by Poppy Flynn
Trinity sat quietly and listened while Laurel explained, in depth, the ins and outs of the 'non-relationship' she shared with Connor. Trinity had seen a lot of their club interactions for herself and knew first-hand how things had evolved. A couple of times, as she spoke, a very real pain clouded Trinity's expression, dimming her eyes, because what Laurel was saying resonated so very painfully with her own experiences.
It was early evening, and Laurel had caught Trinity while the club was quiet and they could have this conversation without any interruptions, for which Trinity was truly thankful because she already knew this was going to flay her own feelings.
They were sat in Trinity's office and when she'd finished, Trinity looked at Laurel with genuine empathy and understanding. She was quiet for a while, contemplative. Laurel watched her carefully but didn't butt in, thank goodness, giving Trinity the time she desperately needed to assimilate and construct her reply.
Finally, Trinity leaned toward Laurel, resting her elbows on the immaculate desk, and clasping her hands together while her index fingers steepled in front of her lips. She gave Laurel a long, hard look and exhaled palpably.
"You know, I usually avoid talking about my past situation…although it seems to be becoming a bit of a thing around here lately," she remarked wryly. She rubbed her hands over her face and then cupped her chin with them both, staring at Laurel with unblinking intensity as she considered. It would have been obvious to anybody that Trinity was struggling with whatever it was she was about to say.
"I don't like to think back on it, never mind talk about it, but years ago I found myself in a relationship—or a non-relationship—very similar to the one you're describing."
Trinity leaned back in her office chair, hugging herself as she swivelled it absently from side to side, gazing blankly at a spot on the wall off to the side, clearly looking inward to her past.
"I was young and naïve and in love, and he was careful to tell me, very clearly, all of the reasons why he wasn't ready for a relationship." She laughed dryly. "We were friends for a long time. I escorted him to events when he needed a partner, we had dinner together and hung out, and over time—years—one thing led to another and we became lovers. Still on his terms, still without…what we shall call it...a 'proper' relationship; friends with benefits fitted us just perfectly, I guess."
Trinity sighed and was quiet for a while. Laurel had held her breath, realising that she was gaining a little bit of insight into the very private woman Trinity had become today. A woman that no one, inside or outside the club, knew as anything other than Trinity. Laurel, like most members, didn't even know if that was her real name or just a club name. Trinity liked to keep it that way. The anonymity served as a cloak against her past.
"I thought if I was patient, if I tried my best to be exactly who I thought he wanted me to be, then eventually he would realise that what we shared was special," she murmured pensively. "I loved him so much, I was prepared to put my life on hold and wait until he was ready for something more."
Trinity shook her head and straightened in her seat, only then turning and looking Laurel straight in the eye. "Turns out, all that patient waiting was just a waste of years of my life," she said bitterly. "And all the reasons he gave for not being ready for a relationship were bullshit, too…well, they might have been valid at the time—they were all reasonable and understandable—but they all went out of the window the moment the 'right' woman walked into his life."
Trinity sucked in a harsh breath. "The day that he told me he wanted to bring an end to our arrangement." She emphasised the word using her fingers as quotation marks. "Was the day he told me he wanted to get married to someone else."
Laurel had sucked in a shocked breath, too. Trinity wasn't surprised…what the heck did you say to something as tragic and heart breaking as that? Especially when you knew what it felt like. She hoped it gave Laurel some measure of relief to know that she wasn't the first woman to be caught in the same scenario.
Still, Trinity had just waved her off with feigned nonchalance, things were getting too deep and the whole conversation came too hard on the heels of the one she had recently shared with Luanna. They were taking their toll on her peace of mind.
"So…what I would say is certainly don't wait around trying to be somebody's perfect. Either you're right for them as you are, or you're not. Be yourself; if that's not good enough for them, then at least let it be good enough for you," she appealed earnestly. "I won't say don't push at all, hell, I've known Connor for years and there's certainly never been any woman, submissive or otherwise, in his life, that he's been as taken with as you, so maybe he needs a bit of a gentle prod." She smiled then turned serious. "But I'll say this, and you need to remember it; if he gets uncomfortable with it, or unnerved by what you're doing, then you must back off, straight away. Men like Connor, like all Doms, really, don't take well to being forced into a corner, so avoid it or it'll back fire on you."
Laurel nodded somewhat absently, mulling over everything that Trinity had said and thinking it all through. Picking up her handbag and shaking her carefully highlighted hair out of her face, she stood.
"Thank you for listening to me and giving me the benefit of your own experience," she said genuinely as she got ready to leave. "I really appreciate it."
"There's one last piece of advice I'd like to give you from my experience," Trinity added as she, too, got up from her seat and moved around the front of the desk. "And you might not like it," she warned gently.
Laurel looked back at her sharply, her brow furrowed.
"The other reason he might be holding back is because it really isn't right for him. At least not right now, and maybe not at all. No matter what you feel, yourself, you can't change somebody else's feelings for you…well, you can make them hate you, but you can't make them love you."
And wasn't that the truth! It remained to be seen whether her advice would be heeded, or whether or not it would make any difference at all to Laurel and Connor and their own situation, but Trinity knew one thing for certain; all that talk of the past had unsettled her so much that she could no longer keep a lid on the past, and a whole slew of painful memories were about to surge up and crash all over her like the destructive wave of a tsunami. Trinity only hoped she would be able to survive without drowning in her own misery all over again.
Chapter 3
When it all began…
She had been seventeen and a half when she had first laid eyes on Christian Knightley. She had considered herself to be mature, sensible, and grown up. She didn't go out running wild, partying or underage drinking like many of her friends.
Instead, she studied hard and spent most of her spare time helping out at her parents' horse stud business. She had a keen interest in business, thanks to the early work ethic her parents had instilled in herself and her siblings. Despite her age, Taryn enjoyed being involved in the day to day running of the stud and spent a lot of time studying spreadsheets, management, and marketing alongside her father, as well as a healthy physical dose of mucking out the stalls.
One look at the wealthy, sophisticated young man, who had tipped up one day with a beautiful mare that he wanted sired, was enough to have all of Taryn's teenage hormones tripping over themselves in a completely unexpected rush which she had no experience with controlling, since that had, damn certain, never happened before. She found herself bowling backward into a coquettish schoolgirl—which, in reality, was exactly what she had been—still, she looked back on it all in sheer mortification.
In truth, Christian, six years her senior, really must have found her quite gauche, but he had been charming and fascinating and also very tolerant of the teenage girl who did nothing but simper and giggle around him. Those memories alone made Trinity cringe.
Despite everything, she and Christian had become friends. She had spent a lot of time with him, and he had respected her knowledge of the industry, regardless of her age—another trait that had Taryn all the mor
e star struck and falling ever deeper under his spell.
Trinity had never told a living soul that her choice of college, after she graduated high school, was based solely on its proximity to Christian. There was nothing at all between them but an unlikely friendship, after all, but Taryn was completely captivated and infatuated with Christian.
There was only one word to describe him, and that was beautiful. Maybe not the description that most young men would appreciate, but it was always the one that came to mind. He was just so darn pretty, with his classic good looks—symmetrical features, thick, dark brown hair with just a hint of a curl to it and whisky rich, hazel coloured eyes which she could stare into for hours; they had so many fascinating facets, which even reflected luminous flecks of gold if the sun hit him at the right angle. She had never seen eyes like them, and they might possibly have been her favourite feature. Or maybe it was his full, sensual lips that she couldn't help fantasizing about tasting. Or perhaps it was just the combination of all those features combined in a face that would make angels weep.
Just looking at him made every cell in her body sit up and take notice and her chest so tight that she sometimes felt like she could hardly breathe because he stole all the air in her lungs so effectively, just with being.
And the gamble had worked to a certain extent. Once she had turned eighteen and started college close to where Christian lived, he had asked her if she would consider taking on the role of escort when he needed to attend various functions in the capacity of representing his wealthy family's business and charity interests.
Christian had been careful to explain that his father was terminally ill, and his mother wasn't handling the situation well, so the baton had passed to him to present the public face of their business empire. But, because of his family situation, he didn't have time for the kind of personal relationship that might develop if he were to have a constant companion accompanying him to such gatherings, better to be a friend who understood the ground rules and didn't have any unrealistic expectations.
Looking back, Trinity knew that little spiel had been a warning that she hadn't heeded well enough.
It had been just a few weeks after she had started college. Christian had come to visit and cheer her up after she had admitted in a social media message that she was missing her home and her family and especially the horses. He had driven her out to his own family's horse ranch on a promise of finding her a suitable mount.
As they trotted together quietly on the cool down from an exhilarating gallop across the wide, flower strewn pastures of the property's impressive acreage, he had led her down to an idyllic spot next to a small stream, where he had tethered the horses to a nearby tree and even gone so far as to dig out a blanket for them to sit on.
To Taryn's young mind, it had been the most romantic gesture in the world, and her heart had beat faster in her chest as she imagined that Christian might be setting the scene to ask her out on a date. She quavered a little inside. He was so suave and debonair and mature that she wondered if she could ever manage to match him on that level, but she was certain she'd do her best to try.
Of course, his actual intentions had been somewhat different, and if Taryn had been a little older and a little wiser, then she might have had the sense to bring things to a halt right there and then and protect her vulnerable heart from what pretty much anybody with an ounce of common sense would have seen coming.
But not Taryn, because she was just blinded by infatuation and her own stupid desire to be close to Christian, whatever the terms.
"Taryn, I have a proposition for you,"
A proposition? Taryn frowned. That didn't sound much like the prelude to asking for a date, even to someone with as little experience in that game as she had. But Christian smiled that blow-you-away smile that always made her forget herself, so she didn't dwell on it any longer. If she had, she might have seen what was coming.
"I need an escort to some of the functions I'm obligated to attend for the business,"
This was it; he was about to ask her out, even if he did sound a little serious and practical rather than overcome with longing. But then, this was just the beginning, after all. Those things didn't happen straight away, did they? Well, they seemed to for her, but Taryn was sensible enough to accept that some of these matters took time to develop.
"I don't have the time or the inclination for a girlfriend right now…"
Wait, what?
"…and I can't cope with random dating. Quite frankly, some women just end up getting too many expectations which I don't want to have to waste time extracting myself from." He paused for a moment and frowned as if he were battling with the premise. Then his expression lightened, and he looked at her and laughed, throwing himself down onto his back on the blanket they shared, before rolling onto his side to face her.
"God, that sounds egotistical, sorry. I just mean that Dad is too sick for me to be distracted with a romantic involvement or even the aftermath of having to deal with a woman who wants more than I can give. Mum is literally falling apart because of Dad's terminal prognosis and all my emotions are tied up in trying to deal with all of that, myself, as well as taking the helm as the public face of the company. I don't mean to sound like a dick; I just don't have anything left to give at the moment."
Christian sighed mournfully and rolled onto his back, flinging his arm across his face, and Taryn's susceptible heart went out to him all over again.
"God only knows, I don't want to even attend all the stupid damn functions!" he exclaimed, rubbing his hands across his face and staring up at the cloudless blue sky. "I've got enough on my plate just trying to get through each day with the family falling apart the way it is, but it eases Dad's mind to know that the company is being looked after because that means that Mum and I will be taken care of after he's gone."
He dragged in a ragged breath, clearly choked up by the events that he was enmired in, and Taryn's heart went out to him. He was so young, still only twenty-four-years-old, and he was having to deal with so much. She couldn't imagine how she would cope if she found herself in the same situation. There and then, she knew she would do whatever it took to help him out and ease his burden.
"Apart from you, I don't really have any female friends who are, you know, just friends…"
Taryn's heart broke just a little bit in that moment, and she swallowed around the huge lump that had formed in her throat. He saw her as just a friend, a friend who happened to be a girl.
"They all seem to have all these expectations."
Taryn knew a moment of extreme discomfort as she silently acknowledged that she was just as guilty of having 'expectations' as all the other faceless women Christian was referring to. Thank goodness she seemed to have covered it better.
"Whether it's for my money, or the social standing, or the idea of snagging an influential husband, they're all just out for what they can get, and I can't afford to get involved in all that right now. If that sounds harsh, then so be it. At the end of the day, I'm doing us all a favour by not getting involved in a relationship that I know I can't commit to properly."
She silently sighed in relief. Well, at least any expectations she had of him weren't as mercenary and premediated as those he had just outlined. Taryn only wanted him for himself, because he was beautiful on the inside as well as the outside. His commitment to his family and the fact that he didn't want to lead any woman on was testament to that.
She had leaned over then and tentatively touched his tanned forearm, lightly dusted in soft dark hair and bit her lip at the jolt of electricity that tingled in her fingers and shot up her arm before settling directly in all her secret places, desperately hoping she hadn't given herself away.
"I understand, Christian," she had assured him softly. "And if I can help you out in any way, then I will be happy to."
Christian's face had cleared, and he had gifted her with that panty melting smile which had appeared, to Taryn's impressionable mind, like the sun c
oming out from behind a cloud. She had melted all over again, too immature to realise what she was getting herself into.
Not that it would have mattered, since she found such a huge amount of solace in knowing she had given that to him so she knew it would sustain her for a while.
Jumping up and pulling her with him, Christian had lifted her up and twirled her around in a rare show of uninhibited joy. That was when she realized just how much of a toll his family life was taking on what should have been a carefree youth.
"Come and meet my parents," he had declared unexpectedly, gathering up the blanket and leading her back to where the horses were quietly grazing.
Taryn was surprised but secretly pleased, that he trusted her enough to introduce her to his family under the circumstances, and she followed him willingly. Just as she would do for the next five years of her life.
In retrospect, there had been a clear and unambiguous warning in everything Christian had said that day. Sadly, it hadn't been one that Taryn had properly heeded.
He had been honest and open, and she'd admired him for that, despite the knife that felt like it was gouging its way into her young heart. Taryn had agreed to his terms, and maybe she was guilty of making excuses for herself, but she also acknowledged that she was far too young to enter into a physical relationship with Christian anyway, even while she hoped beyond hope that things still might develop in the way she wished, despite his assertion that he didn't have time for a proper relationship.
Over the next nine months, Taryn became his constant companion. She accompanied him to business functions and charity balls. She found them and the people she met quite fascinating. Between her knowledge from her parents' stud and the business degree she was doing, she was able to hold her own with most of the people he introduced her to, and if the blatant interest and innuendoes from the other women he encountered dredged up the green-eyed monster inside her, then she was careful not to let it show. Comforting herself, instead, with the knowledge that at least he wasn't going to pursue any of them.
