Five Unicorn Flush

by TJ Berry

  A tightness gripped her chest as if a centaur had straddled her. She gasped loudly enough that she was sure the Reason officers above had heard. She held her breath (which didn’t help), but they kept moving. Kamis nudged her again.

  Help. Jenny nodded and hoped that he could understand her in the dark. Immediately, she felt his clammy mist sliding over every part of her like she’d fallen into a cloud. It prickled her skin.

  His head settled into hers and all of his thoughts and emotions came crashing over her like a wave. She resisted at first, but they carried her along whether she wanted to go or not. She drowned in gratitude, curiosity, and relief.

  Her chest fluttered again, but this time a cool pressure settled around it like a hand pressing on the affected area. There was a little shudder, then her heart settled back into a steady rhythm and the pressure subsided. That was a neat trick. Certainly way more useful than writing on a mirror.

  “Are you all right?” asked Mary. “Hold up a finger if you can hear me.”

  Jenny held up her middle finger, taking her first pain-free breath in hours. There were no more sounds above her in the cockpit.

  “You must be feeling better,” said Mary, sounding disappointed.

  “Are they gone?” she whispered to Mary.

  “They’ve left the cockpit but they’re still searching the rest of the ship,” said Mary. “Stay where you are.”

  “So Kamis,” said Jenny out loud. “Welcome to my body. It’s in bloody terrible shape at the moment, but it’s home. I’m Jenny and I’ll be your host for this evening.” Hopefully, just this evening.

  “What does it feel like to have Kamis inside of you?” asked Mary. Jenny was suddenly acutely aware that her answer was probably being recorded into the log files for posterity. She was probably the first captain in human history to share her body with an elf ghost. Some other captain, a century from now, might be listening to what she said right now.

  “It’s like having sex, but without the fun parts,” said Jenny.

  Mary sighed heavily, a sound that Jenny was sure the engineers had never programmed in. It delighted her that the ship’s AI was having to create new and complex exasperated sounds in order to deal with her.

  “Does he have control of your actions?” asked Mary.

  “Kamis, can you move me?” asked Jenny. She lay back and let her limbs fall against the wires. She felt an overwhelming urge to sleep, but she wasn’t sure if that was Kamis or her own exhausted body.

  “I don’t think he can,” she said.

  No, said Kamis in her head.

  “Do you hear his thoughts as words, as images, or some other manifestation?” asked Mary.

  Mary was gathering data. Jenny didn’t blame her. To have a captain partially-controlled by an alien parasite meant taking extra care with who was giving orders. Mary was assessing how trustworthy Jenny’s decision-making faculties were with Kamis inside of her. If the need arose, she would jump in and take over running the ship.

  “I can hear his thoughts, but they’re distinct from mine. It’s like you in the earpiece. Don’t worry, he’s not controlling me.”

  “Oh I’m not worried. It’s likely that Kamis is capable of making better decisions than you. In fact, perhaps you should give him a turn at being captain,” said Mary.

  “Not nice,” said Jenny.

  Rude ship, said Kamis.

  “I agree, she is very rude,” said Jenny, pleased to finally have someone on her side. She yawned, banging her hand on the access panel as she brought it up to cover her mouth. Both of them were exhausted. Jenny did have one thing to clear up first.

  “Kamis, are any of the other bodies in the cargo hold alive?” she asked.

  No, he said.

  An explosion of sadness hit her. His grief. It was sharper and more visceral than her own dull ache of regret. It made her want to punch things. Her mind flashed with the images of several of the faces in the cargo hold, back when they were alive. There was a human woman, laughing in the light of an orange sun. A dwarf, bowing to Kamis with a twinkle in her eyes. Jenny sucked in her breath.

  “What?” asked Mary, alarmed.

  “He’s showing me memories of his friends, his crew. Several of the people in our cargo hold were his crew,” she said. Her voice caught on the final word, which was a surprise even to herself. She felt deeply sorrowful over the loss of Kamis’ crew, even though she had never met them.

  “It’s affecting you,” said Mary.

  “I can feel what he’s feeling,” said Jenny. Kamis settled down and the overwhelming feeling of grief passed. The thought of his friends thawing and rotting in the cargo hold repulsed both of them. And then there was a little rueful tinge of his anger that she’d nearly unceremoniously jettisoned his friends.

  “The Reason soldiers have left,” said Mary. “It’s safe for you to come out for now.”

  “Can you turn the gravity off?” asked Jenny.

  “Not while we’re sitting in their cargo hold. I can’t counteract their gravity generators,” said Mary. The actuators on the access panel whirred to life. The panel slid open. Jenny braced her arms on the floor of the cockpit and dragged herself out of the hole and over to the captain’s chair. She pulled herself up with a grunt and sat down. Her burns stung and throbbed under the spray-on dressing. Kamis watched with horrified curiosity.

  “Sorry, bud,” said Jenny. “You’re going to find that your new body doesn’t move much faster than your dead one.”

  “You need to sleep. And heal.” Mary said.

  “Agreed. But I am currently trapped on a Reason warship with an elf ghost hitching a ride inside of me. I feel like this would be a good time to regroup. For example, where are we? Which ship are we on? Where are we going?”

  “We are sixteen billion kilometers from Jaisalmer on the Reason ship FTL Kilonova, a hellion-class interstellar warship with a complement of eight thousand soldiers and three thousand support personnel.”

  “How do you know that? Did you hack their network?” asked Jenny hopefully.

  “No, I asked the ship next to me,” said Mary.

  “Brilliant,” Jenny mumbled, slumping in her chair.

  “Also, we’re headed toward the new Bala planet,” said Mary.

  “Brilliant,” said Jenny, sitting up with considerably more enthusiasm. “That is exactly what we’re looking for. How did they find it?”

  “The logs say that a man named Will Penny brought a piece of horn to Reason Command,” said Mary. Jenny’s eyebrows shot up.

  “Will Penny? As in the movie character?” asked Jenny. Mary hesitated for a split-second, during which she was probably checking her records of human filmmaking.

  “Yes, this person seems to be using an assumed name,” she said.

  “Is it a tall stringy fella that looks like he’s going to either punch you or fall over dead?” asked Jenny.

  “That would be an accurate description of the photographs and videos in the files,” said Mary.

  “Fuck me,” said Jenny.

  Inside of her head, Kamis flinched. His prudish elf sensibilities had better harden up fast if he was going to keep living in there.

  That was definitely Cowboy Jim. Her former co-pilot had watched the movie Will Penny about a thousand times over the ten years that they worked together hauling cargo. It was a ridiculous film, with a gruff loner cowboy going off and leaving a perfectly lovely woman and her kid for no good reason other than to make himself feel bad. It made sense that Jim had assumed the name of his favorite character – he was also a man who spent most of his life wallowing in self-loathing.

  “Why are you upset?” asked Mary. “The Kilonova is going exactly where you want to be.”

  “Number one, because Cowboy Jim is probably on board and that man has it out for me. And number two, if this warship full of troops is heading for the Bala, it means they’re planning an attack,” said Jenny.

  You must stop them, said Kamis into her head.

 
“Sure, I’ll just unplug the ship and it’ll stop. Problem solved,” she replied.

  “What?” asked Mary.

  “I’m talking to Kamis,” said Jenny.

  “I can’t hear him. You’ll have to repeat everything he says for the record,” said Mary. “Bite me,” said Jenny. “Figure it out.”

  She sulked in her chair for a few minutes, trying to sort out the situation in her head. The Kilonova was headed toward the Bala planet and carrying her along for the ride, which was great. Cowboy Jim was on board, which was not great. And there were eight thousand Reason soldiers ready to attack and collect the Bala once they arrived, which was incredibly not great.

  As a former captain, she knew a few dozen ways to sabotage a Reason ship. Problem was, she didn’t really want the Kilonova to stop. She needed to get there just as much as they did. If she shut the ship down, she’d be stranded without a way to get to Kaila.

  She considered jettisoning its crew and continuing on her own, but the logistics of shunting eleven thousand people off the ship were tough. Not to mention the ethics. She could do it, but probably not with the gravity on. And probably not while her entire back half of her body was peeling off. Details.

  She could get them to the new planet but she had no idea how to stop the Reason from firing on the Bala and the troops from landing on the surface. The Bala had no weapons other than their own magic. Copernica Citadel proved magic alone wasn’t enough to win against Reason firepower. No, she couldn’t let the Kilonova arrive at all.

  Protect them, said Kamis, his voice gaining strength.

  “I’m trying to,” she said.

  “Trying to what?” asked Mary.

  “Trying to find out the location of the Bala planet, disable the Kilonova, and get your yellow ass out of the hold without anyone noticing and blowing us to bits, because that seems to be the best plan so far,” said Jenny. Her mind circled back to the idea of jettisoning eleven thousand soldiers – that would be easier than what she was about to do.

  “Is that all,” said Mary, in a sarcastic deadpan.

  Bury the dead, said Kamis.

  Of course he wanted to take care of his crew. Normally, she would wrap them and send them out of the airlock with a prayer, but her airlock now connected to the Kilonova’s ship’s hold. She couldn’t very well open it and dump a pile of bodies onto the floor.

  “They’ll have to wait,” she said. “Sorry.”

  “Who has to wait?” asked Mary.

  “Kamis’ crew. There’s no way to deal with them right now,” said Jenny. “Is my spare chair still in the hold?”

  “Yes.”

  She needed to get there, but crawling across the ship and down two floors way beyond her ability at the moment. She sagged over her captain’s chair, awash with pain and fatigue.

  “Are we in a spot where I can take a break for some rest?” asked Jenny.

  “Yes,” said Mary, far louder than she needed to. “Thank goodness, yes. I’ll alert you if anyone comes near us, but you need to get some rest. Especially if you plan to single-handedly disable a Reason warship.”

  “I’ve done it before,” said Jenny.

  “I believe you,” said Mary.

  Jenny lowered herself out of the captain’s chair and onto the floor. She pulled herself along with her arms, wishing this ship was one of the older models with metal grating that you could really dig your fingers into.

  “This is going to be amazing,” she said, speaking between pulls. “The Kilonova is going to stay at full gravity because humans love gravity. Even in my chair, I’m going to stand out like a unicorn at a pony show.

  You can do this, said Kamis inside her head.

  “Oh, this is weird,” she said, grabbing onto the cockpit doorframe. “It’s almost like having a conscience.”

  She inched down the hallway toward her quarters.

  “You have a right to know about the body you’re inhabiting,” she said, trying to take her mind off the strain of the exertion. “I was hurt at the Siege of Copernica Citadel. And yes, I was fighting against the Bala. I’m kind of on your side now. It’s complicated.”

  She paused for a moment to catch her breath. If she installed a lift system or a power chair in Mary, those times without her wheelchair would be much easier.

  You cannot walk, said Kamis.

  “Brilliant deduction, Jiminy Cricket. My spine and pelvis were crushed by a blast door. I haven’t had the use of my legs in fifteen years. Last year, a unicorn saved my life from a fatal wound by giving me an infusion of his blood.”

  She felt Kamis’ shock at a unicorn willingly giving their blood to a human. She knew this made her one of a very rare class of humans. Tendrils of his newfound respect curled around the edges of her psyche.

  “Oh you just wait until I tell you who is was,” she said with relish. “None other than notorious murderer Gary ‘Prancer’ Cobalt, son of Findae – the king of the unicorns – and Anjai ‘Apocalypse Angie’ Ramanathan, hero of the hundred years war.”

  Kamis’ awe felt like a balloon swelling inside of her.

  You are friends with Gary? asked Kamis. Jenny equivocated.

  “He and I have a… difficult history. Anyway, my legs healed a bit after he gave me his blood, but now they’re stuck in a not-veryuseful but still-very-painful state. I’m definitely not an ideal host, but you get what you get…”

  …and you don’t get upset? said Kamis, finishing the nursery school rhyme by rote.

  “You have kids,” said Jenny.

  I once did, he replied.

  “Did they survive?” she asked.

  I’m not sure, he said.

  “I can look them up, if you want,” she said.

  Kamis’ heart sank. He didn’t want to know.

  “Gotcha. If you change your mind, I’m at your service,” she said.

  Jenny reached her quarters, which was actually a repurposed storage closet. Crew quarters were one level up, which was less than ideal. She’d made her home base as close to the cockpit as she could get. Her room was a third of the size of the real captain’s quarters, but at least there was plenty of shelving.

  She pulled herself into her rolling desk chair – which was a passable substitute for her wheelchair in a pinch. She pulled a first aid kit out of a cabinet and swallowed two mild pain relievers down dry.

  You’re supposed to take those with water, said Kamis.

  “I’m supposed to do a lot of things,” replied Jenny.

  Jenny unzipped her jumpsuit and re-dressed her wounds. Kamis watched with a polite interest. She felt questions burning at the back of his mind.

  “Ask what you want,” she said. “You can’t possibly embarrass me.”

  Does your body hurt this much every day? he asked.

  “Today is a little bit over the top, on account of our adventure on the Well Actually this morning, but yes, this is what it generally feels like to be me,” she said.

  How do you manage to get through the hours? he asked.

  It was a strange question that Jenny didn’t quite know how to answer. She just did it, because what other choice did she have. You could lay in bed in pain or go about your day in pain. Might as well get stuff done.

  “I just do,” she said.

  Jenny pulled the toilet out of the wall and tugged her jumpsuit down to her hips. Kamis became alarmed, dousing her brain with embarrassment and shame. She stopped.

  “You realize I can’t go thirty-nine hours without a bathroom break?” she asked. “I mean really. You can’t inhabit a woman’s body and then shame her for using the toilet. The nerve.”

  Jenny was well accustomed to peeing in front of others. Even if she hadn’t hunkered down in the backs of starships under fire where an empty water bottle might be all you had, boot camp alone had communal restrooms. No one came out of the Reason Space Force with any modesty.

  She got her jumpsuit back on and rolled to a low cabinet full of food packets. She pulled out a plastic bag full of s
crambled eggs and pancakes and a pouch of orange juice. She squeezed the plastic until the heating element inside activated. The food inside got hot within a few seconds. She bit off a hunk of pancake. It was dry and mealy; the same garbage prepackaged nutrients that soldiers and explorers ate. It made her feel right at home. She chewed happily over Kamis’ disgust. He craved fresh fruit from any planet, either Bala or human.

  “How many perishable items do you think we pack for interstellar trip?” she asked. “I mean, maybe the Kilonova has a greenhouse, but I’m not crawling out there to get you an apple.”

  Jenny bit into the eggs. They’d been molded into a bar with some kind of binder. It was greasy and dry at the same time. A veritable miracle of science. She ate with relish and Kamis scoffed at her.

  “Don’t food-shame when you don’t know my story,” she snapped. Kamis waited. She showed him a moment from her childhood, before Gran took over her care. Mom was on the couch, sleeping. Little Jenny was hungry. Every time she tapped mom’s shoulder, she stirred a little, but didn’t wake up. Jenny searched the cabinets, looking for anything to eat. In the back of the lowest cabinet she found a box of powdered milk among odd cans that the food bank had given to them but her mother could never figure out how to use. Weird beans and dry goods. Eventually mice found the milk box and chewed through it to get to the powder inside. This box was intact. Little Jenny didn’t know how to make the milk into liquid, so she got a spoon, peeled back the cardboard, and ate the powder dry. It was the best meal she’d had in two days.

  Kamis suffused sympathy throughout her brain, along with a little bit of contriteness at his assumptions.

  “That’s right,” she said. “Don’t give me shit for my bar of eggs.”

  She munched in peace, letting the gritty eggs crunch between her teeth. Her left leg zinged and she rubbed it, bending her lower back ever so carefully. Kamis cringed inside of her head. Jenny ignored him and rolled to the desk. She pulled up as much of the Kilonova’s status as Mary could glean from inside of the hold.