Five Unicorn Flush

by TJ Berry

  Lakshmi had never piloted an actual spaceship. Sure, she’d been on one. Who hadn’t? But her job for the last few years had been limited to filling out paperwork and getting coffee. None of these quags knew that though. With computer systems down and communications compromised all over the Reason, there was no way for them to check her personnel files. If she gave orders with enough confidence, they’d all have to assume she was the real deal. She hoped.

  Most of these new rigs were AI-controlled anyway. She’d simply call out orders and the ship would follow them. She’d picked the newest ship in the fleet on which to make her getaway from the chaos of Fort J. The Kilonova’s mission was to look for the Bala planet and bring them back to the Reason. And the Bala planet was exactly where Lakshmi needed to be.

  “Aren’t you the secretary?” asked Will Penny, raising his hand to point at her headscarf.

  “Oh, so all brown people are the same to you?” she asked incredulously. “There’s just one woman wearing a dastaar in all of the Reason? Get out of my damn chair and take your seat, Commander.” Of course, she was the secretary. But she tried her best not to sound like one, peppering her speech with swear words that didn’t quite fit in her mouth. She blushed a little every time, even though she knew her mother had no way of hearing her.

  Will Penny stammered and pushed himself up out of the captain’s seat with a groan and shuffled one spot over. He was still close enough that he’d be able to whisper in her ear if he chose to. Just the thought of it made a shiver go down her spine. He looked up at her ruefully, as if he didn’t quite believe that she was really the captain. She didn’t quite believe it herself either.

  Lakshmi had learned to be careful with men like this; the ones who had lost everything when the Reason fell. People like him were scared dogs backed into a corner, ready to escalate the situation at any provocation. Her first tactic was to placate them.

  “Commander Penny… and all of you,” she lifted her head to look each of the bridge crew in the eyes, “welcome to the Kilonova.”

  An alarm pinged and an ensign scrambled to quiet it.

  “Sorry,” said the ensign. “I… hit something. New controls.”

  The Kilonova’s engineers had thrown out all previous starship designs and started from scratch. Knowing the Reason, they probably threw out the designers as well. Unlike smaller warships and troop carriers, it was never intended to touch land. Therefore there were no useless wings or delicate spindles that could torque out of position with a hard stop. It had a chrysalis shape, curved and fluid. Nearly every useful part was recessed, giving it a sleek and intimidating look. And it was huge. Nearly the size of a Bala stoneship.

  The Kilonova been almost finished when the Century Summit began. She was supposed to be paraded past the Pymmie on the final day of the Summit to show the pinnacle of human achievement. Instead, the Summit had lasted less than an hour. The Pymmie had decided to pull the Bala out of the Reason and the Kilonova had never made it out of space dock.

  Over the next few weeks, the Reason made a slow slide into anarchy. When the Pymmie relocated the Bala, most of the service and support staff at Fort Jaisalmer disappeared. Even a few people who had passed as fully human vanished. Food shortages, rioting, and more violence than usual had been the norm since then. There was no one to cook the meals or tend to the children. No one picked up the trash or maintained the sewer systems. Infrastructure had begun to fail immediately as the humans realized how few of them knew how to operate their own machinery. The military base had never run seamlessly, even before the chaos. Now it was every man for himself in a city of half a million armed and angry humans.

  Lakshmi had been trying to get off Jaisalmer long before the apocalypse happened. She’d had the same nightmare for ninety-three consecutive nights, and it was wearing on her. She’d consulted with the Sisters of the Supersymmetrical Axion and they’d told her to follow her vision to a pink planet with a unicorn man. The only unicorn man she knew was Gary Cobalt and that pink planet must be the Bala’s new home. The faster they got there, the faster she could finally have respite from the nightly terror and exhaustion.

  Lakshmi had a moment of clarity, standing on the bridge of her new ship, the faces of her crew waiting expectantly for her command. They were a sundry bunch; a mix of fresh cadets who had clearly been bumped up far above their pay grade because everyone else was stranded off-planet, plus a few old veterans from HQ who had glad-handed their way into a spot to escape the economic and social collapse.

  She had dreamed of this moment so many times, but there was no vindication in it. Fear washed over her as she noted the skeptical look on Commander Penny’s face. Her terror was reflected in the eyes of her navigator, who could not have been more than twenty. She was an imposter, and they knew it. She thought she could even spy a smirk creeping in on her security specialist’s smile.

  Lakshmi wasn’t sure how to even get the ship started. Was there an ignition key? A certain command? Why wasn’t there a checklist?

  She made a deliberate show of looking at the ship’s readouts until she figured out what to do next. It felt like the right time to make a speech, but all English had flown from her mind. She looked again to Commander Penny, coiled up in his chair and ready to spring. She patted his shoulder, partially to soothe him but mostly to soothe herself. She stood and faced her crew.

  “I realize this is a… uh, tough time for the Reason. Things are tough. But we have a chance to fix it. The tough stuff. Our mission is to locate the Bala and bring them back. We can do that. We… uh, definitely can.”

  It was a terrible speech. Even the young navigator looked unimpressed. Luckily, there was always one way to get a rise out of this group.

  “Manifest destiny!” she shouted, raising a fist above her head.

  “And the survival of man!” replied the group.

  The call to arms was more relevant than ever, now that human survival was not guaranteed. Even so, it felt like a hollow exhortation, devoid of actual thought.

  “Take us out, helmsman,” she called, putting her hands on her hips and looking expectantly into the viewscreen.

  Chaatrapati Shivaji Station did not move.

  “Helmsman?” she asked.

  “You haven’t given us a course heading,” snapped the helmsman.

  “Oh.”

  The truth was, she didn’t know where to go. The Pymmie hadn’t shared where they were bringing the Bala, only that it was far away and not to look for them. Which, of course, meant that humans immediately started looking for them.

  “So, Captain, where are we gonna go?” asked Commander Penny from his spot nearby. He emphasized her title in the tiniest of spiteful ways.

  Lakshmi’s face flushed. If they found her out, there would be sentries on the ship within minutes to drag her back off and put her in jail. Or, worse, back at her admin desk back on the surface. She’d be stuck having that terrible dream every night until she couldn’t take it any more. Made up words tumbled out of her in a panic.

  “Good question, Commander. I have worked with Reason Command to determine a search pattern that will maximize our available fuel while covering the most likely habitable planets in our database.”

  She definitely had not done that.

  “Well that’s just dumb,” said Commander Penny. The bridge went so silent that Lakshmi could hear the low hum of the FTL drive waiting for her to give the word to jump into nullspace. If she didn’t nip this is the bud, it was going to be a problem. He continued. “The universe is infinite so it would take generations, even with FTL, to find them. You gotta use your necromancer.” He slapped his hand down on his knee as if telling the punchline to a colossal joke.

  She’d completely forgotten. Necromancers – humans who were able to use Bala energy like magic – were staffed on board every Reason Space Force ship. They had excellent offensive abilities, but they were able to track Bala through the null as well. The Pymmie had to have known the necromancers would eventuall
y find the Bala. They were probably counting on the fact that no one would have horn to power their drives. But a human like Commander Penny would do just about anything for money – including smuggling a piece of unicorn horn inside of his body to ensure it didn’t disappear with the rest of the Bala.

  He’d limped into her boss’ office offering the hidden horn in exchange for a ship and crew. He had some kind of grudge against the Bala and was hell bent on bringing some back to Jaisalmer for some price he’d negotiated with Colonel Wenck.

  “Of course, Commander. Which one of you is our necromancer?” she asked the bridge crew.

  “They probably all got taken with the Bala,” said one of the crew.

  The head of security scoffed. She was older than Lakshmi and probably would have had command of her own ship in ordinary times. Lakshmi got the distinct air of retirement off her – all calloused hands and tanned skin like she’d been out in the sun and not in space for a very long time. There was something about her cropped salt-and-pepper hair and the way she pinned people down with her gaze that meant business. Lakshmi wouldn’t have been surprised if she was a much higher rank than she was letting on.

  “Wrong,” said Commander Penny. “They’re human. The type of human that can use Bala magic. I knew one of them personally.”

  The little navigator raised a shaking hand. “Me,” he said quietly. He looked no older than a teenager and his pale cheeks had no battle scars or radiation burns. Lakshmi felt a wave of empathy for this kid who was completely out of his element.

  “What?” asked Lakshmi.

  “I’m your necromancer,” said the kid.

  “Name?”

  The kid hesitated, as if he’d forgotten it. “Chen. Kevin Chen.” He flinched when he said it, as if it pained him.

  “Jesus H, did they give us the youngest possible necro?” The head of security rolled her eyes.

  “We’re all gonna die,” said Commander Penny, pulling a cigar out of his shirt pocket. Lakshmi reached over and smacked it out of his hand. It hit the floor and rolled under the security specialist’s console. The older woman ground it into the floor with her foot. Commander Penny’s mouth dropped open like a gasping fish.

  “All right, Chen,” said Lakshmi calmly. “Tell us where to find those Bala.”

  The kid stood up with great care, as if his bones ached from the effort. He faced the viewscreen and stretched his fingers wide, catching them in the air like water. His motions seemed practiced and sure for a green cadet. He closed his eyes and swayed a little on his feet.

  “Duck and cover,” said the head of security, spinning her chair back to face her console.

  “I don’t like this shit,” mumbled Commander Penny.

  Chen opened his eyes and sighed.

  “I can’t do it if you all keep talking,” he said.

  “It’s fine. I’m sure you’ll do fine. It will all be fine.” Lakshmi directed that last bit at Commander Penny who sulked in his seat like a toddler.

  “Listen,” she said. “Because of all the chaos going on in the Reason, things are going to be weird around here. I want us to do things differently. Starting with the bridge. We’re not going to stand on ceremony or hierarchy or whatever. I want people to call each other by their names. No titles. I’m Singh… and you are?”

  The security specialist looked up at her with a deadpan expression.

  “Security Specialist Ramate.”

  Lakshmi sighed.

  “Ramate, you and Penny shut up so we can figure out where we’re going,” said Lakshmi. Two shuttles departed from Chhatrapati Shivaji Station on the viewscreen. She wasn’t sure if it was her imagination, but they looked to be heading their way. Her heart sped up.

  “Chen. Directions. Now,” she barked, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. Chen equivocated.

  “Well, I mean, I can tell whether they’re in this dimension or one of the others and I can get you a general direction, but–”

  “Other dimensions?” asked Ramate. “I did not sign up for this shit.”

  “Like nullspace or bugspace,” said Will Penny. The navigator nodded. Lakshmi hurried him along.

  “Yeah, fine. Get us a dimension or a direction or whatever and we’ll take it from there.” She hoped her impatience would be taken as ordinary military bullying and not abject fear.

  Chen stepped closer to the viewscreen, which gave the illusion of him stepping into space. He extended his hands again and caught whatever current that he was feeling. Lilac electricity collected on his outstretched fingers. He flicked them outward and sparks dropped onto the floor of the bridge. They caused a couple of spiral singe marks on the metal.

  “Openspace,” said Chen. His voice filled the bridge as if it had been amplified. “They’re in regular openspace, past Chaatrapati Shivaji. A planet with three moons. Pink skies. Very far away. Even with FTL.” He dropped his hands and turned expectantly.

  Lakshmi nodded.

  “Good job,” she said. The kid grinned, then tried to force the smile off his face and look like a serious officer. “Point us in that general direction.”

  “But that makes no sense,” said Ramate. “We don’t have enough data. At interstellar distances, even a fraction of a degree off will send us trillions of miles in the wrong direction.”

  “Just start us off on a general heading past Chaatrapati, and we’ll see if we can narrow it down as we go. At least we’re going to the right quadrant of the universe.”

  Ramate shook her head and turned back to her console, grumbling about the uselessness of Bala magic. “You can’t even do anything useful, like predict the lottery.”

  “Course laid in, Captain,” announced Chen.

  Lakshmi wasn’t sure if you had to pull away from a space station before going to FTL or if you could just jump where you were. She decided to play it safe.

  “Take us past Chaatrapati for a goodbye run. It’s may be a long time before we’re back here. The crew will appreciate it,” she said.

  She remembered too late that Reason ships were windowless for safety and economy. The only exterior views were from the artificial viewscreens in common areas. Ramate rolled her eyes again as swung the ship out of space dock.

  “Isn’t there supposed to be an AI handing bridge operations?” asked Lakshmi, wondering if she could get Ramate off the bridge and into a position somewhere else.

  “I shut it off,” said Will Penny, chewing on what looked like a stick. Lakshmi wanted to take it, but it was not strictly out of regulation.

  “Why would you do that?” asked Lakshmi.

  “Because a ship shouldn’t talk,” he said with a finality that meant the conversation was over. Lakshmi had heard that tone out of Colonel Wenck plenty of times. It was the way that old white guys announced that they’d made a decision on everyone else’s behalf.

  “Captain ma’am Lakshmi?” said Ramate. “There are incoming shuttles sent by Reason Command. They’re asking us to power down and let them aboard.”

  Lakshmi’s heart went from 60 to 120 beats in less than a second. If the AI had been on, it would have warned her of a possible cardiac event.

  “Go to FTL,” she said to Chen. Electronic communications from the surface were down, but an envoy could come up in a shuttle with a direct message. Like one about how the crew manifest had been tampered with.

  “But they said to–” the kid began.

  “Go now, captain’s orders,” barked Laskshmi, flopping down into the center chair and gripping the armrests. The shuttles had just cleared Chaatrapati and were closing in on their position. “Go!”

  Ramate put her finger on the console to activate the FTL drive, answering the question of whether one could jump in close proximity to a space station. The drive whined into a higher register, causing everyone’s ears to pop. Lakshmi held her breath as the Kilonova dropped into nullspace and the station shimmered out of existence.

  She had only been in nullspace a handful of times.

  On the
viewscreen, a wooly orb hovered in front of them. Reason handbooks said it was the Doppler effect making the stars look like that, but the Bala had incorporated it into their belief system.

  “The Eye of Unamip,” said Chen, still standing near the front of the bridge. “I haven’t seen that in–” He stopped, blushed, and sat down in his chair.

  “Nobody pray to that thing,” said Will Penny. “He can hear you.”

  “What?” asked Lakshmi.

  “The Bala call that the Eye of Unamip. It’s one of their gods. They pray to him while they’re in nullspace,” said Chen.

  “And every other damn minute of the day,” added Will Penny. Lakshmi could see that this man going to be a handful. “I learned at the Summit that Unamip can actually hear you. He’s with the Bala, so tell your crew not to speak to him or pray to him otherwise he’s going to know we’re coming.”

  It was a smart plan, if they didn’t want to give away the element of surprise. Lakshmi immediately began to pray to the fuzzy eyeball in the middle of the viewscreen. Maybe it was just the doppler effect, but maybe it was a unicorn god. She hoped the message arrived at its intended recipient.

  Tell Gary we are coming.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Pink-ass Planet

  Gary sat at the front of the great hall, waiting for the next complaining citizen to come in and make their case. He’d been at this all day with a short break for lunch and he was starting to tire of endless complaints about the lack of running water, the lack of food, and the lack of Reason tech. It was as if most of these Bala wanted to go back to being servants and captives. He sighed heavily and motioned the attendants to open the door.

  The group that walked in was larger than usual. At least two dozen beings. And the one at the front was Horm, the fighting centaur from the previous day. Gary sat upright in his chair.