Five Unicorn Flush

by TJ Berry

  “Shhh. I think he can hear you,” whispered Bào.

  When the elevator door opened, a burst of sound and motion filled the car. Automated damage reports streamed in from several consoles. Crewmembers shouted orders into their comms at waiting rescue and repair teams. Captain Singh stood at the center of it all, taking reports and directing her bridge crew. The officer walked past Ricky and Bào, whispering something to Captain Singh. She looked over at them and rolled her eyes.

  “Pull yourselves together and get over here. Chen, we need you to keep us safe from these Bala scum who attacked our ship,” said Singh. She eyed up Ricky. “We don’t need a doctor up here. Get to the medbay.”

  Ricky didn’t answer. She was too busy staring at the three Bala captives who had been pulled aboard.

  “Oh shit,” she said.

  “No kidding,” added Bào. “I– uh–”

  He was stunned to see Gary Cobalt, his father Findae, and Boges the dwarf standing on the bridge. All three of them were wearing the lower halves of EVA suits, as if they’d just spacewalked over, no big deal.

  “What is it?” snapped Lakshmi.

  “Nothing,” said Bào, suddenly feeling much more sober. “I’d be happy to guard these Bala scum for you, Captain.” Bào gave all three of them a warning look. Gary nodded nearly imperceptibly and Boges averted her eyes. Only Findae held his gaze. The unicorn sniffed the air and Bào braced himself.

  “Is that necromancer Bào Zhú that I smell?” Findae declared.

  Gary sighed so heavily that his breath ruffled the illusion of Kevin Chen’s hair. Bào surged with adrenaline and nullspace energy. He was ready to destroy everyone around them in an instant, but it wasn’t entirely clear who to target. And, also, he was seeing two of everyone and couldn’t figure out which one to aim for.

  Lakshmi rose out of her chair and put a hand on Bào’s shoulder. She leaned down close and whispered in his ear. “Don’t do anything stupid,” she said, walking past him to Findae. “There is no Bào Zhú on my ship, sir. Kevin Chen, our extraordinary necromancer, managed to track the Bala to this planet.”

  Findae reared up as high as he could. Crewmembers scooted their chairs away from him, but kept managing the disaster unfolding several floors below.

  “You are a traitor to the Bala you once served,” Findae roared at Bào.

  Bào’s head swam with drugs and pain and fear. He wanted to reassure the king of the unicorns that he was indeed still loyal to their cause, but if he did so in front of the Kilonova’s crew, he would surely be lynched.

  Findae focused his attention on Ricky. “I see that ne’er-do-well Ricky Tang is with you, as well. Not surprising. I thought you were setting up a new drinking establishment in Fort Jaisalmer. When did you get medical training?”

  Ricky froze in place, wobbling just a bit in her boots. “Oh. Hey. Look. Two unicorns and a dwarf. Let’s just take these Bala and go,” she said.

  “And another thing,” called Findae, narrowing his huge brown eyes at Captain Singh. “The last time we met, you were of considerably lower rank than capt–”

  “All of them, in the brig. Now,” screamed Lakshmi, gesturing at both the Bala and inexplicably at Bào and Ricky. Security Specialist Ramate tapped her console to call for help.

  “Wait, we didn’t do anything,” said Bào, holding up his hands in protest. “I’ll restrain them if you want.” He let fly a sinewy strand of purple lightning from his fingers and snaked it around the three Bala.

  Captain Singh smacked him on the back of the head like an angry auntie.

  “Stop that. Get to the brig, all of you, until I figure out what’s going on.” The elevator doors opened and six security officers marched in.

  “These five,” said Singh. Ricky struggled as a guard pulled her arms behind her back.

  “Be careful with the hands. I’m a surgeon,” she cried. Bào heard a low chuckle from Gary Cobalt.

  “I’m glad you find this funny, Gary,” yelled Ricky. “Every damn time you show up I end up arrested.”

  The elevator door opened again and First Officer Will Penny stepped onto the bridge wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

  “I got a call to come up–” he spotted the Bala captives. “Well fuck me sideways, if it isn’t Gary Cobalt.”

  “Jim,” said Gary, sounding unsurprised.

  “Will Penny,” corrected the first officer. “I’ve got a whole new life now.”

  “Me too,” said Gary. “Until you showed up to destroy it.”

  Ramate stood up and pointed to Boges, who had been quiet this entire time.

  “Not this one. She stays up here,” she said to security. Bào had noticed something odd about this group of guards. All of them were women. Not that women didn’t serve on warships – a warm body was a warm body, after all – it was just that the Reason didn’t typically put them on a single security detail.

  “Why?” barked Lakshmi.

  “Because she’s with us,” replied Ramate.

  Boges’ cheeks turned bright red above her beard. Findae blew out a long snort. “And who is us?” he demanded.

  Ramate unzipped the top half of her uniform. Underneath was a tight red flight suit.

  “We are the Sisters of the Supersymmetrical Axion. And we serve the future,” said Ramate. The security guards stepped to her sides and Bào got the distinct impression that they were loyal to Ramate and not the captain. It was incredibly jarring, seeing a group of Sisters without their opaque veils. They were always so careful about their identities and here they were, just looking like ordinary women.

  “Oh crap. Sisters,” said Ricky, edging behind the bulk of Findae’s unicorn body.

  “Is this true?” Gary asked Boges.

  “It is,” she replied in a voice so quiet that Bào could barely hear her. She looked terrified. “I’m sorry.”

  “Are you the one who shot me in the forest, my dear Boges?” asked Gary.

  She nodded.

  “She shot you?” asked Findae, “That’s a high crime!”

  Gary held up a hand to calm his father. He bent down to Boges’ level.

  “After all we’ve survived together. I think you owe me an explanation,” he said.

  Boges began to cry, tears sparkling in her red beard like stars. She spoke through hiccups and sniffles. “A few of us Sisters are Bala. And we got separated from the rest. So we were trying to figure out what orders to follow when the Pymmie showed up.”

  “On my new planet?” asked Findae incredulously. As if the Pymmie didn’t in fact own everything in the universe already.

  “Yes. We were meeting in the forest, away from everyone else, and they just appeared. They told us about a new threat: an invasion of beings that we’ve never encountered before. They’re infiltrating both the humans and Bala. The Pymmie showed us how to check for people who were infected. That’s why we were pulling people out of the settlement. To quarantine them away from the others. Gary, believe me, if this spreads, it’ll be bad.”

  The red-haired dwarf sounded entirely sincere. Bào sensed no lies behind her words. Gary Cobalt rested a hand on her shoulder.

  “We can fix this, Boges. Just as we’ve fixed everything else in the past,” he said. “You should have come to me.”

  “We didn’t know if you were infected. Not until the octomite checked you,” she said.

  She waved toward Bào, Ricky, Gary, and Findae.

  “Gary’s clean, but we can’t be sure about any of you. You’re going to have to go to the brig until we check you.”

  “I am the king of the–” Findae blustered.

  “There are no more kings,” said Ramate. “Just people and Bala who are going to be extinct if we don’t take action.”

  Singh stepped between them.

  “I’ve been looking for you,” she said. “I have these dreams.”

  “We know about your premonition,” said Ramate. “And we’re doing everything we can to avoid the future that it portends. Frankly, we�
�re impressed that you got all the way out here.”

  Will Penny huffed like an angry stallion. “I figured it out. She took command of this ship on false pretenses. She’s the regimental administrative officer in Colonel Wenck’s office. Only a Lieutenant,” he said. “No qualifications for command, no flight training at all.”

  He laughed and the sound chilled Bào to the bone.

  “She’s the secretary,” Penny drawled with obvious pleasure. “So I guess that makes me captain.”

  “Hardly,” said Ramate, pulling a weapon from under her console. “We brought our own skilled captain to finish this task. We will no longer need either of your services. This ship is ours.”

  Will Penny pulled an antique gun out of the back of his trousers. Bào wondered how he sat down on that thing and if it ever shot him in the rear end. He aimed his weapon at the tactical station where a third-shift cadet sat terrified. “Muster the troops to the personnel carriers,” Penny ordered. “Time to head planetside. We’ve got cattle to round up.”

  Ramate put her hand around Will Penny’s wrist – gently, as if she was taking his arm to dance. He yelped and dropped his gun into her other outstretched palm. She handed it to Boges, who secreted it into one of the many pockets hidden in dwarven clothing.

  “The last thing we need is to shoot a hole in the ship,” she said. It was her turn to address the frightened cadet. “Charge the laser cannon and prepare to fire on the planet.”

  Findae swiveled and kicked his back legs out, smashing the console and sending the cadet lurching away from his station.

  “You will not do this,” said Findae, panting. Plastic and metal bits hit the floor of the bridge.

  Ramate chuckled. “Do you think there aren’t redundancies on the Kilonova? I can launch that weapon from five different locations on this ship.”

  “The Sisters have no reason to destroy the Bala,” said Gary.

  “There can’t be any greater good in that.”

  “We’re not destroying all of you, just the ones that are infected,” said Boges. “We have a list.”

  “Surely they can be helped. Or we can do this in a more humane way,” he said.

  Boges shook her head. “The invaders can survive after a body is killed by conventional means. They can live on in a corpse for years before moving to a new host. There’s no way to get them out and euthanasia or execution doesn’t stem the tide. The infected have to be incinerated.

  “Nonsense,” declared Findae. “I’ve never heard of such a creature.”

  Gary Cobalt’s face went slack. Bào could tell this was the first he was hearing of this. Boges stepped past him and took a seat in the captain’s chair. The Sisters fanned out across the room, hovering over any crewmember who might get it in their heads to resist. Ramate stood waiting for orders.

  “How long before the weapon is charged?” asked Boges.

  “Seventeen minutes,” squeaked the cadet, staring petrified at Ramate and the Sisters around the room.

  “Take them to the brig,” said Boges.

  “I have the list of infected on the Kilonova,” said Ramate. “Gather them up and put all of them in a troop carrier for the surface,” said Boges. “Tell them they’re going to capture the Bala. Get every single one. Don’t let them come in physical contact with anyone else. That’s how the invaders move bodies.”

  Ramate tapped on her console, sending her orders out to the infected crew.

  Bào could see the fear on Boges’ face, but also the resolute stoicism of a dwarf in battle. He lifted his hands to use his powers to remove her from the chair.

  Ramate’s palm rested on the side of his neck. There was no magic in those powerful hands. Just strength, poised to strike. “I don’t think so, Chen,” she said. “Keep your hands down.” Security marched all of them toward the elevator. Gary hesitated.

  “I thought you were on our side…” he trailed off. Boges looked up at him, heartbroken.

  “I know,” she said sadly. “This is the best I could do.”

  Findae roared with the might of a unicorn king, even a deposed one.

  “I will trample your brittle bones until you are nothing but a red smear on the floor,” he sneered.

  Gary continued to reason with any Sister who would listen.

  “Isolate the infected up here. Don’t send them to the surface. We can figure this out,” he said.

  Boges shook her head.

  “The Pymmie have given us their instructions. The infected are to be incinerated on the surface. The laser is the only weapon hot enough. It’s the safest way. We cannot risk them spreading to others… or,” she paused, horrified, “to the stoneships.”

  Stoneships were sentient beings. An entity that powerful and fast with a parasitic infection would be perilous. Let alone five of them.

  “I can’t believe this is the best way,” said Gary, in one final attempt. “Just five minutes to talk through the possibilities–”

  “I trust the Pymmie have done that already,” said Boges. “Just go with them.”

  The security officers pushed everyone into the elevator except Findae. There wasn’t room for that many people plus a full unicorn. He stayed behind with a couple of the guards. Even so, the elevator was tightly packed with bodies. Bào inched as close as he could to Gary. It was remarkable how much safer he felt with his former leader here.

  “I came to help,” whispered Bào.

  “Me too,” added Ricky.

  “That’s good to hear,” said Gary. He looked away and ran a hand across his eyes. Bào couldn’t be sure but he thought perhaps Gary Cobalt was crying.

  “If the Pymmie are involved, you won’t be able to sway them,” said Bào, trying to console him.

  “That doesn’t mean we give up,” said Gary.

  “I’m sorry about Boges,” said Bào. “It’s hard to know whose side anyone is on these days.”

  “You can drop the illusion,” said Gary. “They know who you are.”

  Bào glanced up at Ricky, leaning against the elevator wall, barely paying attention to their conversation. He wasn’t quite ready to show her his true outer self.

  “I think I’ll stick with Kevin Chen for the moment,” he said. “Just in case.”

  “Must be exhausting, spending your days pretending to be something you are not,” said Gary bitterly. Bào surmised he didn’t only mean Kevin Chen. He and Boges had been close for nearly a century. That she had betrayed him now seemed to weigh on him heavily.

  The elevator stopped and the guards prodded them forward. Ricky roused herself from the steel wall.

  “How’s the new planet?” she asked blearily.

  “Pink,” said Gary. “You would love it.”

  The guards marched them into a secure holding area with benches and bars. The usual unimaginative Reason prison that Bào had seen the inside of again and again. There was one person already in the holding area when they entered, tucked into the corner on the bench. She lifted her head and began to laugh.

  “Oh look, the gang’s all here,” she said.

  “Jenny fucking Perata,” said Ricky, suddenly sounding very sober. “Where there’s trouble, you’re never far behind.”

  “One could say the same about you,” answered the woman on the bench. She looked like she had been through a war. She wore an old Reason uniform, unzipped and untucked. The backs of her arms were covered in shiny spray-on skin. Dark bruises pooled beneath her eyes, which were bloodshot and exhausted. Bào barely recognized her as the confident captain he’d spoken to just six weeks ago.

  Anger swelled in Bào. This was the woman who had left him adrift in openspace. And before that, had shot him through with shrapnel at the Siege of Copernica Citadel. He fought the urge to reach out with nullspace energy and crush that bruised head topped with a bird’s nest of tangled brown hair. It would only take a moment to snatch her life away.

  Gary took a seat next to her.

  “Hey Gary,” she said.

  “Hey J
enny,” he replied, patting her leg. She winced and he stopped.

  “I made it,” she said through gritted teeth. “I said I would.” “So you did,” he said, leaning closer until they were shoulder to shoulder. “No one should ever doubt your tenacity.”

  Bào slunk off to the far side of the room and planted himself next to Ricky, who was warm and soft against his tired bones. It appeared that Gary was friendly with Captain Perata. In that case he would bide his time and not be too eager to crack her skull.

  Jenny lifted her arm and smiled wearily at the patches of fake skin that were starting to peel off in sheets. “You know, things worth doing are never easy,” she said.

  “Bào, this is what they call a Jenny Perata sort of rescue,” said Ricky, loud enough for those across the room to hear. “In which Jenny fucking Perata shows up and you end up worse off than you were before.”

  “I’ve missed you too,” said Jenny. Her eyes unfocused for a minute, then she nodded. Bào surmised she had an earpiece to her own crew. Maybe they were still loose on the Kilonova somewhere and coming to their aid.

  “How many people do you have with you?” he asked her, hoping no one mentioned he was Bào Zhú under the Kevin Chen disguise.

  “How many?” she laughed. “Just me. And my ship’s AI, who is pretty helpful.”

  Ricky put her arm around Bào’s shoulders and he settled in next to her, he was starting to catch a chill as he sobered up. “Fantastic rescue. You and a computer. At least I made a friend. My buddy Kevin here helped me put a piece of criosphinx horn into the FTL drive. It’s was supposed to fuck up everything,” said Ricky.

  “Huh. Was that the little brown thing I found in the cabinet?” said Jenny. “I took that out.”

  “You took it out?” cried Ricky. “We spent an hour figuring out how to get it in there.”

  “I was getting my horn back and disabling the ship,” shouted Jenny. “How was I supposed to know that you already had a fake horn in there?”

  “You could look,” said Ricky. “I mean, take a moment and evaluate the situation before you undo someone else’s very hard work.”

  “I didn’t know,” said Jenny.

  “You are ridiculous,” said Ricky, leaning back against the wall in a pout.