Anyone but Her

by Erica Lee

  Unfortunately, Reagan’s face dropped. “Listen, Charlie, I want to be with you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life, and I hope you realize I truly mean that. I don’t take anything that happened between us lightly. Our time together was amazing.”

  Her words hit me right in the gut, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I thought my parents finding out I was gay was going to be the most heartbreaking part of this day, but my mother’s glare didn’t even compare to the stabbing pain of Reagan’s words. “W-Was?” I stuttered.

  Reagan blinked her eyes rapidly, clearly trying to stop the tears from coming back, and I felt my heart break even more. “I can’t do it, Charlie. I meant what I said this morning. I really thought we could talk to your brother and figure out a way to make him okay with this, but after everything that happened today…” Reagan paused and took a few deep breaths. “I honestly don’t know if Jamie will ever forgive me. How would we get past that? I know I couldn’t. Jamie has been a huge jerk lately, but two weeks of fighting doesn’t erase years of friendship. Then there’s the rest of your family. I have a feeling I’m no one’s favorite person, and the last thing I want is to pull you away from them.”

  I didn’t try to hold back the tears that were now running down my face. There was no reason to hide what I was feeling. Not in front of Reagan. “B-But can’t we at least try to make this work somehow? It seems so wrong to just give up.”

  “I wish we could. God, I so wish we could. I’m just so scared we would end up resenting each other and I don’t ever want that to happen, Charlie. You’re smart and beautiful and everything right about this world. That’s how I want to remember you.”

  Her words made me feel both angry and sad. I knew there was some truth to what she was saying, but I didn’t want to hear it. I needed Reagan now more than ever. I needed her strength and her warmth. I needed her sense of humor and charm. How could I possibly get through this without her? How could she expect me to?

  I didn’t have much time to consider these questions, because soon my navigation directed me to pull into the driveway of a cute ranch style house. “So, this is where you grew up?” I asked, not sure what else to say.

  “Yep. This is where the magic happened,” Reagan attempted to joke, but her words fell flat.

  We both fell silent, hands still tightly wound together, as if neither of us were ready to let go. “Can… Can you do me a favor?” I finally found the courage to ask.

  “Of course. I’d do anything for you,” Reagan answered firmly.

  “Will you kiss me one more time?”

  Without responding, Reagan removed her hand from mine and undid her seatbelt, then leaned across the middle console, placing her hand over my cheek. She stared into my eyes for a brief, yet electrifying, moment, then leaned in and connected her lips with mine. The kiss was everything. It was beautiful and tragic all at once. As our mouths moved against one another, I could taste the salt of both of our tears. Then all too soon, it was over. Reagan placed one quick kiss on my forehead and pulled away, no longer able to look at me.

  “Take care of yourself, Charlie,” she muttered, before grabbing her bag and slipping out of my car.

  I watched her walk up the sidewalk, praying she would turn around. I would have given anything to look in her eyes one more time. I didn’t get that chance though. Soon, she was through the front door and out of sight. I sighed to myself, before putting a new address into my navigation. I was unsure why I chose this destination, but also knew I couldn’t go home.

  ***

  I took a deep breath before knocking on the door of my brother’s apartment. For all I knew, he was going to take one look at me and slam the door in my face. When the door opened, Jamie stared out at me, a look of complete surprise present on his face. The surprise was mine when he reached out and pulled me into a tight embrace. I sunk into him and finally let go of my emotions. My sobs came out as rapid breaths and Jamie squeezed me even tighter, before pulling away to direct me into his apartment. He helped me sit on the couch, then walked out of the room, returning a few minutes later with two steaming mugs of coffee.

  “I thought you could probably use this. Still two creams, two sugars?”

  I nodded and took the outstretched mug.

  Jamie joined me on the couch, then set his cup down on the coffee table. He studied me for a moment, before he spoke again. “Did you see the group text from Uncle Mike and Aunt Sarah?”

  I shook my head. I had heard my phone going off a lot throughout my drive, but refused to look at it. I pulled it out of my purse and found over twenty notifications. “It’s good to know someone supports us,” I breathed, as I read the text explaining that they accepted us and their family was here if we needed anything. I clicked on the next text, which was sent from Aunt Dina. “Did you also get the bible verse from Aunt D?” I asked, the words from Leviticus jumping off of the screen at me.

  “No, but Uncle Shane sent me a strongly worded text about how real men follow God and not the temptations of the devil.”

  I cringed, then opened up the next text message. “Naomi was nice. She apologized for trying to set me up with Travis and said she never would have if she’d known I was gay. She also told me she has no issue with people being gay, but asked that I not share that bit of information with her husband.”

  To my surprise, Jamie snorted at this. “Sounds like a solid foundation for a relationship.”

  I threw my phone to the side and put my hand on top of his. “I’m so sorry this happened, Jamie. I never meant for you to get outed, especially not like this.”

  Jamie shrugged his shoulders. “It’s alright. I needed to come out eventually, and there are worse ways it could have happened.”

  “Oh yeah?” I chortled, raising one eyebrow.

  “Of course. I could have been the one with my hand down someone’s pants. You really took one for the team with that one.” Jamie’s face split into a wicked grin. “Speaking of which, where is Reagan?”

  My relief over my brother’s reaction was quickly washed away at the mention of Reagan’s name. “I dropped her off at her parent’s house. She didn’t think you would want her here.”

  “Well, she’s got that right,” Jamie scoffed. His face softened and he added, “You’re welcome to stay here as long as you want to though. I’m sure Reagan won’t care if you stay in her room for now.”

  I shook my head. “I couldn’t do that. If you’re truly okay with me staying for a bit, I’ll just sleep on the couch.”

  Jamie put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “You can stay here as long as you need to. I can’t imagine being home with Mom and Dad right now, so I’m sure you don’t want that either. You’re not sleeping on the couch though. I’m sure Reagan would have no problem with you sleeping in her room.”

  I didn’t miss the way his tone changed at the mention of Reagan. “I’m confused. Why are you being so nice to me if you’re clearly super pissed at Reagan? This is just as much my fault as it is hers. I’m actually more guilty. I was the one who unlocked the door and was also the one who insisted we have one last romp before joining the family. If I had just listened to Reagan and left the room, none of this would have happened.” I stopped myself from mentioning the fact that he wasn’t innocent in all of this and also had plenty to apologize for. I was too tired to fight, and no matter what had happened these past few weeks, I needed my brother right now.

  “No offense Sis, but it’s no secret we haven’t been super close since high school. Higher expectations yield higher disappointment. Plus, you’re my twin. I have to love you no matter what. It says so in the twin handbook.” He playfully elbowed me in the side, but became serious again when he saw the concern on my face. “Don’t worry about Reagan and me, okay? You’re right. I am super pissed at her right now, but that doesn’t mean I love her any less. God knows I adore that girl. I just need some time to move on from all of this. Why don’t you head down the hall and get yourself se
ttled? Reagan’s room is the last door on the left.”

  I stood from the couch, but paused before turning to leave. “Reagan ended things between us, you know. She did that for you.” I walked away before Jamie could see the tears that would inevitably start falling again.

  ***

  Later that night, I lay in Reagan’s bed and took in the view around me. Her comforter was striped with different shades of blue, which matched the color in some of the paintings on her wall. On the nightstand beside her bed, there were two pictures. One was her and Jamie wearing matching T-shirts and holding up small trophies. They had their arms draped around each other and were smiling from ear to ear. The other picture was Reagan standing with three other people at what seemed to be a Pride festival. They were all decked out in rainbow outfits and from the similarities in appearance between the four of them, I figured it must be Reagan’s family.

  I pulled out my phone, telling myself it wasn’t right for me to be staying in Reagan’s room without her permission. Deep down, I knew she wouldn’t care, but I needed an excuse to talk to her, no matter how lame it might be. I pulled up her contact information and contemplated whether I should call or text. I let my thumb hover over the call button, then decided it was for the best if I just sent a text instead. I stared at our chat for at least ten minutes before finally typing out a new message.

  Hey, Reagan! I wasn’t ready to face my parents, so I decided to stay with Jamie for a few days. I hope that’s okay. Jamie said I could stay in your room, but it didn’t feel right to stay here without asking.

  Much to my surprise, I received a response less than a minute later.

  Of course I don’t mind. I want you to do whatever you need to. I just want you to be happy.

  How could I possibly be happy without you? I hit backspace instead of sending those words, then tried something else. YOU make me happy. No, that was still too much. I like your room. Stupid, but safe.

  Reagan’s response was almost immediate again. Oh yeah? What do you like about it?

  This time, the words were easy to come by. It reminds me of you.

  I stared at my phone and watched as the word bubbles popped up, indicating Reagan was typing. Just as quickly, they disappeared and no text came through. This happened a few more times, before her words finally popped up on my screen.

  I miss you.

  I started to type my reply when another text came through.

  Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I’m only going to make this harder on both of us. This was rapidly followed by a third text. It’s probably for the best if we don’t talk right now. It’s too hard.

  I sent one last text, unable to resist. I miss you too, Reagan. So much.

  I figured she wouldn’t reply, but was still disappointed when ten minutes had passed and my screen remained dark. I set my phone on the nightstand and pulled Reagan’s comforter over me. I inhaled deeply through my nose, taking in Reagan’s scent, and imagined I was wrapped in her arms. Except I knew the truth—nothing could ever compare to being wrapped in Reagan Cooper’s arms.

  ***

  A week had passed since Jamie and my big coming out and we had yet to hear anything else from our parents or from Reagan. Jaime seemed to be okay with both of those facts, while the latter was eating me up inside. We avoided talking about anything that had happened. Instead, we spent our time binging on Lifetime movies and junk food. We were on movie number three and pizza number two of the day when my phone rang, causing us both to jump. My anxiety skyrocketed when I saw it was my mother calling. I turned the phone toward Jamie and watched as his eyes widened. I hit the accept button and immediately put it on speaker phone so Jamie could hear.

  “H-hello?”

  My mother exhaled loudly before speaking. “Well, it’s nice to know you’re alive. Are you with that girl right now?”

  I cringed at the way my mother referred to Reagan as that girl just as my father had a week prior. “That girl has a name. It’s Reagan. And no, I’m not with her right now. She’s at her parents’ house and I’m at Jamie’s apartment.”

  “James is there? Can he hear me?”

  “Yes, Mom,” Jamie responded flatly.

  “Good,” my mom responded a bit too enthusiastically. “Your father is here with me. Now we only need to have this conversation once.” She paused as if she was trying to decide what to say next. “Your father and I would very much appreciate it if the two of you would reconsider your current opinions on those of the same gender as you.”

  It took everything in me not to laugh at her choice of words. I knew this was far from humorous but her ridiculousness almost caused me to forget about that. “Mom, are you asking us to reconsider being gay?”

  “I’m not sure I like that word, but yes, that’s exactly what we’re asking. I know TV and movies these days would like you to believe differently, but there is nothing normal or acceptable about liking the same gender.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, Mom.” My voice exuded much more confidence than I felt, but I continued to speak over the sound of my beating heart. “Being gay is normal and it’s also accepted by many people nowadays.”

  “Did that… Did Reagan tell you that?”

  I looked over at Jamie and rolled my eyes dramatically. “No. Living in the twenty-first century told me that.”

  My mom sighed, and I could almost picture her at home shaking her head at the phone. “Is James still there? Could I speak to him, please?”

  I handed Jamie the phone, but left the speaker on. “What’s up, Mom?”

  “James, I’m going to be honest. I think we have a better chance of saving you since you haven’t gone as far over to the dark side as Charlotte.”

  I swallowed hard at my mother’s words, curious how my brother would respond. It seemed he still had a shot at being the golden child.

  “I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Mom. I have a feeling I’ve probably had sex with a lot more guys than Charlie has girls. And guess what? You know Reagan, who you seem to love blaming for all of this? My number would be even higher if it weren’t for her. She kept me from making many drunken mistakes over the years. If this is the dark side, I don’t think I want to see the light.”

  There was silence on the other end of the phone, until my dad’s voice came booming in. “You better apologize for speaking to your mother that way, young man.”

  My brother kept his voice surprisingly steady as he responded to my father. “You’re right. That was inappropriate, and I’m sorry. I just don’t like hearing Charlie and Reagan being put down.”

  “I… I guess I’m sorry too,” my mom answered quietly, actually sounding ashamed. She was silent for a minute before adding, “So, is there really nothing we can do to change this?”

  “All you can do is accept it,” Jamie stated firmly. “Or at least… we hope you can.”

  My mom sighed once again. “You know we can’t do that. We love you two and nothing could ever change that, but we won’t accept this part of you.”

  Jamie gave me a weak smile and took my hand. “That’s too bad, but we accept ourselves and we accept each other, so that will have to be enough for us for now.”

  “I guess it will,” my mother answered stiffly. “Well, that’s all. Just remember that we love you, and Charlotte, you are welcome to come back home whenever you would like.”

  As soon as Jamie hung up the phone, I let out an exasperated breath. I squeezed Jamie’s hand that was still holding onto mine. “I can’t believe you stood up to Mom and Dad.”

  “Honestly, I can’t either. I couldn’t take it though. Listening to the way she was talking about you and Reagan… It was all too much. It made me realize just how terrible I was to you after I caught the two of you together. I really am sorry.”

  I waved a hand at him. “We both have a lot to be sorry about. Maybe we should just call it even.”

  Jamie’s smile grew with my words. “Deal.”

  “Maybe you should call it even
with Reagan as well. You weren’t exactly the nicest to her either.”

  Jamie ran a hand through his hair and looked toward the floor. “I know. I really do. It’s just… we’ve always told each other everything and finding out the way I did was really hurtful.”

  “I’m sure it was and I’m truly sorry about that. I know Reagan is too. It all happened so fast that we really didn’t have a chance to fully consider the consequences.”

  “And what about now?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Are you guys seriously over?”

  I took a shaky breath, trying to will myself not to start crying again. I’d done that enough over the past week. There was no way I could ever admit to Jamie that I spent every night bawling over the pictures of Reagan on her nightstand. “It sure seems that way.”

  Jamie studied my face for a long time. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”

  I put my face in my hands. Why did everyone insist on asking me that? “It really doesn’t matter how I feel. Reagan made her decision, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  “The decision she made because of me. Shit, Charlie. I had no idea it was so serious.”

  I moved my hands and looked over at Jamie, whose face had turned as white as a ghost. “I know you probably think I’m crazy, but I can’t help it. Reagan opened something up in me and I don’t think I’ll ever be the same now.” With this confession, I finally allowed myself to cry in front of Jamie. Much to my surprise, instead of reaching out to comfort me, he stood from the couch. “Where are you going?” I asked his retreating, blurry figure.

  Jamie hurried back to the couch and placed one kiss on my forehead. “I’m going to make things right.”

  Chapter 11: Reagan

  One week. One week without the taste of Charlie’s lips. One week without the touch of her hands. One week without her contagious smile and intoxicating laugh. I had gone twenty-six years without any of this and after just one month of having it all, one week was killing me. I had spent the past week questioning how this had happened. Not the fallout. I would never forget that. How could I have fallen for someone so fast? I felt pathetic staying in bed all day to mourn over someone I barely knew. Except it didn’t feel like I barely knew Charlie. I knew every curve of her body and exactly where to touch to elicit certain responses. I knew the way her voice sounded in the morning and the way she liked to be held at night. I knew all about the dreams she didn’t share with others, but had chosen to share with me.