After twenty minutes of sitting, she cleared her throat and whispered, “Goodbye Mum, goodbye Dad.” Although Susan tried to control the sobs, they broke free. Beth stood back – grief needed release.
When Susan had managed to recover herself, Beth stepped forward with a single rose. “You forgot one,” she said.
Susan turned and looked at her confused. “Beth, what do you mean?”
Beth took her hand. “I think you know. Lay the flower with your folks and say your peace; let them take her with them. She squeezed Susan’s hand and walked to the car.
Susan stood holding the rose, not minding the thorns. Beth was right, it was time to say her peace. She bent down in the empty space between her parents and her grandmother, kissed the rose and placed it down between them. “I think about you every day, I always have. You never got to know what it felt like to be loved, but you are. In my heart you are always loved. Goodbye, sweetheart, I will never forget you.” Susan stood up and blew a kiss before re-joining Beth at the car.
She felt overwhelmed with emotions, but good emotions; she felt happy that she finally got to say goodbye to them all and she had a place she could come to whenever she needed to check in. Smiling, she climbed in the car with Beth. “Thank you, you’ve no idea what that meant to me.”
Beth smiled. “I think I do.”
CHAPTER 10
Susan climbed out of bed to the smell of breakfast cooking. She felt her stomach twist and her head pounded; she recalled with annoyance that her period was due; always a chore. She groaned remembering that she also had counselling session, which was okay, but they always left her feeling a little edgy, and in need of a large glass of wine. Max was still very much on the ‘no drinking’ thing, which she knew was for the best, but really took a shine off things.
She was confused why Max hadn’t left for work; he hadn’t mentioned taking leave. When she got to the kitchen door, he was placing eggs onto a plate. “Hey, sleepy head, I tried waking you but…” He shrugged and smiled at her as she sat down.
She took a sip of her coffee. It tasted odd, as if it had gone stale. “Why are you not at work yet?” she said
He walked to the dining room door and opened it. “We were going to sort through these boxes, remember?” The pile of ten or so boxes had been piled up to make space for Max’s paperwork and office stuff, but they needed to be sorted before putting them in the attic.
“Ah, yeah, I forgot all about that.” Susan’s memory had been playing tricks on her the last couple of days, she kept forgetting little things and she put it down to the emotional roller coaster she was riding. “But I’ve got my session this morning.” Looking at the clock, she realized that meant it was in less than an hour.
“It’s okay, while you’re out I’ll drag the boxes into the living room. What’s in them, anyway?” Max quizzed.
Susan was tucking into her eggs. She was starving and didn’t really want to be bothered with a full-on conversation. She said between mouthfuls, “They were left when my grandmother died. They got put into storage by the estate agent and then moved back when I came back. I think he must have had a sweet spot for Gran.”
Finishing her breakfast, she ran upstairs to get ready when Max came into the bedroom. He looked at his watch and raised an eyebrow whilst flashing a sexy little smile.
“No, you don’t,” she laughed, “Get out, I’m already running late and you’re distracting me.”
Max crossed his arms and leaned in the doorway, checking her out. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, but you do look very yummy in that.”
Susan threw a cushion at him and chased him out of the room. It felt good to be so wanted.
Susan parked the car and walked to the doctors with her notebook tucked under her arm. The session revolved around her family and to her surprise, it went well. The visit to the cemetery with Beth had helped a lot. She had written a lot of her feelings down in the book that day and things started to make sense. Dr Holt agreed that she had opened up a lot not just in the book but also to her.
Dr Holt told her that she was pleased with how the session had gone and that she should focus on one obstacle at a time. It was important to keep writing everything down for them to review. Dr Holt wanted to spend next session exploring Susan’s possible dependency on Max. The journal revealed intense around Max. She had written down about her ‘craving him more’ over the last couple of weeks and Dr. Holt explained that it could be side effects from the medication, or it could be an increased sense of needing reassurance and security. Susan didn’t tell Dr. Holt that she hadn’t taken her anti-depressant medication in over a month; she’d abandoned it along with her contraceptive pill, which was probably why she was suffering such hideous PMT.
By the time Susan arrived home, Max had pulled all the boxes out from the office and was sat on the floor with a bottle of champagne and two glasses.
She eyed him cautiously.
“I thought we could make an afternoon of it?” he said grinning.
Susan smiled and sat down next to him. “I thought drink wasn’t allowed.”
Max opened the bottle and poured her a glass. “Well I’ve been thinking that we haven’t really celebrated our engagement, have we?” He kissed her and passed her the glass. “I’ve got to trust you.” He’d been thinking whilst she’d been out; doing his own bit of talk-therapy and he came to understand that he couldn’t wrap her up in bubble wrap, as much as he wanted to. They needed to try and lead a normal life.
They emptied the first two boxes, which were just filled with old bills and books, putting most of the contents into a heavy-duty black bin liner. They stacked the books in a pile to the side of them.
Max pulled the next box over and opened it. They found photos of Susan as a baby with her parents, photos of her with her grandmother and photos of her playing with Max in the garden.
“We should get some of these framed up.”
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Susan said sadly. “It would be nice to rebuild my history.”
Max pulled an envelope from the bottom of the box. “I think this is for you.” Passing it to her, she noted her name on the front. She pulled herself back up onto the sofa and took a deep breath. Inside was a small folded piece of paper.
My dear Susan,
Forgive the sentimentality of an old lady, but I’m not as young as I used to be, and I worry about the future; I worry about never seeing you graduate or marry or have children. Although I have plans on being there for all these things, I’m writing this as a bit of an insurance policy!
I hope I will be with you the day you marry your love, but if I am not, I want you to know two things; when you find him, don’t ever let him go, no matter what happens. If he is your true love, it won’t matter what happens, he will still love you.
Secondly, keep your mum and dad close to your heart; it’s where they belong. They loved you more than you can ever know. Be strong, be kind, and be good.
I will always be with you
Grandma x
The envelope slipped from her lap, weighted down by something inside. She picked it up and tipped it out. In the bottom of the envelope were two gold wedding bands, her parent’s. She folded the letter and put it away and then sat and stared at the rings in the palm of her hand. Max put his hand on her knee and offered her a sympathetic smile. He had endured the pain of losing his father; he couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to lose both parents.
The letter had distressed her, making her sad and happy at the same time. She rushed to the bathroom just in time to throw up down the toilet.
Max passed her a glass of water. “Are you okay, babe?”
Taking a sip of her water she didn’t know how she felt. “I think so.” She brushed her hair out of her face. “I think it’s just the shock.” She went back downstairs and packed everything away.
“Can you just put the rest in the loft as they are? I’m not ready to do the rest yet.” “Sure thing, babe.”
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She didn’t know what to do about the rings; she didn’t really have any memories about her parents, but they were still her parents. They didn’t want to leave her, it wasn’t their fault – and yet, somehow it felt like it was. As Max lifted the boxes, Susan watched. The last one, slipped from his hands and the contents scattered across the floor. It was some of Susan’s baby clothes and toys.
He held up a tiny, yellow summer dress. “I cannot imagine you in this,” he said, trying to lighten her mood.
Susan laughed, taking hold of the dress. All the time she grew up in London she had had nothing from her childhood.
Max picked up the scattered things and put them back in the box. “Loft for these too?”
Susan nodded, but held onto the yellow dress like a comforter.
That night, Susan struggled getting to sleep. Her head was full of thoughts of the rings, the letter and everything else they had found in the boxes. When she finally drifted off to sleep, her dreams gave her the answer. For the first time, she dreamt of her parents playing in the garden with her, laughing and joking. Susan giggled until it hurt as her dad span her around in his arms. She did have happy memories, she had just buried them, like treasure, to keep them safe.
When she woke, Max had already left for work. Later that morning he sent her a text telling her that he’d be late. Sickness washed over her, and she felt crippling pain in her stomach. She headed off to bed with a book, drifting off to sleep. She woke several times to throw up and tracked back what she’d eaten, certain that the prawn sandwich she’d had for lunch yesterday had been dodgy.
“Hey, sleepy head. Are you feeling any better?”
She opened her eyes to Max leaning over her with a glass of water. Taking a sip, she threw the glass back at him and ran in the bathroom to throw up once more.
He helped her back to the bed and tucked her in under the cover before heading down stairs.
She opened he eyes to darkness. She flicked on the light and headed to the bathroom. There was nothing left for her to puke up, but that didn’t stop the feeling of nausea. She looked in the bathroom mirror at her reflection; she looked a mess. Her eyes had big dark rings under them, and her face was pale.
Susan slept until late in the afternoon, waking occasionally to the sound of Max opening the door to check on her. When she eventually got out of the bed, her legs wobbled a little. She managed to get herself to the bathroom before she threw up all over the toilet bowl.
“Susan?” Max flung the door open. “Hey, it’s okay, come on, let’s get you back to bed.”
“Max, it’s okay, I just need some air.” Susan stared to walk down the stairs.
“I really wish you would rest baby.” Max took her arm to steady her, leading her to the kitchen table. “Maybe try having something to eat that might make you feel better.”
Susan smiled at him from across the table. “Yeah, just a slice of toast though.”
After finishing her toast, she began to feel a little more normal and Max poured her a coffee. “Baby I got you an appointment with the doctor, today” “What? Max, no, I feel fine now.” She took a sip of her coffee.
“No buts, Susan, we leave in twenty minutes.” He gave her a kiss on the forehead and left to go and get dressed.
As the car pulled up outside the doctor’s butterflies fluttered in Susan’s stomach, her nerves took over. Max had to be worrying over nothing she just had a stomach bug that’s all.
The surgery was busy, and they had to wait for nearly an hour. It was made worse by the heating being on full blast. At last they were called in. After a quick discussion about her symptoms, the doctor examined her.
“Well let’s just have a little feel of your tummy and then I’ll take your temperature and blood pressure, okay?”
Susan nodded as she climbed on the bed and pulled her top up over her belly, his hands felt cold on her skin and she flinched at his touch. He worked his hand over her stomach pushing and prodding. As she sat up on the bed her checked her blood pressure mumbling the numbers before checking her temperature.
“Okay, Susan, I need you to give me a urine sample. You can use the toilet next door and just come straight back in here after.”
She returned five minutes later looking flustered.
“Is there any chance that you could be pregnant, Susan?” the doctor asked.
Susan looked at Max and blushed. “I don’t think so… I mean, I don’t think I can get pregnant.
Max reached out for her. They both sat in silence as the doctor did the test and returned to click some notes into the computer. He turned to them and smiled,
“Now then, Susan, your blood pressure is a little on the high side, but your temperature is fine, so that’s a good thing. As for the sickness, that’s to be expected in your condition.”
Max cut the doctor off, “What condition?”
“He’s saying I’m pregnant!” Susan said, not daring to believe it.
The doctor continued with business, “I’ll book you an appointment at the hospital for your first scan and they’ll be able to tell you your due date and such. Going from the dates you’ve given me, you’re probably a good couple of months on.”
With everything that had been going on she had lost track. Max squeezed at her hand to get her attention, giving her a wink. All she could think about was the regrettable night she had slept with the guy from the bar and ended up off her face in the park.
All the way home, she tried to silently calculate the weeks, her cycle and the possibilities of getting pregnant. Every time she got close to working it out, it slid messily into the night she had cheated on Max. ‘That would be my luck,’ she thought. ‘Every chance of happiness is cursed.’
She texted Polly and asked her to meet her at the house. She signed it off with ‘URGENT!!!!’
As the car pulled up, Polly was already waiting. When Max raised an eyebrow, Susan said, “It’s a big thing, Max – a really big thing. I just need to process it with Polly. I don’t want to spoil anything about this by unloading on you; we’ll talk and celebrate later.”
“Okay,” he said, clearly not happy that their time was being gate-crashed. Polly greeted Max with a smile, and he grunted, heading in.
“We’re going for a walk, back in an hour,” Susan said.
“What’s the matter?” Polly asked wrapping her arms around Susan.
“I need to talk to you… now” Susan’s response came out firm as she headed in the direction of the beach.
“What am I going to do?” Susan sobbed, barely able to get her words out.
Polly held her hand. “What did the doctor say?”
“Oh, Polly, I’m pregnant.” She fell into uncontrollable crying.
“Hey! Hey, sssshhhh! It’s going to be okay; this is good news: amazing news! It’s what you have been hoping for.”
Polly tried to comfort her, but nothing could make any of this okay. “I don’t think you understand, I can’t be sure that the baby is Max’s. What if he leaves me?”
“What do you mean, ‘you can’t be sure’?”
Susan couldn’t look Polly in the eye. “You know you said that sometimes my behavior was self-destructive – well you’re we’re right. I do stupid things – all the time; things I regret. Things that end up hurting me.”
“What are you on about?”
“I did something really stupid, this time.”
“Look, Susan, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.”
“I slept with someone else – when I left Winchelsea and came back to yours for those few weeks.”
“What! When?”
“She waved he hand dismissively. “None of it really matters – didn’t matter.” “Why did you do that, Susan?”
She shrugged, “I don’t know. I was in a bar and this guy took the lead and I followed. I’d been drowning my sorrows – searching for the answer at the bottom of a bottle in my usual style.”
Polly’s hand rose to her mouth. “Oh, Susan! No
, please, tell me this isn’t true.” Susan shook her head.
“Does Max know?”
She shook her head, “I don’t think so.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
Susan burst into tears once more. Polly grabbed her hands and pulled her closer. “It’s going to be okay honey, whatever happens he isn’t going to go anywhere. He loves you. He’ll understand.”
Letting her hands drop, Susan let out a big breath. “It’s not the point, it wasn’t meant to happen like this.”
“Ssh, now you listen to me, he loves you, we love you, and nothing bad is going to happen! This is fantastic news. You are going to be the best mum in the world, and Max will be the best dad a child could want for.”
Susan wiped her tears away. “You’re right. It’s just I can’t believe this has happened so soon. I mean it’s real, you know. I’m not sure I’m ready. What if something goes wrong?”
“Then we’ll deal with it,” Polly said. “Come on, Max needs some time with you – it’s a big deal for him too.” Polly took her by the hand and led her back to the house, stopping next to her car. “And, Susan, if you want my advice – don’t tell Max about your concerns, not at the minute – not until you’re certain. If you’re wrong…” she shrugged and shot, her a warning glance.
Susan knew Polly was right, but it felt so wrong not sharing this with Max.
As soon as Polly left, Susan headed to the living room, curled herself into a ball on the sofa and closed her eyes. Her head thrashed over the day’s events; a baby, how could it be? She placed her hand over the growing baby inside her. Max came in with a cup of hot chocolate and sat down on the floor by her side.
Something Missing (The True Love Series Book 1) Page 8
