Drunk on a Plane

by Zane Mitchell

  “Drunk.”

  “What the fuck are you doing here? I thought you were hiding in your room.”

  Ozzy lifted a shoulder. “I decided to follow you. I was worried about Artie, and I thought if I was ever going to be a good security guard, I should probably start taking lessons from a real-life cop.”

  I rolled my eyes. This kid was something else. “Ozzy, now’s not the time for a ride-along. These guys aren’t playing around. They killed Jimmie, and they killed Cami. You need to get out of here before you get hurt too.”

  Artie sucked in his breath. “Oh my God. They killed Cami?”

  Nico groaned. “Oh, please. You were the one that tipped them off that there was a witness. Quit acting. We already know you’re the kingpin of this whole operation.”

  “I’m the—” Artie’s eyes widened and he sneezed again. When he recovered, he tried speaking again, “What the hell are you talking about? I’m not the kingpin of this operation! Whatever gave you that idea?”

  I smiled at him. I couldn’t believe he was still trying to sell the act. “Do you seriously want to go over everything?”

  “Yes!” boomed Artie. “I do! Those men barged into my office, forced me to get the keys out of my safe, then forced me at gunpoint to get into their vehicle. And then they brought me here, tied me to this chair, and then disappeared. Then you three show up. It’s like a three-ring circus around here, and I have no idea what’s going on!”

  Ozzy wagged his finger at Artie. “You know, I trusted you, Artie. All these years of my father working for you and then me working for you. I thought I could trust you. I can’t believe you’d go to such elaborate lengths to fool us all.”

  Artie shook his head. “I really wish I knew why you all think I have something to do with kidnapping myself. Why would I do this?”

  “So you can steal the cold storage keys and hack the funds for yourself,” hollered Nico. I could tell she was sick of the games. I didn’t blame her, I was too.

  “Why would I do that? I have my own money! I’m a self-made billionaire. I had a prosperous business, and I invested in cryptocurrency in its infancy. I don’t need to steal anyone else’s money. I have my own!”

  “The fact of the matter is, Cami Vergado is dead. Someone tipped off those two goons that there was a witness to their crime,” I said.

  “And you automatically assume that was me? I love all my employees! Why would I want Cami to be killed? It breaks my heart to hear that she’s been killed! It could have been anyone that tipped off these guys.”

  “Well, it’s pretty coincidental that you’re so big into cryptocurrency and that’s what’s involved in the crime right now, don’t you think?” asked Nico.

  Artie puffed air out his nose. “Not really. If I had to guess, I’d think that these guys thought they could get money out of me in some way. I mean, I don’t know how else to explain that coincidence.”

  I shook my head. “We saw your computer history, Artie. You’ve been on a bunch of cryptocurrency websites.”

  “Well, yeah! I’m an investor. I check my accounts several times a day. There’s nothing wrong with that!”

  I let out a dry laugh. “You know, you would have gotten away with it all if it hadn’t been for the mess in your office today.”

  “The mess in my office? What are you talking about?”

  “The Greasy’s Taco wrappers.”

  “What?”

  I nodded. “That was when all the pieces finally came together for me.”

  He shook his head, scoffing. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I found Greasy’s Taco wrappers in your two friends’ truck yesterday.”

  “I assume you’re talking about Bruce and Colin. They’re not my friends, but okay?”

  “And Greasy’s Taco just happens to have the best Wi-Fi on the island.”

  Artie curled his lip. “This is cop logic?”

  I ignored him and continued. “So when we found Greasy’s Taco wrappers in your office after you were abducted, I finally saw the connection. You all had the wrappers because you were working out of the building!”

  “I certainly didn’t have any Greasy’s Taco wrappers in my office,” said Artie in a huff.

  “We saw them, Artie!”

  He shrugged. “Believe what you want, but I don’t eat Greasy’s Tacos. For starters, I’m allergic to cumin. And greasy foods don’t sit right with my stomach. I’ve literally never eaten a Greasy’s Taco in my life.”

  My eyes widened. “But I saw the wrappers! We all did!”

  Artie shook his head and shrugged. “They weren’t mine, then.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “Well, then, who else would have been eating Greasy’s Tacos in your office?”

  “I don’t—” He stopped talking and looked at Ozzy then. “Wait. Ozzy, were you still working in my office after they took me?”

  All eyes turned to Ozzy then.

  The kid’s mouth hung open, and he slowly started walking backwards, towards the two doors behind Artie. “I—”

  My mind swirled. “Ozzy?” I said the word like I didn’t believe it, mostly because I didn’t. Ozzy was a joke. There was no way he’d be able to pull this off and somehow manage to frame Artie!

  Ozzy lifted his hands defensively as he slowly backed up. “Now, I don’t know what you’re talking about, Artie. Those were your wrappers. I saw you with them!”

  Artie’s eyes narrowed in on Ozzy. “You little weasel! So it was you! You were trying to frame me for this?” Artie struggled to get up out of the chair so he could go after Ozzy.

  Ozzy reached a hand around his back.

  Nico aimed the gun at him. “Freeze!”

  But it was too late. He pulled a gun out of the back of his pants. Then he leaned his head backwards and let out a whistle.

  I trained my gun on him. “Put the gun down, Ozzy.”

  “You put the gun down, Drunk,” he said. When the doors behind him didn’t open immediately, he hollered backwards, “Bruce! Colin!”

  We could hear thumping, and then the two Aussies appeared in the doorway. As soon as they saw the scene in the warehouse, they both drew their weapons.

  “Drop your weapons!” I yelled. My heart pulsed in my ears, and my head spun. I was stunned to learn that Ozzy was actually the one behind everything that had happened.

  “No, you drop your weapon, Drunk. It doesn’t have to end like this. I don’t have to make these two shoot you,” warned Ozzy. “I mean, I actually thought you were a pretty cool guy. Of course, you hurt my feelings a little by underestimating me. I mean, I get that I don’t look like your average evil genius, but isn’t that the beauty of all of this? What does an actual evil genius look like these days? And why can’t it look like me?”

  “Ozzy, your father is going to be so disappointed in you. Why would you do this to him?” asked Artie, still tied to the chair in the middle of the room.

  “You really have to ask, Artie? Really?”

  “Yeah, I really do, Ozzy.”

  Ozzy shook his head. “My father was your right-hand man for all those years. He helped you get rich. Richer than either of you could have ever imagined! And then you went and sold the business, and you didn’t even ask him if he wanted to buy it from you. And then you went and got richer on what he called fake money. He couldn’t believe it. None of us could when you actually cashed out the money and left to buy a resort on an island!”

  Artie’s eyes widened. “Ted wanted to buy my business?”

  “See! You didn’t even know!”

  Artie looked stunned. “No, I didn’t know! There’s no way he could have afforded it.”

  “He might have been able to get loans, or maybe you two could have worked out a deal. The point is, he missed out because you didn’t even give him a chance.”

  “So you decided to go into cryptocurrency theft and kidnap me to take out your frustration?”

  Ozzy shrugged. “I decided to go into cryptocurr
ency theft after I saw you bankrolled for life. This really isn’t about avenging the diss you bestowed upon Dad. I mean, yeah, it’s a perk. But I only had Colin and Bruce kidnap you because I needed someone to pin the thefts on. I figured you were the logical suspect. So, I figure, by this time tomorrow, we’ll have cashed out the millions, we’ll be safely back in the US, you’ll be dead, and everyone will have blamed all of this on you. And no one will be the wiser.”

  “Except you forgot about one thing,” I said.

  Ozzy swished his lips to the side. “Hmm. One thing. What’s that, Drunk?”

  “You forgot about me. And her. We’re not going to let you get away with this.” I cocked the gun.

  Ozzy laughed. “Well, yeah, there’s you two. Of course, now that we’ve had the big denouement, and the mystery’s been solved, I can’t allow there to be any witnesses to my crimes. So, unfortunately, the three of you will all have to go.” He smiled sadly before hanging his head and sighing. “You know I hate to do this, Drunk. Like I said, you’re a pretty cool guy, but dude! Money talks. I’m really sorry.” He held his hand out to the cowboy. “Colin, the keys?”

  “Sure thing, boss.” Colin dropped the baggie of items into Ozzy’s hand. Then he started towards the Jeep parked in the garage. Right before he got to it, he held up a hand and snapped his fingers. “Take ’em out, fellas!”

  And then, before either of us could get a shot off, the wall behind me imploded.

  50

  Instinctively, I leapt to the left, pulling Nico along with me. Wood and debris blew past our heads as a very familiar sky-blue Toyota Land Cruiser blew past us into the garage, knocking over the row of computers and getting within an inch of Artie, now lying on his side, but still attached to his chair. Gunfire peppered the passenger side of the vehicle.

  The driver’s-side door opened, and Al slid out.

  I was hunkered down behind the vehicle when I saw him. My eyes widened when I saw him. “Al!”

  “Drunk! Looks like I came at the right time. You appear to be in a bit of a predicament.”

  “No shit! We just found out that Artie doesn’t eat tacos. I guess he’s not the bad guy after all.”

  Al looked at me like I was crazy. “Well, no shit, Sherlock. I could have told you that. In fact, I did tell you that. Remember?”

  “No, I don’t remember.”

  “Do we really have to talk about this right now?” asked Nico, snatching Gary Wheelan’s pistol from my hand. She stood up and fired several rounds at Ozzy and his men over the hood of the Land Cruiser.

  “At lunch the other day. I told you that Artie was allergic. The theme was Mexican food.”

  I looked at Al. “Well, now, how in the hell was I supposed to know that?”

  “Well, if you’d included me in the conversation, I could have told you!” snapped Al. “Instead you left me high and dry at the resort, and I had to come save your ass!”

  “I’m sorry, Al. I didn’t want you to get hurt,” I hollered over the return gunfire.

  “Dammit, I’m supposed to be your partner, Drunk. You can’t treat me like I’m fragile. I’m not fine china. Okay?”

  “But what about your wife? She’ll kick my ass if you get hurt.”

  Al pointed at me. “Well, now the truth comes out. You’re the big baby here. Scared of Evie.”

  I groaned. “I’m not scared of your wife, Al.”

  “Can you two shut the hell up? Artie’s about to get his head blown off if we don’t get over there and help him!” shouted Nico.

  She pointed at Artie, who was lying on his side behind the computer tables that had flipped over when Al had blown through the side of the building. His white safari hat had fallen off, and his completely bald head was drenched with sweat as bullets flew over his body in both directions.

  “Shit,” I muttered as gunfire rained down on the side of the Land Cruiser. “I’ll try and get him.”

  But Ozzy and his men were already strutting towards Artie. Ozzy had his gun trained on the Land Cruiser. “On your feet, Artie,” I heard him say.

  “You’re going to have to untie me, then. I can’t get up like this.”

  Ozzy groaned but nodded at his men. Colin and Bruce leaned over and freed Artie’s hands from the ropes and then helped him to his feet while Ozzy covered them. “Get him in the Jeep.”

  Artie refused to move. “I’m not going with you, Ozzy.”

  Ozzy thunked his gun against the back of Artie’s head. “Get in the fucking Jeep, Artie.”

  Artie winced in pain. “Hell, Ozzy. At least give me my hat.”

  Ozzy bent over and picked up the hat and handed it to Artie. “Here. Now get in the Jeep.”

  “Your father is never going to forgive you for doing all of this.”

  “Oh, no, no. Now that’s where you’re wrong. My father is going to be proud of me. He’s going to love it when I come home with loads of cash. Of course he’ll have no idea how I got it.” Ozzy let out a maniacal laugh. “Oh, wait. I know. Maybe I’ll tell him you left it to me in your will.” Then he turned to face the Land Cruiser, where Nico, Al, and I were still hiding. “We’re leaving now. Wish us well. And if anyone dares to follow us, I’ll make sure Artie eats a bullet. Got it?” He whistled. “Bruce, Colin. Let’s go. I got a plane waiting for me.”

  Colin and Bruce shoved Artie into the Jeep, and before we knew it, the overhead door opened.

  “What now?” asked Nico. “We can’t let them get away!”

  I leaned back against the Land Cruiser. “They’re headed to the airport. Let ’em go. I’ve got a plan.”

  With the taillights disappearing out of the warehouse, Nico stood up and turned to me with her hands on her hips. “Let ’em go? What the ever-living fuck, Drunk? I can’t believe you just let them get away with my key!”

  “I can’t believe you let them get away with Artie!” added Al.

  “Listen, it’s obvious they’re headed to the airport. Both of you need to calm down. I have a plan. Get in the vehicle. We’ll sort this out on the way. Just don’t follow them too closely. I don’t want them to know we’re following them.”

  We loaded into the Land Cruiser, with Al in the driver’s seat, me riding shotgun, and Nico in the back. “I can’t believe Gary let you use his Land Cruiser. I thought this thing was like his baby.”

  “It is,” said Al. “I didn’t exactly tell him I was taking it. I know where he keeps his keys.”

  I stared at Al incredulously. “What?!”

  Al navigated the Land Cruiser around the debris in the garage and pulled out the back garage door. “He said I could use it anytime I wanted. I thought this was an emergency. It’s not like we can’t fix it.”

  “Al, the passenger side is covered in bullet holes. He doesn’t need a patch job, he needs an entirely new vehicle now!”

  Al shrugged. “Trust me, if we save Artie’s life, I think he’ll be okay with buying Gary a new vehicle.”

  Nico leaned forward, propping her elbows up on either headrest. “So what’s your plan, Drunk?”

  “Well, first, we need to stall any plans they have of leaving the island.” My phone hung onto the signal from Greasy’s Wi-Fi, and I managed to find the Paradise International Airport’s phone number before we got too far. Then I asked for the only name I knew there.

  “Yes, may I please speak to Lola?”

  “Her last name, sir?”

  “Hmm,” I said. “I guess I didn’t catch her last name. She helped deboard a plane I rode in on earlier in the week. She maybe works for the Delta counter. Brown curly hair. Pencil skirt.”

  “Oh, yes, sir. Just a moment.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me, Drunk!” snapped Nico.

  “Shh,” I hissed as I heard a voice on the other end of the phone again.

  “This is Lola.” Her voice was soft and feminine, just as a woman named Lola should sound. I was definitely going to have to give her a call when this was all over with.

  “Hi, Lola, my name
is Danny Drunk. I was on a flight you deboarded from Atlanta earlier this week.”

  “Officer Drunk, yes, you gave me your card. I remember you.”

  “You do?” I suddenly wished this was a personal call.

  I could almost hear her smiling through the phone lines. “I do. I’m sorry I haven’t called…”

  “Oh, no, no, it’s no problem. I still have a few days on the island.”

  She giggled.

  “Listen, I was wondering if you could help me out with something?”

  “Help you out? I can do my best!”

  I proceeded to give Lola a brief rundown of how a friend of mine had stolen something that belonged to me. I told her his name, and I told her that he’d be heading back to the States on their next flight out. She informed me that there was a Delta flight to the United States leaving within the hour, but she promised she’d delay the departure as long as possible and do her best to make sure that no one boarded the plane until we got there.

  “I can’t believe you, Drunk,” snapped Nico when I hung up the phone. “You just use women, don’t you?”

  “Use women?” I shouted, turning around. “I’ve never used a woman in my life! Women use me!”

  “Puh!” spat Nico. “You’re incorrigible!”

  “Well, at least I got the plane stalled. What have you accomplished?”

  Nico groaned and threw herself backwards against the seat.

  I turned back around again to face the windshield. “Now, I’ve got one more call to make.”

  51

  We tore into a parking space in front of the airport. Ozzy’s getaway vehicle was parked outside too, but we found it empty. Neither Artie nor the cold storage keys were inside. A Delta plane sat on the tarmac several hundred yards away behind a tall chain-link fence. A luggage cart filled with luggage sat underneath it, but there were no men loading it. I could only hope that was Lola’s doing.

  A siren wailed in the distance.

  Nico looked back at me. “I can’t believe you fucking called the cops again.”

  I shook my head. “Only one cop. I promised her she’d get the collar, remember?”