortable with. If you say you know how I feel, then I believe you."
In that moment, Trinity knew without a doubt that she really liked Logan's Luanna. Most other people would have been hanging onto her every word with baited curiosity, impatient to hear the story they knew was there, but which she never mentioned. The fact that Luanna hadn't done that had made it easier to tell and Trinity had found it all tumbling out.
"When I was seventeen, I met a man whom I fell very deeply in love with. I was young and impressionable and foolish." Trinity had sighed and lost herself, looking far back into the past.
"He was a little older than I was and didn't want a relationship. He had all kinds of reasons and I acknowledged and accepted each and every one of them. And at the time, even I knew I was too young for him."
Luanna had stayed quiet and just let Trinity speak.
"We became good friends. Close friends. For almost two years, we were mates—drinking buddies, dinner companions, event escorts."
"When I was nineteen, I guess he decided I was old enough, mature enough, to take things further, and instead of being just friends, we became 'friends with benefits.' As naïve as I was, I took it to be a sign that he was ready to move things forward, even though he was completely up front about the fact that he still wasn't ready for a relationship."
Luanna had been an excellent listener; she just sat back on the chaise and made herself comfortable but made no comment, simply maintaining a companionable silence that encouraged Trinity to talk.
"For almost three and a half years, we maintained that same 'non' relationship. I made myself available to his every beck and call. I loved him so very much and I thought that if I was everything he wanted me to be, if I left him alone when he wanted his privacy, if I didn't pressure him with my own desires, if I played it cool and let things trip along just the way they were, then one day he'd realise that we were actually in a relationship, even if he hesitated to call it one."
Trinity remembered how she had curled her bare feet up underneath her, felt her eyes shimmering with moisture at the remembered hurt, even after all these years, but she'd continued her story.
"The day he said he had something to tell me was the day I thought he'd finally realized that we were something more than just fuck buddies. It had been over three years, after all."
Luanna had frowned then and bit her lip, and Trinity knew her new friend was worried that she was about to break down. Instead, she had hardened her heart and used the resentment and indignation, reactions she still felt to this day, to chase off the pain and finish her sorry tale.
"Instead, he told me that he had met someone. Not just met someone, he was getting engaged. This man, who had so many reasons for not wanting a relationship, who I had given so many years of my life to in the hope of eventually receiving something more, was calling to tell me he was marrying somebody else. Just like that."
Trinity had laughed bitterly. Yeah, there was still a lot of that inside her. She'd never really let it go.
"He told me that I was special, that we'd always be the closest of friends, and I believed that, too, for a while. Grasping at straws maybe. Anyhow, his new fiancée didn't like that idea. After all those years of being by his side, of never being acknowledged as anything more than a friend, he didn't even bother inviting me to his wedding. Not that I would have gone, I don't suppose. No. That would have been too much of a torture," she mused quietly as if she were talking to herself. "There I was, in limbo, after all. No official break-up because we'd never been an official couple, no provocation, no furious argument or bitter words. No big fight to get my teeth into and ease my heartache with some justifiable anger, where I could vent my frustration and play the woman scorned. No packing up the parts of our lives that had overlapped, because there were none. No friends coming over to see if I was okay or to cheer me up. No closure. Just nothing. So many years of my life, all boiled down to…nothing.
Trinity had been silent then, for a moment, before she shook her head and looked at Luanna with something akin to surprise at just how much she had revealed.
"Sorry, I digress, I didn't mean to go quite so far into it." She frowned. "Maybe I just needed to get it off my own chest. You're a good listener, Luanna."
"But back to the point." She took a deep breath. "The reason he gave for marrying this woman was that they were so in tune with each other, physically, emotionally, spiritually. She was into BDSM. She mirrored his sexual needs, his need for kink. Needs he'd never even bothered to mention to me, even though we'd been lovers for years...I felt so damn inadequate, even though I'd never been allowed the opportunity to prove otherwise. I'd been a virgin, after all, and everything I knew about sex, I'd learned from him. But I hadn't been enough of anything to him, for him to bother teaching me what he needed in return."
Trinity had closed her eyes, inhaled a long, deep breath then let it out slowly. It really had felt as if she were physically purging herself.
"Anyway," she added, matter-of-factly, turning her eyes to Luanna. "The upshot was that I decided to find out for myself exactly what it was that I'd been thrown over for. It was scary, exploring this lifestyle on my own with no one to bounce my fears and trepidation off. To try and work out if this was something I was exploring for myself, or if I it was something I was doing because, subconsciously, I thought it would make me more attractive to a man who, despite everything, I was still in love with. Thank God for Master Micah!"
She levelled a serious look at Luanna. "If you have doubts of any kind, you should talk to Micah. He helped me to see that I have an inherently passive and compliant personality and that was why I had allowed myself to be used the way I had. Surprisingly, the lifestyle suited me. It allowed me to indulge my submissive nature but to ultimately be in control of that character trait, so I avoid being taken advantage of all over again. I am what is known as a service sub. I take the greatest pleasure from feeding the needs of others, whatever those needs might be. The lifestyle provides a positive outlet for me and the psych profile made me realize that I'm susceptible to being exploited in that respect. BDSM provides me with a safety net that prevents that from happening in my day to day life."
Trinity's words had seemed to be the eye opener Luanna needed, since she had admitted that, for the very first time, she was finally viewing Logan's chosen lifestyle in a more positive way. And wasn't that just music to the ears of a service sub like Trinity. It made sharing her past worthwhile, and Luanna had been genuinely appreciative.
Leaning forward, Luanna had raised her hand and squeezed her shoulder amicably and Trinity had known, right then and there, that she and this woman were going to be good friends.
"Thank you for telling me your story. It's helped me see things in a different light, and I'm truly grateful for that." She hesitated then plunged ahead, "He didn't deserve you, Trinity. To throw away that kind of unconditional love, he really didn't deserve you."
Trinity had just smiled sadly.
"Maybe. Probably. Didn't change the way I felt about him, though. The important thing is that I realized my own worth, I like to think positively and believe that he did me a favour. Who knows how many more years I might have allowed that situation to go on? Always shoving aside my own wants and needs, never making any demands, never telling him how I felt or what I really wanted from him; that's on me."
She cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. "That's why I know that the important thing is for you and Logan is to communicate. Talk about all the things that worry you, the things you don't understand. Talk to Micah, forget the fact that he's the manager here, and take it from me that he really is a fantastically insightful psychologist. And don't make any decisions based on your first visit here. Love it or petrified by it, the first time is always overwhelming. Give things time to settle, get your own thoughts and desi
res straight, and come back again before you decide whether or not this is for you. But make sure you talk it all through. With Logan, with Micah, with any other friends you have in the lifestyle. Come and talk to me, if you want to, but whatever you do, don't try to second guess your way through this, because that will never work."
And since that was exactly what Luanna had been doing, Trinity was glad to be able to help. It fed her soul, even if her service was to another submissive. It was simply the way she was wired. But it had meant dredging up a past that she preferred to keep a lid on.
It had taken a while, but Trinity had stuffed all of those disrupted feelings back into their mental strong box and locked the lid down, tight, once again. She didn't want to dwell on them any more than she had to. It had taken a long time for her to come to terms with what had happened, and the hurt still had the power to slice her deep if she dwelled on the past for too long.
And it should have been fine. Would have been fine, if it hadn't been for Laurel. But the club sub, known in the lifestyle as Fluff, had had her own issues to deal with and she, too, had sought out Trinity to help her work out how she should approach her own 'friends with benefits' arrangement with Master Connor.
Regardless of the consequences, Trinity could no more turn Laurel down than she could have cut off her own fingers. Especially when Laurel's situation was so heartbreakingly similar to her own. If she could help somebody else avoid the kind of heartache she had endured, then Trinity was prepared to open herself to the aftermath of her own pain.
She cast her mind back to that second encounter, because she knew that if she didn't concentrate on that, then she would find herself hurtling back into the past instead, and that was a walk she really didn't want to take.
