Anyone but Her

by Erica Lee

  Once he was next to us, he clapped his hands together. “Who’s next?”

  I stood up. “I’ll go. That way Reagan can see how you’re actually supposed to do it.” Truthfully, the serious conversation, mixed with the feeling of being so close to Reagan, had been too much for me. I figured I could use the open water to center myself.

  Once I had myself situated, I motioned for my brother to start. He was nice enough to start slow, so I could pull myself up. Even as he picked up a little bit of speed, I was able to balance myself. Years of cheerleading had certainly come in handy for sports like this. When I started to feel more confident, I dared to look toward the boat. My body immediately heated up at the sight of Reagan’s eyes on me. I realize it was her job to watch me, but the intensity of her stare was too much to handle. A small smile played on her lips when she noticed me staring back at her. I tried to bring my attention back to the water skis, but it was too late. Before I knew what was happening, I had lost my balance and was crashing hard into the water. I was definitely going to feel that one in the morning. As I struggled to regain enough composure to push to the surface of the water, I heard a splash a few feet away from me. When I was able to focus on my surroundings, I saw Reagan wading beside me.

  “Are you okay?” she asked breathlessly. “That was a pretty nasty spill.”

  I patted my hands up and down my body. “Yep. Everything seems to be intact. Except my pride of course.”

  To my surprise, Reagan’s hands reached out and grabbed a hold of my life vest. The motion caused our bodies to drift closer to each other, and for an instant, we both stayed like this. I didn’t dare ask Reagan what she was doing, in fear that the moment might end. It turned out, I didn’t have to ask though.

  Reagan’s eyes drifted down to the life vest she was holding. “Think you can keep yourself in one piece to get back to the boat if I borrow this from you?”

  “Oh. Of course,” I stumbled. I quickly removed the vest and swam back to the boat in order to avoid embarrassing myself any more than I already had.

  Once back on the boat, I rested against the back of the driver’s seat that my brother was occupying. I split my attention between Jamie and Reagan. Reagan signaled that she was ready and, impressively, it only took her a few attempts to get up on the skis. “Your girlfriend is pretty cool. You know that, right? You’re a lucky man to be dating her.”

  “Gee, Sis, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you want to date her,” he teased.

  I could tell by his boyish grin that he was joking, but it was still weird to hear it said out loud. “Oh. I’m not. I mean… I don’t. No,” I stuttered.

  Jamie’s face fell flat at my rambling. “Calm down. It was a joke.”

  “Well, it was kind of a weird one,” I mumbled.

  Jamie shrugged his shoulders. “Reagan does always say the only person in the world that finds me funny is myself.”

  This confession brought a smile to my face. “Smart girl. Speaking of which, she told me I should talk to you… about Mom and Dad. She mentioned that we may have the same feelings about certain things.”

  Jamie lifted one eyebrow, but his face remained stoic.

  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

  “Did she now?”

  “She did.” Might as well just say it. “Do you ever feel like you don’t live up to Mom and Dad’s expectations?”

  “Aside from every single day of my life? Nope.”

  I let out a sigh of relief at this confession. “I honestly thought I was the only one.”

  Jamie laughed earnestly. “Are you kidding me? You’re a doctor. I’m just a measly school teacher to them.”

  I looked toward the sky, squinting as the sun hit my eyes. “Mom doesn’t care that I’m a doctor. She’s much more impressed by boyfriends and babies than any doctorate degree.”

  My attention was brought back to Jamie, as I felt his hand rest upon mine. He gave it a gentle squeeze and smiled at me. “For what it’s worth, I’m proud of you. I think it’s really cool and super impressive. God knows I couldn’t have forced myself to stay in school that long.”

  Before I could chime in with the fact that I saw nothing measly about being a school teacher, our conversation was cut short by the sound of Reagan’s voice telling us she was ready to stop. I watched in admiration as she perfectly executed the steps we gave her to get off of the water skis without falling.

  “Um, Sis?” my brother’s voice cut in. “You do realize that we both just got shown up by an amateur, right?”

  The rest of the day was spent between taking turns driving the boat as fast as we legally could and stopping to take dips into the river. It was the perfect day and the first time I had felt truly relaxed since moving back home.

  ***

  I should’ve realized that feeling wouldn’t last. As soon as we walked into the house later that afternoon, my mother greeted us at the door. Except greet was too nice of a word. Attack was more like it.

  “You all need to shower. The family is coming over for dinner, so I need you looking presentable.”

  Within an hour, our house was filled with my uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, and Mary Beth. I rolled my eyes when I saw that my mom had invited her once again. She really needed to stop doing that. The last thing I wanted was for Reagan to get the wrong idea.

  Before greeting anyone else, I walked up to Mary Beth. “Listen, I’m not trying to be rude, but we’ve talked about this. You need to move on. Whatever you think is going to happen, isn’t.”

  “Who says I haven’t moved on?” Mary Beth scoffed. “Your family just happens to be like a second family to me. I’m not going to let that go just because of a relationship in the past.”

  I rolled my eyes, but before I could respond, Jamie walked up beside me and put a hand on my shoulder. “Mary Beth, it’s nice to see you. How are you doing?”

  “I’m good, Jamie. How is your girlfriend?”

  I rolled my eyes at the way she emphasized girlfriend.

  “I’m good. Thank you so much for asking, Mary Beth,” a newly arrived Reagan answered, sarcasm oozing from her words.

  Mary Beth looked between the three of us, her face growing more red with each sweep. “I’m going to help your mother set the table.”

  As soon as she was far enough away, the three of us burst into laughter. “Thanks for trying, Sis.” Jamie gave my shoulder one more squeeze before letting his hand drop.

  “You bet,” I grumbled.

  The conversation with Mary Beth was child’s play compared to what I had to endure throughout dinner. I had to listen to an extensive conversation about Jamie and Reagan’s future reproductive plans. I did find it reassuring that they seemed to be just as uncomfortable with the conversation and didn’t reveal much.

  It was my Aunt Dina who finally changed the subject, but unfortunately she directed the conversation over to me. “What about you, Charlie? Did you meet any nice doctors while in school?”

  I wanted to give the snarky answer that I had met tons of nice doctors since I graduated with over a hundred of them, but I simply shook my head. “Optometry school didn’t leave much time for a relationship.” Not a complete lie.

  “Plus, it’s going to take a very special man to be good enough for my Homecoming Queen,” my dad added with a wink.

  My cousin-in-law Naomi gasped from the other end of the table as if she had either had an epiphany or dared to try a bite of Nana’s Jell-O mold. “I know the perfect guy for you. He owns his own auto body shop so you could totally be a stay-at-home mom if you wanted.”

  Tell that to my student loan debt.

  “That’s cool,” I lied. “But I should probably let myself get settled a bit before I start dating.”

  “Oh, Charlotte,” my mom sighed. “You really should take advantage of this opportunity. It’s unusual for someone your age to still be single. You should scoop him up before another girl does.”

  My Aunt Dina waved her fork between my
mother and me. “Your mother’s right, you know. Most people your age are married with kids by now. Just look at my three boys.”

  The sound of silverware being dropped caused us all to look across the table at Nana. “Why do you people insist on talking so much? Can’t a woman just enjoy her meal in peace? Sheesh,” she groaned.

  The silence that followed was marvelous, and for the rest of the meal only light whispers traveled throughout the room. After dinner, my cousins’ kids went outside to catch fireflies and I used this distraction to sneak away. Once back in my room, I threw myself onto my bed and took a deep breath. Suffocating. That’s how meals like that always felt. Unable to shake the feeling, I opened my window and crawled out onto the roof, taking in the fresh air. I had learned at much too young an age that the partially flat roof made for an excellent spot for me to get away and think. Something about being under the stars and out of the view of others felt surreal. I was surprised when I heard someone at the window just a few minutes later, figuring that no one would even notice I was gone.

  “Mind if I join you?” Reagan asked hesitantly.

  “Go for it.” My voice sounded much more somber than expected, causing Reagan to take a moment to study me before sitting down.

  “I have a feeling this is a sacred spot for you, so I’m not going to force a conversation.”

  I took Reagan’s words as permission to stay quiet. For a few minutes, we sat in silence, the sound of crickets the only thing filling the air. “I forgot how hard it is to breathe around here,” I finally spoke. Reagan didn’t say anything, but looked at me in a way that told me she was waiting for me to elaborate. “When I was in California, everything felt so easy. I could completely be myself. Here, I feel like I’m playing a part.”

  “And what part is that, Charlie?” The sincerity in Reagan’s voice almost caused tears to come to my eyes. Instead, I stared up at the night sky, silently counting the stars.

  “I don’t know. The part of the perfect daughter. The All-American girl. The popular cheerleader who peaked in high school.”

  Reagan was quiet as she took in my words. “Can I ask you something?”

  I swallowed hard, wondering what she could possibly have to ask me and praying it wasn’t about my big secret. Still, the softness in Reagan’s voice made me want to tell her anything. Everything. “Sure,” I whispered.

  “So, high school. Were you the social, popular girl because you thought you needed to be?”

  I shook my head. “Not at all actually. I loved cheerleading and I’m naturally an extroverted person, so surrounding myself with people was what made me happy. I never strived to be popular. It just kind of came with the territory of being friends with everyone. Do I think that being crowned Homecoming Queen was my greatest accomplishment? Hell no. But I’m also not going to lie and say that it meant nothing to me. I guess in all of this rambling, what I’m trying to say is pretty much everything I did in high school was true to who I was inside, except for…” I stopped myself before the rest of the words were out of my mouth.

  Reagan reached over and rested a hand on my knee, lightly squeezing it in support. “Except for what?”

  This time, tears did come to my eyes. “Except for… except for dating guys.” I said the last part so fast that I wasn’t even sure if it was discernible. From the way Reagan’s eyes widened though, I figured she must have caught it.

  I watched as she swallowed hard before speaking. “What are you saying, Charlie?”

  “I’m gay, okay? I like girls. I came to terms with it years ago, but no one in my family knows. I hate having this secret, but I’m scared to death about what will happen if they find out.” As soon as the words were out, I regretted what I had done. I barely knew Reagan. How was I supposed to know that she wouldn’t out me? “Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. Please, Reagan. Promise me that you won’t tell anyone.”

  Reagan looked into my eyes, and I felt a shift in the energy between us. It wasn’t bad, just different. Reagan reached out and placed one hand against my cheek, wiping away my tears with her thumb. The rush of emotions that overtook me were almost too much to bear. I was confused, scared, and turned on all at the same time.

  “Shh,” Reagan whispered. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

  I responded only by nodding, and Reagan brought her other hand up to mirror the first, now moving both thumbs over my cheeks. I dared a look into her eyes and her stare was so intense that I wanted to look away, but couldn’t if I tried.

  “It’s okay,” Reagan repeated, even more quietly than the first time.

  I was so overwhelmed that I almost missed Reagan moving her face closer to mine. I almost missed the way she subtly licked her lips while looking toward mine. What I didn’t miss was the sigh that left her mouth as I closed the gap between us. Soon, I was overwhelmed by the feeling of lips on lips. Fireworks went off behind my closed eyes as Reagan’s tongue slipped into my mouth. I graciously accepted it, relishing the way it felt against mine.

  I couldn’t believe it. I was kissing Reagan. Reagan was kissing me back. Holy shit. What? I was kissing Reagan, my brother’s girlfriend. What the hell was I doing? I swiftly pulled away, immediately feeling the loss. Reagan was staring at me, eyes wide. “What the hell? What the hell, Reagan? Oh my God. What did I do? What did you do?”

  “It’s okay,” Reagan repeated once again, only this time it sounded much more strained and not nearly as convincing.

  “It’s not okay. Nothing is okay about this. You’re dating my brother. Why would you kiss me?” At this point, I was practically screaming, overwhelmed with a mixture of guilt and lust.

  “Technically, we kissed each other,” Reagan’s answer was much too matter-of-fact for the current situation we were in.

  “Okay, but you started it,” I fought back, immediately cringing at myself for sounding like a child. “Why, Reagan?”

  Reagan swallowed hard and looked down toward her hands. “I don’t know. You were so sad. I guess… I guess I just wanted to comfort you.”

  “Comfort me?” I bit back. “That’s how you comfort someone?”

  I shook my head in frustration, trying to figure out how we could handle this. I should tell my brother. Coming clean was the right thing to do. But how was I ever going to come out if I lost my one possible ally? “That was a big mistake,” I whispered. “That shouldn’t have happened. I think we should keep it to ourselves. On second thought, I think we should just forget about it all together.”

  A distressed look appeared on Reagan’s face and for a second, I thought she might fight me on it. “You’re… you’re right,” she conceded, hanging her head. “I’m really sorry, Charlie. I’m going to give you some space.”

  I laughed bitterly to myself as she went inside. The kind of space that I needed was the space that I wouldn’t be getting for another four weeks. One week at a time, I told myself. One week at a time.

  ***

  One week at a time was a tough mantra to follow when the days dragged. It was only Tuesday and it felt like a lifetime had passed since the kiss, instead of just three days. I cycled between feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion. Kissing Reagan felt better than I could have dreamt. But I still couldn’t understand why it happened. She was comforting me? A simple it gets better would have done just fine. Was this some weird misdirected cis straight girl way of showing that she accepts gay people?

  As angry as I was at her, I was even more angry at myself. I was angry that I had let it happen, but even more angry that I didn’t think I would go back and change it if I could. What kind of sister was I? Jamie and I were finally growing closer, and now I couldn’t even look at him without a tremendous amount of guilt coursing through me.

  The only positive over the past few days was the fact that Reagan was just as committed to avoiding each other as I was. She had even committed to sticking around for family time until my parents went to bed, so she could sneak into my brother’s room
. She would eventually make her way back to my room, most likely once she thought I was asleep. Of course, I never was. I was too busy trying to will myself not to think about what was going on just a few doors down from mine.

  “What do you think, Charlie? Does that sound like a good plan to you?” I looked up from the cereal I had been mindlessly staring at, to find Mom waiting for the answer to a question I hadn’t heard.

  “Yeah, sure. Sounds good, Mom,” I mumbled.

  “Perfect. Girls’ shopping spree, it is.”

  Shit.

  It didn’t take long to figure out how much I had missed when I let my mind wander to Reagan during breakfast. My dad needed help on a project for work and had recruited Jamie, at which point my mom suggested that us girls (my mom, Reagan, Grandma, and I) go to the outlet mall an hour from our house. I knew I couldn’t back out after I agreed. That outlet mall was like freaking gold to people who had never gotten out of my hometown, like my mother and grandma.

  That’s how I found myself spending the day with Reagan after a successful bout of avoidance. Luckily, my mother kept her occupied, while I spent most of the time wandering around either alone or with my grandma. I made the mistake of silently congratulating myself for keeping it together as I walked into the dressing room of the last store of the day. Talk about jinxing yourself. The struggle to get into the skinniest skinny jeans that I could find in the store was worth it when I looked in the mirror and saw how nicely they hugged my curves. Perfect. I would get these jeans and wear them the next time I went on a date. A real date. With a girl who actually likes girls. This would have been the perfect plan if it wasn’t for the fact that the zipper decided to get caught and wouldn’t budge as I tried to pull it down. I fought with the zipper until my fingers hurt so bad I thought they might start to bleed. Out of desperation, I tried to pull the pants down still zipped, which didn’t work since they were practically painted on.