The Broom of the System

by David Foster Wallace

  “....”

  “I know I’m more than a little neurotic. I know I’m possessive. I know I’m fussy and vaguely effeminate. Largely without chin, neither tall nor strong, balding badly from the center out, so that I’m forced to wear a ridiculous beret—though of course a very nice beret, too.”

  “....”

  “And sexually intrinsically inadequate, Lenore, let’s please both explicitly face it, for once. I cannot possibly satisfy you. We cannot unite. The Screen Door of Union is for me unenterable. All I can do is flail frantically at your outside. Only at your outside. I cannot be truly inside you, close enough only for the risk of pregnancy, not true fulfillment. Our being together must leave you feeling terribly empty. Not to mention of course more than a little messy.”

  “....”

  “So why, then? List the features on the basis of which you love me, and I will exercise them unmercifully, until they grow and swell to fill the field of your emotional sight.”

  “What is with you?”

  “Please tell.”

  “Rick, I don’t know. I think you and I maybe just have a different conception of this, you know, this ‘love’ thing.”

  “....”

  “I think for me there gets to be a sort of reversal, after a while, and then mostly things don’t matter.”

  “Reversal? Explain, explain.”

  “This is embarrassing.”

  “Please.”

  “At first you maybe start to like some person on the basis of, you know, features of the person. The way they look, or the way they act, or if they’re smart, or some combination or something. So in the beginning it’s I guess what you call features of the person that make you feel certain ways about the person.”

  “Things are not looking at all good, here.”

  “But then if you get to where you, you know, love a person, everything sort of reverses. It’s not that you love the person because of certain things about the person anymore; it’s that you love the things about the person because you love the person. It kind of radiates out, instead of in. At least that’s the way ... oh, excuse me. That’s the way it seems to me.”

  “Oh God. And that’s what’s happened with me? There’s been the reversal?”

  “Well Rick it’s just dumb for you to go to like a features-gym and start exercising features. That’s just dumb.”

  “So things have indeed reversed, then.”

  “....”

  “Lenore?”

  “Stop trying to pin me, Rick. I feel like a butterfly on a board.”

  “But if such a propensity-to-pin is a feature of me, then you must love that feature, if there’s been the reversal.”

  “I guess I’m not saying it right. I’d really rather not do this now. I feel all public, saying this stuff.”

  “What about, for example, Lang? Do you suppose a Lang-love involves a reversal? Does a Lang ever stop loving on the basis of features and qualities?”

  “Especially don’t want to talk about him, OK?”

  “Why not?”

  “....”

  “Don’t just grit your teeth, tell me why not. It’s vital that I know, and surely you see why.”

  “No, Rick, I don’t.”

  “Why, if the reversal issue remains ambiguous, how am I to feel about you and me and, for instance, just to take an instance, Lang? For here we have, in Lang, a male creature surely far more worthy of love than I, features-wise, if we’re to be objective. Tall, feet easily reaching bar-stool supports, wincingly handsome, easy, loose, mildly funny, widely travelled, wildly wealthy, muscular, intelligent, though in my perception not threateningly so ...”

  “....”

  “And in uncountably many other respects features-love-deserving, Lenore. I’ve been in a men’s room with the man. Do you hear me? I’ve been in a men’s room with the man.”

  “I feel like bundling you into the car and rushing you to Dr. Jay’s right this minute. I think new plateaus of spasmodic weirdness are being reached.”

  “I must know things, Lenore. You must begin to tell me things, or 1-will implode. I must know whether I have effected the reversal in you. I must know how Lang fits in.”

  “What does fitting in have to do with anything?”

  “I must know. Lang doesn’t even know whether you remember him or not. He expressed doubts and anxieties on the plane, to me, while you were into your twentieth consecutive hour of sleep.”

  “Oh I remember him all right. Don’t worry about my not remembering him.”

  “So what’s the problem?”

  “I really just don’t want to talk about it. What are you, trying to sell him to me or something? I just would rather not discuss it, and a feature I’d love to see in you right now would be your not wanting to discuss things I don’t want to discuss.”

  “The next sound you hear will be that of implosion. Say I’ve effected the reversal in you, Lenore. Please.”

  “There a towel around here?”

  “No showers, until you tell me things. I’ll do something to the water main.”

  “Look, Lang’s a big reason why I got my whole family really mad at me by not going to Mount Holyoke, OK? The time I visited, he and this other guy, with an adolescent, Amish, armpitty beard, came and barged in and banged their heads on the wall and made people sign on their bottoms, bare, and Lang practically molested Mindy Metalman on the spot.”

  “They’re married, now, you know.”

  “I heard you two talking about it at the Aqua Vitae, Rick. I heard. I heard everything you guys said, when I wasn’t busy keeping Stoney’s head from plopping into his pizza.”

  “So there’s been a reverse reversal with Lang. You anti-love him, in the face of all the features that seem to cry out for and necessitate love. And yet through the reversal you love a man approximately one twentieth the man he is ...”

  “You want to know what I really definitely don’t love? I don’t love this sick obsession with measuring, and demanding that things be said, and pinning, and having, and telling. It’s all one big boiling spasm that makes me more than a little ill, not to mention depressed.”

  “So you don’t love me, after all.”

  “Maybe I’ll just go down to Atlanta and be with Vlad the Impaler and get my royalty checks while you soak your head for like the next month, OK?”

  “....”

  “What do you need him for, anyway? What’s his function in all this?”

  “Translation, I told you.”

  “Norslan herbicide stuff into idiomatic modem Greek? That makes no sense at all.”

  “Unfortunately, we’re not always in control of the decisions on the basis of which business is conducted, life lived.”

  “How encouraging. But why him? You met him in a bar, is all. Cleveland must be crawling with actual Greeks, from Greece, if you want stuff translated.”

  “I’m really not sure why. There are affinities: Amherst, fraternity, the Scarsdale connection. But something ... I simply felt ... I don’t know how to describe it. That was a strange day.”

  “You’re making no sense at all.”

  “Please note that what we have here is an inability, rather than an unwillingness, to tell.”

  “I just think it will be weird to have him at Frequent and Vigorous. He’s just going to add to the chaos. Walinda will be retroactively on the ceiling about my being gone, once you’re upstairs, and plus Candy was dropping ominous hints about the phone situation.”

  “More than a hint-matter, I’m afraid. One of my tasks at the office while you and Lang were ostensibly settling in was to check phones. The story is not a happy one.”

  “What do you mean, ‘ostensibly’ settling in? Did 1 detect a tone?”

  “I was referring to the unexpected and troubling Vlad matter.”

  “Oh.”

  “....”

  “If poor Vern’s been working double shifts to cover for me, he must not even have a stomach left. You really ought to hire som
ebody extra, at least to cover, at least while the phone deal is the same.”

  “From the payphone near the Cleaveland skeleton, I was in communication with a Mr. Sludgeman at Interactive Cable. He promises the very promptest possible action.”

  “I think it’s possible to be prompter than eight days, which is what it’s been. I don’t see what kind of phone company-lets all its tunnel people go off fishing or wherever just when there’s a hideous tunnel problem. And that guy who looks like a negative, who refuses to do tunnels, and says tunnels are nerves, is about zero help.”

  “Mr. Sludgeman claims new avenues are being explored. Highly sensitive equipment is being rented, to be brought to bear on the tunnel below the Bombardini Building. Sludgeman alleges the locus of the problem has been identified as Erieview Plaza.”

  “Super. Just not at all thrilled about the prospect of answering Den of Pain calls for the next six months.”

  “Which brings us to the really central issue of the night.”

  “Rick, sleepiness is shooting out of every pore in my body.”

  “No chance you’d want to hear a story, then.”

  “Time just doesn’t seem right, somehow.”

  “A number of interesting ones on my desk right now.”

  “....”

  “For instance, a man is completly faithful to his wife, but only because he is impotent with all of the truly staggering number of women he tries to be unfaithful with, although he is not at all impotent with the wife. We’re invited to speculate about whether he’s a good man, or a bad man, deep down. Interested?”

  “Not ... pretty sleepy.”

  “You don’t enjoy stories anymore?”

  “That’s not it. You do awesome ... stories. I’m just either going to sleep or die, here.”

  “Well, you may or may not be interested to know ...”

  “Fffnoof.”

  “... that I’ve had a not insignificant inspiration.”

  “....”

  “Bearing directly on you.”

  “Fnoof.”

  “And so of course on me.”

  “....”

  “What an anticlimax.”

  14

  1990

  /a/

  At the Frequent and Vigorous/Bombardini Company switchboard at 10 A.M. on Wednesday were Lenore Beadsman, Candy Mandible, Judith Prietht. Under the switchboard counter, with only his boots visible in the cubicle, was Peter Abbott. Just leaving was an anonymous delivery boy, having delivered to Lenore an enormous enclosing wreath of flowers, red-and-white roses arranged in an interlocking Yin and Yang. The wreath sat atop the switchboard wastebasket, being too big to fit inside. Definitely in the wastebasket, though, was the note that had come with the flowers: “Miss Beadsman. Time grows short. One way or the other you will be part of me.”

  There was just no way Lenore was going to sit in her chair with Peter Abbott right under her. She and Candy Mandible stood off, by the door to the cubicle, Candy smoking and making rings. Judith Prietht was frantic at the Bombardini Company board, but she did find time to keep darting looks over at Peter Abbott’s boots as they jiggled with his mysterious efforts. Peter was apparently attaching something to the Frequent and Vigorous switchboard console. Something long and intricate, and expensive, Candy had said. He had had to shut off the F and V console temporarily, which was just fine by Lenore.

  Candy was smoking a clove cigarette, which are particularly good for rings, and she also from time to time dropped ashes into the opened bloom of one of the Yin-blossoms. “He is rich, you know,” she said to Lenore.

  “That’s not nearly funny,” Lenore said, eyeing the flowers. “I’m thinking of maybe having Dr. Jay call the net people about him for me. At least he’s too big to get down in here anymore. I think. I hope.”

  “Rich is not to be dismissed lightly, kiddo,” said Candy. “You may not want to be Stonecipheco-rich, but you can still not mind richness per se.”

  “Is that why you’re with Mr. Allied now? Is he going to take you away from all this?” Lenore laughed and gestured.

  “Well, we haven’t gotten past the just plain taking stage, yet.” Candy gave a smoky laugh. “This is a real man, Lenore.” She looked at her. “The world is turning out to be full of real, real men.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  Candy lowered her voice, and Lenore could see her pupils spread. “I don’t know where you found that Lang guy, but good God.”

  “Don’t want to hear about it.” Lenore looked away, at the back of Judith’s head, with a phone attached. “And anyway I’m possibly rich per se now, anyway, thanks to Vlad-royalties. We still need to talk at length about that, Candy. You’re supposed to be my friend. Vlad the Impaler’s friend.”

  “Vlad’s probably got a cage entirely lined with full-length mirrors now. Vlad’s probably in a state of constant bird-orgasm.”

  “Shit!” came Peter Abbott’s voice from under the console counter.

  “Gesundheit,” Judith Prietht said among console-beeps.

  “If things don’t work out in a month, Rick and I are going to get him back legally,” Lenore said. “Rick says he’ll hire a lawyer. It turns out Vlad the Impaler is legally his, because he’s got the receipt. He was being weird about Vlad last night.”

  Judith Prietht swiveled in her chair; she had hit her Position Busy button. “Listen, Lenore honey ...” She blinked and smiled. “Can I call you Lenore?”

  “I’m not too sure about Lenore honey, Judith,” said Candy.

  Lenore turned to Candy. “How come she’s being so nice today?”

  “She wants you to get her Hart Lee Sykes’s autograph,” Candy said, tapping ashes. “She’s a God-Partner, apparently. Big time.”

  “If you wouldn’t mind ...” Judith started to croon.

  “I’m hopefully not going to see Sykes again, Judith,” said Lenore.

  “But you could write him,” Judith Prietht said. “You could call him, right from here, and I’d even pay for it if you wanted.”

  “Oh, you wouldn’t have to—”

  “And could you also ask him to ... maybe to ... ?” Judith looked imploringly at Candy Mandible.

  Candy rolled her eyes. “She wants you to get him to say a blessing over a picture of her cat.” Judith came out with a Polaroid and waved it at Lenore, as if Lenore were very far away.

  “Judith, how about if I say I’ll do what I can. Maybe I can get Rick to talk to him; he’s going to deal with CBN people, he said.” Lenore stared absently at the soles of Peter Abbott’s boots.

  Judith’s Position Release button started flashing that flash that means there are just too many calls piling up. She Accessed and Started In and waded back, blowing a kiss to Lenore.

  “We’ve found the way to her heart, at least,” said Candy, making a fist to look at her nails.

  Lenore was looking at Candy. “Listen,” she said. “What did you mean good God about Lang? You guys didn’t ... ?”

  Candy watched herself make and unmake a fist. “Yes and no,” she said. “I mean I’m afraid yes we did, and did, and very definitely yes good God.” She saw Lenore’s look. “What can I tell you? I was bored, and Nick was meeting with supermarket chains, and he’ll never know. But no we won‘t, probably, ever again, I don’t think. First because Nick and I are really serious, and I think I’ve got a shot at richness per se, not to mention that Nick is almost a Lang, himself. Did Andy tell you his old college nickname, by the way?”

  Lenore dug a bit of stone out of the tread of her sneaker.

  “I died laughing,” said Candy.

  “Lang is rich per se himself, you might want to know,” Lenore said. “His father owns a mammoth company in Texas. His father is supposedly more or less responsible for the G.O.D.” She looked up at Candy. “And then what about Clint Roxbee-Cox? Clint must be insane with jealously, over you and Mr. Allied.”

  “Clint is admittedly not a happy man right now,” Candy said, arranging things in he
r purse on the switchboard counter. “But he’s a company man. And Nickie is the company. Clint told him he wishes us all the best, although Nick did say he didn’t much care for the way Clint was looking at his throat when he said it.”

  “If you want to call Mr. Vigorous now, you can use my phone,” Judith shot over.

  “Well Judith I’m supposed to go up and see him after lunch, anyway,” said Lenore. “He’s getting Vern to come in for me this afternoon, for some unclear reason. ”

  Candy looked over at the back of Judith’s head, then at Lenore. “The thing is—” She put a hand on Lenore’s arm and guided her into the line of Erieview shadow that creased the edge of the white cubicle. “The other reason why the Lang thing was just one night I think is that it was pretty dam clear he has his eye on somebody else, in a big way.” She looked at Lenore.

  Lenore looked at her own wrist, pretended to study it. “Listen, how did you snag Mr. Allied, anyway? You were in despair last week. I want to hear.”

  “He wants you, Lenore, really, is who he wants,” Candy said, making sure that Judith couldn’t be listening and then forcing Lenore to look her in the eye. “It was far too clear.”

  “Really don’t want to go into it,” Lenore muttered, looking out into the lobby.

  “It was just incredibly obvious,” said Candy. “He kept asking all about you, when we could talk. Talked about having met you once, how sorry he was about that, although I never got clear on just what he was sorry for and you’re going to have to fill me in sometime, I’m dying to know. Kept talking about you and Rick, and laughing. Saying stuff about strategic misrepresentation, whatever that is. And even weirder stuff about how he noticed on the plane coming back that your leg wasn’t at all like his leg, wasn’t really even like a regular leg, at all, he said.”

  “That was a really leggy trip,” Lenore laughed, edging for the cubicle door. “Listen, maybe I’ll just go up and see Rick right now.”

  “Sweetie, it was just too obvious he thought he was using me,” said Candy. “Not that we didn’t have big fun. Not that Schwartz’s room will ever be the same. But I could see how he thought he was trying to get at you through me. And he could do it, Lenore. You get me? He could literally get at you through me. You get me?”