“Are you okay, baby?” Max’s question was cautious.
“I think so... How are you?”
Max put his hand out and placed it on her stomach, smiling. “I’m ecstatic – you’re growing a baby... I... I mean, we are going to have a baby. I want to run and shout it down the streets.” He kissed her forehead. “But you don’t seem happy?”
“What happens if…?”
Max placed a finger on her lips and then kissed her passionately, leaving her hungry for more.
He sat quietly playing with the ring on his finger. “I promised you I’d never leave you. It doesn’t matter if the baby isn’t… “
Susan shot him a look. Her head spun. He seemed to know her concern – but, how could he? Hesitantly she asked, “What do you mean, ‘if the baby isn’t?’ Are you suggesting that…?”
Max looked at her, pleading with her to abandon the conversation. Stupidly he had opened his mouth and now he knew he was risking everything – he really hadn’t meant to read her journal. He’d tried to ignore it lying on the bed. He’d walked past it twice before finally sneaking a look. He’d been hurt that she’d turned to Polly. It had seemed that between Polly and the damned counsellor, everybody knew about her thoughts and feelings except for him.
Suddenly the understanding of what he must have done, hit her. Slowly, disbelieving the betrayal she said, “Oh, my God, you’ve read my journal! You know about what happened when I was staying at Polly’s. You’ve got the same doubts that I have! How could you? I trusted you, Max.”
He snorted and inhaled deeply. “That’s kind of rich!”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Well, if we’re talking trust here.”
Susan fell silent. Yes, he’d betrayed her privacy – but his betrayal paled in significance next to hers. Max returned his hand to her stomach,
“It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. We’ve both been stupid. I don’t care whose DNA the baby has, we will be its mum and dad – you and me.”
Susan stared deep into Max’s eyes. For a moment, everything that they had been through in such a small space of time; all the pain she put him though had started to take its toll on him. His bright blue eyes no longer sparkled at the sight of her and the smile on his face rarely made an appearance recently. He looked tired and drained; so different to the man on the beach the first time they met. It filled her with sadness to look at what she’d caused. ‘I’ve done that to him,’ she thought.
“Max, have I told you you’re amazing, I love you so much,” she whispered softly snuggling into his shoulder.
“Let’s go to bed. I want to make love to you – I want to make this baby ours.”
CHAPTER 11
The moonlight glared through the window and Susan woke to an empty bed. Only this time, she wasn’t dreaming. Standing up, she wandered across the landing to the spare room. Max lay on top of the bed, his fingers entwined across his head, almost as though he had fallen asleep while deep in thought. Careful not to step on the creaky floorboard, she crept over to his side and pulled the cover over him before leaning down and giving him a soft kiss on his forehead. She crept back to bed, pulling the door shut behind her. Loneliness gripped her. So many questions ran through her mind. They’d only just begun to work through everything and now this… How could this happen? Max had said everything was okay between them and that nothing mattered but it wasn’t true; if it was true, he would be lying next to her now, not in the other bedroom alone. Would he stay? Could he love the tiny miracle growing inside her? If only she had been stronger when had gone back to Polly’s. The faint sound of the alarm sprung Max’s eyes open. Hitting the snooze button, he crept across the landing. His eyes shot to the bedroom door. It was closed. She had woken in the night, which meant she knew that he hadn’t stayed by her side. He so badly wanted to crawl into bed next to her, to feel her body in his arms and make love to her… but something niggled him – and he was cross with himself that it did. Shaking his head, he opened the bathroom door. The image of a coward replaced his reflection in the mirror. All he could see was shame. She needed him now more than ever. The reflection made him angry. The reality of another man screwing her – making a baby with her, made his skin crawl. He’d lied to her when he had told her everything would be okay; it ate away at him from the moment he had read the words on the page. It didn’t matter that she’d written all about the regret and shame – it had still happened, and now there was a lasting reminder of it – one that he’d have to face every day. He had no one to share this with – he knew his mother would think that this had been a car-crash waiting to happen. She was very fond of Susan, but a mother is always going to protect her cub.
He slowly crept from the bathroom into her bedroom, holding his breath with every step he took. When he reached the bed, he could tell she’d been crying, her beautiful eyes were red and puffy, the locks of her hair were tangled and twisted. He’d made her feel alone. He bent over and kissed her on the cheek before leaving the room.
For five days they lived different lives. They slept in different rooms (he is using the excuse of wanting to give her proper rest) he worked late (blaming staff shortages) so that Susan was already in bed when he got home, and when they were in each other’s company the same taboo conversations made them silent. Polly had kept her distance, which made Susan’s feelings of isolation even worse.
But today, neither of them had work to do, the garage was closed nor there was no other reason to leave the house. Sunday was their lazy day. When she woke and went downstairs, she could hear cups and plates being arranged on the table and the smell of eggs and bacon filling the room. Max stood with his back to her; he was cooking whilst singing along to the radio. Watching him stood in nothing but his sweatpants sent a tingle down her spine. Edging herself over to him, she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a simple good morning.
Max jumped before spinning around and putting his arms around her neck. “Good morning to you too. I was going to bring this up to you.”
His display of affection took her off guard her for a moment. “Oh, sorry.” She tucked her hands up into her sleeves and sat at the table.
“I invited Mum and Polly to dinner, is that okay with you?” He smiled, passing her the plate breakfast.
No, it wasn’t alright with her; she didn’t want them here today. Today, she wanted it to be just the two of them. They needed to work on their relationship – they had some serious mending to do. “Max, what’s going on? she asked pushing the plate away. “I’m sorry, Max, but it’s not okay, I don’t want them here today; I wanted to spend the day with you – on our own.”
Max stood by the cooker, he couldn’t think of what to say, in the end he muttered, “I just thought you might like to see them, that was all. Mum’s really excited about the news and just wants to share it with us.”
“We need time, Max. We haven’t spoken, not properly, since the doctors. You’ve avoided me every day since. Why, Max?” She lost her grip on the cup of coffee and it flew across the table, spilling everywhere. Max rushed to get the cloth, but she pulled it out his hand. “I’ll do it!” she snarled. She cleaned it up and then stormed off to the front room.
She turned on the TV and flicked through the channels pretending to be interested. His shadow loomed in the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest.
“I’m sorry, baby.” His head bent in shame. “I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.” He walked over to the sofa and sat beside her.
“I can’t do this, Max, I can’t pretend like everything is okay; the working late, sleeping in the other room, I can’t do any of it. You’re either with me or not – just don’t pretend.”
“I know I can’t, Susan. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t sleep another night without you. I can’t walk in this house and not be greeted with your smile.” He sighed, rubbing his head in his hands.
“Then don’t shut me out. I know none of this is how we planned but I can’t do it wit
hout you.”
“I’ll ring mum and tell her not to come.”
She looked at him and smiled. Relieved to have some time together.
“Tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I’m thinking you’re holding back on me, and not telling me how you really feel.”
Max paused for a moment unsure how to respond. “Susan I'm not hiding how I really feel, it’s just… it’s just, I don’t know how I feel. It’s a big thing to get my head around. You know I love you. Right?”
Susan gave a small smile, curling her feet up on the sofa. She nodded, “Yeah, so what’s the plan for today then?”
Max took hold of her hand, pulling her to her feet. He placed her hands on her waist. “I say that we get out of here for the day; what do you think?”
Just then his phone went off. Instinctively he pulled it out to check who the call was from. He grimaced and smiled apologetically. “Sorry, baby but I have to take this. It’s Jake.” He stepped into the hallway and took the call.
Susan went upstairs to get dressed. On the way down, she pulled the dirty laundry from the basket and scooped it up in her arms heading back down the stairs. Max was waiting for her.
“I’m really sorry, baby; I’ve got to go into the garage. Shit timing, I know! If I could get one of the other boys, but they’re all out and there’s been a...”
Susan stood smiling but she wasn’t happy – she wasn’t even okay. “Of course, you’ve got to go do what you have to.”
In an instant he was off up the stairs to get ready, leaving Susan wanting, craving him, they hadn’t made love in over a week.
Susan filled her lonely time cleaning the house and preparing dinner for when Max arrived home. When the clock reached 7:00pm she picked up the phone and sent him a text asking where he was. Giving up waiting for a reply, she ran herself a bath and went off to bed.
The faint touch of lips on her cheek woke her late in the night. Opening her eyes to the sight of Max made her smile, despite how angry she’d been at him earlier. She snuggled into him. She let her fingers run over his thigh. She loved everything about him. Not only had she cheated on him, but she’d stamped on his heart in the process. Forgiveness didn’t happen overnight. Tonight, he held her tighter than he’d ever done before. All her worries faded away.
She woke in the early hours, got out of bed and stood by the window. The moonlight was beautiful.
“What are you doing out of bed?” he asked, climbing out and walking over to her side.
“I couldn’t sleep.”
His hand swept over her shoulders and down her side.
“Max I’m sorry I fucked up... I hate myself for it all.”
“Hey,” he held her chin up. “You didn’t fuck it up. You have given us a second chance – and that’s all we need to make this work.” He walked her back to the bed and made love to her one kiss at a time. They laid in the moonlight and Max’s hand stroked up and down her belly.
“It used to bother me when you put your hand on my belly like that. It hurt deep inside, but now it feels like heaven. I’m so in love with you, Max – sometimes when I look at you, I forget how to breathe.”
Max’s hand faltered and she watched as a shadow flicked over his face.
“What is it?” she asked, not really wanting to hear the answer.
He shook his head. “Don’t Susan, not now.”
Susan sat up and pulled the covers around her defensively.
“Max, we need to talk. We’re silently tearing each other apart.”
Max didn’t reply at first, and she saw how his eyes were filling with tears. The sight of it made her feel almost sick – what had she done to him?
“I’m sorry, Max – I wish I could travel back in time and make things right, but I
can’t.”
“I know.”
“Then I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make it better. Have you stopped loving me?” she asked.
Max shot her a look of hurt. “How can you ask that? It’s because I love you that I’m here, by your side. I love you so much that I haven’t given a thought to myself in months – that’s what you do when you love someone as much as I love you,” said Max.
“Susan took his hand in hers. “I really am sorry. I’m working on keeping things in the past, but I need you to look at me with that sparkle in your eye that you had on the beach the day I saw you … I need you to want me, not to look after me.
This is our future, Max. We both need to leave the past where it is.”
He kissed her stomach and then her lips. “Then let’s start making our future – right now. Susan, will you marry me?”
His question threw her for a moment. After what had just passed between them, it was the last thing she had expected. “I thought we were going to wait a little while?” Max shifted himself up onto his elbow. “I don’t want to wait; I want you, and this little one, to be mine...”
Smiling back at him she tilted he head. “Max you don’t need piece of paper to tell you that, we’re already yours.”
He noted the plural and smiled.
“Let’s do it next month – while you can still fit into something slinky,” he teased.
She giggled. “Okay, but let’s go away for a couple of days first. I don’t fancy our chances with Beth and Polly planning. Between all the baby shopping and wedding planning, I think we’re going to need a little alone-time together first.” She let out a quiet laugh snuggling herself into him.
He Kissed her forehead, stroking her hair. “We have the rest of our life’s together… now let’s get some sleep.”
CHAPTER 12
(Three weeks later)
The weeks passed quickly. Susan stood in front of the long bedroom mirror looking down at her body. They’d been on a rollercoaster of emotions and come to the obvious conclusion that neither could survive without the other. What happened on this day would determine the future they both hoped for.
As she stood running her hand over her growing belly, she could feel how much her bump had grown over the last month. Polly and Beth had been feeding her up and reading through the baby books like some crazed baby-police recruits.
Max had spent all his spare time by Susan’s side, just like he promised.
“Max, come and look at this – do you think I'm starting to show?” she laughed, holding her t-shirt up.
He walked over to her, examining her. “Don’t be daft, babe, you’re only a few weeks.
“I’m like four months, now.” As soon as she said it, she winced. Four months ago, had been dark times.
“Anyway, we’d better be going if we want to make this scan appointment,” he said, ignoring the statement. “Have you got your water!” he said, grabbing his keys.
Susan took the water and drank a large mouthful from the bottle.
When they arrived at the hospital the nurse took her notes and told them to take a seat. Max took her hand and held it tight when the nurse called her name, instructing her to follow them. She instructed Susan to climb onto the bed and lift her top up. The nurse smiled at Max as she asked him if it was their first baby. He nodded and squeezed Susan’s hand.
“Now this is going to feel a little cold,” the nurse said, before squirting the jelly over Susan’s belly. “Ah, not camera shy are we little one? There you go, mummy!” she said, tilting the screen Susan’s way.
Susan saw the tiny fingers waving around and a tear slipped down her cheek. She turned Max and laughed when she saw he also had tears in his eyes.
“I can’t believe it, baby,” Max whispered in her ear.
The nurse paused the screen taking different measurements. “Now you’re about eighteen weeks, do you want to know the sex?”
“Pardon? Did you say eighteen weeks? Susan asked.
“Well your measurements and baby development indicate your around seventeen weeks.” Sensing the tension in the room, the nurse tentatively asked, “Is something wrong?” The nurse gave Max a worrying lo
ok.
Max and Susan gave each other a look as they both came to the same conclusion.
“We were in Paris!”
“Yes, baby, we were in Paris!” Max said grinning.
“Do you want to know the sex of the baby?” the nurse asked visibly relieved.
“No!” Susan snapped. “We wouldn’t like to know the sex.”
“That’s fine a lot of people like to keep it a surprise. Would you like a picture printing?”
Max took hold of Susan’s hand once more, clutching it tightly. “Yes, if that’s okay?”
The nurse cleaned Susan’s belly, covering her up in the process. “Yes, that’s fine. Just head to the nurse on the desk she will sort it out for you. You also need to book your next scan.”
Max helped her down and wrapped his arms around her waist. “Eighteen weeks, baby! I can’t believe it. I love you so much!”
All this time, all the fear about Max and children and she was already pregnant! How could she not have known? How did she miss the signs? Everything that she had put her baby through; the stress, the drink.
She clasped Max hand on the way to the car. “Max, I don't deserve any of this.” “This is a new start,” she said, smiling.
Something Missing (The True Love Series Book 1) Page 9
