Shades of Red

by T L Christianson

  I widened my eyes. “Give up? No way.”

  His laugh made crinkles at the edges of his eyes. “Let someone else take over for a while. You need a break.”

  “I can’t… I know this is crazy, but I feel like I kind of understand her.” In my heart, she’d become my child. I’d become too involved. The line between work and home had completely dissolved. “I care about her-she’s still a child in a lot of ways… We should get a therapist in here. I think it would help.”

  I definitely needed to maintain better boundaries.

  One of the other soldiers chimed in. “Nope, she needs to be…” He mimicked a knife across his neck.

  I pursed my lips and shook my head. “That’s just unprofessional. I hope she’s never seen you guys do that.” He didn’t answer but looked back at his cards as if they held the answers to life. “She chose to be here, to help us,” I told them.

  Biting my lip, I made my way down the hallway to my office. I opened my laptop and hesitated before checking some notes for the scientific paper I was working on.

  It turned out that Amy was one of the 1% of Moroi who were immune to the plague she’d created. The resistant population, including Amy, had a mutated gene that protected them. She’d been wrong about gaining immunity from working with earlier strands of the virus – and lucky. The more I read her research, the more holes I found in her knowledge of basic human and Moroi biology. She had combined years of pseudoscience and mythology with breaking scientific discoveries and a medical textbook thrown in here or there.

  She’d taken no anatomy nor learned it, and so her research notes read like some medieval apothecary instructions instead of twenty-first-century science.

  Many days, I felt like this entire venture was worthless and then there were days I’d find something revolutionary in her notes.

  Amy was caught in the middle of everything in her life.

  Caught between childhood and adulthood.

  Caught between the ancient past and the future.

  Caught between being an idealist and a killer.

  All my life I’d been the one caught between things, the outsider. Never quite one or the other.

  Not an orphan, but not adopted.

  Living with Moroi, but not a Moroi – until now.

  A doctor in name, but not practicing.

  A mother, but not a mother in the ways that really counted.

  Maybe this is why she affected me so much. Why I could have so much compassion for her.

  We were both outsiders, and this pain I understood.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  My cell phone rang, waking me up. Snorting, I tried to figure out where I was before my surroundings kicked in.

  When I lifted my face, a paper I’d been looking at stuck to me. I pulled it away and realized I’d fallen asleep in my office. My computer screen still flashed nature scenes so I couldn’t have been asleep for very long.

  Rummaging through the clutter and old takeout coffee cups, I finally found it.

  “Dr. Shepard,” I answered.

  Forest’s voice boomed over the line. “Yo, yo, yo, mama!” Was he going for a Latino accent today?

  Memories flooded in reminding me what I’d done to find myself in such a horrible state and why.

  After working in my office, I’d gone down to check on the antibodies that I’d been growing in the lab and found them all dead. Everything, all the nanoparticles that in turn generate the protein I needed–gone.

  Five months of work had come to nothing. The power had gone out, and my backup generator hadn’t kicked on.

  “Hey, I’ve kind of had a shitty day, so cut the crap. I need a town name, not just some,” I lowered my voice to mimic him, “Some Amish town in Ohio,’ bullshit.”

  “Heyyyyyyyy… we ain’t gonna be like that. You know I’m good Mami.”

  “Oh Jesus, what time is it?” My head pounded and my thirst made my veins scream for blood.

  I didn’t usually drink, but since the last five months of work had just turned to shit, I’d finished off a large bottle of whip cream flavored vodka and sank into some dark reflection time.

  I looked around my office, and half stood to peek into the lab through the window that separated it and my desk. Where was Karsten?

  “Okay, so, it’s one of the little communities between Akron, Columbus, and Pittsburgh.”

  I rolled my eyes and googled a map of Ohio. “That’s not a location, Forest. That’s like the entire Amish country!” I sniffed a cold cup of coffee and tentatively sipped it. It tasted okay, so I gulped it down.

  Paper rustled over the line. “Okay, okay. It’s sort of by Walnut Creek but south on 194.”

  Sucking in a calming breath through my nose, I let it out slowly. “Okay. Did you talk to Karsten about this already?”

  “Nu-uh, just you Mami.”

  I shook my head but then regretted it. Realizing that even Moroi have their alcohol limits. “So, tell me.”

  “Cash. Money. I think you owe me three large for this info.”

  “Three thousand bucks? What? No. How much time have you spent on this?”

  “A lot. Look, I have to pay my network of informants. If I stiff them, then I get stiffed. Me and you have a good thing going. Don’t mess it up.”

  “You’re wringing me dry, you greedy bastard!” I told him while checking the balance in my account on my banking website. He’d been working on this for months, but I still had to haggle. “Fine, funds transfer or do you want cash again?”

  His snort came through the line. “Cash. I’ve sent you pics of the house and barn and of the guy they’re calling David.” He paused and his voice took on its normal upper class Manhattan accent. “Someone went to a lot of trouble to take care of this guy and hide him. Either that or he’s bait.” His deep laugh rang out over the line, and I held the phone away from my ear. “Who’s trying to catch you, Sarah? Huh? I know this guy’s the Butcher… but word is that you have the Butcher locked up somewhere with Chronos Corp.”

  I almost answered him, but instead just laughed. “A lady never tells her secrets.” Holding the phone away from my ear, I said, “Bye Forest,” before hanging up.

  What a conundrum. We had the Butcher, Amy. What reasonable explanation would there be for someone to set a trap for me? For Amy maybe? But David was free and looked happy.

  Sighing, I leaned over to my mini-fridge under my desk and opened the door.

  Inside were a few bottles of water, coke, and blood. I grabbed one of each. First, I downed the blood. It wasn’t enough.

  It wasn’t ever nearly enough.

  A shiver ran through me thinking about the other night when I drank from my Viking, and he drank from me. It wasn’t really socially acceptable in Moroi society, but we didn’t care. What went on in the bedroom, stayed in the bedroom.

  Pulling myself back to reality, I drank the water and then the coke. Picking up the large bottle of vodka, I shivered at the amount I’d had to blitz myself into blurry oblivion.

  No. I couldn’t do this anymore. I was better than this.

  Leaning back, I thought about Owen’s phone call I received just before I’d decided to go on my little bender.

  When I answered, I’d expected to hear good news and raise my spirits.

  “I’m so glad you called, I was just about to call you myself,” I told him with a smile in my voice. “Are you bringing the kids when you fly out on the fifteenth? Hazel says you’ll have the jet, so no need to buy plane tickets. While you’re in the city, they can stay with me at my house in Trenton over the weekend before you take them back on Tuesday. How does that sound? I think this has been a long time coming, don’t you think?” When he didn’t respond, my heart sank. “Owen? Owen?’

  A moment later, he finally replied, his voice grim. “Look, about that. I just don’t feel like Emilie and I are ready to allow you time with the kids just yet.”

  “Emilie? Emilie has a say in my kids' visits with me?” I spat out. “
No, Owen. It’s been a very long time. I’ve worked and waited for a very, very long time to get to this point. I’m ready.” It didn’t help that my voice sounded shrill and high pitched on the verge of being manic. “I am! I’m their mother. I want to see them!”

  “Calm down… just take a moment. No one is keeping them from you.”

  “Yes. Owen. You are.” He scoffed, but I continued. “I thought this was a great idea. I know we’ve had our differences in the past, but I’ve changed. I am better.” I’m getting better, I thought. “I would never hurt them. You know that.”

  “Look, I’m not trying to keep them from you, but you need to understand that they don’t know you. It’s going to take several short meetings, with me there, before I’ll send them to stay with you. None of this sneaking up on Emilie and the kids in the woods stuff.”

  “What? But, I didn’t mean to scare them! I just wanted to see them! I heard them from the car and I just…” Tears sprang to my eyes. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Owen had been like a child when we met. He used to look up to me and admire me and love me.

  He’d wanted children with me.

  But now, now he was afraid for the kids to spend time with me.

  “Look, are you around the kids, unsupervised?” I asked him.

  “Yes, but I’ve never tried to eat them.”

  It was my turn to scoff. “Oh, that’s right, you weren’t with them right after your transition. You were having a love affair with your new nanny! Alone, while they were away! You hadn’t just almost died giving birth. You’d been able to drink plenty of blood and prepare before you saw them for the first time as Moroi. I didn’t have that luxury. You were away, playing scientist.” I knew I’d baited him, and it wasn’t fair, but he wasn’t playing fair either. He had no idea how much I’d changed.

  I could hear Owen’s deep breaths as he calmed himself. When he finally spoke, his voice was neutral. He’d always had a good poker face.

  “There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about.”

  I huffed and waited for him to continue.

  “It’s your bodyguard, Karsten.”

  “What about him?” I wondered if he knew that we’d started up a relationship. “He’s none of your business. I don’t interfere in your love life and you shouldn’t meddle in mine.” There was a pause, and I realized that I’d just spilled the beans.

  “Uh…Actually, it’s concerning Emilie. She thinks that he’s the maker that abandoned her.”

  “She doesn’t even remember anything!” I kicked my feet up onto the desk and leaned over to grab another blood and coke. “That’s a serious accusation, Owen. You need to talk to her. Sten is not her maker.”

  “Really? Because it makes a lot of sense to me. He’s been a soldier for a few hundred years. Ask him if he was in Belgium at the beginning of the war. Ask him why Emilie feels a maker connection to him. Just ask him. Okay?”

  I swallowed, and my feet fell to the floor. “He isn’t her maker. You’d better get her in line because I swear to God that if she stirs up trouble, and begins making false accusations, I will rain a shit storm down on both of you.” I straightened and sipped at the bottle of blood, then looked at the expiration date. It was a day past, and even though it tasted a little off, I shrugged and finished it.

  “Sarah, this is a serious accusation. Don’t you want to know if it’s true? How could you be with someone who abandoned their offspring?”

  As soon as he said it rage filled me. “What?” I shrieked.

  “Look…”

  Sucking in a deep breath, my voice deadly smooth, I gave Owen a warning, “I see. Stop taking out your issues with me on Karsten. You think I abandoned the kids, but I protected them by leaving. As much as I appreciate you taking care… wait, you didn’t really take care of the kids –Chronos did, Flor did.” I sighed casually, a lot more casually then I felt. “Maybe I should’ve just brought them with me. After all, you never really wanted children. But now that you have something that I want, you’re going to fight me over it… not because you want them, or love them, but because I do.”

  With that, I hit the end button.

  So unsatisfying.

  Thus, began my foray into trying to find my alcohol limits.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Resting my head in my hands, I sighed. Why was he fighting me on everything? What happened to that trust we’d had before?

  Emilie had moved in and taken over. She’d taken my life as a mother, a lover and a friend. Not that I wanted Owen back, but it still stung to realize that I’d been replaced so easily. And the crappy part was that I kind of liked Emilie–the bitch.

  Did she really think that Karsten was her maker? What if he was? He’d be screwed if they brought this before the magistrate at Chronos or worse, if the Global Council got involved, then it would be over. They beheaded and burned those found guilty of capital crimes.

  I rolled the cold coke against my cheek and forehead.

  He couldn’t be her maker.

  There was no way he made her.

  Standing, I walked to the stairs. I’d never realized how much security there was in this building until I found myself flashing my wrist at every door I needed to go through.

  When I got to Amy’s rooms, I knocked on her door. Of course, she couldn’t open it, but I paid her the courtesy anyway.

  “Come in,” she called.

  She was sitting there typing away at the Chronos laptop I’d given her to enter her data.

  I watched her as she finished typing, her large blue eyes set in her tanned face.

  Turning to me, she spoke sweetly, “I’m working, just like you asked me. You see? I’ll be able to go and get David with you.”

  I pursed my lips and took a seat opposite her at the roundtable. “I’m sorry sweetie, but no. My informant thinks it’s a trap for you. It’s just not safe, but we’ll bring him back safe and sound.”

  Her lip trembled. “We should’ve got married. Why didn’t we get married?”

  When she rambled off things like this, it worried me. We needed a shrink in here asap.

  “That’s okay, we’ll still get him.”

  Her eyes were downcast, and I sighed not knowing if there was going to be tears or a tantrum.

  “What’s got you so worked up? It’ll be fine.” I patted her hand and tried to shake off the hold she had on my emotions.

  She’s only trying to manipulate me, I reminded myself.

  She was just working herself up to try to come along.

  I wondered if I was even going to be able to come along myself if I didn’t get permission from Aurev to go. I needed to stop messing around and go talk to him in New York.

  The strange thing was that Amy was even older than Aurev, yet she didn’t have that intimidating power like he did. Did she mask it? She gave off a vulnerable, innocent vibe, making me curious as to how she did it.

  “If you can’t talk to me, I don’t know how to help you,” I told her.

  “I just want to come. I don’t understand how that’s so bad. I mean, you’ll have all those soldiers with you to protect us.”

  I stood. “No, we won’t, and you still can’t come. I haven’t even gotten permission to pick him up yet. I just came to tell you that my contact gave me a picture of the house where he’s staying.”

  She looked down at the computer keyboard. “I could wear a disguise.” Looking back up, she smiled. “No one would ever know it was me! I mean, I’ve dressed like a boy all the time.”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  She sighed and gave me an open mouth stare. “I should come.”

  “No.”

  “You’ll need me.”

  “Look, I know you’re smart, but you’re not a soldier.”

  “Neither are you.”

  “Yeah, but I’ll be with Karsten.”

  “So, why can’t he watch out for me also?”

  “Oh my god, Amy. You are not coming! That’s final. Do not
ask me again.”

  She pouted and went back to her data entry.

  “Remember to save it.” I reminded her.

  “I already know that! I’m not stupid!” She yelled back at me.

  “Okay, well I need to go. You need anything?” I asked as I stood.

  “Yeah.”

  “What?”

  “A friend who doesn’t lie and wants me to go with them.”

  “Okay,” I told her in a singsong voice. “Bye.”

  She mimicked what I called the Kardashian goodbye. “Buh-i-yyyy!” She said sarcastically.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Sten was in the hall leaning against the wall when I came out. I noticed strange looks the other guards gave him but ignored it.

  When he put his arm around me, I leaned into him and kissed his perpetual 5 o’clock shadow.

  Smiling up at him, I laughed. “Do you trim your beard to this length?”

  His chest rumbled as I leaned against my giant granite slab of a man. “If I told you all my secrets, I might not be interesting anymore.”

  As soon as we were out of earshot of the other guards, he stopped and turned to face me. He wore a foreboding expression, and I couldn’t help but worry about what was on his mind.

  My drinking binge this morning? That was new.

  My quiet nighttime walks? They’d definitely been longer than regular.

  I bit my lip.

  “I’m worried about you,” he stated.

  I forced a smile, raising up onto my tippy toes to kiss his chin. “I’m fine.”

  Pulling away, he caught my gaze with his own, his arms pulling me into the circle of his embrace. “You are not fine.”

  I looked down and rested my head against his chest, listening to his slow heartbeat. “You don’t need to be my therapist,” I whispered. “I’m a big girl. I’ll figure it all out.”

  When he grabbed my chin and forced me to look up into his eyes, I tried to shake him off, but he held me firm. “You don’t have to be brave all the time. You aren’t alone.”

  I relaxed, and he released me, smoothing a blondish highlight away from my face. He’d noticed the spiral I had fallen into, even when no one else had.